


The sound of you calling me

by GK7



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Happy Ending, Exes, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Getting Back Together, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mild Language, Minor Character Death, Post-Break Up, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:27:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 146,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22258681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GK7/pseuds/GK7
Summary: Jinyoung agrees to go on a trip with his five best friends and his ex-fiancé's new boyfriend a year after their breakup. Both Jaebeom and Jinyoung insist they have moved on, but Jinyoung isn't so sure of himself anymore.
Relationships: Choi Youngjae/Im Jaebum | JB, Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 353
Kudos: 515





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The mental health tags are there for a purpose. Please do not use this as a reference for anything, every person and every brain is different. I do have personal experience with issues mentioned but I'm absolutely not an expert.  
> Having said that, please do remember, it's not the end of the road, and things will get better even if it doesn't seem like it at the moment.  
> Never be afraid to ask for help.  
> This is my first long fic but it's not gonna be too long because I'm still new to this. I promise there's a happy ending but there's also gonna be a lot of angst before that so I hope you all still like it.  
> PS: I do my own editing and English is my third language so please forgive my grammar and sentence formation. I promise to learn and improve in time. Thanks in advance!!

_JY: Don't be late in the morning guys, we leave at 5 am sharp!_

_JB: How about you guys crash at my place? We can dump our luggage in the cars at night and we won't have to worry about waiting for anyone._

_BB: Sounds good to me Hyung!_

_JS: Why didn't I think of it?_

_MK: Cuz it's not your house Jackson._

_YG: Okay Hyung, if you're so sure you wanna burn your house down before leaving then who am I to stop you?_

_JY: Are you guys sure?_

_YJ: Ofcourse Hyung, the place is big enough! We have two spare rooms and the living room too!_

Jinyoung bit his lip as he looked down at Youngjae's message. After a moment of hesitation, he decided to text Youngjae privately.

JY _: Youngjae, are you really okay with me staying over, wouldn't it be a bit awkward?_

_YJ: Why would it be awkward?_

Jinyoung's heart twisted painfully for a moment.

_JY: I know but-you sure you won't mind? You've only started dating a couple of months ago, I don't wanna get in the middle of that.._

_YJ: Ofcourse I'm sure Hyung! I know we just got to know each other but I consider you a friend too, can you trust me on that?_

_JY: Ofcourse Jaeyah, that's not even a question!_

_YJ: Cool then. You're coming. I won't take no for an answer. At this point, it would be more awkward if you reject our offer. You've moved on, Jaebeom Hyung's definitely moved on...get what I mean?_

Jinyoung was quite relieved that Youngjae and Jaebeom wanted him around as much as their other friends.

So why did the pang in his heart turn into pain on reading the part where Jaebeom had "definitely" moved on?

_JY: Thanks Youngjae, you're the best. <3_

_YJ: I know ;)_

_JY: Wait-have you talked to Jaebeom about it?_

_YJ: Yeah, we're on the same page Hyung, don't worry._

_JY: Okay, I'll be there by 8._

_YJ: Make sure you do! K, bye Hyung, good night!_

_JY: See you soon!_

_YJ: Soon!_

Jinyoung put his phone down with mixed feelings. On the one hand, he was really excited for their trip since all five of his school friends were going to be together in one place after over a year. It was a sort of re-union after Jinyoung and Jaebeom broke up a year ago and the rest of them got busy with work trying to give them space.

But Jinyoung couldn't help feeling a bit apprehensive about meeting Youngjae for the first time, he was the newest addition to their group since he'd begun dating Jaebeom, bumping up their count to seven.

"Lucky number seven" Jaebeom had said when he'd introduced him to their group chat.

Jinyoung couldn't sleep that night, tossing and turning until he'd called Jackson at 3am in the morning and bawled his eyes out.

Even though they'd been back on talking terms for a couple of months now (at the behest of Jackson and Yugyeom) and they'd become quite comfortable around each other through text, Jinyoung was still a bit concerned about actually coming face to face with Jaebeom in Youngjae's presence for the first time. He'd never even met Youngjae one on one. They'd exchanged numerous pictures, memes and videos through private chat but that was it.

What if Youngjae didn't like him in real life?

The next moment, Jinyoung laughed at himself, he was more worried about his ex-fiance's new boyfriend liking him than meeting said ex-fiance for the first time in over a year.

On top of that, they had to spend a week in a mountain cabin, rented courtesy of Bambam who was arguably the most successful of them all, having put his eye for fashion to good use and becoming a fairly popular celebrity stylist.

The last time they'd been to Bambam's cabin was when Jaebeom had proposed to Jinyoung. Their friends still didn't know of that fact as Jaebeom had insisted on keeping that moment extremely private, so they could spend the rest of the trip together uninterrupted by their friends' gushing and teasing that was sure to follow when they found out. Once they returned to the city, he'd invited them all to dinner at a fancy resturant and then gone down on one knee infront of everyone.

Even though Jinyoung had been ecstatic then too, his favorite proposal had been the first one, when they'd been cuddling alone under a single blanket by the dying embers of a fire built outside the cabin and overlooking the valley below.

Jaebeom had taken out his hair tie and slipped it on Jinyoung's ring finger while Jinyoung had been distracted by the breeze flowing through his long curls, that fell down to his nape but stopped just a few inches above his shoulders.

"Jinyoungie.."

"Hmm?"

Jinyoung had been busy, carding his right hand through Jaebeom's hair feeling the softness, then tracing his fingers over Jaebeom's twin moles above his eye before stopping at the matching twin piercings below his other eye. 

"Be mine."

"Okay."

His finger continued to trace Jaebeom's fine nose until it reached his nose ring.

"No, I meant, marry me?"

Jinyoung smiled but his fingers didn't stop until they reached Jaebeom's lips.

"You sure?" he asked. 

"No"

"If you'd said yes, I would have said no immediately. Nice save."

Jaebeom knew Jinyoung was joking to hide his nervousness. As always, he saw right through him.

"So you're saying yes?"

"Ofcourse dumbass."

"Good."

"Good."

And they stayed like that all night, Jaebeom getting up to fix the fire again before going back to his now fiancé .

Neither of them slept, sometimes talking, sometimes kissing and the rest of the time just staring into the fire or in each other's eyes, Jaebeom kissing Jinyoung's forehead every few now and then as if he'd had an epiphany of sorts.

Jinyoung didn't want that night to end. But at the same time, he couldn't wait for the morning. A beautiful sunrise that would color their faces bright as he walked hand in hand with Jaebeom into their new life.

_"The light of the fluttering day_   
_The promise of eternity_   
_They're still in me.."_

Jinyoung wondered why he was still anxious about Youngjae and Jaebeom being okay with his presence. They talked to him as much as their other friends, included him in all conversations and even teased him, everything normal friends do.

Perhaps, Jinyoung realized, he was more worried about himself, seeing Jaebeom again with someone else was bound to make some sort of an impact. It didn't matter if he was personally friends with Youngjae now, who was a kind and intelligent person, the novelty of it was sure to hit him like a freight train the first time, because no matter how much he tried to act like it was fine, it wasn't.

He'd been dating Jaebeom for two years and they'd been best friends for eight, since they were all of fourteen years old. They were so different from each other with regards to their backgrounds that it had been nothing short of a miracle that they'd found any common ground beyond their shared love for books, photography and dance.

Even there they were in contrast - Jaebeom tended to go for romantic novels, Jinyoung wanted to study autobiographies of successful people, Jaebeom found enough beauty in the most mundane things like people, shadows, cats and graffiti to want to photograph them while Jinyoung tended to go for the more scenic routes of mountains, skylines and the river side, Jaebeom was into bboying while Jinyoung was into pop & lock.

But where they differed the most was the contrasting worlds they grew up in - Jaebeom was the only heir to rich parents who headed a successful conglomerate, he couldn't care less about the money and luxury that kept his parents away from actually watching him grow up, having been brought up by his faithful governess, he didn't think much before showering his friends with lavish gifts, lending money and forgetting to take it back and just being too generous to make any real friends despite being the most popular guy in school.

Jinyoung was the opposite, having grown up with two sisters in a loving family where his parents worked hard to earn money, he and his older sisters had started working part time at a tender age. Money was very sacred to them and they respected it. Working hard at such a young age had made Jinyoung a scrupulous spender who never entertained any hobbies that required him to borrow money even from his parents or sisters. If he really wanted something he'd work hard for it with single minded focus. If he thought it was beyond his capacity, he'd never bother to even look at it again.

His family loved each other but just like Jaebeom, Jinyoung didn't get to see them often. However, his father still insisted that the whole family sit down for dinner together every night and tell him about their day. Jaebeom had once told Jinyoung that it was what had attracted him to Jinyoung in the first place. The bond his family shared despite being forced to spend so much time apart.

"We all covet things we don't have Jinyoungie..." Jaebeom had said in one of his rare pensive moods.

Jinyoung in turn had been mesmerized by Jaebeom's life style and he had been honest to Jaebeom about it.

"What would you do if we switched places?" Jaebeom had asked him then.

"First I'd buy a bigger house for my parents, then I'd buy a really expensive foot massager for my mom so she can relax after work, I'd build my dad a library so he can read books while my mom lounges next to him on a comfortable couch with really soft cushions, I'd buy my oldest sister all the pretty dresses she lays her eyes on and for my second sister, I'd buy the most expensive guitar in the world because she really loves music."

"What about you, what will you buy for yourself?"

"There's so many things Jabeommie, I can't name only one. What about you? If you're as rich as your parents one day, what would you do?"

"I'd marry you and buy your family all those things you mentioned."

"Shut up." Jinyoung had said immediately, frowning and blushing at the same time.

They'd known each other for over a year now, they were fifteen and he'd already suspected that Jaebeom had started seeing him as more than just a friend.

"Why? I trust you, you're my best friend. What could be better than marrying your best friend."

"Thats not how it works Hyung."

"Why not?"

"What will happen when you meet the love of your life?"

"I can't fall in love, not when you're a perfect partner for me."

"True love doesn't work like that!"

"Yah Park Jinyoung! I did not lend you my novels so you'd start throwing all that cheesy philosophy back at me."

"'You love someone not because they're your perfect match. Love is irrational. You learn to adjust and accommodate your lover such that you finally get on the same page and start planning a life together.' - All My Love, Chapter 2, 3rd paragraph." Jinyoung recited with a flourish.

"Did you memorize it? My God Nyoung!" Jaebeom teased with a smirk. 

  
"I have an eidetic memory, you know that very well. You were the one who gave me that trash anyway, so it's a bit rich coming from you."

"Isn't that kind of like us though?" Jaebeom continued, ignoring him. "We used to be so rude to each other, yet we are best friends now. There's a lot you don't like about me and I still haven't gotten over your last tantrum that lasted for over a week, yet we made up and here we are. I'm telling you. If we don't find anyone to marry by the time we're twenty five or something, I'm marrying you. So you better be ready."

"No, you're not!" shouted Jinyoung, shoving Jaebeom so hard he fell off his bed.

For a split second, there was silence as they both looked at each other with wide eyes. Then Jaebeom's eyes narrowed dangerously and Jinyoung bolted out of Jaebeom's bedroom with Jabeom hot on his heels.

"Come back here you little..."

Jabeom was stronger but Jinyoung was faster. He was already out of the front door as Jaebeom's governess, Mrs. Kim, shouted from behind. 

"Boys, you're fifteen, can you act your age atleast for a while? Jaebeommah stop chasing him...NOT ON MY FRESHLY MOWED LAWN!!"

Jaebeom had finally caught up to Jinyoung right as he was about to climb the fence. He pulled Jinyoung's legs just in time before they both fell over rolling around in Mrs. Kim's precious rose bushes, kicking and tickling and laughing at each other in turns.

Five minutes was all it took for Mrs. Kim to come running with a broom in hand to wack them apart. She shook her head with a begrudgingly fond smile on her face as she marched the two back inside the house howling with laughter and scratches all over their uncovered arms.

Jinyoung ran his hands over his arms as if he could still feel those scratches 10 years later. They had healed and disappeared long ago. Jaebeom's too. How Jinyoung wished the wounds they'd inflicted on each other's hearts would heal and disappear as easily.

"Jinyoung do you really want me? Like actually, really want me?" Jaebeom had asked him two years ago, when they'd finally moved in together.

Jinyoung was startled at first, but he couldn't completely say he didn't know where it was coming from. Jaebeom was ofcourse talking about physical want and Jinyoung had been trying to avoid that question so much that he didn't know how to answer when it was thrown at him out of the blue.

He'd been typing away at his laptop finishing some work for office before they got to bed. They were both already in their pyjamas but Jaebeom still lay awake next to him sharing his blanket, his head leaning on Jinyoung's arm.

He'd been watching Jinyoung work for the past half hour without uttering a word but now, just as Jinyoung was saving and preparing to shut his laptop down, he threw the question at him out of nowhere.

Jinyoung knew that every answer that seemed justified to his own heart might not feel the same to Jaebeom, so he decided to play dumb.

"Ofcourse babe, I wouldn't be marrying you if I didn't now, would I?"

"First of all, I was the one who proposed, second of all, I was the one who confessed to you first, third of all, I was the one who initiated our first kiss, heck I was the one who initiated our first hookup and fourth of all - this is exactly my point."

"I reciprocated with equal enthusiasm for what it's worth." said Jinyoung with an impish grin.

Jaebeom didn't laugh like Jinyoung expected him to. He gave a sad smile instead, and Jinyoung felt a pang in his heart. He wasn't going to be able to joke his way out of this one.

"It's okay babe, I know you don't do well with confrontation and this isn't one. I was just wondering..." Jaebeom re-arranged his face into a more cheerful smile but it only made Jinyoung feel more guilty.

"Babe, you know I love you right? I didn't say it first but I'll keep saying it even if you don't want to say it back anymore." said Jinyoung, trying to bring all the sincerity that he felt into his words so Jaebeom would know how much he meant to him.

"Ofcourse I know that Jinyoungie." said Jaebeom giving him a soft and lingering kiss before switching off his bedside lamp.

So why, Jinyoung wondered as he stroked Jaebeom's sleeping head on his chest, did he still feel guilty?

Jinyoung's uncertainty about initiating anything be it emotional or physical could be rooted in how he was brought up. While Jaebeom knew what he wanted, how to get what he wanted and was pretty vocal about it, Jinyoung had always been taught to not reach out for things that were beyond his reach.

His parents and sisters loved him because he was the baby of the family but they were all similar. Their family values amounted to being content with what they got, to work harder then everyone, to accept everything that was given to them in return but to never try and reach for things that were above their status.

As the youngest member of the family, it was ingrained within Jinyoung so deep that he had begun to project it outwards, first onto his friendship and then his relationship with Jaebeom. They'd fought like cats and dogs when they were teenagers and most of it was because of Jinyoung's abject refusal to partake in all the bounty that being Jaebeom's best friend brought.

Jaebeom would tease him, goad him, give him the silent treatment for weeks then call to apologize, all to make him accept his gifts. But Jinyoung was headstrong to the point of being stubborn. He had always had a pretty narrow vision in life. What was wrong was always wrong, no matter what the circumstances, no matter how close he was to the person involved.

Jaebeom couldn't understand any of it. The more Jinyoung refused his gifts, refused to acknowledge his hurt or feigned indifference to Jaebeom's silent treatments, the more Jaebeom clung to him.

Once they turned eighteen and matured for a bit, Jaebeom backed off. He was still affectionate, still clingy at times but he'd learnt the importance of subtlety. Public displays of affection and grand gestures didn't interest him anymore (or perhaps, he'd learned to hide himself well) and Jinyoung couldn't be happier. So their friendship grew and blossomed into a deeper understanding until they were both in love.

Jinyoung was well aware that most of the adapting had been done by Jaebeom until now, it was just a matter of time once they moved in together that Jaebeom would expect him to make some changes too and Jinyoung wasn't ready.

He knew he was being selfish and he loved Jaebeom, but some things were so ingrained within him that he couldn't change them no matter how many resolutions he made. Jinyoung was the worse at communication while Jaebeom was extremely vocal to the point that he'd start spewing all sorts of nonsense in anger, things that he didn't even mean.

But Jinyoung knew how to handle him, he'd let Jaebeom rant until he calmed down, then Jinyoung would apologize, ply him with flowers or a new novel or just a back hug and Jaebeom would forgive him.

As Jinyoung lay awake, Jaebeom having shifted to his own side of the bed after a while, he was sure that even though all the discontent and frustration had been forgiven, they hadn't been forgotten. It was all building up and Jinyoung knew he'd have to come clean to Jaebeom soon. He promised himself he'd do that once he was done with securing the deal with this new client he'd been working on for the past two months.

It was a huge investment, one that would benefit both him and the company in the long run. Jinyoung was sure of a significant pay rise once he secured the deal and then he'd take Jaebeom for a long vacation, somewhere exotic where it would be just the two of them and Jinyoung would tell him all about his insecurities, make him understand why he was the way he was, he would promise to change and seek proper help. 

The night of their break up, Jinyoung had entered their apartment with guilt written all over his face. It was made worse when he saw all the luggage in the living room and Jaebeom sitting on the sofa with his arms crossed.

"Babe I'm sorry..." Jinyoung was scared, he was sweating and his hands shook.

He shoved them in his pockets so Jaebeom wouldn't see. Jaebeom had done this thrice before, packed his bags and threatened to walk out when Jinyoung had forgotten a dinner date with both their parents, when he'd called to excuse himself from attending Jaebeom's album launch party and when he'd missed Bambam's first ever fashion show.

But Jinyoung knew he'd have a hard time convincing Jaebeom to stay this time. This time was one time too many. This time, Jinyoung had not only stood up Jaebeom for a dinner they'd been looking forward to for days but also cancelled over just a text message so he could attend an impromptu meeting with the investor.

But Jinyoung was also sure that Jaebeom would eventually forgive him. He always did. Jaebeom knew how hard Jinyoung had worked to reach where he was today, he would understand.

"I just stayed back so you wouldn't accuse me of not hearing you out once I leave. Also Nora's with Jackson at the moment. I'll pick her up once I get my own apartment, so she won't starve to death while you're busy with work."

"Babe, I'm sorry." Jinyoung's eyes were pricking but he willed himself to stay composed, he didn't want to emotionally manipulate Jaebeom, he wanted to explain and ask for forgiveness and be forgiven in return.

Jaebeom didn't say anything, didn't even look at him, waiting for him to speak.

"Babe you know the investor I'd been talking about? Well he had an early flight to catch and so he called me over for drinks. We got the deal, finally. We're being promoted, to senior management! I answer directly to the COO now. We get a bigger apartment, a bigger paycheck, a bigger car everything. We can even start a family like you wanted, babe. Nora can run around all she wants without getting in the way. It's all we ever wanted!"

Jaebeom let out a breath and smiled up at him. Jinyoung felt relieved, he knew Jaebeom would forgive him, he would understand, he always did. Jaebeom walked over to Jinyoung and pulled him into a hug.

" Congratulations babe. You got everything you wanted." he said, his voice shaking dangerously.

And then, without looking at him, he walked out of the apartment and Jinyoung's life, dragging his luggage behind him.

Jinyoung fell to his knees. He knew he should stop him, knew he should call him back, every cell in his body was screaming for Jaebeom to stop.

But Jaebeom wanted to leave and Jinyoung knew he was beyond his reach.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung is finally reunited with his friends and comes face to face with Jaebeom and Youngjae. They have to leave for the trip early morning but he has to survive the night first...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for those who left kudos and comments! You have no idea how much it motivates me. Every one of you are precious to me.  
>   
> Thank you guys once again! I love you all!

* * *

Jinyoung was late. He'd told Youngjae he'd be at their apartment by 8, but now it was 9 and he was still circling around their street trying to muster up the courage to walk into the building. The others were already in there.

_BB: Can we all be on time atleast once in our lives?_

_JY: Thank you for your input Bambam Hyung, I'm on my way._

_YG: Hyung, don't mind Bambam, he's talking to Jaebeom Hyung._

_JB: What did I do? This is literally my apartment. I've been here all evening!_

_MK: u've been in d toilet 4 d past 1/2 hr n now ur tlkin 2 us thru d grp chat instd of cmin out in d livin room where vr all gathered waitin 2 strt eatn d pizza dats gttin cold btw. I'm sure v all agree dat Bam's got a point._

_JS: Wow Hyung, you leave us on seen for days and now suddenly you're out here giving a whole speech! This trip is starting out weird._

_MK: Why don't you go help Youngjae and Yugyeom in the kitchen then?_

_JS: They kicked me out._

_MK: So ver r u rn? I've bn walking around d aptm for d past 15 mins, I don see u anyver._

_JS: I had to leave to collect something._

_YJ: Hyung if you're out there hunting for cheese sticks then don't bother, Bambam didn't order them._

_BB: :P_

_JS: I always knew Bambam was my enemy #1 but I'm here to collect something a little less savory and more sour._

_YG: Bam, can you get off the phone and set out the fries and drinks? I've been calling your name for the past 5 minutes!_

_BB: 1 minute! What is it Jack? What's sour and not savory?_

"Found you."

Jinyoung whipped his head around. He'd been so engrossed in scrolling through their latest messages, trying to calm his nerves that he hadn't even noticed Jackson standing right behind him with his phone screen lighting up an almost eerie grin.

"Shit."

"Wow, is that what your lovers call you in bed? How romantic!" said Jackson feigning a swoon and shoving his phone back into his pocket.

"Shut up" said Jinyoung rolling his eyes and pulling Jackson into a tight hug. He could feel Jackson's mood shift as he patted Jinyoung's head soothingly.

"You're gonna be fine, Jinyoungie."

"You promise?" he couldn't help asking, his voice muffled by Jackson's shoulder.

"On your own? Probably. But I'm still gonna be there to make sure."

"I love you Seunnah.."

"I know. Let's get your bag loaded in the car and go up."

"Five more minutes."

"You've been here since 8."

"How do you know?"

"I had a hunch. You haven't been late for our group chat appointments for months now so I didn't expect you'd be late for an actual meet up." said Jackson with a wink.

"Maybe I've changed."

"You have changed, for the better, and that's how I know."

"I don't deserve you. You should have stayed with being Jaebeom Hyung's friend."

"I know, maybe I should start now. I still don't know why kids in school were crazy about you. Get away from me, you smell of mediocrity and insolence." said Jackson, giving Jinyoung a light push.

"Shut up Jackson" said Jinyoung, hitting his arm as he pulled him in again.

"Jinyoung?"

Jinyoung froze at the sound of his name. The voice was coming from Jackson's direction but it was different, more familiar to his heart than any other voice. His chest tightened. He pulled away from Jackson finally and there was Jaebeom, in all his glory, standing right behind him. He was wearing a clearly expensive long, black coat over a simple white shirt and black slacks with plain black loafers. His face looked the same as it did a year ago, handsome and intimidating, except for his hair and piercings.

Jinyoung felt a sense of loss as he noticed the shorter hair and the undercut that made him look sharper and younger but nothing like the Jaebeom he had loved - no long, wavy hair swept back into a half ponytail, no piercings, no leather, just the same beautiful twin moles above his eye that made Jinyoung's heart stutter. Neat and put together.

"Hey." said Jaebeom uncertainly, raising a hand to give an awkward little wave, looking at Jinyoung like he was a bomb waiting to blow up any second. There was just a moment of silence as they finally made eye contact before Jinyoung felt his mouth widen into a full blown grin. He moved towards Jaebeom and hugged him. The hug was light and quick but it seemed enough to break the tension as Jaebeom looked at him with a grin matching his own.

"How-?"

"Why-?"

They both began at the same time before dissolving into chuckles.

"You first!" said Jinyoung, stepping back, his eyes crinkling with warmth.

"Why didn't you come up?" asked Jaebeom, sobering up a bit.

"I was just about to, before Jackson decided to strangle me."

"Right." said Jaebeom, pinning him with one of his lazer beam gazes that always made Jinyoung feel transparent. "So you just got here."

He said it like a statement but it still felt like a question to Jinyoung, so he decided to go with the truth, or atleast half of it.

"Yeah, actually I got here a while ago, but I wanted to have a smoke and I didn't know if Youngjae wouldn't mind."

"Since when do you smoke?"

"Dunno...I just do it ocasionally, when the weather's cold..."

The warm atmosphere that Jinyoung had tried to create when they'd first locked eyes was slowly ebbing away and he was sure Jaebeom could feel the tension. It was quickly coming back to him, the memories of the past year - the months spent apart without any kind of contact, Jaebeom sending over Jackson and Yugyeom to collect his stuff, changing his number, refusing to let their friends tell Jinyoung where he was, allowing him to meet Nora in Jackson's apartment but refusing to meet Jinyoung himself, Jinyoung curling up to sleep every night beside their giant, half-empty bookshelf that didn't hold Jaebeom's books anymore...

_"The same dream_

_The same memories_

_All our little habits that are similar_

_You are the meaning of everything..."_

"Are we gonna stay here all night? I'm freezing you jerks." said Jackson.

"Yeah, give me your bag, a cigarette can only keep you warm for so long." said Jaebeom.

But he was teasing and Jinyoung was grateful. With slightly less pink ears he followed them to Jaebeom's car where they dumped Jinyoung's bag into the partially filled trunk, then to the elevator and up 20 levels to Jaebeom and Youngjae's penthouse.

"So you've decided to work for your dad after all hunh?" Jinyoung asked, trying to continue the comfortable atmosphere for as long as they were stuck in the elevator atleast.

Jaebeom had dropped that information on them only a couple of weeks ago before they all got busy discussing Bambam's proposal for a re-union trip.

"Yeah, he's getting old, wants to see me take over before he dies, start a family, blah blah blah..."

Jinyoung chuckled despite the slight twinge in his heart. Jaebeom's dad threw the same tantrum every year after getting drunk at Jaebeom's birthday party. Especially after Jaebeom and Jinyoung had begun dating. This time, Jaebeom seemed to have given in. Another reminder of how much they'd both changed after the breakup.

"How are you holding up?" Jinyoung asked, knowing Jaebeom's hatred for the corporate world.

He didn't dare ask him about his music career that Jaebeom seemed to have given up, despite having received critical acclaim with the first album itself.

"Barely. You know me. I never payed attention to all that shit growing up, now I'm starting from the top knowing absolutely nothing. It's hard but I have help."

"Ofcourse he's got help." Jackson jumped in. "Youngjae's been in the corporate world since the beginning. You probably get him to do all your homework."

"I can see him doing that actually." Jinyoung laughed.

"Excuse me. I'm as mature and responsible as you both."

"Uhunh, sure, Jinyoung used to do your homework all the time!"

"Not in college."

"Oh please, you wouldn't even finish college if I didn't do your assignments." said Jinyoung rolling his eyes.

"As if you'd do it for free. I had to bribe you all the time you gold digger."

"Me? A gold digger? Excuse me Jaebeomssi! You never plied me with money, it was always-" Jinyoung clamped his mouth shut.

Jaebeom was quiet and Jinyoung felt his own face burning as he looked everywhere but at the two people standing beside him, because he remembered now, vividly, the bribes Jaebeom used to give him for doing his assignments in college.

They'd just begun dating two years before graduation and Jaebeom's eventual proposal, so the bribes involved a lot of messy bedsheets, clothes strewn on their dorm floor, loud moans courtesy of Jinyoung and his lack of self-control that ended with Jaebeom grinning in Jinyoung's red face after they'd finished, trying to pry his hands away from hiding it.

Jinyoung could kick himself for forgetting that crucial information, too happy to have Jaebeom talking to him like old times, forgetting that their old times involved a lot more intimacy than a normal friendship. Jaebeom, who seemed to have been more alert, took the smarter route and shut up before he'd said too much.

Too bad, Jinyoung couldn't say the same for himself. He couldn't help cursing his own sensitivity to anything related to money. It was a joke, Jinyoung berated himself, a moment too late. Jaebeom was just joking. He clearly hadn't even thought about taking the direction Jinyoung had inadvertently jumped into. Jinyoung cursed at himself for being so defensive. Had he really changed like Jackson believed or was he still that insecure, socially challenged, insensitive little bastard that had pushed Jaebeom away? He felt like his life was the biggest contradiction at the moment - when he needed to keep his heart in check the most, his brain decided to embarrass him as much as it could in cahoots with his mouth.

Jaebeom must be so disappointed with him right now, Jinyoung couldn't help thinking as he risked a sideways glance at him. Jaebeom was looking serenely to the front, smiling like he'd heard nothing, like he remembered nothing. Ofcourse, he must have remembered something, Jinyoung argued with himself, why else would he not ask Jinyoung to continue with what he'd been about to say?

What if, Jinyoung realized with horror, what if Jaebeom thought Jinyoung wasn't over him yet and that he was just going to ruin the trip for everyone? He could almost hear Jackson's brain working, trying to decipher the sudden shift in atmosphere.

"How's Nora?" Jinyoung managed to calm himself down enough to ask. Jaebeom turned back to him eagerly, another evidence that Jinyoung had indeed messed up.

"She's fine. Youngjae adores her but he's mildly allergic so I don't let him play with her for too long. He does insist on feeding her himself though."

"That's so cool! Youngjae must be a cat person."

"Nah, he's more of a dog person. I mean he _is_ Coco's mom."

"Oh yeah. Coco's adorable. Youngjae must love Nora because she's your girl."

"Something like that." Jaebeom chuckled and just like that, the tension between them disappeared again. Jinyoung's slip up all but forgotten. All three of them knew that Jinyoung was well aware of Youngjae and his love for their pets but he was still grateful to Jaebeom for playing along.

Jackson just stayed quiet, watching them both impassively. Jinyoung couldn't remember the last time he'd been quiet for this long. He was sure Jackson suspected that some unspoken and uncomfortable moment had passed between them, but he was smart even as he was sensitive. He knew when to pry and he knew when to back off.

Finally, they reached Jaebeom's penthouse, the door was already thrown wide open. Jinyoung could hear loud conversation and laughter echoing through the foyer as they hung up their jackets, took off their shoes and put on comfortable slippers.

Jinyoung was wearing his favorite pearl colored turtleneck and faded blue jeans. He felt good about himself, confident after a long time. He'd lost too much weight right after the breakup and he'd always been lanky even before that. No wonder Jaebeom, Mark and Jackson insisted on protecting him throughout school and college like he was this fragile thing made of porcelain. He hadn't minded as they treated the two maknaes the same way, until Yugyeom grew tall enough to out-Hyung them all with his leather jacket and brass knuckles phase, menacing enough to scare any possible bullies (including any possible suitors, much to Bambam's consternation) away from Bambam and Jinyoung. Besides, Jinyoung didn't want any distractions from his studies anyway, his five best friends were enough.

Two months after the breakup, Jackson had showed up at his apartment one morning before the crack of dawn, dragged him off his bed, shoved his infamous chicken breast protein shake down his throat and dragged him to the gym. Since then, Jinyoung had graduated from being a novice at weight training to a sort of expert himself, gaining lean muscle in all the right places and not looking so fragile anymore.

Jackson was relentless and he had managed to wake up whatever competitive spirit that had been laying dormant within Jinyoung throughout his life. He now found himself increasingly motivated even at work. He'd been in a kind of slump for most of the year. His promotion involved less work despite the heavy responsibilities, a higher paycheck, a bigger apartment, a swankier car and all the perks of a high class life but there was no motivation- he still slept on the floor near their book shelf, still ate Jaebeom's favorite ramyeon for dinner and still drank Jaebeom's favorite strawberry shake for breakfast every morning before work.

But things were different now. Better, according to Jackson. If he'd been satisfied with getting whatever he got for his hard work before, he was now very assertive about what he wanted. He took risks, trusted his instincts and became more vocal with his opinions, resulting in him becoming an indispensable asset to the company. It took his mind off things. His life revolved around gym and work, work and gym instead of just work, work and work. He'd considered adopting a dog but it reminded him too much of how he'd leave Jaebeom to take care of Nora while she starved for his attention whenever he was working. Nora had been Jinyoung's cat, but he'd let Jaebeom take her away without a word because some pathetic part of him still found happiness in the fact that Jaebeom had at least taken with him something that belonged to Jinyoung.

Speaking of Nora...

Before Jinyoung could follow Jaebeom and Jackson into the living room, he felt a ball of fur jump from the shoe shelf directly onto his chest, sink it's claws into the front of his sweater and begin tearing at it trying to get to his face. Jinyoung caught it just in time to see Nora mewling pathetically at him trying to rub her face into his neck.

"Oh God, Nora, stop!!" Youngjae came running in to the foyer, a pizza slice hanging from his mouth as he tried to grab Nora.

Jaebeom and Jackson just laughed as Jinyoung gently stopped Youngjae and pulled Nora upto his face, letting her lick and get reacquainted with it. Jinyoung could feel tears pickling his eyes again because after all this time, Nora still remembered him. He knew he was being dramatic, she was just a cat after all, but somehow, it felt like she was telling him that she'd forgiven him. Before he could positively start bawling, he gave Youngjae a one armed hug and his warmest smile. Somehow, as Youngjae beamed back at him, he felt like he'd known Youngjae for years instead of weeks.

"It's so good to finally meet you Hyung!" said Youngjae still holding onto Jinyoung's arm, a wide grin on his face.

Jinyoung couldn't help grinning back. Youngjae had that aura that lit up the room just with his smile. Jinyoung could see why Jaebeom liked him.

"She remembers you I see." said Jaebeom tonelessly, his arms crossed, face indifferent. He suddenly wasn't laughing anymore. 

Jinyoung chuckled to himself. He knew Jaebeom was possessive about Nora and he must consider it as a sort of betrayal considering how long Jaebeom had whined about her ignoring him for weeks before giving in and letting him cuddle her when Jinyoung had first brought her home. Before Jinyoung could respond, there was a rush of limbs and he was being crushed between Yugyeom and Bambam. Nora shrieked and leapt into Jaebeom's arms as Jackson and Youngjae laughed loudly.

"Hyung, you're here!" shouted Yugyeom, thumping his back hard.

"Park Jinyoung, Park Jinyoung, Fuck Jinyoung..." Bambam chanted.

Jinyoung punched him hard in the arm before pulling him into another hug, laughing with tears in his eyes.

"You're just the same. Both of you!"

"It's only been two months since you last saw me, what did you expect?" Yugyeom said rolling his eyes. Ever the twin brother Jinyoung never had.

"Wow Hyung, you're buff! How the hell did that happen? I thought Jack was only joking when he said you were his gym buddy!" said Bambam, squeezing Jinyoung's muscled arms. Jinyoung just gave him a smug smile before flexing his arm for a bit.

"You and Yugyeom better watch your mouths from now on if you want to grow old with your teeth intact."

"Oh ha ha." said Yugyeom rolling his eyes again.

But Jinyoung was now looking behind them searching for Mark. He found him leaning against the corner, his arms crossed and a warm smile on his face, waiting for them to release Jinyoung.

"Hyung..." was all Jinyoung could say before he extricated himself from Bambam and Yugyeom's clutches and threw himself in Mark's open arms.

"I missed you Jinyoung. We all did."

"I missed you too. So much, you have no idea..."

He felt Mark tense a little as he pulled out of the hug. He looked at Jinyoung for a moment, clearly steeling himself to say something, then grabbed his hand and pulled him into the living room without looking back at the others. Jinyoung expected to be taken towards the couch where they'd all been clearly sitting, as evident from the messy state of the cushions, but instead Mark walked him all the way to the balcony and shut the door behind them.

"Say that again Jinyoung?"

"Say what again?" asked Jinyoung apprehensively.

Mark looked angry, his mouth was set in a tight line and he looked at Jinyoung with such intensity that Jinyoung felt himself unable to maintain eye contact with him for more than a few seconds.

"Say it again, that you missed me."

"I really did miss you Hyung."

"Then why, Jinyoung, did you not answer my call even once for 2 weeks straight, did not open the door when I rang the bell everyday, did not eat the food I left for you every night, refused to let Jackson tell me what you'd been going through alone for months?"

"You'd started a new life of your own Hyung, you'd just gotten married. I didn't want you or Suzy noona to get involved any more than you had to." Jinyoung mumbled to the floor, pleading, his eyes finally filling with unshed tears.

"And how did that work out for you Jinyoung? For you or Jaebeom or me? You are both the same! I was going mad at the wedding, wondering where you were! I was this close, this close to calling your parents until Jackson finally broke down and told me everything when you didn't show up for the reception either! I should have been there with you Jinyoung. Neither of you called me, not you, not Jaebeom! You were both miserable while Jackson and Yugyeom were the only ones who knew anything. I should have been there holding your hand, letting you cry on my shoulder, feeding you, putting you to bed and here I was happily planning my own wedding, blissfully ignorant about my best friends slowly killing themselves of a broken heart!" Mark clutched at his hair before slamming his palms on the marble railing of the balcony breathing heavily.

Jinyoung knew Mark had been waiting to tell him all this for a long time. He'd sounded as normal as everyone over phone calls and texts once Jinyoung himself had felt ready to function normally again. Or as normal as was possible 3 months after his breakup. He'd forbidden Jackson from telling Mark anything in the first few weeks, telling him not to disturb Mark right before his wedding.

And then, he'd found it impossible to face all the happy faces that were bound to haunt him on the actual day of the wedding and he'd spent it curled up into a ball in his apartment instead, clutching one of Jaebeom's old hoodies, whimpering until he had no tears left to shed. Once Mark had forced Jackson into confessing, he'd done exactly what Jinyoung had been afraid of, he'd left his reception mid way, without a word to anyone except his wife and showed up at Jinyoung's door, pleading to be let in. Jinyoung had hardened his heart, sitting with his back leaning on the front door as he heard Mark slide down to sit on the other side. Mark had left after an hour when it was clear that Jinyoung wouldn't open the door.

It still hadn't stopped him from trying for two whole weeks, calling and leaving food at the door every day until he flew off for his month long honeymoon to America with his ever patient bride. Jackson had told Jinyoung how hard he'd had to convince both Mark and Suzy, even calling in Bambam and Yugyeom to help pack their bags and book their flights before he gave in at a pained look from his wife. They hadn't been able to visit Jinyoung again when they came back as they'd immediately started setting up their new home. Jinyoung had finally called Mark back and they'd talked just like old times after Jinyoung had apologized for not showing up at the wedding. He didn't give an excuse. Mark didn't need one and Suzy had always been like a sister to Jinyoung, kind and patient. They hadn't mentioned the breakup even once.

Jinyoung had felt the hurt and the anger beneath the facade. He knew the only reason Mark waited this long was because he was still protective of Jinyoung, he didn't want to make Jinyoung's heartbreak about himself, that was just how selfless Mark was.

But now, after they'd come face to face, Jinyoung could tell Mark's patience had run out. He'd hurt Mark by letting Jackson into his misery while keeping him out of it. The Maknaes understood that Jinyoung needed their discretion and distraction, but Mark was different. He was the eldest amongst them and he was used to being Jinyoung's confidante, his advisor whenever he and Jaebeom got into one of their petty fights, the one who called him out for his negligence when it came to his relationship and friendships.

They stood like that for a while, Jinyoung staring at Mark with tears in his eyes while Mark refused to look at him, his head hanging low between his arms that held the weight of his body and his hurt, as he gripped the railing with both hands. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Mark looked up, his eyes as swollen as Jinyoung's, tears streaking his face.

"Promise me Jinyoung...never again..." he croaked out, finally meeting Jinyoung's eyes.

"I promise" Jinyoung replied immediately, taking a step towards Mark. He felt relieved when Mark didn't move away.

"Say the words Jinyoung. I need to hear them from you."

"I promise to never shut you out again Hyung. I swear." said Jinyoung as Mark pulled him in for another hug, tighter this time, filled with feeling and forgiveness.

They talked for a long time, laughing, crying and teasing each other occasionally until they both felt calm enough to rejoin the others. Mark pulled Jinyoung into his lap on the floor as Yugyeom thrust a slice of re-heated pizza and Bambam pushed a glass of wine in his hands.

"Classy combination." said Jinyoung, raising an eyebrow at the Maknaes, as they chuckled looking smug.

Youngjae was stretched out on the couch, his feet brushing Jaebeom's leg and a gaming controller in his hand as he played a multi-player game with Bambam and Yugyeom. Jaebeom sat with his legs crossed, one hand holding a book, elbow resting on the armrest, lost to the world with a slight smile on his face, even as his other hand massaged Youngjae's foot absently. Jinyoung tried hard to appreciate the picture of domestic bliss they made, even as he felt his own smile become less natural and more strained. He had an inkling that they were trying to keep their physical proximity to each other to a bare minimum without seeming too obvious and making everyone awkward in turn, but all it did was make Jinyoung feel even more guilty for being the cause of it.

Jackson was scrolling through his phone, yawning, clearly sleepy. It was midnight already, way past his bedtime and they had to wake up in five hours if they wanted to leave on time. Jinyoung was finally feeling at home as they laughed and teased Jackson for half an hour more before they all split into groups for bed. The Maknaes chose the living room where Youngjae had already laid out a couple of sleeping bags saying they wanted to be near the fridge and the TV. Mark and Jackson chose the bigger spare room, they were so used to being room mates before Mark got married and moved in with his wife that it was a given that they'd be teaming up again.

That left Jinyoung on his own in the smaller spare room. He'd always been the one to insist on sleeping alone at their sleepovers during high school, refusing to share a mat, threatening to sleep on the cold floor if none of them gave in, refusing even to move in with Jaebeom until they'd been officially engaged and Jaebeom had agreed on splitting rent instead of his original plan of paying for everything himself. He couldn't even explain it to himself completely, the need to hide away his most vulnerable self from the world, as if he might accidentally expose all his weakness while he was asleep. It had taken Jaebeom eight years to break through some of his walls, enough to let him into Jinyoung's bed. Jinyoung felt an unexplained sense of warmth spreading through him as he watched his friends settle into the familiar routines they'd all been used to for years.

Until he had to look away and fight the sinking feeling in his stomach as Jaebeom gently pushed a sleepy Youngjae off the couch and nodded his head wordlessly in the direction of their bedroom while brushing his hand with his fingers lightly, clearly trying to be subtle. Youngjae seemed to understand as he followed Jaebeom into their room after exchanging a few last minute banter with Jackson and the maknaes. The final snap of their door shutting behind them had Jinyoung biting the inside of his cheek and shoving his shaking hands into his pocket before casually saying goodnight to the maknaes as they zipped themselves up in the sleeping bags. Mark and Jackson too shut their door after that, Jackson looking close to fainting with exhaustion. It had been a long day for all of them.

Half an hour later, as Jinyoung lay in bed staring at the ceiling in the dark, tears flowing freely from the corners of his eyes and into his ears unchecked, he saw the door of his room being opened and shut again quietly. Before he could make another sound, he felt two people slip into bed heavily on either side of him and put their arms across his waist while a ball of fur that was evidently Nora, curled up on his chest.

In that moment, Jinyoung let himself forget all the re-opened wounds, all the hurt and just let himself be grateful. He'd thought he'd been successful in hiding his feelings, it seemed to have worked at the moment, but apparently one person (or maybe both of them) hadn't been so easily fooled. Not only had Bambam and Yugyeom noticed, they'd come in to offer their quiet comfort. Pushing aside the inevitable sense of shame, an old habit of seeking seclusion in sleep, that goaded him for being caught licking his still unhealed wounds, his heart sent out a prayer and a sincere thanks for his friends as he felt gentle fingers carding through his hair and lulling him into sleep to the sound of Nora purring on his chest contentedly.

Jackson was right. Jinyoung had changed. For the better.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "When I first met you  
> I felt like I had known you forever,  
> telling you my secrets  
> and what I didn't want ever.  
> you listened to me  
> I bet you thought I'd never end,  
> who would have thought  
> we would become more than just friends."  
> -Lakiria Rowe
> 
> Poem link: https://www.powerpoetry.org/poems/first-time-seeing-you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for all the love and feedbacks. I feel emotional everytime I look at the comments and kudos.  
> This chapter took longer as it was a hell of a job editing it. Halfway through it I realized it was getting too long so I had to cut it short and separate it into another chapter. This chapter is more like a breather in between the events taking place in real time but it is very important to me. I really hope you guys enjoy!  
> Funfact: My working title for this fic is "The trip". Do you guys prefer that or is the current one more to your liking? I'm kind of obsessed with the "Call My Name" album and I've almost completed a fic called "Runaway" (my ult fav. B-side) for the JJP Big Bang. They'll upload it later when the time comes.  
> Don't hesitate to talk to me about anything in the comments section. You all are so nice and your positive feedback is extremely invaluable to me.  
> 

* * *

He rolled over in bed around three in the morning. His eyes glued shut from swelling and dried up tears. He could feel movement from the warm body that was trapped underneath his right arm. He snuggled in deeper into the crook of its neck and slung a leg over the hip to tighten the hug. 

"Hyung, if you squeeze me any tighter, I'm gonna have to roll you over and hump you like a dog." said a groggy voice colored with amusement and exasperation.

Jaebeom forced his eyes open and shifted a little to rest his chin on Youngjae's chest.

"I'd deserve it after what I put you through earlier tonight." he said with a guilty pout.

"You're allowed to cry after meeting your ex, Hyung. It hasn't been that long." whispered Youngjae, gently combing his fingers through Jaebeom's hair. 

"But you shouldn't have to go through it with me."

"We started as friends first, I know where your heart is Lim Jaebeom. And I know it will take some time to get it back."

When Jaebeom didn't say anything, Youngjae gently nudged his chin up with a finger to force him to look into his eyes. 

"I knew what I was getting into, Hyung. Don't forget that."

"You're too good to me." said Jaebeom smiling up at him before kissing him softly on the lips. 

"You've been honest with me from the start." said Youngjae. "It will take a while but you'll get through it. I'll be there at the end, whether you need me as a lover or as just a friend. You know that right?" 

Jaebeom snuggled into his chest and they lay there for a while. He still wasn't used to being in an actual relationship with someone who was, well, not Jinyoung.

All his life, his friends had accused him of being a pushover, too naive, with no sense of self preservation. With Youngjae, he'd learnt how to take care of himself, to not lose himself in a relationship, to love himself as much as he had loved Jinyoung. 

Still does. 

As far as he could remember he'd only ever been in love with Park Jinyoung. He'd tried dating around in school, after Jinyoung had called him out for turning their friendship into some kind of binding contract that forbid him from going out with other people. 

"You make it seem like I'm your owner Hyung, your parents don't seem too happy with me these days. Do you realize how it makes them feel? How selfish it makes me feel?" Jinyoung had blurted out in the school parking lot after Jaebeom's sixteenth birthday, when Jaebeom had dragged him to his car and asked him why he'd been avoiding him all day. 

"It's my choice not yours, nor anyone else's! I just don't want to date at the moment. They're gonna have to accept that." Jaebeom had countered with indignation. 

"But I don't!" Jinyoung had almost screamed, backing away from him. "I don't accept that! Why can't you just date around like a normal teenager and make your parents happy? Someone from your own social circle for God's sake, what's stopping you!" 

"You know what's stopping me." Jaebeom had said quietly, looking him directly in the eye. 

Jinyoung had flushed crimson and refused to get into his car. Jaebeom had followed him all the way to his little white painted, single storeyed house in a cramped neighborhood where Jinyoung had then proceeded to angrily pour them both a couple of glasses of juice from the ancient fridge and they'd both flopped down on the floor of the tiny but cozy living room with their textbooks open. They'd spent the next two hours in huffy silence, until Jinyoung's older sister had called them for dinner and the tension had dissipated naturally. 

No one could understand the power Jinyoung held over his heart, not his parents, not Mrs. Kim, not his four other best friends, not even Jinyoung himself. 

Jaebeom's parents had encouraged their friendship as they could see how hard working and well brought up Jinyoung was (in those rare moments they took time off work to have dinner at home with their only son and his new friend). It also helped that he'd transfered to Jaebeom's private school on a full government scholarship for exceptionally bright students.

Hanging out with Jinyoung meant less loitering, less parties and more studying, a report his parents were pretty happy to recieve from Mrs. Kim. His mom had almost adopted Jinyoung as a second son while his father considered him nothing less than a prodigy, someone he could mould and train himself when the time came for him to start building a career.

It all changed when they realized how Jaebeom's feelings for Jinyoung might be less than platonic. They couldn't really accept it wholeheartedly. Entrusting their only son's sensitive heart (which came attached with a significant fortune and their company's future) into the hands of someone as seemingly callous as Jinyoung, who besides being a man was also socially beneath them, wasn't a very welcoming development for them.

Jinyoung had been quick to catch up on the change in their behaviour towards him. Quicker than Jaebeom, who couldn't comprehend the fact that there were people who could not love Park Jinyoung as much as he did, let alone his own parents. 

His friends had been almost the same. They didn't trust Jinyoung, not having interacted with him or forced him to open himself up to them the way Jaebeom had. They thought him cold and blunt. They didn't know the way Jaebeom did, how kind, gentle and sacrificing Jinyoung was. They didn't know the way Jaebeom did, how honest, upright and self respecting he was. They didn't see the way Jaebeom did, how he'd happily given up his passion for dancing by the end of middle school when he'd realized his father wasn't going to get any better and every penny he earned needed to go into paying the lofty medical bills. They didn't know how hard he worked to keep his scholarship. They didn't realize how he still managed to keep up with schoolwork while tutoring _and_ working part time to help support his parents and sisters, who all worked menial jobs to make ends meet. 

So Jaebeom had been stubborn. He'd fallen head over heels the first time he'd seen Jinyoung sitting alone in the library. The way they'd met wasn't exactly the stuff of romance novels that Jaebeom devoured secretly every night, and he was pretty sure he'd left a less than good impression.

He'd been making out with a girl from the math club hidden by an aisle of textbooks when his eyes had met those of an angelically beautiful boy, face partially hidden by a pile of books, glasses perched dangerously on the edge of a cute, pug nose, his plush lips hanging open in shock.

Apparently, he'd only just noticed Jaebeom and his kissing partner flouting library rules so blatantly because he'd immediately lowered his eyes, closed his mouth with a snap and pretended to study furiously for the next half hour.

Jaebeom couldn't take his eyes off him, even as the girl pushed him away finally and accused him in an angry whisper of being too distracted. He knew Jinyoung must have felt his intense gaze too, the whole time he'd been kissing the girl. He'd apologized profusely and she'd left significantly more placated than before. He hoped he'd only imagined the condescending smirk on Jinyoung's barely visible face.

He had then proceeded to walk over and flop down unceremoniously across Jinyoung, shifting his pile of books aside so he could look at him properly. Jinyoung had been breathtaking even up close, with the white sleeves of his uniform rolled up, his top button undone and a tie clearly loosened in frustration at all the diagrams and calculations he'd surrounded himself with. Before he even knew anything about Jinyoung, Jaebeom had decided that Park Jinyoung was going to be in his life one way or the other. 

"Hey." Jaebeom had offered tentatively. 

"Hello."

"Sorry about that, back there. We kinda bumped into each other in the math aisle."

Jinyoung had just looked at him, feigning indifference. 

"And you're telling me this because...?" He'd asked, raising an eyebrow. 

"I just don't want to give the impression that I do it often."

"Why does it matter what I think? I'm not the library incharge."

Jaebeom had decided to ignore the very valid question. 

"You're the new kid right? First day, lot of work to catch up on. Need help?" 

"Sure."

"Okay, lay it on me. I'm pretty good with numbers...You can start by giving me yours." he'd added, with a smirk. 

Jinyoung had just looked at him incredulously. Jaebeom could feel the slow prickle of embarrassment down the back of his neck now. Granted, the pickup line hadn't been that funny or original and he wasn't a complete stranger to rejection, even if it was rare, but he wasn't used to not getting a reaction at all. 

A minute of uncomfortable silence later, Jinyoung had smirked back at him, clearly finding his red face funnier than anything he'd said so far. 

"Do _you_ need help with numbers? I could tutor you."

Jaebeom could feel his heart pounding at the smirk. It was even more attractive up close. 

"Actually, I do need help with English." Jaebeom had replied and Jinyoung had looked quite taken aback. "My parents want me to learn a foreign language before I leave school. I see you like reading English books."

He'd picked up the English version of "The catcher in the Rye" from Jinyoung's pile. 

"This one's my absolute favorite. The Korean version atleast." He'd added, for context. 

Jinyoung had watched him closely for another minute.

"Don't you have a tutor for that?" 

"I do."

"And?"

"I don't like him." 

"You don't have to like him, he's a teacher."

"I can't concentrate when he's sitting around picking his nose and rapping loudly at the table with his wooden stick everytime I get distracted. I'd rather pay someone who'll look at me like I'm a human being, not a knife sharpener." said Jaebeom indignantly. 

Jinyoung's smirk had turned into a genuine smile at that for some reason. Jaebeom's heart leapt. 

"Okay. Come to me after school. I can give you an hour before I have to leave."

"Why? Where do you have to go? Your parents too strict?" Jaebeom knew he was being nosy, but at this point he was way past the point of any significant self control. 

"No. I have to go to work."

"Where do you work? I'll drop you."

"At the CD store. And I can find my way thanks."

"C'mon, we're practically friends now. I can drop you in my car, Kang Hyung wouldn't mind."

"Who's he?" 

Jaebeom hesitated for a moment. He didn't know why he suddenly felt embarrassed about admitting to Jinyoung that Kang Hyung was a retired army man charged with driving him safely to and from school (or wherever else he fancied for that matter). Jinyoung had told him about his job without hesitation, yet somehow, Jaebeom still felt guilty about admitting to this one insignificant detail about his life. He'd never before wanted to impress someone so bad. A first, considering his normally unabashed and extroverted nature. But Jinyoung had been wringing out quite a few firsts from his life and they'd only just met. 

_"After I met you_

_I dream of being complete_

_It's like I found a puzzle piece_

_It has to be you."_

"He...works for my dad."

"I still can't go. It would be too much of a bother."

"No it wouldn't. Kang Hyung would be happy I'm bringing a friend."

"I meant me. I need to get used to the route to and from work. Can't do that if I'm riding around chauffeur driven cars on my first day."

There was a beat of silence. 

"You're really something else, aren't you?" Jaebeom had wondered out loud, just a tiny bit resentful at his offer being rejected so bluntly, but at the same time feeling a dawning respect for Jinyoung for his honesty, which added fuel to his already burning desire to get closer to him. 

Jinyoung had simply shrugged and gone back to work. Jaebeom left to find Mrs. Min, their school counselor and had been midly surprised to be informed that Jinyoung was already registered as an English and Math tutor for an hour after school everyday as part of the school's outreach program for disadvantaged students on scholarship. 

And just like that, their long and tumultuous friendship had begun. 

Jaebeom had tried every method in the book to get him to open up during their study "dates", no matter how many times he was rebuffed. Sometimes he'd get into petty arguments with Jinyoung over difference of opinion during class debates, over difference in technique during dance practice and even over difference in perspective during literature class.

Jaebeom would then feel guilty, realizing how Jinyoung didn't know all the confrontation came from a place of frustration, from Jaebeom's barely successful attempts at trying to get closer to him. So he'd be extra nice to him from the next day onwards. It was kind of fun, watching Jinyoung trying to hide his surprise and pleasure if Jaebeom agreed with him without a fight or caught up to him in the corridors to walk him to his next class, chattering non-stop. 

The first time he'd asked Jinyoung to have lunch with him and his friends in the school cafeteria, Jinyoung had made an excuse of having to go to the library. But Jaebeom had noticed his shaking fingers and fluttering, nervous eyes - a mark of how hyper aware he always was of Park Jinyoung. Jinyoung was clearly uncomfortable in social gatherings that weren't one-on-one.

So he'd called out to his friends that he'd catch up to them later and followed a wide eyed Jinyoung to the back of the library where he'd then proceeded to thrust his own home made lunch box (prepared by his ever indulgent governess) at him and grabbed Jinyoung's lumpy paper bag consisting of two, clearly leftover, mini kimbaps for himself. He hadn't minded the staleness for even a moment. Just watching Jinyoung reluctantly take a bite from Mrs Kim's freshly made kimchi rice (a family favorite) was enough to satiate his hunger.

He hadn't known then that he was in love with Jinyoung. He just knew he wanted to be around him all the time. They were only fourteen and he'd just started holding hands with pretty girls, making out occasionally and giving out peperos on Pepero day. But he'd known even then that one kind look from Jinyoung, one reluctant smile, the tension dissipating from his shoulders as he talked about his favorite authors, his dreams and his disillusionment about society in general, was enough to make him look forward to school everyday. Where school had been just an obligation before or a place to have fun, it was now a place solely designated for meeting Jinyoung everyday. Inevitably, he started spending more time with Jinyoung in the library or out in the stands at the basketball court, than he did with his other friends.

Nothing existed in the world for Lim Jaebeom other than Park Jinyoung - his seemingly cold eyes that would become so expressive when he let his guard down, his voice with that unique timber that Jaebeom wanted to record and listen to over and over again every night, his reluctant laughter that came out more and more as he opened up to Jaebeom, his excited face and hand gestures as they discussed deep topics like philosophy and social hierarchy which would have seemed pretentious and even embarrassing for Jaebeom, had his friends heard them. And the best part was, Jaebeom had him all to himself. He knew quite a few people, both girls and boys, who had been eyeing Jinyoung since the day he set foot in school, asking him to set them up but Jaebeom would shut them down with a meaningful glare. He was the only one who'd managed to break through Jinyoung's walls (or some of them at least) and he wasn't ready to share Jinyoung with anyone just yet. 

Hanging out with Park Jinyoung had brought another kind of clarity in his life, about who his real friends were. Except for the few scholarship students, most of the school was filled with rich kids. A lot of them tended to band together according to net worth, sharing a pretty narrow vision, forced by their parents to think about climbing social ladders and maintaining status quo more than learning to be functional human beings. Jaebeom had been surrounded by quite a few of them. He didn't mind. It was normal. He had other friends too, who didn't pay attention to these norms like him. And it was these friends who contributed in cementing Jaebeom's destiny with Jinyoung. 

One day, without warning, Jackson, Mark, Bambam and Yugyeom had plopped down in a circle around them in the basketball court stands and opened up their own homework without ceremony, bantering and talking to each other as normally as if they'd all been hanging out there for months. Jaebeom had looked at Jinyoung alarmed, expecting him to run away, and judging from Jinyoung's face, it did look like the thought had crossed his mind. But then Mark had gently nudged Jinyoung with an elbow and pointed to a math problem he'd been having trouble with, looking at him with imploring eyes.

"Can you help me with this? I have a test tomorrow." 

Jinyoung had looked like a deer caught in headlights, looking at Mark's pointing finger and back into his eyes before looking at Jaebeom (who'd sat frozen himself) and then back at Mark. He must have seen something, must have recognized a kindred spirit in the extremely introverted Mark, whose eyes, unlike Jinyoung's, did not hide his innate kindness and sincerity, because he had then proceeded to give him a small nod and began working on the problem with him.

And that was all it had taken for Jinyoung to become an integral part of their little circle of six. They had all embraced him with open arms, once they'd made an effort to look beyond his icy exterior to see what Jaebeom saw in him. As Jinyoung began trusting them, he became more cheerful, more playful, and savage almost to a fault, getting into fights with Yugyeom, blushing when Jackson praised him too much before trying to wrestle him to the ground, sitting on the grass curled up against Mark who seemed to have adopted him as his first born child, protective in a way that even Jaebeom wasn't. He would even let Bambam mess with his hair or play dress up with him, albeit grudgingly. 

However, there was still some kind of barrier between him and Jaebeom, a wall so thin yet so solid that Jaebeom could neither climb it nor break it, no matter how hard he tried. Emotionally, they were closer than anyone, reading each other's feelings without the need for words. But that stubborn wall remained. Jaebeom couldn't exactly blame him. He'd started their friendship with a bad pick up line and every now and then, he would catch himself staring at Jinyoung interact with his friends with a goofy smile on his own face, more times than he could count. Everytime Jinyoung seemed to become almost immediately aware and his eyes would snap up to catch him in the act before blushing furiously and looking away with a slight frown on his face. It seemed to make him uncomfortable if Jaebeom held his hand for too long in public or made jokes that were even remotely flirty. 

It hurt Jaebeom a bit when he'd watch Mark's hand on Jinyoung's waist or Jackson wrestling him to the ground and kissing him on the cheek if Jinyoung reprimanded him for something. He'd push Jackson away but then smile grudgingly. Jaebeom couldn't relate. 

He snuggled into Youngjae a bit deeper, hiding his smile into his chest, rising and falling evenly with every deep breath that Youngjae took in his sleep, as he remembered the night they'd played Jackson's elaborate version of the Pepero game. 

They'd had their first sleepover with Jinyoung at Jaebeom's house over a year into their new found friendship. Jinyoung had finally agreed to join them after months of convincing, helped along by Jaebeom, Jackson and Bambam talking to his parents behind his back. They agreed to convince him in turn, albeit reluctantly.

Jaebeom had been prepared for the reluctance. Jinyoung would visit Jaebeom's house occasionally on his days off work but Jaebeom would hang out at Jinyoung's house all the time, even if Jinyoung himself wasn't present. He got along with Jinyoung's older sisters like a house on fire, teasing them and getting affectionately scolded in return as much as Jinyoung himself. Jinyoung's mother knew all of Jaebeom's favorite meals and he'd eat more dinners at their house than he did at his own, much to Mrs. Kim's consternation.

Only Jinyoung's father seemed to have some reservations regarding Jaebeom's easy familiarity. He didn't say it out loud, too polite and well mannered, but Jaebeom had caught a glint of mistrust in his eyes that were eerily identical to Jinyoung ever since he'd started coming over. He didn't pay much mind to it though. Jinyoung's father was every bit as honest and dignified as Jinyoung himself and he felt nothing but utter respect for him.

Jinyoung would hang out in his bedroom everytime he came over but he always drew a line whenever Jaebeom would ask him to spend the night. So, it was quite an occasion for Jaebeom once he agreed - scrambling around the house, talking to the kitchen staff to make sure they had enough Homerun balls (Jinyoung's favorite snack that he rarely allowed himself to indulge in) to last them a year, changing his bed spread and cleaning up his room himself. He had always been a neat person naturally but that evening, he'd spent an extra hour making sure everything was in its place, his massive book collection (including the ones Jinyoung had lent him) in careful display - all in order to impress Jinyoung, as he admitted to Mrs. Kim unabashedly when she snapped at him for tiring her out. But then she had smiled fondly as she watched him rush back to his room, arms full of extra pillows and blankets piled dangerously high.

One last spritz of his favorite pine scented room refreshener and he was done. 

Jackson ofcourse had been the one to suggest the game, supported by Bambam, with vehement opposition from Mark and Yugyeom. Jaebeom hadn't joined the debate, choosing to watch Jinyoung instead who seemed to be admiring his room like he'd never been there before, picking through his books and deliberately avoiding looking at him. It was all so obvious yet so frustrating for Jaebeom. 

"Fine!" said Mark finally, "But I'm gonna be the one to burst the balloon, I'm not getting anywhere near any of your smelly mouths."

"We all brushed our teeth together, like literally ten minutes ago." Jackson had fired back at him indignantly. 

"I'll drink a can of choco shake standing on one leg" piped up Yugyeom. They all groaned collectively. Anything Yugyeom did was sure to involve his favorite choco shake. No matter how tough he liked to act despite being the youngest in their group, his habits were still so pure and innocent that they couldn't help baby him. 

"Jack and I will squeeze into a raincoat and try to button it up to the top." said Bambam, clapping his hands. 

"That leaves Nyoung and Jaeb to share the cracker" said Jackson wriggling his eyebrows at Jaebeom. Jaebeom had been quite surprised at Jinyoung's lack of speech until this point. He had expected Jinyoung to conjure up a task for himself that did not involve Jaebeom's mouth and a tiny pepero stick. 

He hadn't yet had a chance to completely work out his feelings for Jinyoung himself and he knew Jinyoung would be uncomfortable.

But he was in for an even bigger surprise when instead of throwing a tantrum, Jinyoung giggled at Jackson and then turned to Jaebeom with a teasing smirk on his face. The same one he'd had the first day they'd met in the library over a year ago. Jaebeom's heart still lurched in the same way though and he knew his bafflement must be showing on his face. They all got into positions and Yugyeom set up the timer since his was the least demanding task and the game began.

Jaebeom felt the butterflies in his stomach go wild as he watched Jinyoung crawl towards him and sit down beside him. As soon as Yugyeom said, "START!" Jinyoung turned to him with a cracker shoved deep into his plush mouth, Jaebeom could feel the tingling in his guts as he leaned in closer and closer and closer. Next thing he knew, Jinyoung had grabbed his neck with one hand and his shoulder with the other before thrusting the other end of the cracker into his mouth.

Jaebeom couldn't be blamed for losing control. Jinyoung had started it. 

He grabbed Jinyoung with both hands on his tiny waist and pulled him in with such force that the cracker ended up smashing against Jinyoung's teeth and their lips touched around the stick. He pulled back quickly and gestured for Jinyoung to continue the game as Mark waited for him with a blown balloon. He hadn't meant to kiss him, just tease him the same way he'd been trying to tease Jaebeom, but of course, nothing ever seemed to go as planned when it came to Park Jinyoung.

A part of him had hoped Jinyoung would just dismiss it as the accident it clearly was, but another tiny, more honest part had hoped that it would force some kind of reaction from Jinyoung showing that he liked it.

But without missing a beat, Jinyoung had turned towards Mark with admirable indifference and proceeded to put his arms around him so they could squeeze the balloon held between their chests into bursting. No one else seemed to have noticed (or had decided to ignore it on purpose). Jaebeom didn't care, he'd never been afraid of showing his emotions before and he wasn't going to start now. In that moment, he was completely sure that Jinyoung was more than a friend to him but did Jinyoung feel the same? Was that little bit of flirting just that? Harmless flirting?

The next few years had been filled with moments like these, Jinyoung giving in to some emotion buried deep within himself and allowing Jaebeom to get closer, but then, he'd get mad for things like, Jaebeom buying him a watch for his sixteenth birthday that he deemed too expensive or Jaebeom insisting on staying with him in the hospital when his father had been admitted for heart complications when they were seventeen or when Jaebeom joined the same resturant during college as Jinyoung, waiting on tables despite clearly not needing money himself. He'd had a hard time convincing Jinyoung that he hadn't done it for a laugh, that he took their friendship seriously and he wasn't going to get them both fired by being too careless or flirting with the female staff or anything else. He'd worked as hard as Jinyoung, even covering his shifts if he got sick or if he had to take the day off to help out at home and Jinyoung did the same for him.

He'd learned over time, that Jinyoung accepted his help only on reasonable terms and only when he wasn't being pressured into it. He started giving more space to Jinyoung and felt him relax around him. Enough that a week into college, he even agreed to go out drinking with them.

All six of them had collectively decided to draw lots and go to whatever place Jinyoung picked. They each wrote a name on a slip and put it into Jaebeom's bucket hat. Jinyoung picked Bambam's slip and they ended up in a bar a few miles from campus. There, under the mild influence of alcohol, writhing bodies and dim lighting, Jaebeom had dared to kiss Jinyoung properly for the first time. Jinyoung hadn't been drinking much either so he was quite conscious and sober when he'd kissed Jaebeom back, letting him slide his hands lower to his well endowed butt and pull him in closer. Jaebeom had been practically grinding against Jinyoung, pushing him harder against a wall in a private corner, (hidden by a bunch of people dancing or doing the same) when Yugyeom had found them, his eyes flickering here and there, hardly meeting their eyes, as he sputtered,

"Hyung, we gotta go. Bambam is completely smashed and I have an early class tomorrow. We're gonna crash at Jackson Hyung's, do you guys...wanna join?"

He'd faltered as he cautiously looked back at them and caught Jinyoung's blazing look from behind Jaebeom, Jaebeom still hadn't turned around, his hands still on Jinyoung's butt. When he had finally realized that Jinyoung wasn't going to answer and Yugyeom wasn't going to leave without one, he'd turned around grudgingly to find Yugyeom blushing a deep red as he glared back at Jinyoung defiantly. Some kind of silent communication was going on between them that Jaebeom couldn't quite figure out. He knew Yugyeom was just as protective of Jinyoung as his Hyungs but he still couldn't help feeling a bit defensive, like Yugyeom was trying to encroach on his territory. 

"Gyeom, I'll take Jinyoung home. You guys go ahead." he'd said, giving him the full advantage of his infamous sharp eye. 

Jaebeom knew he was stretching it a bit - Jinyoung didn't have a car and Jaebeom's apartment was the nearest place to the bar, so the clear solution was for him to spend the night there. Also, they hadn't discussed this arrangement before this particular conversation. 

Jinyoung didn't correct him though. Just nodded towards Yugyeom in encouragement and Yugyeom had left, looking at Jaebeom like a suspicious dad. It was a bit unfair, Jaebeom had thought. Wasn't Yugyeom his friend first, then Jinyoung's? He still couldn't understand their bond. Unspoken, tough love, fighting like cats and dogs one minute and sitting curled up around each other the next. They even shared a dorm room at campus even though Yugyeom could very well afford an apartment for himself like the others. Their bond was unlike what Jinyoung had with Mark, Jackson and Bambam but it was similar yet more comfortable than what he had with Jaebeom. Jaebeom had long ago abandoned any jealousy when it came to the other three, but Yugyeom's relationship with Jinyoung was clearly something else, as deep as the others, yet undefined. 

The little encounter with Yugyeom had left him feeling more desperate than ever by the time the two of them had stumbled into his apartment later that night, kissing furiously, trying to peel Jinyoung's clothes off right by the entrance even before the door had clicked shut on its own, afraid that Jinyoung would change his mind any second. But Jinyoung had only looked at him with an amused smile, before he'd stopped him gently with two hands on his shoulders after Jaebeom had tried and failed to remove Jinyoung's belt for the third time, fumbling at the buckle and mumbling curses. Jinyoung had looked him directly in the eyes when he'd said, 

"I want this much as you Hyung. Let me."

He'd then proceeded to pull Jaebeom all the way to his bedroom, sat him down on the edge of his bed and removed both of their clothes gently and with so much loving care that Jaebeom had nearly passed out with giddiness. They didn't have sex that night. They had made love. It had been Jinyoung's first time and Jaebeom wanted him to remember it for the right reasons - Jaebeom's fingers tracing loving caresses down his sides, Jaebeom's mouth gently leaving marks as he worshipped every inch of his body, biting his sensitive nubs to wring out keening moans that echoed into the night, and the sweet, sweet pain of having a solid warmth being pushed inside him, oh so gently, all combining to create an euphoric experience that he would never be able to compare to anyone other than Jaebeom. For who could love him the way Jaebeom had loved him.

Still does. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You come in my weary daily life  
> And always give me strength  
> You come softly  
> And make me unable to sleep  
> Can’t do anything about that  
> It’s new everyday  
> It’s new everyday Coffee  
> You are my coffee only for me  
> My one and only coffee that’s only for me...
> 
> -Long Black, Jus2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have updated the tags and the note at the beginning of this fic based on the references to mental health issues in this chapter. Please go through them before reading any further. I love you all so much. Take care. 
> 
> Note: link for more information about Alexithymia -  
> https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/neuroscience/alexithymia
> 
> I didn't have much time to edit it but this chapter is very close to my heart. I'm taking things slow and building on th angst. Hope you guys enjoy reading it as much as I did writing. 
> 
> Again, if you're triggered by any of the mental health issues implied or mentioned in this chapter, please don't read any further. Even though I have mentioned only Alexithymia by name, there is implied reference to other mental issues. So please be very careful, I care more about you all finding love and hope in my story than being negatively affected by it in any way.

* * *

Jinyoung could feel a pair of eyes burning a hole in his skull as he brushed his teeth.

"Spit it out Bam." He said exasperatedly, as he spit out the toothpaste foam into the sink himself.

"What? I'm just standing here, minding my own business."

Jinyoung was quickly losing patience. 

"If you wanna have a go at me at four in the morning too, then please, be my guest." He said, looking up at him through the mirror.

"Nah I'm good. Gyeom's probably said everything I wanted to say. And more."

"Listen, I know I deserve it, but...you have to understand..." he pleaded, turning around to face Bambam who was leaning against the glass door of the shower stall. "I'm not..."

Bambam's pensive mood seemed to shift. His expression softened as he walked over to Jinyoung, turned him around towards the mirror, and snaked his arms around his waist, in a back hug.

"We're gonna have to fix your swollen face before we go out."

"I don't give a shit about looking pretty when my insides feel like they're rotting away."

"It's not about looking pretty. You have to look as put together as we've all been led to believe. Remember why we're going on this trip?"

"Okay." Jinyoung sighed heavily. "After being ripped apart by Gyeom like that, I could do with some help in that department."

He turned his head slightly, frowning at Bambam over a shoulder. 

"You made him come to me, didn't you? Last night?" he asked. 

"Hyung, you know he's stubborn. But he loves you just as much as I do. And FYI, he was the one who told me to go to you. It's another matter that I had to wrestle him down and practically drag him into your room - a wonder we didn't wake up the whole house. The fact that he lost speaks volumes though. I mean look at him and look at me, he..."

"Not more than Jaebeom Hyung though."

"What?"

"He doesn't love me more than he loves Jaebeom Hyung."

"He doesn't have to." said Bambam, giving him a stern look. "Nor do the rest of us. We just have to love you both the same. Just because he's mad at you right now doesn't mean he loves you any less."

Jinyoung fell silent for a moment, pondering. 

"Will he ever forgive me though?"

"Who? Gyeomie or Jaebeom Hyung?"

"Dunno, both I guess?"

"Jaebeom Hyung's already trying, I can tell." said Bambam sympathetically, 

"Yugyeom...might take longer to come around." He added, rolling his eyes, "You know how much of a turnip he is. And not just when he's been laid out in the sun too long without sunscreen. I keep telling him how important SPF is for people like him, I mean look at him, he's practically Slender Man with his pale skin and those long limbs, but he just won't..." 

"Yeah, yeah, I got it." said Jinyoung, chuckling. His heart feeling lighter, despite himself. 

"Come here, let me fix that." said Bambam, as he sat Jinyoung down on a stool and proceeded to work his magic on his face. 

A few minutes of moisturizing later, Jinyoung realized that Bambam hadn't really said what was on his mind. He had an inkling that his hesitation was only because he was unsure of Jinyoung's reaction. 

"Penny for your thoughts?" Jinyoung mumbled through a sheet mask. 

"Oh wow, I forgot about your proficiency in english."

"Forget my English. When the hell did you learn the Korean word for "proficiency"?

"Oho we're back to Korean now?"

"Spit it out Bam. Don't keep changing topic."

"Stop saying that. Just because my name is Bambam doesn't mean I'm a real snake, Hyung!" 

Jinyoung removed his mask and gave him a warning glare. 

"Alright alright. I was just wondering..." he said, holding up his hands in a gesture of surrender. 

"Wondering what?"

"Can I-Am I allowed to ask you about your therapy sessions?"

"Yep."

"So...um, how's therapy?"

Both of them cringed inwardly at the awkward phrasing.

"It's good, I've been...doing some exercises."

"What kind?"

"Just, you know - how to handle unexpected situations, freezing up, trust exercises, practicing how to verbalize my emotions, stuff like that."

Bambam turned him around. 

"You did make mistakes Hyung. A lot of them. But you're only human. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you, you're just..."

"Emotionally stunted?" Jinyoung supplied. 

"...unable to vocalize your feelings. Most of us are it too, to a certain extent." Bambam finished, ignoring the interruption. 

"There is definitely something wrong with me, Bammah. Or I wouldn't need a shrink to fix me."

"It's a personality trait Hyung, not a disorder that needs fixing. You just need to learn how to work around it. Trust me, I took psychology as a minor in college, thanks to Doctor Yugyeom...unfortunately...I still can't believe he got into med school without me walking him through it. I mean, if I hadn't thrown a tantrum at dad and taken up fashion technology as my major, I would've totally had to tutor him. And now he gets to Lord over us all, acting like His Majesty granted us all such a favor by taking time off studying and showing up to..."

"I know. That's what my doctor told me too. But it always feels like there's something wrong with me. Like I have this thing, festering inside me.." Jinyoung trailed off, lost in his own thoughts. There was indeed something festering inside him, frustration, and guilt, over his own inability to articulate his feelings in the right way, at the right time. A ticking bomb inside him that would never explode but had managed to almost destroy some of his closest friendships, that did actually destroy the one relationship that had meant everything to him. 

Yet he felt guilty about acknowledging it too. 

"It's like I'm justifying all the hurt I caused and forcing you guys to take it because "I'm 'not right in the head'." said Jinyoung, not even registering the fact that Bambam was watching him with something akin to pity in his eyes.

"It's not like that Hyung. It's not like that at all. And it's not chronic in your case. It comes and goes. We have seen how loving and caring you are. How much pain you were in, just last night. Trust me, if we didn't know you have a functional heart, we would have never let you near Jaebeom Hyung again. He knows that too, even if he doesn't know about your treatment..."

"I understand. He was your friend first." said Jinyoung in a defeated voice. 

"No, you idiot. We wouldn't have tolerated you near him. But we would have split our time between you two, the way children with divorced parents do."

"We're not your parents, though. You aren't obligated in anyway."

"I know. You aren't cool enough to give birth to all of this." said Bambam sweeping a hand over himself with a flourish. 'Eomma'." he added sarcastically, rolling his eyes. 

Jinyoung didn't respond. He'd meant what he said, neither Bambam nor anyone else was obligated to choose him. 

But they still had. They had chosen to stick with him as well as Jaebeom, and that meant everything. He grabbed Bambam by the waist and pulled him into a tight hug, burying his face into his taut waist.

"Mark Hyung was always the mom for me you know, for us all. And Jaebeom Hyung was the dad. Or maybe Yugyeom?" he said, muffled against Bambam's sweater.

"One: That's a very inappropriate thing to say about your ex, Jinyoung ssi, and two: Yugyeom is a spoilt brat still stuck in his rebellious teenage phase."

"One: I said dad, not daddy and two: You'd be surprised"

"Trust me. I won't. I mean Gyeom has his moments but they're just that-moments."

"Maybe you've never forced him into a situation where he's had to have his dad mode on. Like me..."

"Oh please Hyung, I may look like a prude, but I have been into plenty of scrapes in my time that have gotten Kim Yugyeom's panties in a bunch more than once."

"Trust me Bam. You do not look, sound or act like a prude."

"I rest my case."

"Shut up."

Bambam just chuckled and kept stroking his head gently and they remained like that for a bit, before he broke the silence again,

"And you're sure, you don't wanna tell him about the whole Alexithymia thing, not even Mark or Jaebeom Hyung? I mean, Jackson and I already know."

"Not yet. I don't want them to forgive me out of guilt or obligation. I want them to forgive me because they love me, like Mark Hyung." 

"Besides..." he added, looking up at Bambam and giving him a tiny jerk with his arms still around his waist, "You two wouldn't even have known if you weren't so nosy. How did you guys even find out? You just showed up across the street outside the shrink's office! I was so shocked I forgot to ask."

Bambam had the good sense to look guilty. 

"Sorry, I just...It's not entirely my fault though." he said, turning defensive. "You know I'm vindictive. When I found out, weeks later mind you, that you'd let Jackson and Yugyeom in to pick up Jaebeom Hyung's stuff, while you refused to let them tell Mark and I anything, I was really hurt you know. After that, when you shut out Mark Hyung for two weeks straight but then later acted like absolutely nothing had happened, like the breakup had never even happened, I knew something else was going on. I couldn't be sure. We all assumed Jackson was what you needed at the moment, someone to cheer you up, make you forget your pain until you were ready to share it. We had an inkling that you'd open up to him first, stubborn asshole that he is. And you did, but only because he didn't make you talk about what had happened. And you were doing better than ever, going to the gym everyday, going back to work, even chuckling at his lame jokes..."

"Wow, you guys kept every report" Jinyoung muttered, but Bambam continued speaking fast, as if he hadn't heard him, 

"So I had this gut feeling, that there was something more. I didn't know if it was good or bad though. What if you'd started doing drugs?" 

"Woah...!"

"Anyway, I knew Yugyeom wasn't going to help, he was still mad at you, he wouldn't even let me speak- seriously though, I don't know what's going on between you two but you better resolve it soon! You're so weird, it's like you both live in a bubble of your own where you know things the rest of us don't and we can never catch on! So I had Jackson snoop around your apartment with the keys Jaebeom Hyung gave him to give back to you. He found your medical reports, with the mild Alexithymia thingy spelled out nice and bright on the coffee table - which is not where they should've been Hyung, when will you learn to be tidy? - And speaking of Jaebeom Hyung, he was a complete wreck when he showed up at Jack..."

"Wait, stop! Back up a bit. You sent Jackson to do what?" Jinyoung looked at Bambam, eyes narrowing dangerously. 

Bambam shifted his weight uncomfortably from one foot to another, like a child who's been caught next to a broken vase. 

"I-I had no choice. I mean Jackson was on board too and he didn't exactly think twice before agreeing to it. No one else seemed to have caught on, they were just happy to see you out and about! It had been months and they were all still talking about giving you space and I just..."

"Did it occur to you that maybe they were on to something about the 'space' thing?" 

"I...I was right though wasn't I? I didn't know what I'd find, but I wanted to make sure. We even had to call your parents so they would come down and be with you, and even then you were all casual about the breakup, like it had meant nothing! I wasn't going to let it go. Not until I knew what was going on. And face it Hyung, your entire problem has been you hiding things from us, pushing your feelings under the radar, I just didn't know what else to do!"

Jinyoung tried to remain angry but then he noticed Bambam's eyes glistening with unshed tears even as he tried to remain defiant, and it stirred something within his heart. 

He got up and pulled Bambam into a proper hug this time. 

"Thank you Bammah. For not giving up on me." he said quietly. 

Jinyoung's words seemed to break whatever brittle wall that had been holding Bambam back. He latched on to Jinyoung's shirt and completely broke down, still trying to speak in between shuddering gasps and sobs, 

"I-I was so s-scared Hyung! I th-thought we were go-going to lose you! That if I d-didn't do something, anything, y-you'd do something t-to yourself and we'd b-be too late. J-just like my m-mom."

How could Jinyoung have forgotten? The motherless Bambam's clingyness in school, his nervous eyes whenever anyone in the group got into a fight, the way he cried and forced them to make friends again if they weren't talking to each other for petty reasons. He'd changed as they grew up, become less sensitive, more mature than any of them, bluntly pointing out flaws in their arguments, calmly offering solutions or just letting them fight it out. 

But, Jinyoung realized with a sinking heart, it had all been a facade, much like the one he himself put up for the world to see. As he hugged a now grown up Bambam tighter, he wondered how he had missed the scared eleven year old kid still hidden deep inside him, the one he'd met so many years ago. The one who would sometimes call him "Eomma" without shame. The one who never missed an opportunity to sneak a hand in his own in corridors or whenever they watched horror movies. The one over whom Jinyoung had felt an inexplicable sense of protectiveness. They never knew exactly how Bambam's mother had passed away, but Jinyoung was now starting to get an inkling, and the implications horrified him, even as he was unable to tell Bambam. 

Bambam had felt something wrong with Jinyoung on instinct, making the connection with his own mother, because no one else could. Even if Jinyoung's condition wasn't as severe, Bambam had cared enough to make sure. 

Like a bolt of lightning, it struck Jinyoung now, the realization that Bambam hadn't called him "Eomma" in school because he thought him motherly, he'd called him "Eomma" because he reminded him of his own mother and her silent suffering. 

As he gently stroked Bambam's head and held his shaking form, Jinyoung had a dawning realization that there was so much he was yet to discover about his friends, even as he had begun this journey of self discovery himself. 

"What took you guys so long." asked Yugyeom mildly, once they were seated around the breakfast table, a stark contrast from the Yugyeom of a few hours ago who'd sat up in bed to cradle Jinyoung's still weeping head into his lap with Bambam fast asleep beside them, even from the Yugyeom who, an hour later, had responded to Jinyoung's whispered "I'm sorry" with a "Don't! Just don't!" and stormed out of the room as all their individual alarms went off at the same time. They hadn't really slept at all. Maybe none of them had. 

"Just talking" said Jinyoung nonchalantly. 

Yugyeom didn't say anything at that. He'd gotten some of his good humor back from last night. Or maybe he'd just found his resolve again, to treat Jinyoung civilly, for the sake of the group. Jinyoung had hoped to get through this trip without any reference to the past year, just like their group chat conversations, but he should've known better. Talking to his best friends through the filter of texts and actually coming face to face with them in real life was bound to be different. Ever since his confrontation with Mark last night, all he wanted to do was to just throw himself at them and beg for their forgiveness, to apologize for all the mistakes he'd made. 

But Yugyeom's rejection of his apology had scratched at a wound deeper than the one he'd been sporting lately. A wound that was older than his breakup, that was older than his relationship even. A wound that he hadn't realized Yugyeom still had his fingers in. A mistake that had started a chain reaction of mistakes upon mistakes that ended up destroying his relationship with Jaebeom. 

But it was going to have to wait. If holding back his emotions had caused him loss, pushing them onto his friends wasn't going to help either. He'd have to take it slow. One step at a time. One friend at a time. Mark's forgiveness had given him some of his strength back. He had Jackson and Bambam and apparently even Jaebeom on his side. All Jinyoung needed now was for Yugyeom to see beyond his mistakes and find it within himself to forgive him again. 

They had all been been shoving porridge whipped up by a slightly grumpy yet alert Jackson, down their throats, when Youngjae entered the kitchen, still in his pyjamas, hair ruffled and eyes half closed with sleep. He pawed at the refrigerator for a few seconds before managing to open the door, clearly disoriented. 

Jinyoung couldn't help smiling fondly with the rest as Youngjae grabbed a milk carton and plopped down between him and a similarly very sleepy Mark. The only ones who seemed completely alert were Jackson and Bambam. 

Jinyoung had been busy pouring coffee for himself when Youngjae's head dropped on his shoulder and he started snoring. He didn't wake up even when laughter surrounded him and Jinyoung's own chuckles threatened to throw his head off. 

"Whats all the commotion you assholes?" 

Jinyoung was immediately hyperaware of the warmth that had entered the room with that voice. He wondered if the others could sense it too, how his own body stiffened slightly, how his ears felt like they were on fire, how he immediately looked down when he saw Jaebeom's narrow eyes sweeping around the room before landing on him, then Youngjae or both him and Youngjae or maybe just Youngjae... 

Outwardly, he picked up his coffee mug again calmly in one hand, his phone in the other and started scrolling through his messages. He could still see through the reflection on the glass panelled table as Jaebeom staggered towards them, wearing only a tank top and pyjama bottoms and rubbing a hand over his face. He hoped he wasn't being too sensitive when he felt Jaebeom's eyes fall on him again, or them, or again maybe just Youngjae still passed out on his shoulder.

Jinyoung wished he could look up and check his expression. Did he find it weird? Did he think it was adorable like the others? Or did he resent it? Jaebeom never exactly hid his slight penchant for possessiveness over Jinyoung, it was quite possible he would feel the same about Youngjae. But would he resent it, if it was Jinyoung that Youngjae was getting close to and not a stranger? 

Before he could overthink any further, Jackson and Yugyeom immediately engaged Jaebeom in a discussion over the best route for their trip and if they could expect good weather all the way. As Jaebeom pulled a mug supplied by Bambam and leaned towards them, Jinyoung remembered with another pang, how Jaebeom hated coffee. 

Their last trip to Bambam's cabin two years ago had been a kind of celebration for the four oldest members of the group and their upcoming graduation. It had taken them a lot to convince Jinyoung and Yugyeom - Jinyoung wanting to go visit his parents & sisters before starting work and Yugyeom complaining about having to study for an Immunology test next week. 

Jinyoung remembered how Jaebeom had been up earlier than anybody else. How he'd barged into Jinyoung's dorm room without ceremony, fully dressed, thrown his large backpack on top of Jinyoung's, jumped on a sleeping Jinyoung like a wild cat and planted a full kiss on his mouth with no regards for his morning breath, his sleep swollen face or a very solid and alive Yugyeom snoring, with his head on an open textbook at their tiny desk. Jinyoung had told him then that he regretted giving him the pass code before rolling onto his stomach and trying to fall asleep again, but he hadn't been able to hide the smile tugging at the corners of his mouth as Jaebeom, ignoring his crankiness, had proceeded to move his wrists above his shoulders and drop light, ticklish butterfly kisses all over his neck and back, interspersed with a "Wake up Jinyoung kuuun" in a cute anime voice, moving dangerously lower until Jinyoung had squealed and shoved him off, fully awake and horny. 

He still remembered Jaebeom's loud laughter ringing in the early morning, a sound he could now trade his soul for, as he'd ignored Jinyoung's squirming to kiss his forehead and pushed him to get ready while he carefully laid out the freshly made coffee and full Korean breakfast on Jinyoung's bed. Jaebeom never forgot his morning coffee, even after years of friendship. The taste had changed as he got better at it, but every concoction of Jaebeom's had tasted like sweet nectar to Jinyoung. 

For a moment, just for a moment, as Jaebeom fed him heaped spoonfuls of black bean rice and vegetable omelet, Jinyoung had considered moving in with Jaebeom. He'd had those moments quite frequently - whenever Jaebeom held his hands as they went grocery shopping together but seperated in the parking lot, Jinyoung insisting on taking the bus; whenever Jaebeom showed up at his dorm and grabbed whatever textbook he'd been attempting to read before throwing him back on his bed and making love to him like a horny rabbit; whenever Jaebeom threw a book at him and demanded that he find time to read it and give him a complete review; whenever he would spend more time watching Jinyoung at the theater than the movie itself like the cringy romantic Jinyoung loved; whenever Jaebeom lay down quietly beside him, just holding his hand, lost in his own thoughts... 

Sometimes he would look at Jinyoung with wonder in his eyes and what Jinyoung recognized as uncertainty. In those moments, Jinyoung would want so badly to remove all his doubts, kiss him, hold him and assure him again and again that he would never leave him, that he was as in love with Jaebeom as he was in love with Jinyoung.

But the words wouldn't come. 

_"I who hated myself_

_For making you cry_

_I resented myself_

_For making the mistake of hurting you_

_Now my name has lost its meaning_

_Without you_

_So please, call it again"_

Jaebeom was never late for days like that, when he could spend time with Jinyoung, unless they counted the months towards the end of their engagement when he'd become less and less enthusiastic everytime he threw away the rapidly cooling coffee Jinyoung had forgotten in his rush to get to work, when they managed to go out without Jinyoung canceling at the last moment due to some work emergency or when Jinyoung came home to find Jaebeom, dressed up in his best and curled up on the couch with Nora, watching TV indifferently, even as an elaborate meal complete with flowers and candles sat on the dinner table, gone stone cold hours ago. 

Every moment of every day, Jinyoung berated himself, for missing their dates, for missing Jaebeom's album launch party, for missing engagements with their friends, for missing an important dinner when both their parents had finally decided to meet as a family, and the last blow, the final one that had dropped the curtains on their relationship, the night he'd missed their anniversary dinner. 

But more than that, Jinyoung absolutely hated himself for neglecting the little things that gave Jaebeom the most happiness - like Jinyoung drinking his coffee every morning and kissing him deeply in silent thanks, expressing the love and gratitude he couldn't articulate in words. 

He still berated himself for not stopping Jaebeom, for not trying harder, for not ignoring the panic and the trembling in his body and just throwing himself at Jaebeom, begging him to stay. But the words wouldn't come. 

The words just wouldn't come. 

As Jinyoung felt his mood sink further, Youngjae gave a massive grunt and startled awake, looking around like a man lost at sea. Jinyoung chuckled with the rest as he reached out to grab some coffee for him at the same time as Jaebeom. He quickly grabbed the sugar bowl instead and pretended not to notice as Jaebeom poured some coffee into his own mug and pushed it towards Youngjae. 

"Glad to have you back with us." said Jaebeom with a teasing smile. 

" 's your fault anyway." Youngjae muttered and took a sip, groaning with satisfaction. "Whoever made this coffee, you have my gratitude for life." he said, practically gulping it down. "It's exactly the way I like it."

"It's not that good." said Jinyoung, laughing. 

"Oh c'mon Hyung, you're definitely some kind of coffee connoisseur, it tastes so good." said Youngjae, with an exaggerated look of adoration on his face. 

"I don't really drink coffee anymore." Jinyoung said, without thinking until he felt Jaebeom's eyes on him, or them or most probably just Youngjae (he needed to keep reminding himself), so he quickly added, "My trainer doesn't let me."

"That's right!" said Jackson before going back to his own conversation. Jinyoung grinned at him even as Jaebeom chuckled and finally looked away, much to his relief. 

"Wow Hyung, how do you even function?" Youngjae looked genuinely surprised.

"Dunno, I usually have a protein shake or something" 

"You're welcome." Jackson interrupted them again, before going back to scrolling through Google maps with Mark and Jaebeom looking over his shoulder. 

"I can't even keep my eyes open without my morning cup. And the taste, if done right, oh my God..." said Youngjae, his eyes rolling up as he let out a moan in the most erotic way. Yugyeom chose to choke on his coffee at that exact moment and Bambam had to thump his back while trying (and failing) to hold in his laughter. The others joined in, letting out guffaws, even as Jinyoung singled out Jaebeom's low rumble, trying to get reacquainted with all the sounds he'd heard more times than he could count for over a decade. 

The next minute, he scolded himself for forgetting that he had no business to be doing any of that. Jaebeom wasn't his fiance anymore. He was someone else's boyfriend, someone who, more importantly, was his friend and was sitting right next to Jinyoung, unaware of his private indiscretions. 

"I take it you're pretty particular about your coffee Jaeyah?" Jinyoung teased Youngjae over all the commotion. "I bet I'm the first person to touch your coffee maker after you."

"Ah, no way, I never wake up early enough. I'm always rushing off to work, completely dependent on other people in the mornings." said Youngjae with a chuckle. 

Jinyoung finally understood why Youngjae had liked his coffee so much. After all, Jinyoung knew only one way to make it. 

And there it was again - guilt, and a sense of loss combined - Guilt, that Youngjae and Jaebeom felt the need to tiptoe their way around him so it wouldn't look like they were rubbing their relationship in his face and loss, at the fact that Jinyoung knew the exact brand, smell and taste of the brew that Youngjae had every morning. 

Jinyoung had once let slip that he'd never had coffee, during one of their study dates. Jaebeom had taken it to heart and presented him a flask the very next morning before school, filled with coffee that Jaebeom had made himself. Jinyoung had become addicted to it, not for its flavor (it had tasted disgusting, Jaebeom had clearly never made coffee before) but for the thoughtfulness that had gone behind its preparation. 

Over time, Jaebeom's coffee making skills had improved to damn near perfection. But somehow, Jinyoung still remembered the taste of his first coffee as being the best of them all, the, almost too bitter to drink, liquid had felt sweeter than honey with Jaebeom watching him eagerly as he drank and looking throughly pleased with himself when Jinyoung hadn't gagged or spit it out, one of those rare moments of vocal passiveness Jinyoung looked back on without regret.

All of them were completely awake and ready to leave by 5 am, including Jaebeom and Youngjae, despite Jackson and Bambam's insistent predictions to the contrary.

As he stepped into the elevator with Mark and Yugyeom, Jinyoung tried not to notice the domesticity of Youngjae berating Jaebeom for forgetting his car key again by dangling it infront of him condescendingly. Jaebeom, who'd been trying to be subtle about patting the pockets of his jeans after locking the front door, just gave him a goofy smile and a kissy face as he snatched it from him and fondly smushed his cheeks together with a free hand. Youngjae smacked his hand away but Jinyoung could tell he was glowing. They were only two months into their relationship and they still made a perfect picture of a couple in their honeymoon phase. 

It was hard to avoid the whole scene when Jinyoung had already been in the middle of a spirited conversation with Youngjae about the various natural attractions surrounding Bambam's mountain cabin. Looking away immediately would have given him away, so he had laughed along with Mark and Bambam and hoped they couldn't tell how fake it was. 

As Yugyeom pulled Youngjae into the elevator with Jinyoung and Bambam so they could continue their conversation, leaving the others to file in behind them, Jinyoung couldn't help the tightness in his chest from gripping him again.

His mind jumped back to another memory from their last trip; Jaebeom dangling his car key at Jinyoung with a smug smile before thrusting it in his hand and settling into the passenger seat, feet up and eyes closed in contentment. He had always hated driving (or that's what he told Jinyoung), always insisting that Jinyoung drive whenever they went out. 

He'd tell Jinyoung he needed all the practice for when he was ready to buy his own car. Jinyoung knew it was all a ruse to make him reconsider, after he had flat out refused to let Jaebeom buy him one as they were neither engaged, nor married. Despite knowing Jinyoung like the back of his hand, Jaebeom could be as stubborn as him sometimes. 

Jinyoung hadn't known back then that he'd just been testing waters. And so he'd been led by Yugyeom to a huge surprise in the parking lot of the campus as soon as they'd returned from the trip. Jinyoung had called up Jaebeom immediately and had been ready to fight, before Jaebeom reminded him that they were engaged now and by Jinyoung's own rules, what was his was now Jinyoung's and vice versa. 

He'd underlined this point by asking Jinyoung to go apartment hunting together, now that Jinyoung had to move out of the dorm that he shared with Yugyeom (who was yet to graduate) and they needed to find a place convenient enough for both Jaebeom and Jinyoung to travel to and from work. Jinyoung had been nervous but it had been one of the best moments of his life the first time they'd finished making love and Jaebeom had still been there in the morning holding him like he was his favorite plushie. Jinyoung had felt at home. Like he belonged there, with Jaebeom. 

Jinyoung was pulled out of his reverie by a loud argument going on between Bambam and Jackson who both insisted on riding in Mark's car as he was the faster driver and they didn't trust Jaebeom's driving skills. 

"Yah! It was one time. I hit that truck one time! I'm not gonna get you killed!" Jaebeom had finally shouted in indignation. 

"Oh please Hyung, it was only one time when _we_ had been in the car. Who knows how many trucks you've hit since then." said Bambam scathingly. 

"Yeah, you hardly even drive." Jackson had added. 

"Excuse me, I drive to work everyday and even to the grocery store. Ask Youngjae!" 

"Yes. Yes he does." Youngjae lied quickly, trying to hold back a chuckle as Jaebeom gave him a warning look with his eyes narrowed. 

Jinyoung just laughed along, even as he remembered how another purpose of Jaebeom wanting his hands free the whole drive on their last trip had been so he could put them on Jinyoung and tease him to his heart's content. He had a hard time trying to fight the growing ache in his chest as he tried not to think about Jaebeom putting his hands all over Youngjae the way he'd done with Jinyoung. Did they make love in the same way? Was Jaebeom as perceptive about Youngjae's needs as he was with Jinyoung's? Did he also surprise him by asserting dominance, pinning his hands above his head and thrusting into him rough and raw one time, and then becoming oddly submissive and pliant the next, taking his time to leave butterfly kisses down his body before taking him into his mouth?

Jinyoung didn't realize he'd been standing there with his hands fisted inside the pockets of his jacket, his jaw clenched until he felt a warm hand on his arm tugging gently to get his attention.

"Hyung, will you ride with us?" said Youngjae, his eyes as warm as his hand.

Jinyoung hesitated for a moment at the seemingly odd request before he remembered that Youngjae wasn't just Jaebeom's boyfriend, he was also their friend. He'd accepted his boyfriend's ex fiance and his mismatched group of friends with an open heart. Jinyoung wasn't going to back down on his end of the bargain, no matter how much it hurt. Youngjae had an identity of his own, seperate from Jaebeom - as Jinyoung's friend. 

Or so he was pleasantly reminded as Youngjae slid in to join him in the backseat of Jaebeom's car, sitting behind the driver's seat as Yugyeom called shotgun. 

Naturally, since this problem was resolved, Jackson and Bambam had another five minute argument over who would be riding shotgun in Mark's car, until Mark revved his engine in warning, staring straight ahead with his mouth fixed in a tight line. Mark wasn't one to get mad usually, so one sign from him was enough to make Bambam jump grudgingly into the back of his jeep even as a triumphant Jackson slid into the front with more grace. 

'Here goes nothing' Jinyoung thought, taking in a deep breath, as Yugyeom and Youngjae immediately fell into a spirited discussion about their favorite music while Jaebeom started the car and Yugyeom tinkered with the radio; even as Jinyoung looked up at the rear view mirror involuntarily and met Jaebeom's intense eyes looking back at him. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the road to nowhere  
> Ridiculous as it may seem  
> My life comes  
> to a standstill  
> As you look me in the eye  
> As I look at your beauty  
> And I let my heart  
> have its fill.  
> -GK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UPDATE: Guys, I'm so sorry for being late. I've read all your comments and I appreciate each one of them so much. The recent Coronavirus outbreak has kept me busy at work. I hope you guys are staying safe. Rest assured, I won't forget to update, since this is like my one getaway from the real world, a kind of therapy. I've even written most of the chapters including the final one so I won't leave this unfinished. It's just going to take longer than I anticipated because the editing part is what takes me the longest time, sometimes I rewrite whole chapters right on the day of publishing because I don't feel the vibe. I want you guys to only see the best of what I can give, so please be patient and thank you so much for all the love. I'm overwhelmed! 😭💚
> 
> God that JJPGyeom moment in the latest Hotline episode! I'm still giddy. Why do we even bother writing fanfic for these three? 😂💚

* * *

The sudden swerving of the car snapped Jinyoung out of his reverie. They'd been on the road for over an hour now. Yugyeom and Youngjae seemed to have finally fallen silent. Or as silent as they could be while snoring in their respective seats. 

"You okay back there?" asked Jaebeom quietly. Jinyoung looked up and caught his eyes in the rear view mirror before looking away immediately. 

"Yeah...yeah, just drifted off I guess."

"Sorry to wake you up. I swear it was the other car's fault." said Jaebeom with a low chuckle. 

"Yeah, no problem. Want me to take over?" Jinyoung teased him, ignoring the fluttering in his heart at Jaebeom's husky voice, deliberately low so it wouldn't disturb the other two. 

"So you can "drift off" with your eyes open again? I don't think so."

"My eyes were not open." Jinyoung said in an indignant whisper. 

"Yes they were."

"Only for a few minutes."

"The entire time."

"How do you know?"

"I was watching."

"Maybe if you kept your eyes on the road more..."

"Yah! It was one time! I hit that truck one time! And now that I remember, Bambam and Jackson weren't even in the car!" Jaebeom whispered back furiously. 

"I wonder how they found out..." said Jinyoung, checking his nails. 

"You told them, you sneaky little..."

"Careful Hyung, remember rule number 37 of driving with Jinyoung?"

"No funny busness?" asked Jaebeom, glancing at him through the rear view mirror. 

"I meant no swearing."

"That's rule number 36 you idiot."

But then he laughed. Which didn't help Jinyoung's confusion one bit, so he just gave a small chuckle and looked back out of the window. Was Jaebeom flirting with him, or was it just normal innuendo shared between two bros? Did he _want_ Jaebeom to flirt with him? Jinyoung couldn't tell and it was frustrating. Surely, Jaebeom wouldn't flirt with his ex right infront of his current boyfriend, would he? As the answers wouldn't come quickly enough, he simply laughed along with Jaebeom and dismissed it as a joke.

This, he thought, was easy. Just two old friends teasing each other. 

So why, he wondered, was there suddenly an awkward silence in the car?

It took him a moment to realize that Youngjae wasn't snoring anymore. 

"Jaeyah, you up?" asked Jaebeom cheerfully, a bit too cheerfully. 

"Yeah. I woke up quite a while ago."

"Nap good?" 

"Yup. Real good."

Youngjae's tone was just as cheerful as Jaebeom's but Jinyoung's guilt wouldn't let his heart rest so easily. Did Youngjae think their conversation was inappropriate? They'd hardly said anything really explicit but with their history together, things could be taken out of context. 

Whatever Youngjae felt about the situation, he clearly didn't want to let on, so Jinyoung tried to relax. 

"Where's Coco, I didn't get to meet her yet?" he asked Youngjae, adopting the same cheerful tone. 

"She's with my mom. Nora's too much of a handful for the sitter already. Adding a dog into the mix - not a good idea. " replied Youngjae with a smile. 

Jinyoung smiled back. Bringing up Coco had been a good move. His therapist would be proud. 

"So, tell me more about you Jae. You told me you work at Lim Corp.?" asked Jinyoung non-chalantly. 

"Yeah..." said Youngjae, looking a bit distracted. 

"He used to work directly under my dad. His personal assistant, until he got demoted to being mine." Jaebeom supplied with a chuckle at Youngjae. 

"Yeah, yours." said Youngjae, with a wink. 

Jinyoung could only hope, he was imagining the implication behind Youngjae's words. Otherwise, it could be very well confirmed that his earlier conversation with Jaebeom had been out of line and now Youngjae felt the need to be defensive. 

Jaebeom just chuckled again and fell silent, concentrating on the road.

Jinyoung tried again. 

"It must have been hard. Mr. Lim is quite the task master."

"Dunno. Abonim seemed quite happy to hand things over to me. I must have done something right."

Again, Youngjae's voice was light and cheerful, yet his choice of words had so much ambiguity that Jinyoung couldn't help breaking a sweat. He'd always gotten along with Youngjae, when they were talking through the group chat or even through private text. But somehow, in the last half hour, his own guilt had him trying to find hidden meanings and sinister implications in Youngjae's words, even though Youngjae had been nothing but polite. 

That was it, the problem, Jinyoung realized. Youngjae wasn't being himself, he was being polite.

Unlike an hour ago when he'd joined Yugyeom spiritedly in teasing Jinyoung for being such a child about his addiction to strawberry shake, Youngjae was now just answering enough to keep the atmosphere from becoming awkward. It didn't work. Youngjae didn't seem resentful but it did look like he was thinking very deeply about something. 

But Jinyoung didn't know what to do, so he let it go, trusting Youngjae to get back to normal by himself. It wasn't his business anyway, it was Jaebeom's. They'd work it out between them. 

He looked out of the window again. 

"Oh-oh!" he suddenly said pointing. "Yugyeom, did you see, do you remember? We stopped at that ledge last time to watch the sunrise!" 

Yugyeom jolted awake, rubbing his eyes. 

"The one where Jaebeom Hyung almost fell over the edge?" he said, rubbing his eyes, his voice groggy. 

"Yeah, umm, I forgot that part." said Jinyoung as Youngjae let out a squeak, his interest clearly piqued. 

"You would." said Jaebeom tonelessly, glancing at Yugyeom instead of Jinyoung. 

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jinyoung asked, incredulous. 

"You didn't seem pretty concerned when it was happening." said Yugyeom, holding Jaebeom's side eye for a moment before looking back to the front. 

"Why, what happened?" Youngjae asked. 

"Hyung was bending too far out." said Jinyoung quickly. 

"Excuse me but you tried to push me off." said Jaebeom. 

"He did" said Yugyeom nodding. 

"No, I didn't!" 

"Yes you did." said Yugyeom turning around completely and lacing both arms around the neck of his seat to look at Jinyoung directly. Jinyoung felt cornered. 

"Are you crazy, why would I push him?"

"I don't know, maybe you thought it would be funny. One moment Jaebeom Hyung had his arms out like freaking Christ the Redeemer and the next you were both grappling too close to the edge."

"Yah, don't make me sound so morbid. I was trying to pull him back. I didn't push him. I didn't." he said turning towards Youngjae helplessly, who just burst into laughter, looking at the indignation on his face. 

"They're teasing you Hyung. You really think I'd believe you tried to kill someone, let alone your boyfriend?" 

Jinyoung's heart seized, so it seemed did Yugyeom's, judging by his gaping mouth.

"You don't know him Jae. He hated everyone. I'm surprised we weren't wiping Yugyeom's body off their floor by the end of first semester." said Jaebeom, who didn't seem to have noticed anything. 

Jinyoung collected himself quickly and gave a snort of disbelief. 

"Oh, you guys were together in college?" asked Youngjae, looking between Jinyoung and Yugyeom. 

"Wha-no! We were just roommates." said Yugyeom, turning back quickly to the front. Jinyoung could see his one visible ear turning a brilliant shade of pink. 

"We were best friends." said Jinyoung, looking intently at Yugyeom's pink ear.

"Were?" Youngjae wondered. 

"Yeah, he left me for Bambam."

Youngjae tutted in mock sympathy, giving Jinyoung a conspiratorial wink. 

"Excuse me. I didn't leave you for anyone. Bam's my best friend too but you're still my first. So shut up." said Yugyeom turning around to glare at them both. 

Jinyoung couldn't help the satisfied smile that reflected the sudden warmth in his heart. 

"Always?" he asked, teasing. 

Yugyeom looked back to the front without saying anything. But Jinyoung was fine with that. Yugyeom remembered, and that's all that mattered for now. 

Youngjae looked back and forth between them and then turned back to the window, deep in thought again. 

Jinyoung was still smiling goofily when he remembered that Jaebeom hadn't said anything for a while. He sneaked a glance in the rare view mirror and his heart stopped for a tiny second. Even though Jaebeom loved Yugyeom as much as any of their other friends, he still had the same look on his face at the moment that he used to have whenever he caught Yugyeom and Jinyoung whispering to each other or when they were cuddled up too close. A look of forced disinterest. Jaebeom was very observant and his eyes were quite expressive. He would always try to remain neutral, respecting Jinyoung and Yugyeom's friendship enough to not say anything, but Jinyoung could read him like an open book.

It troubled him, their closeness, and Jinyoung couldn't really blame him. His relationship with Yugyeom was different, complicated, had always been... 

_"Stop."_

_Jinyoung froze, in the middle of closing the door quietly behind him. He blinked in the dark of the dorm room, barely seeing the outline of the tall man standing in the tiny space between their beds._

_"Don't." said Yugyeom, as Jinyoung finally shut the door and made to switch on the lights. "I don't want to see your face right now."_

_"Is this how you speak to your-" Jinyoung began coldly but Yugyeom cut him off,_

_"Hyung? Is that what you are Park Jinyoung? Older, mature? Because you haven't been acting like it lately." Yugyeom snapped back at him._

_Jinyoung's eyes had pretty much adjusted to the dark by this time, helped by the orange glow of the streetlights falling through their tiny window. He could see Yugyeom's arms crossed tightly across his chest, like he was holding himself back from doing something he would regret._

_"I am an adult Yugyeom. I can go out with whoever I want and get laid if I want, you're not my-."_

_"Is that what Jaebeom Hyung is to you? An easy lay?" said Yugyeom, raising an eyebrow._

_"Maybe." said Jinyoung coldly, not ready to back down._

_"I refuse to believe that."_

_"Why not?"_

_"Because, you wouldn't have waited until last night to sleep with him."_

_"Yugyeom, I had a long day and I have a lot of homework. I don't have time to play doctor with you. Leave me alone." said Jinyoung trying to brush past Yugyeom to get to their tiny shared cupboard behind the beds._

_But Yugyeom simply blocked him and grabbed his arm. Jinyoung closed his eyes in frustration._

_"Did you spend the whole night with him or did you leave right after? While I was at Jackson Hyung's?"_

_"I don't see how it's any of your business." said Jinyoung icily._

_"It is my business. He's my friend."_

_"And I'm not?"_

_"Not if you're going to break his heart."_

_"Like I broke yours?"_

_There was a beat of silence in which Jinyoung just wanted to smash his own mouth in but then Yugyeom was pushing him backward and slamming him against a wall anyway._

_"This has got nothing to do with that!" he spat, breathing heavily and clutching Jinyoung's collar tightly._

_Jinyoung didn't react. He could feel a familiar ache burning in his chest, not from being manhandled but from what he had done to Yugyeom, again._

_"I don't need you to protect me, Yugyeom." he gasped, trying to keep his voice even._

_"Yeah? And who's going to protect him from you?"_

_"Is that what this is about? Are you worried that I'll hurt Jaebeom Hyung or are you mad that I hooked up with him and not you?"_

_No! Why was he saying these things to Yugyeom? His tongue seemed to be out of his own control, lashing back when he should be the voice of calm, of reason._

_For a moment, he thought Yugyeom was going to punch him. But then he did something worse. He let go of Jinyoung and collapsed on the edge of his bed with his face in his hands._

_They stayed like that for what felt like an eternity. But then Jinyoung dropped down to his knees and placed a hand on Yugyeom's thigh tentatively._

_"How long have you known?" Yugyeom asked quietly._

_"I didn't."_

_Yugyeom looked up at him in shock._

_"Then...why did you say that?"_

_"I-I had an inkling. Have, for a while now."_

_"Why didn't you confront me then?"_

_"I didn't want to spoil this, us, because..."_

_Yugyeom was watching him intently, his expression a mixture of anticipation and dispair._

_"...because I don't feel the same way." Jinyoung continued firmly. Yugyeom looked away, his face a range of emotions - dispair turning into resentment, resentment turning into pain and pain turning into defeat._

_"But you know right?" he said after a while, turning back to look at Jinyoung. "You know that all I've ever done is look out for you? This won't just hurt Jaebeom Hyung. It will hurt you too."_

_"I really wanted it Yugyeom."_

_"Did you tell him that?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Did you tell him you wanted" him"?_

_A beat of silence._

_"No."_

_"Did you tell him you love him?"_

_"No."_

_"Did you stay the night?"_

_"I took the last bus home when he fell asleep."_

_Yugyeom's eyes were glistening but his gaze was steady, piercing, filled with meaning._

_"I-didn't want to give him the wrong idea." said Jinyoung, no longer able to meet his eyes._

_"Like what, that you're in love with him?"_

_"That we can be together."_

_"You've been telling him that for years. Did it work?"_

_Jinyoung was silent._

_"Why can't you just tell him to fuck off then? It will be easier on you, easier on him than this, standing on the edge, never knowing if you're going to pull him towards you or push him away. This friendship thing clearly isn't working for either of you. It's been years. What you did last night, it can't be undone. You've crossed a line despite knowing how deep his feelings go. I hope you know that."_

_"I'm not as strong as I thought I was...You deserve so much better Yugyeom."_

_"Really? You're gonna throw clichés at me now?" Yugyeom said, his tone like acid. "And what about Jaebeom Hyung, doesn't he deserve better?"_

_"That's-different."_

_"Exactly, it's different, because I know more about you and the way your mind works than he does. I can understand you, treat you better."_

_"You haven't even started med school."_

_"I can wait."_

_"You shouldn't have to."_

_"I want to."_

_"But I don't want you to." said Jinyoung firmly. "You're my best friend Yugyeom."_

_And it was true. Yugyeom was a part of him, a part he couldn't live without, he loved him but not the way Yugyeom wanted him to, not the way he loved...no, he won't go there. No matter what Yugyeom said or his other friends implied._

_"And I'm paying the price for it." said Yugyeom getting up and putting on his shoes. Jinyoung grabbed his arm._

_"Where are you going?"_

_"I'm taking a walk."_

_"Okay" said Jinyoung, letting go._

_'Please don't leave me.' He didn't say._

_The next morning, Jinyoung woke up with a heaviness in his heart and on his chest, the latter being due to a heavy arm slung across it, its owner snoring in his ear. Jinyoung knew that snore very well._

_He felt the weight from his heart lifting a little. They'd always been like that, him and Yugyeom. They always found their way back to each other no matter what. He snuggled deeper into the warmth and sneaked his own arm around Yugyeom's waist._

_"Annyeong Hyung..." said Yugyeom giving him a small smile, eyes opening halfway, voice brittle._

_"Hey..." said Jinyoung, chuckling lightly. They both looked at each other for a minute, smiles fading._

_"I'm sorry." said Yugyeom, breaking the silence first._

_"I'm sorry too." said Jinyoung. "But I don't know how I can ever make it up to you. What I said last night...it's unforgivable."_

_"But true." said Yugyeom, looking at him intently._

_"No! It's not! I know your heart, watched you grow up, I don't know what got into me, I'm such a-"_

_"No, Hyung, stop." said, Yugyeom in a tired voice. Jinyoung fell silent again, waiting for Yugyeom to tell him whatever was going through his head. Jinyoung was just happy that Yugyeom was talking to him again._

_"You were right. A part of me, even if it was just a tiny part, was being petty about you hooking up with Jaebeom Hyung." he admitted, looking away. "Because I know, even if you won't say the words yourself, that you love him too. And as long as you held out, I felt like I had-like I had a chance."_

_Yugyeom looked back up into Jinyoung's eyes, his own eyes full of emotion._

_"That if you realized that I was willing to be with you even if you didn't love me back, I could live with that. I'm not like Jaebeom Hyung, I won't be all over you all the time. And I'm not saying he's wrong but that's Jaebeom Hyung, not me. He isn't perfect and neither am I. So I thought, once you saw how compatible we are, you'd think it would be-more convenient-to be with me."_

_Jinyoung felt the heaviness in his heart settle again. No matter how tough Yugyeom liked to act, he was still sensitive in so many ways, still vulnerable. But he didn't say anything, waited for Yugyeom to pour his heart out._

_"But last night, after I left, I had a good long think. About everything. And I realized two things. Things that I've realized for quite a while now but was too proud to admit - I don't think I can love you the way Jaebeom Hyung does, with no strings attached. I still love you, you're my best friend, don't get me wrong, but last night was more about my ego being hurt than my heart. For a long time, I thought I was the only one who could read you, since we're so similar, I thought I was the only chance you had at having a stable relationship."_

_Yugyeom placed a hand on Jinyoung's cheek._

_"But I know now Hyung, that being passive in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean stability. Jaebeom Hyung's woken things in you that wouldn't have been possible if you'd been left to yourself."_

_He smiled at Jinyoung fondly, tucking a stray piece of hair behind his ear._

_"Infact, if it wasn't for him and his stubbornness, the way he gives his all to the people he decides to love, none of us would have found each other. He brought us together Hyung. You; me - a neglected kid whose parents cared more for money and social status than their only son, just like him; Mark Hyung- handsome and rich but avoided by almost everyone because he wouldn't even speak a word if he could help it; Jackson Hyung- so popular yet so naive that some of his "friends" took advantage of him and almost got him jailed with drugs in his dad's car, until Jaebeom Hyung got his own dad to step in. He was just fourteen Hyung, and those bastards were all older, if the police hadn't been on the lookout for them, we could have lost Jackson Hyung as we know him forever; and Bambam - Bam doesn't really talk much about his mom but we can all tell...He found us all - Jaebeom Hyung - a bunch of misfits, glued together by the love of one person. He made us a family, gave us unconditional acceptance. Something each of us craved."_

_Jinyoung wanted to say a million things to Yugyeom then, but as usual, the more emotional he got, the more his brain shut down on him and he couldn't find the words. So he settled for intertwining the fingers of one hand with that of Yugyeom's and hoped he would feel his unspoken words._

_"Promise me one thing Hyung." Yugyeom continued, tears threatening to spill from his eyes now._

_"Even though it's not my place, and you're right, it's not really my business except that I love you both and I don't want to see you hurting each other, please, just promise me you'll try to make it work. That you'll do whatever it takes."_

_Jinyoung knew exactly what Yugyeom was asking of him. He wanted Jinyoung to promise him that Yugyeom stepping back wasn't going to be in vain. He wanted validation, that all his pain was going to be worth it. Seeing Jinyoung happy with Jaebeom was going to be his redemption._

_"I'll try, I promise I'll try." he said._

_"Hyung, don't think I'm asking this of you because there's something wrong with you. I love you just the way you are, with flaws and everything. Even if I get mad at you sometimes, never think for one minute that I'd ever stop loving you as my best friend. Jaebeom Hyung does too, without knowing what I know. But you won't let him, because you don't think you deserve it. You think your life is just for you to provide for your family and that's it. But that's what our parents did to us Hyung. What's the point of money if you don't have time to cherish the people who love you, while they're still with you? Look at your dad, he worked hard too but he knew the importance of family, marrying your mom, having three children, making sure he was physically present for you despite being tired. You ever wonder why we used to hang out at your place so much? Because we saw in your house what we wanted for ourselves, a home."_

_And Jinyoung remembered Jaebeom's words,_

_" We all covet things we don't have Jinyoungie..."_

_"Not money, not luxury, not social status," Yugyeom continued, "But love and family. We're a part of your family now. So if you're going to start this thing with Jaebeom Hyung, you're going to have to treat us the same way you treat your parents and your sisters. Let me help you. Let Jaebeom Hyung in. Allow him to love you the way you deserve to be loved. There's so much good in you that you don't even see Hyung..."_

_Jinyoung was quiet. He knew what Yugyeom was asking of him but he couldn't completely say Yes. No matter what Yugyeom said, somehow, it had become ingrained in him, that romantic love was only for the rich or people who needed their brains fixed._

_When he saw his father lying in the hospital having worked himself to his last capacity, when he saw his mother lying in bed exhausted after a hard day of work, when he saw his sisters wearing the same old clothes they'd been wearing for years until completely worn out, rejecting possible suitors in favor of staying with their parents, he only saw the dispair._

_He didn't see his mother's gentle hands holding his father's, he didn't see his father whispering prayers to God for his devoted wife and his beautiful children, he didn't see his sisters smiling happily whenever they saved up enough to buy their little brother a new book for his birthday. Even if he did see, he didn't let it sink in because it went against everything that was practical. So all he saw was love being smothered by the need to survive in this harsh world._ _Even if he did decide to follow his heart, it wasn't going to be easy to let go of that notion no matter how much he'd grown up since then._

_It would only get worse if his parents found out. They'd think he would get into trouble with Jaebeom's powerful father again and they'd blame themselves. Just like that one time at Jaebeom's house on the night of his 16th birthday (before their confrontation in the school parking lot), when Jaebeom had shouted angrily at his parents for being cold towards Jinyoung throughout the party and refused to let Jinyoung go home until his father had to come pick him up._

_Jinyoung's father had listened to Mr. Lim's tirade about keeping an eye on his son before he messed up his future and then, he had quietly held Jinyoung's hand all the way home. He'd told no one else in the family about what had occurred but rocked Jinyoung to sleep that night, even though Jinyoung's brain hadn't allowed him to cry or show any emotion at the incident. But somehow, his father had known about his pain._

_So, Jinyoung couldn't afford to be selfish. His father kept having more trouble with his heart. He'd just got out of the hospital again. Jinyoung needed to focus on work and school so he could keep helping his parents. He didn't have time for love or relationships._

_What he could give Yugyeom though was a promise to try. He didn't even have to do much to keep Jaebeom happy, he'd always noticed how the barest minimum acknowledgement and the least amount of reciprocation was all it took to get that beautiful smile back on Jaebeom's face._

_As for commitment, he was going to have to wait for that. Jaebeom knew he had priorities and he had never pressured him into anything, taking what he could give and giving hundred times more in return. Sometimes Jinyoung wondered why Jaebeom still stuck around him after all these years, surely he could get anyone he wanted but Jaebeom had chosen him for some reason and he could never understand it. Jaebeom saw things in him, beauty and heart, where Jinyoung thought none existed. So he kept Jaebeom at a distance. Pushing him away when he felt himself giving in because no matter how fanciful Jaebeom was, Jinyoung knew his family would never accept Jinyoung._

_Besides, the way Jaebeom was brought up, he was never going to be able to live without the luxuries he was used to for long. Jinyoung knew it was unfair of him, to always undermine the intensity of Jaebeom's love, to think it would fade away once the harsh realities of life set in, but that's just how his brain worked. He couldn't help it, he was practical to the extreme and he just didn't have time for Jaebeom or his love at the moment._

_It was a mistake, that night was a mistake even if it had made him feel complete for the first time in his life. So, he was going to make sure, that mistake didn't happen again. He just had to be strong and harden his heart. He'd been doing it for years, he could do it again. Nothing had to change._

_"Gyeom, I said I'll try. Now, can we not talk about this for a long, long time? Until you become a noted psychiatrist yourself and I specifically ask you for these free sessions?"_

_Yugyeom let out a heavy breathe and pulled him in even closer. Jinyoung felt the heaviness in his heart dissipating again and he found himself drifting off into the warmth..._

_BANG, BANG!_

_Yugyeom jumped so violently that he fell off the bed with a massive crash._

_"Yah! Park Jinyoung! Kim Yugyeom! Are you both dead? No one's picking up their phone! I swear I'm not leaving today without your pass code!"_

_Jinyoung jumped off the bed and rushed to open the door._

_"YAH-Oh, hey..." said Jaebeom, suddenly shy as he smiled at a sleep ruffled Jinyoung still in his pyjamas. Jaebeom's hand jumped up to scratch at the back of his neck. They hadn't talked since the night before last, when Jinyoung had quietly slipped out of his apartment._

_And just like that, watching Jaebeom ruffle his own hair nervously while he looked at Jinyoung with so much uncertainty in his normally intimidating eyes, Jinyoung realized that yes, he was in love with Lim Jaebeom too. Something he'd been scared to admit to his own heart until this moment._

_As the memories of their night together surged up to seize him in waves, he felt goosebumps all over his body, his hair stood up on end, all his resolve about keeping Jaebeom out crumbling down at the first sight of Jaebeom's beautiful smile and his beautiful heart. Just like their friends always teased Jaebeom for being weak for Jinyoung, that night had changed something within Jinyoung too, Jaebeom had now become his weakness, like a drug, the mere thought of pushing him away permanently felt like a death sentence, and no matter how much his better sense sent alarm signals to his brain, he knew he was never going to be able to let Jaebeom go now._

_Yugyeom was right. A line had been crossed, he couldn't go back. For better or for worse he was in it for the long run. He couldn't let Jaebeom in but he couldn't push him away either. They were balanced on the edge more precariously than ever._

_"Umm, you okay?" Jaebeom asked, looking a bit scared when Jinyoung did nothing but stare at him for a whole minute. Jinyoung shook himself internally and tried to appear normal._

_"Why are you shouting? I had a late night okay, let me sleep!" he said, turning around grumpily to let him in._

_'No I'm not okay, because I love you too and I'm scared to death because I can't give you the life you deserve.' He didn't say._

_"Why is Yugyeom on the floor?" asked Jaebeom, incredulously._

_"Cuz he's a toe rag! I don't know, ask him!" said Jinyoung as he flopped face down on his bed. To his relief, Jaebeom just chuckled._

_Yugyeom, who had stayed frozen on the floor throughout their conversation, finally seemed to come to his senses and get up to sit down on his own bed._

_"Hyung, can you not act like an angry rhino trying to knock down the door everytime you come over?" he said, rubbing his eyes._

_"Ah Yugyeomie, don't be mad, I missed you so much, I just had to see you!" said Jaebeom, grabbing Yugyeom and trying to plant a kiss on his forehead while winking at Jinyoung meaningfully._

_"Yah, Hyung! I'm not a kid anymore! It's not even my birthday!" Yugyeom said, trying to push him off but only half heartedly._

_"So what? Can't Hyung give his favorite dongsaeng a little kiss?" said Jaebeom, still grappling with Yugyeom, a snicker on his face._

_"Let him go Hyung. Can't sleep because of all his whining anyway." said Jinyoung, rolling his eyes and turning his head towards the wall still lying on his stomach._

_"Oooo, is Jinyoungie jealous? How adorable! Let me just-" the next moment, Jinyoung felt a heavy weight drop down on his lower back as Jaebeom straddled him and bent down to lay kisses from his ear down to his neck._

_"Hyung!" said Jinyoung, trying to wiggle out from underneath him._

_"Wae~? Is little Nyoungie sensitive here?" sang Jaebeom, continuing his assault._

_"Aish! Jinjja!!"_

_Jinyoung struggled to get up even as helpless laughter escaped from his own traitor mouth when Jaebeom started to tickle him._

_But a part of Jinyoung was still worried that it might be a bit too much for Yugyeom. They'd just decided to make a fresh start, he didn't want to ruin it before it even began._

_But as he turned his head to sneak a glance, he realized he shouldn't have worried so much. He saw Yugyeom, beaming with a mixture of pride and resolve in his eyes as he jumped in to help Jaebeom tickle Jinyoung off the bed. He wasn't going to be okay for a while, but he was going to try, just like Jinyoung._

"We need to stop for gas soon. You guys can get out, stretch your legs." said Jaebeom, bringing Jinyoung back to the present. 

They pulled into a gas station that was half way en route to the cabin. Mark's car followed and they all got out. Mark and Jaebeom went off to find the owner, the rest of them splitting up to find food and toilets. 

"You alright?" Jackson asked Jinyoung quietly, once they were safely situated inside the little convenience store, filling up on snacks and water bottles. 

"Yeah. I think so." said Jinyoung, immediately moving towards the Homerun balls and picking up seven packets, one for each day. 

"That was weird though..." Jackson continued after a while. 

"What was weird?" 

"Youngjae asking you to ride with them." 

"Why? We're friends, he probably wanted to get to know me more."

"Still. It hasn't been too long since you and Jaebeom...He's either too nice or a bit of a masochist."

"I'm leaning towards the former." said Jinyoung firmly. "He's been nothing but kind. Especially to me."

"But why?"

"Why not? You guys keep telling me I underestimate my own likeability. And now you're telling me that it's not possible that Youngjae likes me?" 

"I didn't say it's not possible. I just meant that it's not probable. Think about it."

"I thought the whole point of this trip was so I 'wouldn't think too much about things and just live'. Isn't that what you said?" 

"You remembered, word for word? I'm touched." said Jackson in mock wonder, clutching his heart. "I'm not saying he can't be genuinely nice or that he can't genuinely like you. I'm just saying, don't let your guard down."

"My therapist said I should trust people more."

"People you know. Like me, your best friend." said Jackson placing more packets of Homerun balls in Jinyoung's basket. 

"I don't need that many" said Jinyoung, putting the extra packets back on their shelf. "And how am I gonna know Youngjae without letting him in? Jaebeom Hyung trusts him. Should be good enough for us all, considering he's been a pretty good judge of people before." he said, looking Jackson in the eye pointedly. 

Jackson didn't say anything but Jinyoung could tell that he got the message. 

"You're gonna need them, trust me. Jaebeom Hyung practically lives on them. He'll start stealing yours soon enough." said Jackson, putting the extra packets back into his basket. 

"He doesn't like Homerun balls that much."

"He does now."

Jinyoung didn't need to ask Jackson what Youngjae's favorite snack was. Between Jaebeom's new found love for coffee and now Homerun balls, it was pretty obvious. 

They payed for their snacks and moved back towards the cars. Everyone else was scattered. Mark and Bambam seemed to be watching a funny video. Yugyeom was taking pictures of the mountains surrounding them and Jaebeom and Youngjae were nowhere to be found.

"Got everything?" Yugyeom asked, eyeing their bulging bags. 

"Yup." said Jackson. 

"Choco shake?" Yugyeom asked, raising an eyebrow. 

"I'll be right back." said Jackson, turning back towards the store. 

"Wait! I got it, a whole pack." said Jinyoung, holding up Yugyeom's favorite brand. 

"Well that's great then. All set?" Jackson called out to Mark, escaping quickly towards his car. 

Yugyeom was still eyeing Jinyoung, his face torn between emotions Jinyoung couldn't really comprehend. Was that tenderness in Yugyeom's glistening eyes, a playful twitch at the corner of his mouth? Jinyoung wasn't completely sure. He'd never had trouble with it before. They used to be able to read each other without words but now the distance between them had clearly taken a toll. So he held up the pack of choco shakes awkwardly. Yugyeom took it from him without a word and turned back towards their car. Jinyoung felt his shoulders slump in defeat. 

"I'm sitting in the back too. You don't get to hog all the comfortable seats everytime." Yugyeom called out as he left the the back door open for Jinyoung to climb in beside him. 

Jinyoung's heart soared to the highest summit of his being as he smiled and followed. 

They'd always been like that, him and Yugyeom. They always found their way back to each other. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung realizes that moving on isn't as easy as it seems. Does Jaebeom feel it too?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your patience guys. I don't want to put out anything but my best for you to enjoy. I hope you guys like this.  
> Editing takes me longer than anticipated. I've written the final chapter already but I keep changing the structure and rewriting whole paragraphs. I have zero experience with professional writing so it will take me a while to learn how to organize my plots. Maybe I should have taken a course in college to help me but I got stuck with being a science student😂. 
> 
> PS: You all must have read the news about the virus. Stay safe please. Take precautions and avoid panic.  
> I've read all the comments even if I didn't have time to reply and I can't stress enough how much your continuous love, support and respect for my writing means to me. Thank you, thank you so much!  
> 💚💚💚

* * *

Yugyeom was snoring again. Jinyoung didn't mind, he smiled contentedly as he sat with his chin on the car window, one arm hanging out, tapping a rhythm on the door in time to the music playing on the stereo.

Jaebeom and Youngjae still hadn't come back. Jinyoung wondered what they were doing, they'd already bought the snacks and filled up on gas. Maybe they needed other supplies? Maybe Jaebeom wanted to visit the toilet again? He'd always had low self control in almost everything. Jinyoung chuckled to himself at the sudden memory of Jaebeom jumping up and down with both hands on Jinyoung's shoulders singing a spontaneously composed English song about being "as hungry as a bunny" while Jinyoung flipped badly made pancakes on the frying pan.

Then there was the memory of Jaebeom always wanting to pee in the middle of making out too,

"Wait, Nyoung, I gotta go."

"What? Again?" Jinyoung had finally asked.

"What can I say, you're so pretty you make me go weak in the bladder."

"People say knees."

"They lie."

" _Normal_ people say knees Hyung."

"Well I'm sorry I'm so abnormal that my horniness and my bladder have the same outlet. You know it's difficult to pee with a hard on. Now if you'll excuse me."

Jaebeom had snapped and left for the bathroom in a huff.  
Jinyoung had spent an extra fifteen minutes apologizing and trying to get him to come out, which was made more difficult by the fact that he'd been unable to control his laughter the whole time. Ofcourse he'd been punished later in bed. Jinyoung couldn't really blame Jaebeom, considering he'd still been chuckling in between gasps as Jaebeom thrust deeper inside him with an exasperated pout.

Jinyoung looked at his watch again. It had been over twenty minutes since they'd been sitting in the car, but there was still no sign of Jaebeom and Youngjae.

The others didn't seem to be too bothered, as was evident by Yugyeom's unconscious state beside him. Jinyoung craned his neck out of the window to look at the other car, his head now hanging out along with his arm and saw Jackson and Bambam arguing about something, while Mark seemed to be sleeping in the driver's seat, his snapback pulled low on his face. It looked serious, but Jinyoung knew better than to get in between Bambam and Jackson when they were fighting.

Besides, as long as Mark stayed calm, everything was fine. Jinyoung couldn't help smiling again. How he wished he could join them in the other car, despite the bantering.

But no matter how he felt, he wouldn't run away. Youngjae had asked him to ride with them and he would see it through. He would show Jaebeom how unaffected he was. They needed to bring some semblance of normalcy back between them.

If Jaebeom could do it, so could Jinyoung. He could show a strong front and face everything they threw at him. Maybe they were making out that very moment. Maybe they were even having quick, fumbled sex in one of the toilet cubicles, Jinyoung thought bitterly. He knew Jaebeom enough to believe anything possible. This was kind of a honeymoon for them anyway. They'd only been going out for a few months and from what Jinyoung had gathered, Youngjae had pretty much moved in with Jaebeom the same week they'd met. Jinyoung had been surprised when Mark had accidentally let it slip during one of their group chat sessions.

Knowing Mark though, it might not have been an accident afterall. Mark wasn't one to hide stuff, he was a big believer in honesty and transparency, blunt and straightforward almost to a fault. Nothing could make him talk if he was specifically asked to keep a secret but he wasn't afraid to say things the way they were otherwise. A quality that Jinyoung admired the most, even if it hurt sometimes. Apparently, Youngjae and Jaebeom moving in hadn't been a secret anyway, because no one seemed to be as surprised as Jinyoung. Or if they were, none of them let it on. It was quite possible, (and understandable) that he was the only one who didn't know at that point. Besides, who would have thought they'd move in so soon? That was fast, way too fast for anyone.

But then, who was Jinyoung to judge anyway? He'd been with Jaebeom for years, years before they finally got engaged and moved in together, and that had lasted only for a year. Maybe that's what the problem was. They took so long to come together that their time of happiness was already up, and the sudden realization that there would be no honeymoon phase before the routine set in, hit them out of nowhere. A direct jump towards all the problems that a long term relationship brings with it, exacerbated by the fact that they now had to face these problems 24×7 with no seperate space to breathe and reflect.

Who even made the rules? Who said moving fast in a relationship was bad? Every relationship, every person was different. What didn't work for one does not necessarily spell doom for another. Didn't Jinyoung and Youngjae become fast friends too? Over their shared habits, shared ambition and a similar background from what Youngjae had described to him about growing up in a small neighborhood in Mokpo - the youngest of four siblings, orphaned at a young age and brought up by their grandparents.  
But despite their similarities, Youngjae was very different - he was vocal and he was expressive and he wasn't afraid to talk about uncomfortable topics.

From what Jinyoung had observed during the little time they spent in their apartment, Youngjae was like therapy, his laughter could light up a whole room. This part of his personality reminded Jinyoung more of Jaebeom. They both wore their hearts on their sleeves. Maybe that's why it had been so easy to let Youngjae in to their little circle of friends. Like they'd known him for years. Like he belonged there with them.  
With Youngjae you could tell exactly what he was thinking even if he didn't say it. Even if it confused Jinyoung sometimes, Jaebeom seemed to understand everything Youngjae said or didn't say. Just like he'd been used to reading Jinyoung...

But where had that gotten them? Jaebeom had become tired of having to interpret Jinyoung's non-verbal, expressionless feelings after ten years of being stuck in a limbo.

"Sometimes people want to _feel_ they're loved instead of just hearing the words." Jinyoung's therapist had said.

Maybe Youngjae tells Jaebeom he loves him everyday, without words and without Jaebeom having to say it first. Maybe Youngjae gives Jaebeom enough time. Maybe they sneak quickies in Jaebeom's office during work hours too, just so Jaebeom knows he has someone who thinks about him all the time. Maybe Youngjae asked Jinyoung to ride with them so he could show Jaebeom what he wasn't missing...

Damn Jackson, for putting these thoughts into his mind! If he hadn't questioned Youngjae's intentions in the first place, Jinyoung wouldn't even be thinking about it.

But was it so wrong to think about it? Just like Jackson cared for Jinyoung, shouldn't Jinyoung care for Jaebeom? Shouldn't he make sure Youngjae had only the best of intentions for Jinyoung's oldest and closest friend?

Was he though? "A friend"?

Ofcourse he was. Jaebeom held too important a place in his life to be reduced to just an ex. He wasn't just a fling, he was the represention of almost half of Jinyoung's life on this earth. The best half.

So why had Jaebeom left him? Jinyoung knew he'd been testing Jaebeom's patience, his love, since the beginning. But if Jaebeom had just held on for a little longer, just been a little more patient, Jinyoung would have...what?

Would he have even realized they had drifted apart if Jaebeom hadn't walked out? Even if he had, would it have been the same? Jaebeom had never worried about timing and consequences when it came to Jinyoung. Hell, he'd proposed to Jinyoung even when Jaebeom's father had disowned him infront of their entire family at a dinner, just for mentioning it. Jinyoung had been so envious. His own family had accepted their engagement like they'd expected it all along. His parents had hesitated, his sisters had asked them if they knew what they were doing, but they had put up no strong opposition. Jinyoung didn't have to fight for anything. Jaebeom had handled them with all the patience and love he didn't have for his own parents. Jinyoung's parents had even supported him as Jaebeom went for auditions with his self-produced tracks and worked odd jobs to pay his half of the rent.

Why was it so easy for Jaebeom to just go for everything he wanted, to have absolutely no sense of self preservation when it came to the people he loved, no thought for consequences, no thought for his own discomfort? The only selfish thing Jinyoung had ever known Jaebeom do was walk out on him. And Jinyoung still couldn't blame him for that entirely. Jinyoung had tried to pay him back in the only way he knew, working harder to try and give Jaebeom the life he'd given up to be with Jinyoung. By the time Jinyoung realized that Jaebeom had never wanted it back in the first place, he'd pushed Jaebeom too far away.

As his thoughts turned darker, Jinyoung couldn't help analyzing the past eleven years. Why couldn't he have payed more attention? Jaebeom had been just as busy as Jinyoung, yet he had made time, was thoughtful, considerate, kept their relationship alive for so long, fought for them, rebuffed his parents' attempts at reconciliation again and again until they'd been forced to accept Jinyoung and agreed to officially meet him and his parents for dinner as his future in-laws. And Jinyoung forgot to show up for that too. He hadn't made an excuse, hadn't been stopped on the way. He'd simply been so busy with work that he forgot. His own parents showed up but Jinyoung forgot. Jaebeom had handled the whole thing, making his excuses while sending Jinyoung texts after texts under the table, that had all gone unseen.

Later when Jinyoung had rushed home to find Jaebeom pacing in their tiny living room with a partially packed duffel bag flung down on the floor, they'd fought. To the point that Jinyoung had accused him of over-reacting, of taking Jinyoung's job for granted and Jaebeom had picked up his bag to walk out immediately. But when Jinyoung hadn't moved an inch to try and stop him, standing with his hands hidden in his pockets, his face blank of any emotion, Jaebeom had slumped down on the couch in defeat. Jinyoung had simply walked over to him to lay his hands on his thighs and said with practiced calm,

"Babe, you know I love you right?"

Jaebeom had apologized for not being supportive enough and pulled him into an embrace then. He'd sobbed the whole time they'd made love and gone back to his cheerful and normal self the very next morning as he made breakfast.

Perhaps Jinyoung's acting skills had rubbed off on Jaebeom because Jinyoung had failed to recognize the calm before the storm. They'd stopped fighting and that was enough for now. He'd planned to make it up to Jaebeom once they were more financially stable. When he could breathe again.

Until Jinyoung had taken responsibility for the new project at work that had given him so much after its success but caused him to lose everything he loved in return. He had cancelled on Bambam's first independent show and then his own anniversary dinner after a string of missed moments - of Jaebeom taking out time to be with him and Jinyoung canceling at the last minute, of Jaebeom calling Jinyoung during office hours only for it to go straight to voice mail, of Jaebeom coming home late from work tired and still getting up early in the morning just so he could kiss Jinyoung goodbye but Jinyoung being too distracted to do more than reciprocate half heartedly in the middle of scrolling through his e-mail and rushing out to work, of Jaebeom blowing up at Jinyoung about them drifting apart, of Jinyoung defending himself and accusing Jaebeom of being selfish, of Jaebeom apologizing, of Jinyoung making new resolutions to make it up to Jaebeom when the time came- all those nails in the coffin of their doomed relationship.

What wouldn't he give to have even a bit of that passion back. Maybe that's why he had loved Jaebeom so much. Jaebeom was the epitome of everything Jinyoung wanted to have in his life, even if he couldn't be those things himself. Jaebeom was the Yin to his Yang. That's why they were so perfect together. Until they weren't.

Then there was Yugyeom. He seemed to be coming around but they weren't completely okay yet. Jinyoung turned to look at him, still asleep, and huffed in frustration. Wasn't it about time Yugyeom let go of whatever resentment he held? Jinyoung needed his best friend back, his earlier contentment all but flushed out of his body. An empty mind was not Jinyoung's best friend. That's why he took so little days off. He was getting bored of all the waiting too.

So he did exactly what a twenty four year old grown man is expected to do in such a situation, he collected the condensation from around Yugyeom's abandoned can of choco shake on his pinky finger and stuck it right into Yugyeom's ear. Yugyeom woke up with a yelp.

"What the fuck?!"

"I'm bored."

"So? Watch a movie, play a game!"

"This is more entertaining."

"Torturing me?"

"Yup." said Jinyoung and tried to thrust his finger back into Yugyeom's ear.

"Hyung! Stop!"

"Or what?"

Yugyeom narrowed his eyes in warning but Jinyoung just raised his eyebrows innocently as he thrust his pinky back at Yugyeom again.

"Oh it's on now!" said Yugyeom in English, diving and tackling Jinyoung.

Before he knew it, Jinyoung was a laughing, writhing mess as Yugyeom pinned him down across the seat and tickled him.

"Gyeom, stop, stop you cheater! I can't breathe!"

"You asked for it!" said Yugyeom laughing, but he finally stopped.They gasped for air just as Jinyoung heard both front doors being opened together.

"Can't leave you kids alone for even a few minutes can we?" said Youngjae chuckling.

He didn't seem to pay any mind to Yugyeom bent over Jinyoung with both hands on his waist while Jinyoung lay frozen on the back seat, one foot poking out of the open window behind Yugyeom and the other shoeless, resting on Yugyeom's chest, where he'd been in the middle of pushing him away.

The implication of Youngjae's words seemed to hit them both at the same time because they quickly straightened themselves up and Jinyoung's eyes snapped towards Jaebeom, who was getting into his seat with absolutely no expression on his face. Not even the forced indifference he'd showed earlier. Jinyoung felt relieved that Jaebeom didn't seem to mind, but he couldn't help the pang in his heart either.

"Kids, put your seat belts on." was all Jaebeom said, as he turned on the engine and they began pulling out of the station.  
They spent the rest of the car ride in silence. The only sound being Youngjae humming serenely to the music and Jaebeom calling Mark to tell him where to make the final turn to the cabin.

Yugyeom hadn't looked at Jinyoung once. Jinyoung couldn't blame him. What Youngjae had said might have meant nothing more than normal teasing for him, but for Yugyeom and Jinyoung, it hit somewhere personal.

Jinyoung couldn't help feeling a bit of resentment towards Youngjae. They'd been making such good progress, him and Yugyeom, him and Jaebeom, him and Youngjae. But somehow, this one car ride had managed to bring in all the awkwardness that Jinyoung had been worried about in the first place. It was hard not to blame Youngjae, considering it had been his brilliant idea to push them all together. It was too soon. Too soon.

As they pulled into the gravel path leading up to the cabin, Jinyoung let out an audible sigh. The cabin was as imposing and magnificent and beautiful as Jinyoung remembered, the word "Cabin" being just a formality, a promotional gimmick. It was really a large two storeyed house made up of six rooms with attached bathrooms complete with an indoor jacuzzi, an open plan kitchen with an island and a well stocked larder, a fireplace in the living room surrounded by plush arm chairs and recliners.

Jinyoung felt a mixture of envy and pride over Bambam for having sorted out his life so early. He'd fought his over-protective dad, refused to borrow even a single penny and dropped out of college to start his career in fashion early, starting right from the bottom. He'd worked hard for a year assisting obscure designers, knocking the doors of lesser-known studios with a portfolio of his sketches until one of them had let him in. He'd struck gold almost overnight. Labeled a prodigy, getting offers from some of the biggest international brands to intern for them.

None of their friends had been surprised. Bambam was not only extremely talented, he was passionate and intelligent with a genius level acumen in business and self-marketing. And he was good with people, if he wanted something or someone on his side, there was no stopping him. Jinyoung knew that all too well. He couldn't even imagine the amount of contacts Bambam had pulled to rent the place last time.

This time they'd all insisted on splitting the bill between the seven of them though. And the place was completely worth it. It's modern amenities hidden behind faux wooden paneling and ivy running all around the outside walls, it's boundaries surrounded by forest on both sides while the back of it looked out over the mountains as far as the eye could go.

But more than that, it was a reminder of all the beautiful memories that now brought nothing but an increase in the constant ache in Jinyoung's chest. This time last year, Jaebeom had told him he never wanted to leave. Now Jinyoung wished they never had. This time last year, he'd been happy, he'd been content, he'd been with Jaebeom. They'd spent the mornings exploring the forest around them, the evenings playing weird drinking games, reading by the fireside or being scolded by their friends who accused them of having sex on almost every surface in the house, the nights they'd built up a fire outside and sat around drinking coffee or beer. And the most precious memory of all, the most beautiful and the most painful - the night Jaebeom had proposed.

"Tired?" asked Jaebeom quietly, almost inaudibly.  
Jinyoung's eyes snapped towards him, a fleeting moment of hope surfacing despite himself, but then he saw Jaebeom glance at Youngjae and Youngjae responded by putting his hand over Jaebeom's.  
"Yeah, but I can't wait to check out the place." he said.  
"It's beautiful." said Jaebeom, but he didn't sound as enthusiastic as Youngjae. Jinyoung couldn't blame him. Their friends didn't know but the cabin was a reminder of the beginning of the end of their relationship. Jinyoung still couldn't understand why either of them had agreed to come back here. Maybe they thought they could get closure after having seemingly moved on. Maybe it was too painful to explain to their friends. No one knew of that night after all. Jaebeom was probably regretting it as much as Jinyoung now. But atleast he had Youngjae to replace his old memories with new, more hopeful ones.

Jinyoung had nothing and no one.

The moment the car stopped near the front steps, Yugyeom jumped out. He was already arms deep in the boot taking out all their luggage by the time Jinyoung joined him with his forgotten pack of canned choco shake.

"Here." he said holding it out to Yugyeom.

"Thanks." said Yugyeom as he shouldered both their bags on one arm and held the pack in the other hand.

"Let me..." Jinyoung started, holding his arm out for his bag.

But Yugyeom was already moving towards the house without a second glance, closely followed by Bambam dragging his own bedazzled suitcase behind him. Jinyoung sighed again but with a smile this time. Apparently, Yugyeom still hadn't gotten over his old habit of acting the Hyung when it came to Jinyoung. He shut the door and waited for Jackson and Mark to catch up to him with their own luggage. He'd seen Youngjae drag Jaebeom excitedly around to the back of the house, probably eager to begin their sightseeing already.

Mark put an arm around Jinyoung as soon as he reached him.

"Okay?" he asked, his eyes boring into Jinyoung's as they moved towards the house.

This time, Jinyoung couldn't bring himself to say the words as easily as he'd done with Jackson back at the gas station. Maybe because it was Mark and it was so impossible to lie to him.

"I think I will be." he said after a moment.

"I think you will be too." said Jackson as he put an arm around Mark and the three of them entered the house together.

Meanwhile, Yugyeom and Bambam were having a row in one of the rooms furthest from the entrance. Bambam had seen the stiffness between Jinyoung and Yugyeom as they got out of the car and he'd followed Yugyeom all the way in until he'd dumped his luggage and turned around to face Bambam with defiance. 

"He doesn't owe you anything Yugyeom!" said Bambam. 

"I know. But I saw what he did to Jaebeom Hyung. What he's still doing to him. I can't forgive him."

"It's not for you to forgive!"

"Jaebeom Hyung's my best friend! You can't expect me to forgive someone who hurt him so bad! I saw what he did to him and I warned him-"

Yugyeom suddenly stopped talking.

"Warned him?" Bambam asked, eyebrow raised.

"I just, I told him not to break his heart."

"So you knew he was going to? Why?"

"I just. It was a gut feeling."

Bambam was seething. Yugyeom was similar to Jinyoung in so many ways and it was infuriating to have to try and get through both of their stubbornness. Bambam had always considered them sharing a dorm together a very bad idea, they were clearly a bad influence on each other. Just like Jinyoung, if Yugyeom didn't want to share anything he shut down completely and no amount of coaxing could make him open up.

Unless you were Bambam.

"Kim Yugyeom, you better spit out what you know or I will go to JayB Hyung right this moment and tell him you broke off your friendship with Jinyoung Hyung because of him."

"You wouldn't."

"You know my curiosity is much more powerful than my love for any of you. Jackson will back me up. Just imagine the delicious mess it would create even if you tried to deny it. Now spill."

Yugyeom looked at him for a minute, probably considering if Bambam's threat was legitimate. Bambam stared right back. If there was one thing his friends never wanted to risk, it was his determination to get what he wanted.

"I suspected that Jinyoung Hyung had...issues, back in college."

Yugyeom began with a sigh.

"I told him it wasn't that unusual, that he should let me help him before he got any further with Jaebeom Hyung, it's a personality trai-"

"I know."

"You know?"

"Yup, so does Jackson. And now Mark too."

"Mark Hyung too? How?"

"Jackson slipped up, when we were waiting for JayB Hyung and Youngjae at the gas station. But let's face it, he can never keep anything from Mark anyway. Mark didn't even look surprised, he just went back to sleep while Jackson and I fought all the way over..."

"No, I meant how did you find out in the first place?"

"Long story."

"Please don't tell me then. I don't think I wanna know anymore. Does Jinyoung hyung know you know?"

"Yep. Not about Mark though. Which reminds me, I gotta give him a heads up, he was planning to come clean to Mark anyway. Better sooner than later I always say..."

"And he's okay with you knowing?"

"Yep."

"Why?" asked Yugyeom, looking extremely perplexed.

"Cuz his therapist told him it might help."

"His therapist?"

"Yup. He's been doing therapy for months now."

Yugyeom was quiet.

"Is this why you were mad at him Gyeom? Because he didn't take it seriously when you told him to?" Bambam asked gently.

"I guess...among other things."

  
Bambam sighed heavily.

"Come here." he said, holding out an arm.

"Fuck off."

"Come here Kim Yugyeom before I start screaming and gathering everyone."

"God will you ever stop threatening me?! You're crazy!" Said Yugyeom even as he sat down next to Bambam and let him put his head on his chest.

Bambam was quiet, letting Yugyeom calm down for a bit. Yugyeom couldn't deny that he felt comforted, having Bambam's warm hands enclosing him, for once reminding him that he was the youngest.

"There's really nothing for you to be mad about anymore is there?" Bambam asked after a while.

"Jinyoung Hyung's my best friend Bam, I love him. But he almost starved himself to death because he wouldn't let me help him in time. Because he still thinks his family, his best friends, his own fiancé cared more about what he could give them than what he was. And he thinks it's fucking normal. Like he owes it to us. As if it's some kind of atonement for not being born rich enough. God, I wanted to hit him so bad, almost as much as I wanted to hug him when I saw him after so long last night, maybe even more!"

Bambam chuckled.

"Allow him to make his own mistakes Gyeom. He's only human, just like you and I. Things are never so easy. Maybe this was a good thing, their breakup. Maybe the love of his life leaving him is what he needed, what they both needed for them to realize their priorities. JayB Hyung needed to learn too, to not smother someone with his love so much that the other person forgets how to love themselves without a crutch. That's all sorts of messed up too, to make someone so dependent on your love that they can't function without you, and then leave them when they don't grow up fast enough. JayB Hyung loved him, but he was also the reason Jinyoung Hyung was going back to his old habits, shutting people out and immersing himself in work. All those years JayB Hyung spent bringing him out of his shell, only to have him jump back in...but this time it wasn't just for his parents and sisters, this time JayB Hyung was added into the mix of people he felt he had to work for. Ever since they met, they've never been apart, not even when they were fighting. Even if they weren't talking to each other, JayB Hyung would never leave him alone until they made up. But sometimes - dunno, you're the one studying to be a shrink - but sometimes I do think that space is needed for people to learn more about themselves. Shutting us out may not have been the best idea but it's what he needed. What they both needed. And I guess, subconsciously, JayB Hyung knew that too, so he left. Even though it nearly killed them both. You know what he was like until he met Youngjae Hyung. It took him longer to pick himself up, and I'm not sure he's there yet. Either of them actually."

Yugyeom was quiet but Bambam knew his brain was working, could almost hear the cogs turning. So, he continued,

"By the way, do you really think we would have let Jinyoung Hyung starve? Jackson was there, he told me JayB Hyung used to constantly tell him to go check on Jinyoung Hyung too. That's why he left his keys with Jackson even after you guys were done moving his stuff out, until he was sure Jinyoung Hyung was going to be okay. Then there was Mark, even if Jinyoung Hyung didn't let him in, he tried. Until we convinced him to take a break and spend his time with Suzy Noona. You may be the one who can read Jinyoung Hyung best but give us some credit, we know him too. We know them both. JayB Hyung had everything he wanted, except for love, a sense of belonging and he gave up everything to be with Jinyoung Hyung without realizing the kind of pressure he was putting on their relationship. Jinyoung Hyung too had gotten some misplaced notion in his head, that he didn't deserve love unless he gave JayB Hyung the same life he used to have with his parents, before he got disowned."

Bambam sighed.

"You know exactly how his brain works, but you still have a lot to learn on how to handle him Gyeomie. That's why he didn't tell you. You're gonna be a good shrink one day, but when it comes to your family, Jinyoung Hyung especially, your judgement is clouded. Now do you understand? Or do I have to sit on your back until you're screaming like a banshee?" said Bambam, giving Yugyeom a jerk.

Yugyeom got up wordlessly and started pacing around the room looking at the ceiling. Bambam let him work it out. He knew Yugyeom would get there eventually. So he leaned back on his hands and watched Yugyeom do some complicated dance moves in between his pacing.

Bambam rolled his eyes. To an outsider, it would seem like Yugyeom had finally lost his marbles. But that was just Yugyeom, whenever in stress he immediately turned to dancing, no need for music. He used to compete in school competitions all the time and Bambam was pretty sure most of those dances had been choreographed during long spells of stress and epiphanies.

Finally Yugyeom turned back to him.

"You're right. I've been selfish again."

"Again? When was the last time? When you offered to help him?"

"Yeah..."

"Gyeom, is there something else I should know? About you and Jinyoung Hyung? I probably already have a clue..."

"Nope."

"Fine. But there 'is' something."

"Your words, not mine."

"So, you won't tell me." said Bambam, firmly.

Yugyeom just gave him a tight smile.

Bambam looked at him in quiet contemplation for a while.

"Fair enough. But you know I wouldn't tell JayB Hyung right?"

Yugyeom froze.

"About you being mad at Jinyoung Hyung because of him." said Bambam smiling placidly.

"Why are you looking at me like that? Did I say something?" he added, giving Yugyeom a pointed look.

Yugyeom just swallowed and rolled his eyes. Bambam might not know exactly what Yugyeom wasn't telling him but he knew there was something to tell. Unfortunately, Bambam also had a very long nose, especially when it came to Kim Yugyeom's business. They were not best friends for nothing. And he was done with almost losing his friends permanently to secrets. He would dig it out of Yugyeom sooner or later. He had an inkling anyway.

"I guess I should have known you wouldn't tell Jaebeom hyung" said Yugyeom finally, with a groan.

"Yet you took the bait. When will you learn Gyeom? You're so smart when it comes to practical things but so dumb when it comes to relationships."

"Fuck you."

"I love you too." Bambam chuckled. "You're my little brother Yugyeom even if we're only months apart and you're taller - a fact you never stop parading around. But you think everyone's burden is yours to shoulder, when it's not. And even if I take advantage of your blind faith in my craziness, I'm going to keep looking out for you. And right now, I need you to go apologize to Jinyoung Hyung and stop this fight once and for all."

"Fuck you." said Yugyeom again before pulling Bambam into a hug this time.

"Ammonim?"

"Jaebeommah...I can't hear you well.."

Jaebeom moved out towards the balcony.

"Can you hear me now?"

"What?" 

"Ammonim? Can you hear me now?"

"Yes, yes, I can hear you...did you reach alright?" 

"Yes Ammonim, just an hour ago."

"Did you eat the food I sent you?"

"We didn't have time to unpack yet. I'll do that soon."

"How is...?"

"Youngjae?"

"Yes. How is Youngjae."

"He's good."

"You both must be tired."

"Yes, kind of. But I'm glad you called. The reception isn't very good here. How's Abonim?"

"He's good as far as I know."

Jaebeom chuckled.

"Is he still mad at you for inviting me for Chuseok?"

"As if he can afford to. Besides, you didn't even come. He's such a child. All he does is pout and refuse to tell me when he's feeling sick. Calls up Nyoungie instead so then _he_ can call and tell me off."

"Sounds like someone we both know."

"Who? Junior?"

"Don't let him hear you say that word!"

"I'm his mother, I gave birth to him, I can call him any damn curse word I want."

Jaebeom couldn't help it, he burst into a hearty guffaw.

"Seriously Ammonim, I miss you."

"Our house is always open to you Beommah you know that. You are as much a son to me as Jinyoung."

"Your husband doesn't like it though."

"Well he's going to have to live with that if he wants his dinner."

"Ooo, scandalous. See, I've always told you Noona, leave that old man and his prat of a son and marry me. But you just won't."

Jinyoung's mother chuckled.

"Don't call me Noona. It's been ten years and yet you are still the same. Remind me why we still love you?"

"Eleven. And you and your daughters do. Not the men in your family."

"You are our family too Beommah. You're as dear to me as if you were born from my own womb. You were always there for us when we needed you. I'll never forget that."

Jinyoung's mother paused, seeming to collect herself before she continued, 

"I don't know what happened between you and my son but I know that you have a good heart between the two of you. I love you both the same, no matter what."

"Just admit it. You love me more."

Even though Jaebeom laughed along with Jinyoung's mother, he couldn't help the rapid sinking of his heart. Her words seemed to have opened a floodgate of emotions inside his heart. He'd been barely holding on by a thread ever since he first laid eyes on Jinyoung the previous night, but Jinyoung's mother was reminding him of all the reasons why Jinyoung would always be a huge part of his life, one of the most important parts infact, one he couldn't just cut out no matter how much it hurt to shoulder that baggage along with trying to start afresh. He had the assurity of Youngjae but the uncertainty that Jinyoung always brought with him would forever be his lot.

Jinyoung's mother had been the one to finally give him the courage to pick up his life again. She hadn't been pleased about Youngjae but she had understood his need for support. Even forgiving him enough to ask about Youngjae. What she'd heard seemed to have satisfied her as she began speaking of him with more warmth. Some reservation was bound to exist out of loyalty to her own son, but she had called Jaebeom her son too and never gone back on her word in the decade she'd known him. She'd been his biggest support in convincing Jinyoung's father about their engagement too. He'd tried hard to make it work with Jinyoung, not just for their own sake but also for the faith his parents had in him. Until it had been too much for one person to handle. He'd hurt Jinyoung, he wasn't selfish enough to think Jinyoung hadn't been affected at all, but he had almost killed himself in the process of trying to hold on to something that didn't seem to exist anymore. Their love. 

Leaving Jinyoung had been the hardest decision of his life, but there was nothing left for them to talk about anymore. Not when neither of them could bring themselves to even be in the same room. The words they'd thrown at each other had left wounds too deep. And once they began living together, there was no escape, no space to step back and reflect. Jaebeom had left and Jinyoung had given no indication that he wanted him to stay.

Neither of them had contacted the other, nor had they tried for closure. Simply moving on with their seperate lives and trying to forget what had been or what could have been. Jaebeom felt like he had tied a noose around Jinyoung's neck instead of putting a ring on his finger. He had killed Jinyoung's love for him by coming on too strong and forced him to find escape in his work. Jinyoung had always been good at hiding his feelings and Jaebeom had always prided himself in being able to read him.

Why had he not realized then, that Jinyoung had accepted his proposal only out of habit, giving in to Jaebeom's stubbornness, his sense of entitlement, like always? Why else would Jinyoung not want to come home to him anymore? Why else would he prefer the company of prickly, old men in business suits than his own fiancé who waited up for him every night? Why else did Jinyoung seem a little too happy about Jaebeom being busy with his album? Why else did Jinyoung not show up to dinner when their parents wanted to talk about their future? Why else did Jinyoung never tell him he loved him unless they fought? Perhaps Jinyoung had never loved him at all. Jaebeom had somehow forced Jinyoung into a relationship he had never wanted in the first place. Jinyoung's mother had refused to accept that when Jaebeom had voiced his conclusions to her, but somehow, Jaebeom couldn't help believing that it was exactly what had been wrong about their relationship.

Sure they'd had problems before but never to this scale, not until they'd gotten engaged and moved in together. Perhaps, Jinyoung had realized that the act was taking a more permanent turn and he was too selfless to tell Jaebeom to stop. Jinyoung had a kind and gentle heart no matter how much of a tough exterior he tried to put on. He hadn't told Jaebeom to leave but he hadn't stopped him either. No, Jaebeom was sure, no matter what Jinyoung's mother said, he had forced Jinyoung into things selfishly, just like he'd always done ever since they were kids and now Jinyoung was finally free. 

Contrary to what everyone believed, Jackson hadn't been his only link to Jinyoung after their breakup. A few weeks later, when Jaebeom had stubbornly moved out of Jackson's place to live in a tiny loft, he had called Jinyoung's mother out of the blue. She'd told him that she had come to visit Jinyoung along with his father, who by her own reports seemed to be on the mend. She hadn't told him off even once, never questioned him. He had called her everyday then and she had kept him informed right until Jinyoung had decided to pick himself up and let Jackson in. Jaebeom had drunk those bits of information like a man abandoned in the desert, unable to do the same for himself...

  
"Jaebeommah, are you there?"

"Ammonim, thank you."

"How many times do I tell you not to thank me? I know you love my cooking."

"No. Not just for that. For everything."

"Son..."

Jaebeom could feel her hesitating before she seemed to decide to plough on,

"I have never interfered in your life. I've always let my children figure out their own paths. You thought you were both ready for this, but if there's even a single doubt in your mind, don't be afraid to do the right thing. Just.."

Jaebeom waited.

"Just don't wait until you've broken each other's hearts again."

This, this was the reason she'd called. Jaebeom knew she'd forgiven him but she was still Jinyoung's mother. Her son's pain had been hers too, in ways no one could ever understand. She had accepted Jaebeom back into her arms, the same way she would her own son, but he was still the person who had left her son and Jaebeom could never forgive himself for that. He crossed his fingers.

"I won't. Not this time."

"Goodbye son, take care of yourselves."

"Goodbye Ammonim."

He put his phone back into his pocket with a shaky hand. The flood of emotions wouldn't leave him now. Had never left infact, just pushed down enough to help him survive through this ordeal of a trip. They surged up in waves to overwhelm him now, pulling him into a tidal pool of memories, guilt and something else, something more dangerous - desire.

He hadn't felt this way for a while now - heartbroken, lost but wanting to claw his way back to Jinyoung and throw himself at his mercy. Seeing him with Yugyeom had been the final straw. The re-entry of Jinyoung in his life had brought all the memories back, even the ones after their break up, the ones he'd tried hard to suppress the most, the ones he kept tucked away into the darkest corners of his heart.The memories only Jackson knew of, because he'd been the one to clean up the mess after.

Jaebeom had done things after the break up that to most others might seem normal for a heartbroken man, but looking back, were some of the most humiliating moments of his life.

Youngjae had come into his life at the righ time, like an elixir for his parched lips, filling up his emptiness with sunshine and music again.  
But it wasn't enough. 

If Youngjae was his sunshine, his elixir when he was lost in a desert of darkness, Jinyoung was the reason for his very existence, the culmination of everything that existed above and beyond the darkness. The beginning and the end.

Without warning, the old thirst - the parchness in his throat, the emptiness in his soul, all had returned to attack him together. Jaebeom was a man torn in half and there was only one person who could make him feel whole again - the bane of all his reason, his sustainer and his punisher. The one who had been his everything.

The one who had been his beginning and his end.

Since Jinyoung was both mentally and physically exhausted after the emotional roller coaster of a car ride, he fell into bed immediately after checking which room Yugyeom had put his bag in. He had just finished a call from his mother who wanted to check on him, and now he was ready to take a nap for about an hour, so he could wake up in time to catch the sunset with his friends.

They'd made good time, despite the delay at the gas station,so Jinyoung could afford to just lie down and laze around. The house was mostly quiet, the only sounds being the low murmur of his friends as they settled down in their own rooms, the birds chirping outside as they returned to their nests after a hard day of work... 

Half an hour later, Jinyoung was already deep in sleep when he was startled awake by the bed dipping behind him. He turned his head around, and a familiar warmth enveloped him as a heavy arm was snaked across his waist pulling him closer.

Jinyoung knew exactly who it was as he turned back around with a smile and covered the arm with his own,  
"I knew you'd come back." he said and closed his eyes in contentment.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When it comes to matters of the heart. The smartest of people are some of the biggest fools...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: I really don't know how to say this without being too alarming but there's a tiny bit of dubious consent. If you're uncomfortable, please skip the first few paragraphs. I'm not even sure if I need to mention this but I don't want to catch anyone unawares. 
> 
> Thank you once again for all your comments! I try not to read them before I finish writing the next chapter because I don't want to influence the story but reading your feedbacks and debates is the best thing once I'm done updating. My characters feel more real to me when I see how you all analyze and re-analyze every word and every action as much as I do myself. Please continue doing that, it motivates me to put my all into the story. Can't wait for you guys to read the fic I've already finished for JJP BigBang and give me all your feedback. I feel so much love when you all show such care for me and my characters.💚  
> PS: We have the new dates for Keep Spinning BKK. Yoohoo! I hope you all stay safe and enjoy the concert. It will be worth the wait as we make history!

* * *

"Hyung?"

"Hmm?"

"Is this wrong, what we're doing?" Jinyoung asked looking into Jaebeom's eyes, caressing his lips, hovering inches above his own.

There was a beat of silence.

"Yes."

Jinyoung tried to push him away then, but Jaebeom wouldn't budge. 

"Do you remember this bed from last time?" he asked instead. 

"Yes."

"Does it feel wrong?" he asked. 

"Obviously it does, or I wouldn't ask." Jinyoung said in frustration. 

"Jinyoung, does it "feel" wrong?"

Another pause. 

"Yes and No." 

"See, if the answer was a hard yes, you wouldn't ask. You would make things right." said Jaebeom, as he slid a hand down to rest it on Jinyoung's heart. It's been so long. So long... 

"How do I make things right? You seem happy with Youngjae." said Jinyoung, his heart straining to get free from his ribcage at Jaebeom's touch. 

Jaebeom looked pained. He didn't say anything but Jinyoung could see the internal struggle between guilt and want. Same as him. Jaebeom rubbed circles across his chest as he looked at Jinyoung, lost, like he expected him to answer his own question. 

"It's not that easy Jaebeom." Jinyoung snapped at him. 

"See if the answer was a hard yes, you wouldn't ask. You would make things right." Jaebeom said, with a tight smile, his hand digging into Jinyoung's waist now, one arm still beside his head, like he was trying to stop Jinyoung from running away without giving a satisfactory answer to a question he couldn't answer himself. 

Jinyoung bit his lip as he searched Jaebeom's eyes, confused and frustrated. Clearly, Jaebeom wanted _him_ to say it. Something they both already knew, but Jaebeom couldn't say out loud himself. It was so unfair. He could see Jaebeom's smile vanishing, anger slowly replacing it as Jinyoung fought with his brain to come up with the right words. It didn't help that Jaebeom's rapidly narrowing eyes were scaring him by the minute. People would often say how intimidating they were and Jinyoung had seen Jaebeom explode with anger before. But he had never felt anything but safe with Jaebeom.

This however, was different. This Jaebeom was different. This Jaebeom had been wounded. This Jaebeom would hurt him back, with words or hands, he couldn't tell anymore. This Jaebeom was dangerous. 

Jinyoung tried to push him off again, but Jaebeom practically snarled as he swung a leg over him and pinned his arms above his head, trapping him, caging him in. 

Jinyoung, for the life of him, couldn't figure out what Jaebeom expected of him. He couldn't move, he couldn't breathe. Was this all a joke? 

"What is it you want me to do? _You_ left _me_ remember?" He shouted in frustration, struggling to free himself. But neither his body nor Jaebeom would co-operate.

Jaebeom just held his wrists tighter and lowered his head, his lips brushing against Jinyoung's ear as he breathed, 

"See if the answer was a hard yes, you wouldn't ask. You would make things right." 

Jinyoung sobbed and thrashed violently, struggling to free himself as Jaebeom dived for his lips, his sharp teeth exposed as he bit down hard.

Jinyoung let out a whimper and his eyes snapped open, wet with tears, to find Yugyeom's heavy arm and leg almost suffocating his body on a bed different than the one in his dream. A sharp sting told him that he had bitten through his lower lip in his sleep. He licked it tentatively and tasted blood. 

Jinyoung cried silently. Jaebeom had never raised a finger at him. Never forced himself on him. Why had he dreamt of such a thing? Coming back to the cabin was clearly messing with his brain, it hadn't even been more than a few hours. Was it Jaebeom he was afraid of or something else? 

Through the fog of confusion and pain, the answer stood out to him clear as day. The thing his subconscious self had been trying to tell him - It wasn't Jaebeom, it was his own heart that had taken Jaebeom's form as it fought against his brain to make it realize what it had wanted all along. His heart, that was letting his brain know that it wasn't ready to give up, even if the odds seemed impossible. 

What dream Jaebeom - his own heart - kept repeating finally made sense, it felt wrong, against nature infact, for him and Jaebeom to be apart. They had both felt it the moment they had set eyes one each other again last night, Jinyoung was sure. There was a bond between them that persisted beyond time and distance, beyond the mundane ideas of first love and attraction. 

Yes, they were childhood friends, but their journey together had been anything but cliché. They had not only fought against odds, but even against each other and against their own stubborn natures to be together. They had grown up so much, each turning into something that was a perfect fit for the other, like a puzzle piece. How could they give up on something like that? Something they had worked so hard to build together? 

To build something permanent did not mean ignoring their own feelings and putting up a smile everytime, no. That was exactly where they both went wrong. So excited and impatient to start something new that they had forgotten how their love had been nurtured so far - through fights and communication, through misunderstandings and eventual understanding. Not brushing their issues under the rug so they could keep the fear of their future at bay. They had needed a break so they could sort through their new priorities, together. Jinyoung knew his power over Jaebeom. He knew that one word from him, and Jaebeom would have swept him up in his arms again, would have never left. 

But Jinyoung had misunderstood, he had thought that Jaebeom needed space for himself. When all he had wanted was time, for them both, together. Once again, Jinyoung had made the mistake of waiting for the right moment, when he already knew he tended to wait too long, too late. Before he could muster up the courage to bring Jaebeom back, they had moved farther away from each other than ever before - Jinyoung busy trying to finally get the help he needed and Jaebeom finding his much needed peace in Youngjae. 

If only Jinyoung had been completely honest with Jaebeom from the start. Like Yugyeom had wanted him to. Or even let their friends tell Jaebeom about his therapy and the fact that he was trying for them too. But once again, Jinyoung had been so caught up in his own assumptions and plans for their future that he had failed to realize that Jaebeom had weaknesses of his own. He was so used to Jaebeom being the stronger one, the one who always fought to keep their relationship alive, that he had failed to recognize Jaebeom had his insecurities too, he was human too, that he was allowed to make mistakes and try to mend his broken heart, just like Jinyoung. 

He hadn't realized that complete radio silence from him would cause Jaebeom to interpret that the breakup was exactly what Jinyoung had wanted. Everytime Jaebeom had been the one to make the first move. This one time, when Jaebeom had expected Jinyoung to do it, to show that he valued their relationship just as much, Jinyoung had failed. And Jaebeom had ended up assuming the worst. They had both failed. 

Jinyoung had been caught unawares by the sudden entry of Youngjae into their already messed up equation. Same as when he had failed to notice how neglected and hurt Jaebeom had felt for years but had still held on because he knew Jinyoung felt something for him - love, affection...

Wait, did Jaebeom think he'd accepted his proposal out of pity? That he had settled for Jaebeom, taken an easy way out of his inability to consider a relationship important enough to invest his efforts in? Because no one knew better than Jinyoung how starved Jaebeom had been to call someone his own, someone he could shower all the love he was filled with, almost bursting at the seams. And no one knew better than Jaebeom that it was exactly why Jinyoung loved him back. Or so Jinyoung had thought. Clearly, Jaebeom didn't know after all. Jinyoung was frustrated again, mad at Jaebeom for ever doubting his own worth in Jinyoung's heart. 

Jinyoung could see it all now. They had both been afraid of what was to come next and they had tried in their own individual ways to make it perfect. But they had both been trying alone, each afraid of hurting the other and being hurt in return, afraid to be honest about their fears and anxieties, about the future. Where they had always worked as a unit before, they had now become seperate entities working to build something from the opposite ends with no middle ground to come together again. 

And finally, when they had faced the biggest obstacle - the insecurity that comes along with a permanent relationship, they had become scared and quit. It wasn't just Jaebeom, they had both been responsible for it. Jaebeom had walked out but Jinyoung hadn't stopped him either. Jinyoung had quit too, as if his brain had been waiting for it to happen all along. 

Their individual insecurities had made them both feel inadequate, Jaebeom felt abandoned and lost while Jinyoung felt burdened by Jaebeom's unconditional sacrifices. Jaebeom had tried to solve it by keeping his feelings hidden and showing a brave front, Jinyoung had thrown himself in work so he could build something that helped him feel deserving of Jaebeom's love. 

Their fear of being less than perfect in their new roles, as their relationship took a more permanent turn, had pulled them apart instead of bringing them together. 

But their love was still there. He could see it clearly now. He had been a fool to believe that a love as deep as theirs could ever end so easily. He should have stopped Jaebeom the moment he had stepped outside their door. Talked it out. Told him that he could leave, take all the time he needed to clear his head, but that he would wait for him to come back. They could still do this. Fight for each other once again. It had been them against the world last time. It would be them against their own inner demons this time. 

So yes, it didn't feel wrong to see Jaebeom happy again, but it did feel wrong that it wasn't with Jinyoung and his heart wanted him to make things right. It killed him to hurt Youngjae but he had to do it, he had to talk to Jaebeom and then he would let him decide their next step. If Jaebeom still loved him like he believed he did, he would find a way. Youngjae would be hurt but surely, he would forgive them, he would understand. Why would he want to be with someone who was in love with someone else anyway? Jaebeom was the love of his life. Jinyoung had let him go once but destiny had handed them another chance. He would not let go of what was his again... 

But the very next moment, Jinyoung felt himself falling into new depths of guilt and dispair. And disgust. Had he really become this person? Was he really ready to break someone's heart this easily, so he could mend what he and Jaebeom had broken together? Not just any other person, but someone he had called a friend, had bonded with, shared some parts of his life with. Someone who called him Hyung so affectionately like Jinyoung was his own brother. Who in their right mind would ever want to hurt someone like Youngjae? Someone who actually made Jaebeom happy? 

No. Jinyoung couldn't do it. Not now. Not ever. But what about his own growing belief that Jaebeom wanted it too? Could he bring himself to refuse Jaebeom anything after what happened? He hadn't even stopped Jaebeom from leaving, how the hell was he supposed to find the strength to turn him away? 

There was only one person who could help him sort through this mess, the only person who could solve his dilemma. 

Jinyoung pushed at Yugyeom's arm so he could breathe more freely and think about what exactly he was going to say to Jaebeom. 

Yugyeom mumbled groggily as he woke up and rolled off Jinyoung. 

"Hyung." he said, rubbing his eyes and turning around to face Jinyoung sheepishly. 

"Yeah?" 

Jinyoung turned to face him too. He didn't know what else to say. Even though he had gone back to sleep quite happily when he had felt Yugyeom beside him, he was now completely confused after waking up - from the emotions his dream had elicited and from Yugyeom's sudden change of heart. 

So he decided to just wait. Whatever Yugyeom wanted to say, he would say it. 

"Hyung, why didn't you tell me...?" 

Jinyoung was quiet. 

"Why didn't you tell me about the therapy? I could have helped. I could have stayed with you, driven you to the doctor's. I..." 

Jinyoung could feel Yugyeom breathing heavily now. He seemed close to tears. 

"I-I just couldn't." said Jinyoung, closing his eyes. 

"Why not?" 

"Because I thought you were mad at me."

"I was. But I've told you Hyung, no matter how mad I get at you. I still love you. You're my best friend."

"I know, but can you really blame me? I should have listened to you. I should have stopped to think the first time. I should have stopped to consider the moment he proposed to me. I should have stopped to think when he let his father disown him for my sake. I should have stopped to think the day he moved in with me. Mistake upon mistake upon mistake as I gave in to my own weakness for him. How could I face you then Yugyeom?"

"You just had to call me and tell me you needed me. I would have told you that you were both being idiots. And you would have believed me because no one knows you better."

"But Jaebeom Hyung needed you too."

"He did." Yugyeom admitted. 

"Was he-was he okay, after?" 

"He was broken Hyung. Just like you. He- but it's not my place to tell."

"Then tell me something else. Anything."

"Jackson Hyung was killing himself trying to take care of the both of you while I sat my exams. Luckily he'd taken a few weeks off for Mark Hyung's wedding, perks of being the new boss I guess. You know how much of a workaholic he is too Hyung, he doesn't take his father's surname for granted. But he still took Jaebeom Hyung and Nora in, while fulfilling his best man duties. But then Jaebeom Hyung decided to move out to stay in that tiny old loft. So Jackson Hyung decided to focus on you while I kept check on Jaebeom Hyung from time to time. Bambam helped when he found out. We'd already sent Mark Hyung off to his honeymoon. We all tried to help as much as we could."

"I know Gyeommah, and I am thankful..."

They were quiet for a while, but Jinyoung was still troubled about something Yugyeom had said. He felt like he was prying into business that wasn't his concern anymore. But he needed to know. 

"Why was Jaebeom Hyung living like that? His album was a success. Why hasn't he released more music? Why is he working for his dad?"

"Yeah, he...he swore off music."

"What? Why?"Jinyoung almost shouted, sitting up quickly. 

"It's not my place to tell Hyung."

Jinyoung wanted to force him but he didn't. Jaebeom might not want him to know and he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer anyway. He'd known Jaebeom was sensitive, that he hadn't put any new music out since their breakup. But to have sworn off completely...that wasn't Jaebeom at all. It had been his one true passion. If Jaebeom had given up on music completely because of what happened...

No. 

No! 

He could never live with himself if that was true. He was better off not knowing. 

"When his dad heard about your breakup, he sent Youngjae Hyung to find him. That's how they met. He moved Jaebeom Hyung into one of the company owned apartments. Jaebeom Hyung seemed to get better after a while, his parents pleaded with him to come back home, he refused. But he did agree to join the Company. Abandoned his music, but he seemed better, maybe not happier, but better. You've seen Youngjae Hyung and the effect he has on people right? It wasn't long before they moved in together. And Jaebeom Hyung's been doing better than ever."

Jinyoung fell quiet again as he lay back down, listening to Yugyeom's even breathing.This was all information to him. He hadn't had the chance to ask about Jaebeom after their breakup, especially as they all avoided the subject anyway. 

He could hear soft footsteps moving back and forth outside his door but he needed to get things straight with Yugyeom once and for all, before any of their friends barged in. 

"Gyeom, what brought this on? Why are you here?" 

After a moment of hesitation, Yugyeom let out a deep breath. 

"Bambam paid a visit." 

"Ah...were there fresh threats involved?" 

"Possibly..." Yugyeom said sheepishly. 

Jinyoung chuckled. 

"But I would have come any way Hyung." said Yugyeom quickly, "I just had to figure out how to stop being a stubborn asshole." 

"Yeah, Bambam's good with that." said Jinyoung. 

"Why? Did he come for you too?" Yugyeom asked grinning. 

Jinyoung rolled his eyes. 

"Possibly..." he said with a cryptic smile. 

"I'm sorry Hyung. I know I keep screwing up but I missed you." said Yugyeom, putting his palm over Jinyoung's, resting on his pillow. 

"I know that and I missed you too but what are you exactly sorry for?" Jinyoung asked with a sigh. 

"For making you feel like you couldn't talk to me, when you needed me the most." said Yugyeom, looking down with sorrow written all over his face. 

"Well then I'm sorry too."

"For what?" 

"For thinking that I couldn't talk to you."

"Friends?" asked Yugyeom, looking up tentatively.

"Friends" said Jinyoung with a chuckle. "I love you. You know that right?"

"I know hyung. I love you too."

Jinyoung put an arm over Yugyeom's and snuggled into him. They were back where they belonged. Yugyeom with Jinyoung, Jinyoung with Yugyeom. 

Jaebeom hesitated with his hand on the door knob, fighting an internal war with himself that prevented him from going in but also from leaving. 

Jinyoung's "I love you" to Yugyeom still rankled in his head. A part of him wanted to be thankful that Jinyoung had found Yugyeom, just like he had found Youngjae, even if he was still in love with Jinyoung. There was no one better than Yugyeom who could understand him, even if they fought all the time. But then, there was another, more dominant part of him that wanted to barge in, knock Yugyeom down and smash his face to a pulp for even thinking about touching what was his. 

The only thing stopping him at the moment was the fact that Yugyeom was his little brother and Jinyoung wasn't his anymore. It didn't matter that Yugyeom was much bigger and stronger than him either. When Jaebeom was in a rage, there was no stopping him. He had been notorious in school for his temper. 

He'd stopped the day Jinyoung had backed away from him, scared and disgusted, when he'd caught him punching another guy during a petty fight. All his rage and anger had vanished in a moment, replaced by agony as Jinyoung avoided him for a whole week. Jaebeom had to prove for weeks that he would never raise a hand on anyone again, before he had been completely forgiven. 

While Jaebeom was busy trying to make sense of his inner turmoil, he felt a rush of limbs behind him as a hand knocked his own away from the door knob and Jackson pushed his way into Jinyoung's room. 

"Hey losers!" he hollered. Jaebeom heard a loud thump as Jackson jumped on top of Jinyoung's bed and something heavy landed hard on the floor. 

Jaebeom finally found the courage to step in, but stopped short when he saw Jackson wrestling Jinyoung on top of the bed while Yugyeom sat rubbing his butt on the floor. The familiarity of the scene set Jaebeom on fire. Every sane thought replaced by a single word repeating over and over again, 

Mine, mine, mine,... 

Jinyoung and Yugyeom had clearly been sleeping together, in the same bed. Jaebeom would not let himself imagine anything more, even if the evidence was right there - in their puffy faces, in their ruffled clothes and Yugyeom not daring to climb back on the bed. He'd thought they'd just been talking. It wasn't like Jaebeom wasn't used to seeing them cuddling before. But now that he himself was out of the picture, there was no mistaking the implication of the scene before him. 

Jaebeom felt his jaw tense and clenched his hands before taking a deep breath in, clearing his throat to bring their attention to him. Jackson had already seen him hovering outside, there was no point pretending he'd just been passing by. He'd been pacing outside Jinyoung's door for the past 15 minutes. He was pretty sure Jackson had guessed what he'd been about to do and prevented it just in time by barging in and creating a ruckus. Jaebeom was grateful even as he felt shame fight with jealousy to creep up and redden his ears.

Jinyoung stopped laughing as soon as he saw him and pushed Jackson off while Yugyeom's hand jumped up to rub the back of his head. He was clearly remembering their last encounter in the car. Or maybe, like Jaebeom, he was being reminded of a memory from many years ago, when Jaebeom had pounded on their dorm door to find Yugyeom in a similar state on the floor next to Jinyoung's tiny bed. Jaebeom had dismissed the familiar pang of jealousy then, confident of his place in Jinyoung's heart and a blind trust in his own friendship with Yugyeom. 

But not anymore. 

"Everyone's gathered out front. Hurry up if you all want to catch the sunset." he said tonelessly.

Jaebeom saw Jinyoung open his mouth, clearly about to respond with something. But Jaebeom had had enough. He turned around and stormed out of the room with as much dignity as he could muster.

However, this time, Jaebeom's anger was directed at himself. How could he still continue to behave like an entitled asshole? Like he still had some kind of ownership over Jinyoung's mind and his body? Hadn't Jaebeom just been about to make what could possibly be the biggest mistake of his life? Walking out on Jinyoung might have been the hardest decision he'd had to take, but this - this wasn't something either of them could have moved on from and still remain friends. The mutual trust and respect would have been broken forever.

If he hadn't hesitated for so long, if he hadn't crept closer to lay his forehead on Jinyoung's door to try and find the strength to leave, and if it hadn't resulted in him hearing Jinyoung and Yugyeom confess their love for each other, he would have walked right in and taken Jinyoung then and there if he would have him. 

Morals be damned. 

It wasn't Jinyoung's fault that he found comfort in Yugyeom, arguably the one who knew best how to take care of him in Jaebeom's absence. It wasn't Youngjae's fault that Jaebeom still hadn't completely moved on from Jinyoung. It wasn't Jaebeom's fault that he was still in love with Jinyoung. But it _had_ been his decision to not be with Jinyoung anymore and he had no right to punish three innocent people because he had almost given in to a moment of weakness. He could do this. If Yugyeom made Jinyoung happy, then they deserved to be together. Jaebeom would kill his love before he was ever tempted to force it on Jinyoung again and ruin his happiness. 

Jaebeom took in a deep breath of fresh air as he stepped out of the front door to find Youngjae already looking at him with his borrowed film camera in hand and a huge grin on his face. Jaebeom felt his heart calm down as he got lost in the warmth of Youngjae's aura. He still didn't know why Youngjae was with him and Youngjae only ever gave vague answers, but it was obvious that he cared for Jaebeom, wanted to spend time with him no matter where, no matter what hour of the day. Even if they weren't in love yet, Youngjae was quickly carving another place for himself in Jaebeom's heart, one that would forever be a permanent source of strength for Jaebeom, even if they decided to go their seperate ways. 

Inevitably, his mind jumped back to their last conversation. 

"Hyung, are you okay?"

"What do you think?" Jaebeom snapped at Youngjae as he paced back and forth near the back wall. 

Youngjae had dragged him out to the back of the gas station and stood leaning casually against the wall, watching Jaebeom try to scramble for his self control. 

"I think you're going to be okay. You just have to-" 

"I just have to what? I just have to what Youngjae? I told you! I told you this was a bad idea, but you wouldn't listen!" 

"I don't want you to lose your friends because of me."

"This is not because of you! This is because of me and Jinyoung. Stop taking the blame. Just stop it! You didn't even know any of them until a few months ago!" 

"I know I haven't known them as long as you and I know I don't mean as much as Jinyoung-" 

"Stop that! You know what I meant! Don't compare yourself to Jinyoung! It's different. Jinyoung is Jinyoung, you are you. You have a seperate place in my life, you are not someone's replacement!" 

"I was before, don't deny it Hyung." Youngjae said calmly. 

"Not after we began this relationship! How can you even think that! I didn't know it back then, but you are different. You are not him Youngjae, you think I don't know that by now? I have been nothing but honest with you, even if it hurt us both, you know everything!" 

"It doesn't feel like it when you had to think a thousand times before bringing me on this trip."

"I didn't know Jinyoung would agree to come too! You made that decision with him without even discussing it with me! I couldn't back out, once you'd already asked him! How can you not see how weird this is for me, for him, for you?!"

"We were all getting along so well on text, I thought it was time. I didn't force him, it was his decision to come, and now he's here being an adult about it, unlike you. So what do you expect me to do except encourage him?"

"I don't know! I don't know okay! I just-why the fuck did you ask him to ride with us?" 

"I wanted to know him better." said Youngjae calmly. 

"You couldn't wait until we reached the cabin? It's significantly less stifling than being boxed in together for hours in a damn car!" Jaebeom raised an eyebrow testily.

"I had to start somewhere. My friendship with Jinyoung Hyung is seperate from your relationship. Do me a favor and take your head out of your ass for one second. I'm not your enemy remember?" 

Jaebeom could still see a major hole in Youngjae's argument, but he had never been good with verbal spats anyway.

And Youngjae was right about one thing, he had taken care of Jaebeom when he had needed him the most. Whatever justification he had for thrusting them all together, it wasn't to hurt Jaebeom on purpose. Jaebeom could never tell exactly why Youngjae did things, but there was one thing he was absolutely, positively sure of - Youngjae cared for him. He had seen it in his eyes, he had felt it in his presence. 

He had never meant to start a relationship with Youngjae. Youngjae had been practically a stranger who had held his hand without judgement and without questions. They had met each other a few times at some of his dad's work events he'd been forced to attend, but they'd never gone past a formal introduction and small talk. Neither of them interested in the other. Yet, he'd seen Jaebeom at his worst and offered him help. Jaebeom had been surprised at first. But Youngjae's initial disinterest and then later, his consistent attention had cleared his mind, helped him get back on his feet again. He hadn't been in the state to think beyond that anyway. 

Youngjae had been the one to convince him to join his dad's company again. He had convinced Jaebeom to let go of his trashy loft and move into the company apartment permanently. He'd helped Jaebeom remain clear headed and focused on his work and himself. Jaebeom still couldn't tell what his motivation had been initially but it was clear now, that Youngjae cared for him. He didn't mind that Youngjae hadn't told him he loved him yet, he himself wasn't capable of feeling anything akin to that anytime soon. But Youngjae did care for him enough to offer his companionship, so Jaebeom could pick his life back up again. 

"Hello!" said Youngjae waving a hand infront of his face. "Where did you go to?" 

"Nowhere. Just thinking."

"About Jinyoung?" 

"No. About you."

"See" said Youngjae grinning as he moved towards Jaebeom and slipped his arms around his neck, slowly moving his lips closer to Jaebeom's. "You don't have to worry about him when I'm here."

Jaebeom barely had time to register anything before Youngjae was deepening the kiss, and as was his habit now, Jaebeom just gave in and let himself go. He pulled Youngjae in roughly by the waist to slam their bodies together and closed his eyes, backing him towards the wall kissing furiously the whole time. He knew he was coming off too aggressive and he did consider trying to restrain himself, but then he remembered what Youngjae had said to him once, 

"Everytime you kiss me, it feels like you want to escape to somewhere else, like you're holding yourself back! I want to feel everything, all that you can give. Please just let go and focus on me." He'd said in frustration, looking extremely hurt. 

Youngjae lost his smile so rarely that Jaebeom had felt his heart ache with guilt. Youngjae had listened to him rant about Jinyoung and comforted him. He'd helped him put himself back together everytime he'd fallen apart. Jaebeom owed it to him to atleast try. So he had forced himself to let go, to focus on the present, to stop thinking about the place he had wanted to escape to. The person he had wanted to escape to. It had been hard at first but Youngjae had held his hand firmly through it all. 

Youngjae's back hit the wall harder than intended and Jaebeom grabbed his thighs making him jump up and wrap them around his waist. But even as they quickly found a rhythm and increased their pace, grinding against each other fully clothed with hurried and forceful thrusts, Jaebeom had to clamp down hard on Youngjae's lips to stop himself from moaning out a name that wasn't his. 

Jaebeom had been more collected when they had cleaned themselves up and returned to the car. Until he had been faced with Yugyeom and Jinyoung doing exactly what he and Youngjae had been doing earlier. He was sure of it. What else could they be doing with all the giggling and the gasping and Jinyoung asking Yugyeom to stop as soon as they heard them approaching? Why else would Yugyeom be sprawled out on the back seat on top of Jinyoung? 

Jinyoung's foot poking out of the window had been indication enough. But Youngjae seemed to have found nothing odd with it as he strode confidently towards the car, Jaebeom following in his wake. It had taken every ounce of strength in his body, not to clench his jaw or throw a fit at the scene that had greeted them. He didn't have to guess. The guilty faces had told him everything. 

As the bitterness threatened to overwhelm him, Jaebeom wrenched himself away from the image and pulled himself back to the present. He walked quickly towards Youngjae and took the hand he held out. He took deep breaths trying to calm himself in Youngjae's soothing presence. Youngjae just let him be, rubbing circles on his hand with his thumb while they waited for the rest of them to catch up.

"About time" said Mark, sliding his glasses up to pull back his hair. 

"Jackson was trying to kill me." said Jinyoung quickly. 

"Was not." said Jackson. 

"Was too." Jinyoung returned coolly. 

"Wow, I rue the day I taught you English, if the only thing you've learned is to talk back to your Hyung." said Jackson, feigning an injured tone. 

"Hyung who? We're the same age." Jinyoung snapped, switching back to Korean. 

"Wow. Tell that to Bambam." said Yugyeom rolling his eyes. 

"Tell me what? I'm used to your disrespect." said Bambam, shrugging non-chalantly. 

"Yet you complain about it all the time _and_ you disrespect everyone no matter how old."

"Well, _you_ are the one who needs to learn Korean etiquette little maknae, I don't. In my country, you earn respect."

"Is that why you use honorifics with Jaebeom Hyung and Jinyoung Hyung but not with Mark Hyung and Jackson Hyung?" Yugyeom asked with a smirk as Youngjae laughed out loud. 

"You realize how much shorter that sentence would have been if you didn't have a stick up your ass?" asked Bambam, sweetly. 

"Yeah well, _you're_ a foreigner, not Jinyoung Hyung." said Yugyeom stubbornly. 

"Exactly. If he can use honorifics with Jaebeom Hyung, then why not me? They're the same age too" asked Jackson, pouting. 

"Because you're not Korean, so shut up." said Jinyoung dismissively. 

"That makes no sense. Mark Hyung isn't Korean either you racist bastard, but you still-" 

"YAH! SHOVE YOUR FUCKING HONORIFICS IN YOUR FUCKING ASS. I SWEAR TO GOD, IF I MISS THE SUNSET BECAUSE OF YOU FUCKERS I'M GONNA KILL EVERY FUCKING ONE OF YOU!" Mark screamed.

There was a stunned silence as they all looked down at the ground. 

"Jeez, should have forced Suzy Noona to take the week off too." Jackson whispered in Jinyoung's ear. "Jaebeom Hyung's taught him one too many swear words."

Jinyoung had to stuff his fist into his mouth to stifle his giggles. But they were all noticeably quieter as they walked around the back of the cabin and watched the sun set behind the mountains.

Jinyoung tried hard not to look at Jaebeom and Youngjae with their hands clasped tightly, whispering in each other's ears. His own hand itched, as if there was a limb missing. Out of nowhere, he felt two warm hands slide into his and looked around to see Yugyeom and Jackson holding one each. He smiled as he saw Mark and Bambam move ahead with their cameras, close to the boundary that looked over the sheer drop of the cliff on which the cabin was built. 

A few moments later, as the sky became darker and the sun had almost vanished from the horizon, Jackson moved forward to join them, closely followed by Youngjae. The sound of loud laughter rang through the air as the others began chattering again and Jaebeom walked slowly towards Jinyoung and Yugyeom. 

Yugyeom took one look at him and moved ahead to join the others, clearly picking up on the unspoken hint. Jinyoung waited in quiet anticipation. This was it. Jaebeom looked troubled but Jinyoung braced himself to face what Jaebeom was inevitably going to say to him. He had an inkling. 

"We should take out the wooden recliners again, set them around an outdoor fire. Like last time." said Jaebeom, clearly trying to make small talk. 

"Yeah. They must be in the basement. Dunno what condition they're in though."

"They were quite sturdy. I'm sure we can use them again."

"Sturdy enough to hold an engagement party attended by two people?" Jinyoung smiled, nudging him playfully with an elbow. 

Jaebeom didn't smile back like Jinyoung expected him to. If it was possible, he looked even more troubled. Jinyoung was confused. Hadn't Jaebeom walked up to him because he was remembering all their good memories from two years ago, like Jinyoung was?

"You and Yugyeom...you two are good together."

Jinyoung gaped at Jaebeom. Jaebeom stared back with a pained but determined look. 

"I don't unders-" 

"It's okay. You don't have to hide it from me. You never had to. If I can move on with Youngjae, you can do the same with Yugyeom."

Every word was like the thrust of a sharp knife in Jinyoung's heart. Jaebeom had just confirmed his worst nightmare. He had not only positively moved on with Youngjae but he was telling him to move on too. He looked pained by the very idea that Jinyoung was still so hung up on him that he was denying his feelings for Yugyeom. 

Jinyoung felt an abyss as deep as the one beside them opening up to pull him into a darkness he had fought so hard to escape - pain and embarassment. 

He couldn't remember any extraordinary moment that could make Jaebeom come to such a conclusion about him and Yugyeom. Granted, the incident at the car had been embarrassing, but it was because of what Youngjae had said. Jinyoung and Yugyeom had always been that close. Jaebeom had never questioned it. Ever. So why now? What had changed, except that they were broken up and Jaebeom was now with Youngjae? 

Youngjae. That was it. Jaebeom was clearly trying to clutch at straws, trying to push Jinyoung and Yugyeom together so he could be sure that Jinyoung wasn't going to let his barely repressed feelings mess up his friendship with Youngjae. Clearly, his stolen glances towards Jaebeom and his innocent banter with Yugyeom hadn't gone unnoticed. Had Youngjae felt uncomfortable and Jaebeom had somehow picked up on it? 

And here Jinyoung had been worried about how he was going to refuse when Jaebeom eventually asked him to take him back. His dream, his sudden epiphany, it all seemed laughable. Now that it was clear Jaebeom wanted to close every possible chapter that led them back to each other, he realized that coming back to the cabin had been a mistake. How could he have ever felt he was ready for this? And how many times was he going to have his heart broken before this trip ended? Served him right for being stupid enough to agree to this.

But Youngjae had wanted him there. Had been the one to convince him infact. Jinyoung had promised to come blindly before Bambam had dropped the name of their destination. He couldn't back out then, not without creating unnecessary drama. They had all been getting along so well on text. Even Jaebeom and Jinyoung had managed to laugh and banter like old times, either of them carefully avoiding any uncomfortable subjects. It had been so easy to pause, think, delete and rewrite his responses so their conversations could go smoothly. So easy to hide his pining heart behind expressionless words. 

Jinyoung laughed at himself bitterly. No wonder he got along with Youngjae like a house on fire. Clearly, they were both idiots when it came to matters of the heart. They had both created this mess and now Jinyoung was going to have to clean it up. So he did what he had always done best. He kept quiet and let Jaebeom keep his assumptions about him and Yugyeom. How much more could it hurt anyway? 

He shouldn't have wondered. 

"It was always going to be him. I see it now." said Jaebeom when he realized Jinyoung wasn't going to say anything. He walked away, leaving Jinyoung with his heart broken for the second time. 

Jaebeom's meaning couldn't have been clearer as he walked into the house through the back door with Youngjae following him in soon after, pulled by some unspoken connection between them that clearly told him of Jaebeom's distress. Youngjae understood and took care of Jaebeom the same way Yugyeom took care of Jinyoung. Their fates had been sealed long ago. Jinyoung had just been denying what had been right infront of him all along.

Jaebeom was right. 

It was always going to be Youngjae for Jaebeom now. Jinyoung could see it too. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung and Jaebeom decide to talk. But it doesn't go the way they expected it to. The emotional ups and downs take a toll on them and things come to a head when feelings take control over sense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Trigger for anxiety. If you have problems with it or have an anxiety disorder, PLEASE skip this chapter. I'll make sure to keep the continuity in the next one so you won't miss out. 
> 
> [Edit: I just finished reading all your comments on chapter 7 and I have to say I have never enjoyed reading comments so much before! You all articulated my exact feelings while writing that chapter. And that, more than anything else, is the biggest compliment I can ever receive - for you guys to feel so deeply about the story!  
> Thank you for all the comments, kudos and bookmarks. You guys keep me going.] 
> 
> Hey guys, I'm kind of on the clock. I wouldn't even be able to publish this chapter today if I hadn't already written it along with the last one. Just needed time to edit it as fast as I could.  
> I have so many unread notifications in my mail from all your comments and kudos from the last one, can't wait to sink my teeth into them.💚  
> PS: The story's gonna have a happy ending I promise, don't hate me!! 😭😂💚

* * *

Jaebeom should have known Jackson would come find him sooner or later. He had just finished telling Youngjae everything and Youngjae had walked out wordlessly after giving him an incomprehensible look.

Jackson barged into their room, barely pausing to give Youngjae a parting nod and jumped up to sit on Jaebeom's window sill, his arms crossed. 

"Hyung what did you do?" He asked without ceremony, as Youngjae shut the door behind him quietly. 

"What?" 

"What did you say to Jinyoung? He's locked himself in his room. What did you do?" 

"The right thing." said Jaebeom stubbornly. "He's just pissed because I called him out for trying to hide it from me."

"Which is what?" 

"I told Jinyoung to get together with Yugyeom. It's obvious they like each other." 

"Did he tell you that?" 

"He didn't deny it." 

"How did you even know they like each other that way?" 

"I heard them." 

"Heard them when?" 

"You know when." Jaebeom mumbled looking down on his lap, picking on a stray piece of thread on his sweatpants.

Jackson just watched him for a while from his perch on the window, the night sky behind him making him look eerie and domineering. Jaebeom suddenly felt small in Jackson's presence, something that had been happening a lot in the past year. 

"What exactly did you hear?" Jackson asked in a toneless voice. 

"I heard Jinyoung tell him he loved him. And Yugyeom said it back." 

"So? They're best friends aren't they?" 

"Jinyoung and Yugyeom...They're different with each other. I can't explain it." 

Jackson raised a skeptical brow. 

"What else did you hear?" 

"Dunno, I wasn't planning on eavesdropping on them alright? I just heard a few bits before you went barrelling in. I didn't even know Gyeom was in there!" 

"There has to be something else Hyung. Something you heard but didn't register at the time." 

"I don't know okay! Gyeom just asked Jinyoung if they could be friends again and then Jinyoung said he loves him and Gyeom said it back..." said Jaebeom through gritted teeth. 

Jackson fell quiet again, he seemed to be sorting through the information himself. 

"See, it all sounds a bit different now that you really think about it..." He said thoughtfully. 

"I don't know..it seemed pretty straightforward then."

"Okay, I have a theory." said Jackson with a determined look. 

"What theory?" 

"Sounds to me like you latched onto a few words that fit into a particular narrative you were already suspecting, because you felt guilty about being there in the first place. You wanted a reason, any reason to not go in and so you grabbed onto this."

"But what if this isn't complete bullshit? Jinyoung might not have been thinking about it before, but he could be thinking about it now. You remember you joked about it once, back in college, and Gyeom just blushed instead of laughing it off? We both noticed it, you and I, so don't tell me I don't have valid reasons to think what I'm thinking!"

"Right. So you think Jinyoung likes Gyeom back now?" 

"I think so, yes." 

"Did you feel that way before? When you were both together?" 

"Never!" said Jaebeom, scandalized that Jackson would even suggest such a thing. 

"Hmm, sounds to me like it's actually _you_ who wants them to be together. And why is that?" 

"It's not just me. They clearly like each other. Have you never seen them together?" 

"I have but...they're just that close. Have always been. They might have gotten closer after your breakup but isn't that natural? It could be the same as you moving in with me. That ever occur to you? " 

"Ofcourse it did! I never thought much of it when Jinyoung and I were together. Jinyoung always treated Yugyeom like a best friend and nothing else. But Yugyeom still looks at him a certain way..."

"The way you look at him, still?" 

Jaebeom was quiet. He didn't deny it. He couldn't. Jackson already knew. 

"Okay...so they have history." Jackson continued, clearly getting impatient. "But not from Jinyoung's side atleast. That you're sure of. So what's changed now, after your break up? Are you sure it's from Jinyoung's side too?" 

"I don't know what happened between them after we broke up, Yugyeom used to visit me regularly but then I told him to focus on his studies, he's in med. school for God's sake..." Jaebeom paused to take a deep breath and closed his eyes. "I just want Jinyoung to be happy. With or without me."

"And you think Gyeom's it, the one?" 

"Who else? It obviously isn't me...sometimes it feels like it never _was_ me..." said Jaebeom his heart aching, eyes starting to fill with unshed tears. 

"And you get to decide that why?" 

"I didn't decide anything. I just told him that they didn't have to hide it on my account." 

"How generous of you." 

"Why is that dripping with sarcasm?" Jaebeom looked at him, annoyed. 

"Because as far as I see, you're making your own assumptions and Jinyoung's just taking them without a fight. Isn't that exactly what Jinyoung did to you? The reason why you broke up? Is this some kind of revenge game between you two where you take turns to dance around your feelings and then hit each other where it hurts most? Because then we're back to square one and we might as well just cut this trip short and force you guys to marry each other so we don't have to deal with your shit anymore and you can continue biting each other's head off." 

"Ofcourse it's not for revenge, what the hell is wrong with you! You know me better! I would never hurt Jinyoung like that!" 

"You're right, you could never hurt Jinyoung like that. Because you still love him." 

Jaebeom just looked away. 

"And if you really do, you will let him come to you, tell you things when he's ready. You have no right to speak to him about his personal life until he speaks to you." 

"Why are you taking his side? He's already got Yugyeom, Bambam and Mark. All I have is you!" 

"I'm not taking any sides. None of us are. It's only you and Jinyoung who keep pushing us away. You're the same, both of you. I'm just trying to be objective here." said Jackson sternly. 

Jaebeom looked at him in quiet contemplation. 

"You haven't asked me one thing though." he said quietly. 

"What?" 

"Why was I at Jinyoung's door." 

"Were you going to tell me?" 

"Obviously. Or I wouldn't have mentioned it." 

"Then I don't need to know." 

"What? Why? We promised to always tell each other everything, no matter what!" said Jaebeom incredulous. 

"I know. But I think I can already guess why you went there and it doesn't matter to me." 

"Why not?" 

"Because you stopped yourself from making a huge mistake and I'm proud of you."

"How do you know I wouldn't have gone in if I hadn't heard them?" 

"Because I know you Lim Jaebeom. You're my best friend and I trust you. You have so many faults, but dishonesty isn't one of them."

Jaebeom didn't know what to do, except be grateful to have a friend like Jackson in his life who understood him better than anyone else. 

"I'd come to wake Jinyoung up when I saw you. I waited there, the whole time, out of sight, incase you needed me. I heard you pacing back and forth for almost an eternity until I saw you finally slump against the door. I knew then, that you were about to walk away. If you hadn't heard Gyeom, you would have left already. I didn't know what you heard then, but I saw your face change. I know that look so well. There was definitely something wrong and you were about to lose it, so I decided to take matters into my own hands."

"I _was_ about to lose it. Every moment felt like an eternity. I was stuck there trying to talk myself out of it. I guess my prayers were answered when I heard them." said Jaebeom bitterly. 

"Like I said before Hyung, I know you. Even if you had gone in, you would have stopped. You wouldn't hurt someone like that."

And now the tears came in earnest. Jackson was right, the very thought of cheating on Youngjae almost killed him. But he had come so close, so close to giving in and acting on his impulse. He was sure Jinyoung would have kicked him out immediately. But what if Yugyeom hadn't been there and Jinyoung was feeling vulnerable too...?

Jaebeom felt sick even thinking about it. 

Trust Jackson to know everything without having to be told. All of their friends infact. They seemed to know Jaebeom and Jinyoung better than they knew themselves. It had been a huge mistake on both their parts to try and push their friends away when they all had a significant contribution in their lives, even in their relationship. 

"You know you can leave anytime right? You don't have to put up with my shit all the time." Jaebeom groaned, falling backwards on his bed. 

"Funny, Jinyoung keeps saying the same thing. Don't think I haven't considered it every hour of everyday for the past 11 years, ever since you saw Jinyoung and fell chin over ass in love with him." said Jackson, wagging an indignant finger at him. 

"Chin over ass?" asked Jaebeom incredulously. 

"Your chin, his ass." 

"Don't insult my chin. It's hot and you're just jealous." said Jaebeom throwing a pillow at him. 

"Who gave you that false information?" 

"My ex." 

"Oh really, which one?" 

"The one with the ass."

They both looked at each other and burst out laughing. 

"Now you know why I can't leave. No one else is going to put up with this shit for long." said Jackson wiping tears of mirth. 

"It feels good you know.." Jaebeom began after they had both calmed down again. "When someone understands you without having to explain. I'm not really good with words." 

"Another thing you have in common with Jinyoung."

Jaebeom groaned again. 

"You're going to taunt me about it the whole day aren't you?" 

"Nope." 

"Good." 

"Just every second of every day until you go talk to him." said Jackson jumping down from the window to lean over him with a smirk. 

"Come here you little..." Jaebeom grabbed Jackson by the neck and pulled him into a chokehold. 

This. This was easy. Safe. Comfortable. Exactly what Jinyoung had with Yugyeom. Jackson was right, he shouldn't have made assumptions from words that Jinyoung and Yugyeom had exchanged before too.

But even if his heart burned at the very thought, seeing them both together did confirm his beliefs about what was best for Jinyoung's happiness. He had meant what he'd said, it had always been Yugyeom who was meant for Jinyoung all along. He could see it now. 

But Jackson was right too. He needed to talk to Jinyoung, for real this time. Tell him his side and listen to his in return. 

Jinyoung clutched his beer closer to his chest as he stared into the fire, leaning back into one of the large recliner chairs they had dragged out of the basement and set around their camp fire. His friends were gathered around him, talking, laughing, teasing, and occasionally arguing, their voices keeping the coldness of the night at bay even as their mouths let out soft vapors. 

Jaebeom's words kept repeating in his head. 

"It's been him all along."

Jinyoung hadn't known that a part of his heart had still been holding on to the hope that he and Jaebeom would somehow find their way back to each other. Until he had that dream. That damn dream. But now, there was absolutely no doubt in his mind that it was over. It was all finally, completely over. Jinyoung let out a curse. Where he had been heartbroken before, he was now angry. Very angry. 

Luckily, none of his friends seemed to have noticed. Mark was on the phone trying to converse with his wife over a noisy signal. Jackson, Bambam and Yugyeom were busy fighting over playing cards. Youngjae and Jaebeom had disappeared again.

Jinyoung let out a snicker. Jaebeom was probably sharing the good news with Youngjae, telling him that Jinyoung wasn't going to be a problem anymore. Youngjae was probably rewarding Jaebeom right this moment, in ways Jinyoung could very well imagine.

Well, he was glad his pain had atleast brought them closer than ever. Jinyoung laughed aloud bitterly. 

Right on cue, he heard the back door open and his friends called out to Jaebeom to join them. Jinyoung stared resolutely into the fire. He knew he was drunk and he had no energy left to be civil to anyone. Least of all his ex and his perfect boyfriend. If he tried to speak, he was sure some nonsense would spew out of his mouth and this trip would end in a disaster before it even began. 

"Can I join you?" 

Jinyoung looked up at Youngjae looking down at him with his signature grin plastered on his face. Warmth and innocence just oozed out of his entire being. Who could say no to that face? 

Not Jinyoung. 

"Sure. Go ahead." He said, moving to make space for Youngjae on his chair.

Youngjae squeezed in next to him with ease and stretched his legs out comfortably. Jinyoung could feel it too, the comforting familiarity. As if they had been doing this for years. 

"You okay?" asked Youngjae gently. 

"Shouldn't I be?" 

"Only you can tell."

"Yes, I'm okay Youngjae." jinyoung sighed. 

"I'm sorry."

"For what? 

"For tagging along on this trip. You must have been looking forward to spending time with your friends. But you seem so sad, I think I ruined everything." 

"Woah, woah, slow down Jae! What are you talking about?"

"Jaebeom Hyung."

"What about him." asked Jinyoung, unable to tone down the bitterness as he took another sip of his beer. 

"He told me what he said to you." 

"About?" 

"About you and Yugyeom." 

"Is he a complete idiot? Why would he discuss that with you! You're his boyfriend!" said Jinyoung incredulously.

"He _is_ an idiot, but that's another conversation. He told me because we share everything with each other."

"Everything?" Jinyoung asked skeptically. 

"Everything." Youngjae returned firmly, stressing on the word such that there was no room for doubt. 

"And you don't mind it?" 

"No."

"Really?" 

"My relationship with Jaebeom Hyung is..." 

"Perfect." provided Jinyoung, turning back to the fire, as if it would out-burn the fire in his heart. 

"Different. It's different." 

"Not perfect?" 

"No. Not perfect. But we know exactly what the other is thinking at all times." 

"Wow. So he found himself a mind reader. Good for him." said Jinyoung, taking another sip.

He hadn't meant to sound so bitter. Youngjae was just trying to be nice, as usual, but Jinyoung couldn't look past the fact that he was a part of the problem himself. Also, his low alcohol tolerance was making it harder to reach for the indifference he had always worn like a shield. 

Anyway, Youngjae wasn't going to be a problem anymore. Not when there was nothing left between him and Jaebeom. Jaebeom had made it very clear. 

"No Hyung. We don't read each other's minds. Not like _you_ used to...Jaebeom Hyung told me." said Youngjae smiling and giving him a small nudge. 

" _Used_ to. That's the keyword here. And it's all bullshit anyway. You spend time with someone long enough, you start picking up on things. No big deal." said Jinyoung dismissively.

"It's not the case with me and Jaebeom Hyung. We _tell_ each other things. We talk it out. No matter how much it hurts. We communicate. Know what that is?" 

Jinyoung was taken aback. Youngjae made everything sound so simple. Jinyoung could see why Jaebeom kept him around. But was it really as simple as that? Just talk it out and everything would be sorted magically? It was hard to believe that Youngjae actually wanted him to talk to his boyfriend. That too about their broken relationship. Jinyoung for the life of him couldn't figure it out. Youngjae was weird. Really weird. But Jaebeom trusted him. If he was good enough for Jaebeom then he was good enough for Jinyoung. 

But then, Jaebeom trusted almost anyone who showed even an ounce of any redeeming quality. It was all too complicated and confusing to be worth it. Jinyoung would rather stay away from Jaebeom and end things on his own terms this time. 

"Think about it Hyung. I've asked Jaebeom Hyung to talk to you too, mull things over...sort things out like adults. Whenever you're ready." 

Jinyoung couldn't help glancing over at Jaebeom then, sitting with his arm slung over Jackson's shoulder, pretending to be focused on the game. But as soon as Jinyoung looked, Jaebeom glanced up and their eyes met. Jinyoung quickly looked away. Jaebeom was probably waiting for some sort of signal from Jinyoung that he was ready to talk.

Jinyoung felt his anger surge up again. Jaebeom had some nerve to keep any kind of expectations from Jinyoung after what he had pulled just a few hours ago. It was past midnight now. Jinyoung was on his third beer and drunker than was wise. He would rather sleep it off than listen to Jaebeom's misplaced accusations and assumptions again. But then, he couldn't deny that he was curious to know where they had come from in the first place. 

As Youngjae got up to leave, Jinyoung grabbed his hand. 

"Youngjae. Why are you doing this?" 

"Because I like you Hyung. And we can be really good friends, if only you and Hyung are willing."

"Why do you want to be my friend though?" 

"I have my reasons Hyung. I can't explain most of them, not well enough for you to understand anyway." 

"Give me one then. One good reason." 

"Okay how about this - I can't be really sure of my relationship with Jaebeom Hyung while you're both hung up over each other. Until you have both talked out your past and settled your scores, I can't build a future with him. That good enough?" 

"Jaebeom Hyung's not hung up over me." 

"Did he tell you that?" 

"More or less." 

"Then that's all the more reason to talk to him. So it's a definite yes, and you both know where you stand in each other's lives." 

"But-"

"Talk it out Hyung. It's high time. I need this as much as you two, trust me. Do it for me." 

Jinyoung continued to watch as Youngjae left him with an encouraging smile and then waved at Jaebeom. He saw Jaebeom get up with a glance in his direction and move towards the edge of the forest. Jinyoung still couldn't tell why Youngjae wanted him to talk to Jaebeom, he didn't even know if Jaebeom had anything more to say to him. 

But boy, did Jinyoung have words for him. 

His anger not placated in the least, Jinyoung stayed stubbornly in place. It seemed a bit childish, but in his drunken state it seemed like a good idea to make Jaebeom wait, to antagonize him. 

He looked around and noticed Jackson looking at Youngjae with a frown on his face. Youngjae had settled down across from him with an unconcerned air and immediately struck up an animated conversation with Bambam and Yugyeom.

Jinyoung couldn't understand Jackson's problem. As far as he knew, Youngjae and Jinyoung had just been making idle talk. But then he remembered that Jackson didn't really trust Youngjae, which seemed a bit stupid considering Youngjae was probably one of the most mature people Jinyoung had ever met. Not even Bambam could come close. 

Jinyoung sighed, getting up heavily and stumbling a bit. He was drunker than he had thought. Never being a fan of alcohol, Jinyoung was a bit of a lightweight. The beer was clearly going to his head and he needed to have his conversation with Jaebeom fast before he lost all his senses. He took his time walking upto Jaebeom, trying to keep his face stony and expressionless. 

"Hey.." said Jaebeom awkwardly. 

Jinyoung didn't say anything, he simply quickened his pace and marched right past him trying to remain upright, heading a little deeper into the forest. There were fairy lights strung up on the trees so they didn't really need a flashlight unless they strayed off the path. He could hear Jaebeom following in his wake. 

"You seem mad." Jaebeom panted. 

"Do I?" Jinyoung asked through gritted teeth as he finally stopped and turned around to face Jaebeom, his arms crossed to stop himself from punching him. Jaebeom stopped too. They could still hear the muffled laughter and shouts of their friends but it was very low now. They were more or less alone here. Just Jaebeom, Jinyoung and the rage boiling inside him. 

"Yes." said Jaebeom finally. 

"And you have no idea why?" Jinyoung asked testily. 

"Not really. But I'm here to talk." 

"How typical of you Jaebeom. Clueless as always." 

Jinyoung could see Jaebeom's anger rising too. Good, it felt good to transfer some of his own rage into Jaebeom. To fight. To scream. To hurt. To wound. 

"What? Did I not give you what you wanted? I thought you'd be happier after our last conversation" said Jaebeom, his voice lowered dangerously. 

And Jinyoung lost it. He let out a bitter laugh as he moved closer to Jaebeom and poked a shaking finger into his chest. 

"Typical, so typical Lim Jaebeom." he sneered. "If anyone knows how to turn things upside down, it is you. First you shower me with your own brand of obsessive attention for years, when I didn't even ask for it! Then when I finally find the will to tolerate it enough, you leave me without a warning! But oh no, that's not enough for the great, know-it-all Lim Jaebeom. No! Then you wanna play cupid trying to set me up with Yugyeom when I could do it bloody well myself without your fucking help!" 

No longer satisfied with just words, Jinyoung shoved Jaebeom with both palms on his chest, making him stagger back with an expression of complete shock on his face. 

"Oh I see it now!" said Jaebeom, recovering quickly and pushing back with equal force. "You weren't really complaining when you strung me and Yugyeom along for years. Did it feel good, messing with me _and_ my little brother at the same time? Did it make you feel powerful _Jinyoungie Hyung_?!" He spat. 

Jinyoung pushed him again. He was positively screaming now, 

"Soulmates! There was a time that I actually believed that you were the other half of my soul! That you could read me like no one else could! But I guess I was just a project to you, wasn't I? To satisfy your need to be the hero! A challenge you could fuck into submission! To prove to yourself that you are above the spoilt, useless, rich, fuck boy stereotype! Someone different! Someone special! Oh you had me fooled for years with all your pining and your puppy dog eyes and your tears! But then you left me! Like it had all meant nothing! Because it didn't! Got tired of playing the role didn't you? Ten years is a long fucking time, I get it! Guess you did have some self respect afterall asshole! Must have been hard being a door mat for this long, running after me like a lost puppy! Getting kicked all the time but still coming back wagging your tail like a damn lap dog! Must have made you feel so wanted, so useful, paying rent with your own money, doing odd jobs to show me up, like the fucking condescending jerk you are! As if getting disowned by your father gave you some kind of superiority over me you entitled bastard! Who the hell do you think you are that you can tell me who to love! I decide who I love, not you! I am not in love with Yugyeom, you selfish prick and I have never been! Get that through your thick skull! You don't fucking get to decide for me! It's always been _you_! I love _you_ and you can do nothing about it you fuckin-"

But the rest of his words were cut short as Jaebeom grabbed his collar and pulled him roughly in, his clenched jaw right in Jinyoung's face, his eyes blazing fire. 

And suddenly, everything fell into place - the world stopped spinning the wrong way, the ground stopped running away from under his feet and his heart stopped aching. Jinyoung felt finally at home as he stared back into Jaebeom's eyes, both breathing heavily, their eyes dropping slowly and deliberately to each other's lips.

Jinyoung wanted so badly to close those few inches and smash his mouth against Jaebeom's, but he was afraid. Jaebeom still gripped him tightly, still looked at his lips like he wanted to devour them, but he still hadn't made a move. They both held themselves back, teetering on the edge, scared out of their wits and overcome by want at the same time. 

Jinyoung couldn't help wondering how it would feel when they finally let it happen. It had been over a year. Would it still be the same? Every movement of their lips, every swirl of their tongues perfectly coordinated, their hands slotted perfectly on each other's bodies in their right places, the way they had always been. No one knew how to kiss Jinyoung better than Jaebeom. It had been Jaebeom after all who had taught him how to kiss in the first place. It felt right. So right.

Jinyoung hoped Jaebeom would forget all the venomous words he had spit at him so harshly. He hadn't meant any if it, and he knew Jaebeom hadn't meant it either. He could still bet his life on that. They'd both lashed out at each other, out of hurt and anger. Knowing exactly what words to use to make it hurt the most. 

Jinyoung slid his hands gently around Jaebeom's waist and pulled him closer, still maintaining the distance between their lips. The only sounds he could hear were the quiet rustling of trees, owls hooting somewhere in the distance, and their own heavy breathing. He felt his lips swell as blood rushed to them in anticipation of a touch he had been hungry for so long.

Slowly, Jinyoung slid his hands up from Jaebeom's waist all the way to his neck, getting re-acquainted with every ridge and every line of the body he knew as well as his own - the leanness of his waist, the firmness of his chest, the broadness of his shoulders, the frantic beating of his heart that matched his own, his Adam's apple, prominent as Jaebeom swallowed visibly and his grip on Jinyoung's collar tightened. Jinyoung tilted his head just by a fraction and licked his own lips. 

Jaebeom's gaze flitting constantly between his eyes and lips were indication enough that he wanted it too. There was no sense of time, no other presence around them, no other feeling but the heat that Jinyoung felt through his entire body. He was sure Jaebeom could feel it too, as he ghosted a finger over Jaebeom's lips and Jaebeom closed his eyes with a sigh. His hands still hadn't dropped from Jinyoung's collar, not daring to follow their usual movements, to snake all the way back to rest on the bend at his lower back like they always did, leaving a trail of fire on Jinyoung's body wherever they had touched.

Jaebeom looked mesmerized, as if under a spell. Not daring to let go of Jinyoung's collar and put his hands on him, but not moving away either. 

They both stood there, chest to chest, hips to hips, pressing impossibly closer and closer, grips getting tighter and tighter, the distance between their lips now only a sliver of air... 

This was it. This moment. The one that would decide their fates. If they decided to close the distance and give in to their undead feelings, there would be no going back. No do-overs. Youngjae had been right. They had both needed this.

Youngjae... 

As if on a signal, they both pushed at each other and sprang apart at the same time. Some mysterious power that had always connected their thoughts together seemed to have resurfaced somehow, making them both realize what they were about to do. Jaebeom looked as horrified as Jinyoung felt. 

"God...what am I doing...?" he said, his hands coming up to clutch at his face. 

"Hyung, it's okay-" 

"No, no, no! It's not okay! I have to find Youngjae. I have to talk to him-" 

"But Hyung, there's nothing to tell. You didn't even-" 

"No! This was a mistake. Jinyoung, don't you get it? I'm with Youngjae and I was about to kiss you!" 

"But you didn't! We stopped! We just got carried away for a moment! Look I'm sure Youngjae would understand-" said Jinyoung despite the guilt enveloping his own heart. 

"It doesn't matter! It's wrong! So wrong! I was about to break his trust! You were right! I'm just a fucking dog! So starved for attention! So selfish! So pathetic!" 

Jinyoung's heart stopped for a moment. 

"N-no, Hyung.." He stammered out. "That's not...I didn't mean any of that! Please calm down..." 

"God this was such a bad idea!" said Jaebeom clutching at his hair, pacing around frantically, "All I do is fuck things up! I told him-" 

Jinyoung grabbed Jaebeom's arm to stop him. His anxiety was now affecting Jinyoung and the guilt was killing him. Jaebeom had clearly been dealing with his own demons and they had managed to bring them out again together, probably destroyed every personal progress Jaebeom had made in the past few months. Jaebeom looked insane, pulling at his hair, his eyes wide and red, his body trembling all over, sweating heavily despite the freezing cold. He was clearly having a panic attack. Jinyoung had to do something. He had to pull Jaebeom back out of whatever dark place he was headed to. 

"Hyung. please! Listen to me! You're not pathetic. I didn't mean it-" 

"No Jinyoungie, it's true! I don't deserve you, either of you!" Jaebeom sobbed. "God, I do nothing but destroy things, so pathetic, so so pathetic-" 

"Hyung, please calm down, you didn't do anything, take a deep breath, come on..." Jinyoung said, using all his strength to remain calm himself and pull Jaebeom into his arms. 

He could feel Jaebeom shaking, every bone in his body seemed to rattle with unspoken agony. Jinyoung carded his fingers gently through Jaebeom's hair, holding his waist firmly with the other hand. 

" I can't--I can't do this anymore Jinyoung. Please, I need...I want... " 

But Jaebeom didn't seem to be able to articulate any further. 

"Hyung it's okay. You're going to be fine..."

"No, Jinyoung...you don't understand...you don't know..." said Jaebeom weakly trying to free himself now. 

"It's okay, you're okay.."

"No, it's not okay! You don't get it Jinyoung...I need...!" 

"Jaebeom! Baby, please! Calm down! You have me, I'm here..."Jinyoung raised his own voice slightly to quell Jaebeom's frantic struggling. 

Jinyoung's words rang loud in both their ears as Jaebeom stopped moving. Jinyoung froze too. 

Suddenly, Jaebeom threw himself into the hug and clutched at Jinyoung harder. The words appeared to have had a magical effect on him. His heart rate seemed to calm down and his breathing became more even. 

"It's okay, baby, it's okay..."

But then Jaebeom was pulling away again. He looked wild as he backed away from Jinyoung, scared, like a cornered animal. As if one move from Jinyoung and he would scamper away.

Jinyoung couldn't tell how long they both stood there, daring the other to make the first move. The words coming out of Jinyoung's mouth combined with what had almost happened earlier seemed to have shocked jaebeom's entire system.

Jinyoung had just wanted to soothe him. To assure him that he had done nothing wrong. To make sure he knew that Jinyoung hadn't meant what he had said. He hadn't meant to call Jaebeom by the pet name they used to call each other but it was the only way he knew that worked on Jaebeom. 

And for a moment, it seemed to have worked again. Jinyoung's heart jumped despite himself.

But now, as he saw the roller coaster of emotions flit across Jaebeom's face, it was obvious that he had just made things worse. 

"What are you two doing here?" 

Jackson's loud voice snapped their attention away from each other and they both turned in unison to look at him. They had forgotten the existence of anyone but themselves. 

Jinyoung glanced at Jaebeom who still looked like his soul had left his body, so he decided to break the tension himself. 

"We took a walk. What are you doing here?" 

"I came to look for you." said Jackson staring hard at Jaebeom, clearly picking up on his distress. 

"Why? Was Youngjae looking for Jaebeom Hyung?"

"Not exactly..."

"Then let's go back. We're done here."

Jaebeom finally seemed to unfreeze himself enough to follow them through the forest trail. He didn't speak another word. 

Jaebeom slammed his way in to his and Youngjae's bedroom and switched off all lights. He kicked off his shoes, pulled his shirt and jacket up over his head together and threw himself in bed, dressed only in his jeans. Within minutes the entire room was filled with the sound of uncontrolled sobs and wailing. 

It had been months, months since he had cried like this. He had been making such good progress, getting his life back on track, working on his relationship with Youngjae, his friendship with Jinyoung and he had clearly been succeeding. Things were exactly how they were supposed to be.

So why was his heart clawing at his chest on the inside, trying to rip it open? The pain, the agony, it was beyond what he had ever felt. The words he had waited so long to hear from Jinyoung, they now seemed like hot pokers. It was too late. They couldn't be together. Youngjae was involved now. They couldn't be together without hurting him.

A tiny part of his brain that could still function was glad that they had both pulled away, that he had resisted the temptation again.

But it had been a close call this time. Too close. 

Jaebeom would rather die than wish this kind of agony on anyone, the pain, the ache, and Jinyoung's words, his cruel words...

In his darkest hours, he had suspected Jinyoung of feeling that way. But hearing his deepest insecurities being spoken out loud, spit back on his face with so much hatred...God, it hurt! Even when they had fought before, Jinyoung had never looked at him like that, never!

It was taking over his entire body, as he felt the trembling and the shivers start again. The wounded animal noises ripped out of his throat repeatedly and involuntarily, as he pounded his fists onto the mattress and bit down hard on a pillow to try and muffle a scream. The pain, the pain, he was dying again. 

There was only one thing he could think of to make it go away but he didn't have it with him now. Youngjae had made sure to keep him away from it.

Youngjae... 

And like an answer to his prayers, the door to his room opened suddenly and he felt warm hands immediately pull his head up and onto a lap. He wrapped his arms tight around Youngjae's waist and buried his head in it as Youngjae laced his own around his back and whispered into his ears, his voice slightly frantic but still soothing. 

"It's okay Hyung. It's okay. I've got you. It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay..."

"Youngjae" Jaebeom wailed, fresh tears streaming down his face.

"Youngjae...you shouldn't be here...you shouldn't be with me...I don't...I-I almost..." 

Youngjae hesitated for a moment. But only for a moment. 

"Hyung, it's okay, I trust you, I know you'd never hurt anyone on purpose, it's okay...."

"No! Youngjae, please, I want...I need-" 

"You can't Hyung, remember? You can't! You've been doing so well. I'm here. You don't need it anymore. I'm here!" 

"Please, please, make it go away! Please! I'm going to die! Youngjae, please!" 

"I'm here, shh, it's okay, Hyung! You're not going to die. I won't let you die. It's me Hyung remember? It's Youngjae. You trust me right? I'll make it go away, I promise." said Youngjae, his voice strong and calm.

It was several hours before Jaebeom fell into a fitful sleep, face swollen, tears still streaming from his eyes occasionally, clutching at Youngjae like a man drowning as he sunk back into his nightmares once more.

Jaebeom woke up late next afternoon to a raging headache and eyes so swollen, he could barely open them. Youngjae was gone and his throat hurt, his body hurt, everything hurt. But nothing could compare to the pain in his heart. 

He sat up in bed slowly, weak and drained. Before he could pull himself out of bed or call out to Youngjae, a glass of water and a pill were being thrust under his nose.

"We need to talk." 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung realizes the power of words. Jinyoung and Jaebeom make a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: MENTIONS OF DRUG USE AND MENTION OF (Almost) NON-CON NEAR THE END OF THE CHAPTER. 
> 
> Happy belated Valentine's day guys. I wanted to put this chapter out so bad on that date. But I couldn't find time to edit and I didn't want to put out anything less than acceptable for the sake of a deadline. So here it is!  
> As always, thank you for the kudos, comments and bookmarks. Thank you for still sticking with me even if Jinyoung and Jaebeom make you cry, mad and want to beat them up. 😂💚

* * *

"Jinyoungie, get over here, you have to see this!"

"Where are you?" 

"Over here, to your right!" 

"I can't tell my right from my left in all this you idiot!" Jinyoung pushed back angrily at the green foliage pushing against his body and walked deeper into the forest, further away from the path. Bright green sunlight filtered down from the trees above.

Green?

It was his favorite color. Probably just a trick of his mind to quell his rising panic. 

"Hyung you know this is dangerous right?! Maybe there's no animals here but the ground's tricky, you could break your neck!"

After another few minutes of solitude, Jinyoung wasn't sure about the animals anymore. 

"What if some wild cat's been living here, under the radar? Did you think about that, hanh?!" He called out. 

Jaebeom didn't answer back this time. Jinyoung realized he probably couldn't hear him now, but talking kept the panic at bay. 

"Wait till I find you Lim Jaebeom, I'm gonna kill you myself! No wait! I'll let appa do the job, even better!" 

"Jinyoung!" came Jaebeom's voice again, muffled but discernible. He was close. Good. Jinyoung was feeling his panic escalating every moment. 

"Hyung...I can hear you now!" His voice broke a little as the fear crept up to his throat. 

There was silence again. 

"Hyung?! What the fuck! Keep calling my name, I'll find you!!" 

He pushed through the green some more, but all he could see was more green, all he could hear - tiny animal noises, insects, mysterious rustlings... 

And birds. 

It could be his imagination, but the birds seemed to be following him, chirping brightly in so many different tongues he couldn't differentiate between their species, talking to him, watching over him, as if they sensed his distress. He felt a tiny bit of comfort, despite the constant clenching in his stomach. It was a bright sunny day but everything was enveloped by a sheen of green. And Jinyoung was left alone. 

"Hyung?! Jinyoung's voice was considerably weak now. 

There was a constant itch in his nose, wether real or phantom, he couldn't tell. He had to find Jaebeom before his voice stopped working completely. That had always been his instinctive reaction to any kind of unexpected situation. 

"Hyung, where are you?!" 

There was a sudden loud rustling in the tangle of overgrown shrubs behind him and a dark figure fell out, lunging at him with a grunt. 

"Aaarghh!" 

"Jinyoungie, it's me!" 

"Let go let go of me, oh my God....!" 

"Jinyoung it's me!! It's Jaebeom!" 

Jinyoung stopped struggling, to find Jaebeom still trying to grab at him, almost doubled up with laughter.

So, he punched him in the arm. Hard. 

"OW, what the...!" 

"How could you leave me like that?!" 

"Oh God I'm so sorry, I thought you would come find me...wait, why is your face wet?...Have you been crying for Hyung, little Nyeongwi taengwie?" Jaebeom cooed with an evil smirk, pulling Jinyoung into a choke hold and ruffling his hair. 

"Let go off me jerk!" Jinyoung snapped, pushing Jaebeom away and swiping at his own face angrily. His hand came away dry. 

"Gotcha!" said Jaebeom laughing and pulling him into his arms again, "You're so easy babe!" 

"Fuck you." said Jinyoung struggling weakly again, before giving in as Jaebeom stroked his hair soothingly, still trying to control his laughter. 

"On that promising note, I found what we came here for." He said suddenly, pushing Jinyoung away excitedly. 

"Correction - I didn't come here voluntarily, you _dragged_ me here!" said Jinyoung with a sullen pout. 

"Come on, you won't believe it, the most amazing thing...!" said Jaebeom, ignoring the jibe. 

"Jaebeommah, wha-?" said Jinyoung as Jaebeom grabbed his hand suddenly and pulled him back the way he'd come. 

"We're both going to get lost now!" 

"No we're not." 

"We're off the path!" 

"This is a forest Jinyoungie not a jungle, keep it together." 

"Don't tell me to "keep it together" when you just left me like that!"

"I'm sorry, I got excited. Won't happen again, promise! But remember that website Bam sent us, where this place was listed? Someone mentioned something in the reviews and I just needed to see..." 

"See what?" 

"Humor me on this, okay!" 

"Don't I always? I swear if you get us lost...!" 

"What? We're star-crossed lovers, we die in each other's arms, our friends throw a party, my parents finally tolerate each other enough and manufacture another son to bully, end of story." said Jaebeom pausing to look this way and that before deciding on another direction. 

"You're so morbid, and disgusting." 

"And you have great taste in men."

Before Jinyoung could do more than open his mouth to snap out a snarky retort, he was stopped short by Jaebeom pulling him through a tangle of roots to reveal the most magnificent sight he had ever laid eyes on. 

"A waterfall! A damn waterfall in the middle of the forest!" said Jaebeom. So excited, he was almost shivering.

Jinyoung was speechless, overwhelmed. 

Bright sunlight, yellow this time, beamed off a wide stream of crystal clear water dashing down gently to meet the narrow river that fought with the forest greenery on both sides. It wound its way past the rocks they were standing on, reflecting rainbow colors everywhere and disappearing under the thick branches hanging over it on both sides, probably on its way to form another waterfall further down the cliff. The one Jaebeom had found wasn't too high, just a few feet above their heads, so the sound of water was a low soothing murmur, instead of a harsh rushing. There were tiny, colorful birds Jinyoung didn't even know the names of, perched near a calm miniature pool on the side, dipping their beaks in before letting out tiny chirping noises. He could hear cuckoos singing somewhere, but he couldn't be sure. 

He turned around to look at Jaebeom, unable to speak or show any emotion. But those were the days when Jaebeom didn't need him to. He beamed right back at him, as if he'd painted that paradise for Jinyoung himself. 

"Magical, isn't it?" He asked as a cool breeze wafted over them, ruffling the ends of his long hair peeking out from below his bucket hat, his voice hushed, as if one loud noise would break the spell and destroy the dream world around them. 

And in that moment, Jinyoung forgot everything else - their mild bickering over Jaebeom's increased need for intimacy that caused their friends to tease and groan ever since they'd arrived, their more heated argument over Jinyoung being too busy trying to get reception on his work phone the entire morning, to Jaebeom finally throwing a tantrum big enough to convince Jinyoung for a walk into the forest. 

Suddenly, Jaebeom lunged at something behind Jinyoung and Jinyoung almost slid off the rocks and into the river in surprise. 

"Look Jinyoungie!" said Jaebeom catching him with a strong grip with one hand and holding out the other closed in a loose fist, before releasing whatever he had trapped inside.

It was a small, electric blue butterfly. Jinyoung was just glad Jaebeom hadn't ended up crushing it with his enthusiasm. It fluttered by Jinyoung's ears and made a full circuit of his head before changing its mind and fluttering back towards Jaebeom to settle down on his shoulder.

"Wow, it seems to like me!" said Jaebeom, clearly very pleased with himself. Jinyoung simply watched him, a tiny smile forming on his face. Jaebeom looked beautiful, even with his bucket hat and his baggy pants and his favorite t-shirt so worn out there were tiny holes at the bottom. 

"We're going on vacation Jinyoungie. For all intents and purposes, we should both be rolling around naked the whole week." he'd said sagely, noticing Jinyoung's exasperated look as they left his dorm and climbed into Jaebeom's car. 

But in that moment, Jinyoung wouldn't have him any other way, his smile so bright that his teeth glistened with the reflected light of the sun, his eyes almost non-existent with mirth, his moles just visible from under his long bangs. Jinyoung reached out then, to remove his hat and push his hair away so he could see them clearly. 

As Jaebeom looked at him with more love than should have been possible for one person to hold, Jinyoung traced his fingers along Jaebeom's moles, along his hairline, all the way to his ear and down his neck to tangle his fingers where his long hair curled slightly, just shy of reaching his shoulder. 

"You know this butterfly reminds me of you" said Jaebeom, as he closed the distance between them, his hands coming to rest on Jinyoung's hips, before sliding slowly to the small of his back. 

His bright smile had faded a little, but his eyes had come alive with a completely different kind of excitement. 

And this time, Jinyoung made the first move, as he bent down to place a kiss on Jaebeom's shoulder right next to the butterfly, which fluttered away. 

"How so?" Asked Jinyoung quietly, his lips dragging gently along Jaebeom's collar, to nuzzle his neck, as his palms slid up his shoulders. 

"It's blue - cold and beautiful, just like you. And, it seems to like my shoulders too." said Jaebeom with a breathy chuckle before his breath hitched as Jinyoung caught an earring between his teeth and tugged lightly. 

"Cold and beautiful eh? Maybe you should name it after me too." Said Jinyoung, blowing air into Jaebeom's ear as he slid his hands further up to lace them around Jaebeom's neck. 

"What do you think about Jinyoung junior then? JR for short?" Jaebeom whispered, his voice husky, as a slight shudder ran through his entire body. 

"Disgusting." Said Jinyoung and Jaebeom pulled him in with a sharp tug on his waist. 

"Did you just call me disgusting a second time?" 

"Third. If you count your holey shirt too."

"Don't lie. You love my clothes. Easy to remove. Just the way you like it." 

"Ah, you've caught me..." said Jinyoung, smiling against the corner of his lips. 

"I love you" Jaebeom whispered suddenly. 

Jinyoung didn't pause. He'd become used to Jaebeom's random declarations of love for a while now. They would catch him off guard initially, but when he realized that Jaebeom didn't really need him to say it back, he got used to it. So much, that he would feel empty if a day passed by without Jaebeom saying it to him. So he answered back the way he always did, with his lips on Jaebeom's. And that seemed to be enough for him, evident by how tight he held Jinyoung, how deep his tongue delved inside Jinyoung's mouth and how Jinyoung could feel him getting harder and harder every second. 

Within minutes their clothes had been abandoned in a hurry on the rocks below them and Jaebeom had found a soft patch of moss to push Jinyoung down on and slide inside him without much preparation. 

"I'm sorry, I just really want you right now." He said, not sounding too regretful.

Jinyoung chuckled as he trailed his hands down Jaebeom's waist and grabbed his hips to pull him in deeper. 

"You're not going to break me Hyung. I'm a strong guy." He whispered in between gasps. 

"But you might run away if I'm not too careful." Said Jaebeom with a mischievous wink even as he panted harder with every thrust. 

"I won't run away Hyung." Said Jinyoung, his smile fading as his face darkened. 

"Okay." Said Jaebeom, chuckling as he lowered his forehead to rest it against Jinyoung's heart, his long hair splayed all over Jinyoung's chest as he quickened the pace of his thrusts. 

Jaebeom hadn't said it in a condescending manner at all, yet Jinyoung couldn't help the pain in his heart at Jaebeom's easy acceptance of most of his callousness. He carded his fingers through a clump of soft hair and tugged lightly to get Jaebeom's attention. 

"I love you."

Jaebeom froze with his mouth still pressed against Jinyoung's chest. 

"What did you say?" He asked slowly, without raising his head, his breathing heavy. 

Jinyoung felt goosebumps raise up all over his body as his heart rate sped up faster than before. He was sure Jaebeom could feel it too as he placed a finger gently under his chin and made jaebeom look him in the eye.

"I love you." 

"Listen, I know I'm good in bed but..." Jaebeom began with a nervous chuckle, clearly in denial. 

"I love you." 

"You don't have to-Jinyoungie, I didn't say it to make you-" 

"I love you."

Jinyoung sprang out of bed and into the bathroom, clutching at the toilet as he heaved for what felt like the hundredth time. There was nothing to vomit out, when he hadn't eaten atall last night. Talking to Jaebeom after having so much beer on an empty stomach, filled with anger, had been one of the best disaster scenarios his brain could have come up with.

And then there were his dreams...no, it wasn't a dream this time, it was a memory, so vivid and clear. This place was driving him crazy. After what happened last night, Jinyoung couldn't trust himself asleep or awake. His emotions, his memories, they were all eating at him. They were making him say things, do things that he would have never done back in the city. Was it a result of his therapy? Had his brain been re-wired to such an extent that he had absolutely no inhibitions left at all? No pause, no consideration, no hesitation? 

Jackson couldn't have chosen a worst time to appear either. He had fidgeted uncomfortably the whole time they'd been walking back to the fire. Before any of their friends could even look up from their cards, Jaebeom had quickened his pace and almost ran inside the house leaving Jinyoung to face his friends and their questioning glances. Jinyoung had decided to just ignore them too, and dragged his feet back to his own room, wishing the week would just magically end by tomorrow so he could pack his bags and go back home. Why hadn't he brought his own car? There wasn't a cab service available for miles. Was it worth throwing a tantrum, ruining the others' vacations too so he could make Jackson drive him home? So he and Jaebeom could continue with putting the final seal on everything they'd built together for years? 

There was a sudden knock on the bathroom door Jinyoung had kicked shut with his leg. 

"What?" Jinyoung croaked. 

"Hyung, it's me." 

Youngjae...things just keep getting better and better, thought Jinyoung in a panic. 

"I-I'm not in the best state right now." 

"I know Hyung. That's why I'm here. Just open up." 

Jinyoung wanted to hide, run, do anything but face Youngjae after what he'd done last night. He didn't know if Jaebeom had told Youngjae about their almost-kiss yet. Even if Youngjae and Jaebeom shared everything, it still wasn't something you tell your boyfriend proudly. But Youngjae must have surely guessed that something had happened. The state in which Jaebeom had left would have been indication enough to even the most emotionally blind person. Youngjae must hate Jinyoung so much.

But they had to face each other sooner or later. Better get it over with soon, so they could both finally accept that the trip was one huge mistake on both their parts and start packing. 

He took a deep breathe and opened the door slowly, still slumped on the floor beside the toilet. 

"Here, have this." Said Youngjae extending a glass of water and a pill. 

Jinyoung took them from him gingerly and swallowed the pill obediently. If Youngjae was going to poison him, he probably deserved it anyway, he thought with a bitter laugh.

"Jaebeom Hyung's not okay either." 

Jinyoung wasn't surprised at that, but he was surprised that Youngjae wasn't screaming and kicking at him as he said that. 

"I'm sorry." Said Jinyoung. "It was a terrible idea in the first place and I don't know how to make it better, but I am sorry." He didn't think mentioning _whose_ terrible idea it was would earn him any brownie points. 

"But you _do_ know. How to make it better. Both of you!" Said Youngjae, his nostrils flaring. "Remember what we talked about last night?" 

"And how did that end up Youngjae?" 

"I didn't know you were so damn drunk. You could have waited until you'd sobered up. What did you even say to him? I haven't seen him this broken for months!" 

There was a ringing silence as Jinyoung found the words to speak, to explain. 

"We both said things..."

"Are you proud of it?"

"Ofcourse not! Do you think I wanted to hurt Jaebeom like that?"

"Well neither did Jaebeom Hyung, so why the fuck do you both keep doing this to each other?" 

Jinyoung bit his lip. He'd been asking the same question to himself all morning. 

"You have to fix this. Both of you." 

"No. Youngjae. After what happened last night-" 

"I don't care what happened last night! Once you're feeling better, I need you both to talk to each other, sober! If you want, I can send in Mark Hyung or Jackson to act as buffer. We're going to end this, one way or another!" 

"What? No way, I don't think-" 

"You'll never get another chance like this, don't you get it? Do you really see yourself meeting over coffee to talk out your issues once we get back to Seoul?" 

There was a long pause as Jinyoung looked at Youngjae. 

"No..." he finally admitted in a small voice. 

"Exactly. Rest well. Jaebeom Hyung hasn't woken up yet. I'm not sure he's going to anytime soon. But once he does, you're both going to get your act together and talk. Like adults this time." 

"Youngjae why do you keep doing this?" Jinyoung said, feeling frustrated again, backed into a corner. 

"I gave you my reasons. I would've told you more after last night, but I don't think I can anymore. Not now that I've seen what you can do with your tongue once you get mad." said Youngjae, his voice shaking. 

Jinyoung watched as Youngjae picked up the glass of water gently and left the room, without his warm smile this time. 

Before Jinyoung could do anything more than sink his head back over the toilet bowl, overcome with fresh heaves, he heard another set of heavy footsteps behind him and large hands rubbing soothing circles on his back. 

"Jinyoungie, I'm here." Said Mark, holding out a glass of water. 

Jinyoung could feel another presence beside him, and he was pretty sure it was Yugyeom but he couldn't bring himself to turn around and face him. Not after what Jaebeom had said last night. 

"I'm going to be okay Hyung." 

"Do you need a painkiller? I've got one here." 

"No. Youngjae gave it to me already." 

"Yeah I saw him leaving." he heard Jackson say from the door, "What did he-" he began, but he was interrupted by Mark. 

"Let him breathe!" 

"I'm fine Hyung. It's just a hangover." 

"No it's not!" Bambam called out from somewhere in the bedroom. "We saw you and Jaebeom Hyung coming out of the forest looking daggers at each other."

Yugyeom still hadn't spoken a word.

"Listen you don't have to tell us-" said Mark. 

"Yes you do" said Bambam. "Remember what happened last time you-" 

"He doesn't have to tell us everything word for word Bambam! Leave him alone!" Yugyeom snapped suddenly, putting a hand under Jinyoung's arm and pulling him up firmly. "Jeez, look at you..." he said, pushing the others aside and leading Jinyoung carefully back to bed.

He made Jinyoung remove his shirt while Bambam ran to bring a fresh one out of his cupboard. Jinyoung pulled it on, feeling a little self conscious. Once he was dressed and leaning back against his pillows, Yugyeom sat down next to him, taking his hand. 

"I'm not on my death bed. Stop looking at me like that." 

"Then stop acting like you're alone." Said Yugyeom angrily. "I'm here, we're all here. Isn't it enough? Am I not enough?" 

Jinyoung felt himself go red, he saw Jackson and Bambam shift, so discreet he might have just imagined it, but Mark and Yugyeom didn't seem ruffled at all. Mark just nodded encouragingly at Yugyeom before speaking. 

"Yugyeom's right. We're here for you. You don't have to tell us what happened but you can talk to us whenever you've sorted things out, okay?" 

"Okay."

"We're gonna go." Said Mark looking around at the others. "And you..." he said turning back to Jinyoung. "You stay right there, until you've had some food and water in your stomach. You hear me?" 

"Yes Hyung, I will." said Jinyoung rolling his eyes. Big mistake, as the pounding in his head became more insistent. 

"I'll bring you some soup" said Jackson hurrying out of the room. 

"Good. Let's go!" said Mark shooing the two youngest boys out of the room and closing the door gently behind him. 

As his headache dulled down to a low throb after a while, Jackson stumbled in again with a tray of steaming broth, closely followed by Mark. Jinyoung braced himself for what he knew was coming. 

"Here, eat this." 

"Your mom's recipe?" 

"The very same."

"Thanks Seunnah. I owe you one."

"Why was Youngjae in here Jinyoung?" Mark asked, cutting straight to the point as usual. 

Jinyoung paused to swallow. 

"To talk." 

"About?" 

"Last night." 

"And?" 

"And he wants me to try and talk to Jaebeom Hyung again." 

"Again?" 

"Yeah. He was the one who told us to talk last night." 

"Why would he do that?" Jackson asked. 

"He had reasons. Said he couldn't tell me all of them but that he needed us to end our fight so they can move forward in their relationship." 

"Wise of him." said Mark thoughtfully. 

"Yes." Said Jinyoung starting on the soup again. 

"I would have given you the same advice Jinyoungie, but coming from Youngjae and especially after what happened last night? I don't know..." Jackson said. 

"It's okay. I'm not going to listen to him ever again. Not after last night." 

"But you have to." Said Mark. 

"What?" 

"You have to talk to Jaebeom. You just chose a very wrong time." 

"No way! We're going to end up punching each other this time, you mark my words." 

"That bad hunh?" 

"Yep." Said Jinyoung darkly, taking another bite. 

"I think it's a good thing. Even if it did end up the way it did." said Jackson. 

"What? How?" 

"You didn't get to blow up last time. You guys simply stopped talking. Now that you're done letting off some steam, you can really get down to business." 

"It's not that simple Seunnah. I said things..." 

"I'm sure you both did." said Mark. 

"Yes, but...God I'm such a prick..."

"No you're not. You're just hurt. And you have to tell him that without disguising it with anger." 

"I'm sure he doesn't want to talk to me, or have anything to do with me anymore." 

"Oh, but I have a feeling that your magic fairy Youngjae will take care of that." Jackson interrupted again, rolling his eyes. 

"Why do you despise him so much? Mark asked Jackson suddenly. 

"I don't despise him. I just don't trust him. Anyway, that's besides the point. Jinyoungie, you have to talk to Jaebeom Hyung." 

"I can't Seunnah. Not now."

"Take your time then." Said Mark. "Think over it. All the things you want to say to him. Then go talk. Calmly." 

"You sure?" 

"You know it's the only way Jinyoungie or you'll never have closure. And after that, I think we should cut this trip short. That would be best for everyone." 

"Missing Noona already Mark Hyung?" Said Jackson with a teasing smile. 

"Shut up JiEr." 

"Woah woah. I was just teasing, _YiEn_." 

Mark ignored it. 

"Did you talk to Jaebeom like I told you to?" He asked Jackson. 

"I did. Yesterday. Knocked some sense into him, before Jinyoungie and his beer here messed shit up." 

"Why don't you and Youngjae get together, open a counseling business exclusively for defending Jaebeom Hyung? You'd be great together!" Said Jinyoung scathingly. 

"What is with you and Jaebeom Hyung and taking sides?! Why are you two so hell bent on splitting us up too?!" Said Jackson going slightly pink with anger.

"We don't need to be professional counselors to care about either of you, to be your friends." Said Mark sternly. 

Jinyoung felt ashamed. 

"I'm sorry. I guess I'm just projecting." 

"It's okay." Jackson sniffed, looking away. 

"You are though. A good friend. In every sense of the word." 

"Yeah well, I've known that since the first time you caught me staring at your ass and friend zoned me immediately." Said Jackson rolling his eyes. 

"Don't remind me." Said Jinyoung picking up his spoon again, his mind jumping immediately to Jaebeom's feelings about him and Yugyeom. Jaebeom had never had a problem with Jackson who would openly flirt with Jinyoung all the time in school. 

But then Jaebeom probably knew Jackson was always joking. It was all just an exercise to keep Jinyoung on his toes and bring him out of his shell. Jackson was a literal ball of sunshine and energy. Again, Jinyoung wondered why Jaebeom would choose to love him when he was thick as thieves with someone like Jackson. 

"So no chance of changing your mind, even after all these years?" Said Jackson bringing him out of his reverie. 

"Shut up." Said Jinyoung shoving Jackson hard and accidentally knocking over his soup. 

"Arghh! You fucking idiot, it's scalding...!" 

But Jinyoung only laughed along with Mark as Jackson ran to the bathroom to soak his shirt, muttering curses all the way. 

"I was waiting for you to wake up." 

"Sorry, I didn't see you sitting there." said Jaebeom, not meeting his eyes. 

"It's okay. I understand..." said Jinyoung. 

They were both quiet for a minute. 

"Hyung, what have you done to yourself...?" said Jinyoung, putting away the glass of water on the bedside table and turning back to look at Jaebeom's ravaged face. 

"Dunno." Said Jaebeom, his voice barely audible. "What you said last night, at the end, that word...I haven't heard it from you in a while." 

"Why, what does Youngjae call you?" 

"Hyung." 

"Oh. Sorry I didn't mean to pry." 

"No. Really. He just calls me Hyung. And we haven't said...you know, the L word. We're still...figuring things out." 

"He's strange, that one." 

"He is. But he's a good guy." 

"I know. And wise beyond his years...You okay now?" Jinyoung asked. 

"I guess...You?"

"I think so." Jinyoung had never felt more sober in his life.

"So what do we do now?" Asked Jaebeom. 

"We talk. I guess." Said Jinyoung.

"Sure you won't scream at me again?" Jaebeom asked, sounding like a scared child. 

Jinyoung felt the guilt surge up again. 

"No. No more screaming. I promise."

They both fell quiet. 

"You know I didn't mean any of it Hyung..." 

"I know...I know you didn't mean to hurt me. Doesn't change the fact that I screwed up big time." 

"No shit."

Jaebeom looked down again, drowning in his own sorrow. 

"But so did I" Jinyoung added. "Before and after our breakup. We did this to ourselves, together."

"So we both admit we screwed up. That's progress I guess." Said Jaebeom, a small smile forming on his face, to Jinyoung's relief. 

"I guess. You sound like my therapist though." Said Jinyoung returning his smile with a sigh. "Who, by the way, will not be happy by what happened last night."

"Wanna sit somewhere? I think this is going take a while." Jaebeom asked. 

"Yeah. Me too. Lots to talk about. You go first. It's only fair." said Jinyoung, sitting down on the edge, next to Jaebeom's legs stretched out on the bed. 

"I just..." Jaebeom paused, seemingly trying to form a sentence in the least offensive way possible. "I just want to clarify one thing first. About you and Yugyeom. Please don't tell me there's nothing. I have known that kid since we were practically babies. I know the way he looks at you."

Jinyoung sighed heavily. He'd wanted to talk about this himself. So they could both move on and never talk about it ever again. 

"I can't tell you about Yugyeom's feelings. That's his personal business and you need to ask him yourself. But you were right about one thing. Only partially though..." Jinyoung closed his eyes and took a deep breathe before continuing. "I did consider him, once, for just a moment. After our breakup. When you told us about you and Youngjae. I kind of lost it. I called Yugyeom over to, you know...But the moment I saw him I realized I didn't feel anything. Never had. He's always been my best friend, not a brother exactly, but something different, deeper, I love him and I can't live without him, but that's just it. I hated myself for even considering making him a rebound. I couldn't recognize myself. I wasn't even drunk, there was no excuse, I felt so disgusted..."

"Stop, Jinyoung. It's okay. I'm no one to judge. You tried to find comfort where you were most sure of it. It wasn't wrong of you to want to try. And you stopped immediately when you realized you didn't feel it. So no harm done. What happened then?"

Jinyoung felt the tension leaving his shoulders slowly but surely as he continued. He'd been holding back on this memory for so long. Ashamed and guilty. Even Yugyeom didn't know of his intentions that night. 

"So we talked about mundane things, and he was clearly mad because I refused to talk about our breakup and my feelings, what I had been doing to cope...that was the last time he came over."

"And what is it that you'd been doing?" 

"Therapy." 

"What?" 

"Yeah." 

"Jinyoung I'm so sorry..."

"It's not just because of you, not completely. I have had issues for a while. Our breakup just made it more obvious that I needed to get help. The depression after our breakup was the cherry on top. So I decided to try." 

Jinyoung took another deep breath as Jaebeom watched him mournfully. 

"What you need to know Hyung, is that I was with you because I loved you. Not out of pity because you were starved for love, not because you were throwing yourself at me all the time and I didn't respect your feelings, not because it made me feel powerful to have a hot, rich guy follow me around so loyally. None of that. You were good to me. Always. You were just a really good person. And I've never been in love with Yugyeom or anyone else ever since I first met you. Not even before that. It's always been you."

Jaebeom looked down again. 

"Would it be insensitive if I say - same?" He mumbled. 

"Kind of."

"Then same." 

Jinyoung chuckled. 

"I hate you so much..." 

Jaebeom was quiet. 

"Hyung, you're supposed to say "same" again. Carry on the joke. Damn you've lost your touch."

"I can't. Not even when I'm joking." Jaebeom said, shaking his head firmly. 

"Great, now I'm the insensitive jerk again." 

"Exactly." Said Jaebeom, a mischievous smile building on his face. "Gotcha!" 

"You set me up!" Jinyoung said, letting out a disbelieving laugh. 

"Sorry. That's all the revenge I can take from you for last night."

"Fair enough." Said Jinyoung, nudging his knee with his own gently. 

"I guess I'm going to have to talk to Yugyeom too." said Jaebeom with a sigh. "He must have gone through so much, watching us together all those years and then our breakup...But I don't know how to talk to him about this. I don't want to say the wrong thing and hurt him like I hurt you. He's always been the little brother I never had. We've been friends for years, since before we even met you. I still have a picture of a three year old me holding baby Gyeom at the hospital. His parents have always been close to mine. I was his first best friend. His Hyung. We comforted and protected each other through everything..." 

"Is that why you never asked him about me, even though you always suspected?" Jinyoung asked gently. 

"I trusted you both to do the right thing. I still do." Jaebeom said with a shrug. 

"That actually means a lot Hyung." 

Jaebeom smiled at him. 

"I wish you'd trusted me in other things too. Trusted that I loved you the same as you loved me." Said Jinyoung. 

"I know that now Jinyoungie. But you have no idea...you can't even imagine...you won't understand."

"Then tell me. Make me understand. What exactly were you feeling when you decided to leave me?" 

"You sound like a therapist too." 

"I did steal that line from her. She's good." 

Jaebeom smiled before turning away with a sigh. His face now sported a slight frown as he collected his thoughts. 

"You don't know what it was like. All those years spent waiting and then finally getting to be with you, sleeping and waking up next to you. I thought my life was complete, that it couldn't get any better than this...But after a while I realized, nothing had changed. The feeling of loneliness only intensified. I'm weak too Jinyoung. You have to understand. I've held on for so long, desperately because I knew some part of you loved me too. I knew you were trying, but the more I tried to break your walls down, the more you seemed to run away from me. I didn't know why you kept pushing me away. Even after all those years together. It felt like even Yugyeom was allowed inside that little bubble of your mind, but not me. The first time you told me you loved me out loud was when we'd already been dating for two years right in this very forest. I was so happy I decided to propose that night, before you changed your mind. Do you know what that's like? To second guess your lover's every move? To be certain about them one moment and then the next you're left wondering if they even know you exist? To everyone else, you missing important dates or our anniversary or forgetting to kiss me goodbye in the morning, it probably means nothing. But try living with uncertainty for years and then have to face it for the rest of your life. To have to make the first move every time. To not know if your hugs, or your kisses or your declarations of love will be reciprocated every time. Ever since I've known you, I've only wanted you. Yes I gave up on my family to be with you, but it wasn't so I could hold some kind of power over you. _You_ were my family. You and our friends. I was happy because now I was finally equal to you. Finally, you couldn't snap at me for not understanding your situation, why you had to work hard, because I was working too. I wrote music for you, I worked hard to catch up so I wouldn't be a burden, so we could be truly equals. I thought I was living the dream...But nothing changed. You told me you loved me everytime I got mad or when you could tell it was getting too much for me. But you just weren't there! We were existing together, that's all, not living."

Jaebeom pinched his eyes closed, but not before Jinyoung had already seen the tears beginning to form again. 

"And in the end nothing mattered. You didn't stop me when I finally left. You never did before either." 

Jaebeom took a deep breath as Jinyoung waited patiently for him to continue. 

"I know now. I know why. What you were going through yourself. But I didn't know then, because we weren't really talking. I could sense it, I tried to talk to you, tried to force it out of you, but you'd simply shut down. It was like you would turn into this complete stranger. You'd avoid me, stay back at work, ignore my calls... like you were trying to run away from my questions without actually leaving me. I didn't know what to do. Even after I left, we just stopped talking. I did bad things then Jinyoung. When you didn't call me back. And I'm still ashamed of them."

"Tell me."said Jinyoung. 

"I can't." 

"You have to Jaebeom. If you can't tell me, then there's no point to this. I need to know how bad it was. So we can both help each other move on from this." 

Jaebeom played with the edge of his comforter for a while as Jinyoung waited patiently for him to gather the courage. 

"I still drink your favorite coffee, you know...that cinnamon Latte I make, that you love so much? I eat your favorite food. I stopped collecting books because that was our thing, I keep re-reading your favorites, the ones I made Jackson bring to me after I left. I didn't really notice that I was doing it until you were bang infront of me again..."

Jinyoung felt tears spring up in his eyes. They were both the same, even in grief. Trying to hold on to parts of each other despite tearing themselves apart. But Jinyoung knew there was more. 

"Tell me what happened Hyung. Right after you left. Yugyeom wouldn't tell me. None of them would. But I need to know."

Jaebeom took a deep breathe in. One that seemed to shake his entire being as he finally gave in. 

"I stayed at Jackson's after I left. Every night...I used to wake up with my heart pounding because I was so sure I heard you calling me. Every morning, I felt like my lungs were going to burst, I couldn't breathe. I used to claw at my throat, pull my hair out, but no amount of physical pain could make it go away. Jackson had to wrestle me to the ground once because I ran out of his house in pyjamas wearing no shoes. He told me I kept screaming for you before I passed out. And...and this part I'm so ashamed of...but I broke into our apartment one afternoon, a couple of weeks after I left, when Jackson was at work. That was the only time I could leave without him noticing me. I was too drunk and when I couldn't find you, I called Jackson, sobbing. He picked me up. Told me you would call me when you were ready. I promised I wouldn't do it again, but I did. Again, and again. I could see it was empty, yet it was my only link to you, to us. God, Jackson must have hated me so much. I didn't know you had gone back to work and moved apartments. I didn't expect you to just not be there, I thought you'd be waiting for me right where I'd left you by the bookcase, waiting for me to apologize so you would take me back..."

Jaebeom looked away again, swiping at his tears. 

"You were right though." said Jinyoung softly. "I did wait by the bookcase, for two weeks. Before I had to move out and get back to work again or lose my promotion, I never slept anywhere else after you left."

Jaebeom looked back at him in surprise. 

"We can never get our timings right can we?" he said, with a sad smile. 

Jinyoung could only return it with one of his own and wait for him to continue. 

"I was so mad, I was almost possessed. I moved out of Jackson's place into a tiny loft. The only thing I could afford. I couldn't call you because I had thrown away my old phone in a fit of rage, but I would then call Jackson with the one he'd lent me to curse at him and ask him where you were. I ended up at your workplace more times than I can remember. But then I would lose courage everytime and end up crying on the phone to Jackson again. He would come pick me up everytime, talk me down. And then I'd feel so ashamed, I'd try to drown it in alcohol. Guys would try to talk to me at bars once they recognized me. I was still my father's only son, by name atleast. But I couldn't respond, not without being scared that you were watching, judging, goading me into going home with someone else, because I was the one who walked out. I'd run home so fast, afraid that you would never take me back now because I had dared to look at another man. I wouldn't go to work, I spent all my royalty money on alcohol and drugs, hanging out with the wrong kind of people. It wasn't much to begin with, I had just the one album. I got into fights, I smashed up my record label's studio out of frustration, they terminated my contract, a few paparazzi kept hounding me. They were always after me, looking to find dirt on the fallen prince or whatever bullshit their magazine cover said. Jackson almost slapped me with it the next morning. I truly believed that you must have seen it, even though I know you don't read gossip magazines. I was terrified that someone must have showed you. And your complete radio silence just made my fear real. You must have felt nothing but disgust. Why would you want to be with someone like me anymore? I couldn't even take care of myself, how could I take care of you? I left you and you just let me. I guess we both knew deep inside that we weren't meant to be together. Not the way we were going anyway. But it felt like I was trapped in a coffin, and I was slowly beginning to realize that I didn't want to die after all, because it did feel like I was dying, with or without you. It still feels like that sometimes..."

Jaebeom hid his face in his hands, clearly exhausted. 

"Now do you understand, why I can't go back to just being friends with you?" 

Jinyoung felt his tears fall and he swiped at them in frustration. For two people who claimed to love each other as much as they did, they had both hurt each other in the worst possible ways they could imagine. 

"What happened then?" 

"Youngjae found me. At one of the smaller bars that still hadn't banned me yet, drugged out and shirtless, on some stranger's lap in the back. That guy must have slipped something in my drink."

Jinyoung's heart stopped as he grabbed Jaebeom's hand. 

"Hyung, were you...did he...?"

"No. I got lucky. Youngjae found me before he could...but it was a close call. I was so out of it, I still don't remember. Youngjae told me some of it. He helped me get clean. He didn't have to. But he did. I'll always be grateful to him, for that."

"And?" said Jinyoung as Jaebeom looked at his hand, still enveloping Jaebeom's smaller one protectively. 

"And we're here."

Jinyoung knew there was still more but it wasn't his business so he searched around for a different topic. 

"What is he like? Youngjae." 

"Jinyoung please. I can't." 

"Not in bed dumbass!" 

"That's not what I-I know what you're asking, jeez!" Said Jaebeom shocked.

"Hyung, I'm just teasing. But Youngjae told me you guys talk about me all the time." said Jinyoung testily. 

"That's different."

"Why? Isn't he your boyfriend? Or is he your therapist that gets to know everything about me but I don't?" 

"He's...I don't know, he's a lot of things, a mix of both I guess. But he's not...he's not you." 

"You're not in love with him." said Jinyoung. It wasn't a question. He knew now. 

"It's too soon." 

"Then tell me. I won't judge I promise. It's not like I didn't consider having a relationship myself, but I have never been capable of starting one _or_ keeping it. You know that better than anyone." said Jinyoung, smiling sadly. 

"Jinyoung please. Haven't we hurt each other enough?" 

"Yes. But this time we're doing it to repair, to rebuild our friendship. That was our mistake in the first place. We stopped talking, anything _really_ meaningful, stopped sharing. Only communicating when we were lashing out at each other or pretending like our relationship was fine. That wasn't healthy. But we're really, actually talking now. So tell me." 

"Last night...you said a lot of things, and even if they hurt me then, I knew you didn't meant it. You know why?" 

"Why?" 

"Because you didn't say a word about my relationship with Youngjae. That could have been the first arsenal you took and threw right in my face. Made me feel ashamed of the crutch I am so selfishly dependent on now to pick me up. But you didn't. Even in your anger you didn't take away that one thing from me, that could have destroyed me completely."

Jinyoung was taken aback. He hadn't thought about it himself. And there was only one reason... 

"Because I still love you."

Jaebeom looked startled at his bluntness. 

"Tell me more. About Youngjae." Jinyoung prompted quickly. 

Jaebeom swallowed before continuing, his eyes still a little wide. 

"It's different with Youngjae. I know our feelings for each other aren't deep enough yet, but I feel like I know where I stand with him. He doesn't block me out. I don't feel like I'm grasping for things that don't belong to me, trying to fight with fate everyday to keep him by my side. Whether he wants to remain just friends or we take this a step forward, I know exactly where I stand with him. He helped me at my darkest and I'll forever be indebted. But I'm not capable of loving him or anyone else right now. He knows that too and he feels the same. He has his own reasons and I haven't asked. He'll tell me when he's ready. He always does."

"You'll learn to love him Hyung. He's good for you."

"I guess...I'm trying anyway."

"That's all you have to do. Until you don't have to try anymore." 

Jaebeom didn't say anything. 

"I'm really glad you found him Hyung, for what it's worth." 

Jaebeom let out a deep sigh. 

"Thanks. But enough about me. Your turn now. Your therapy, agreeing to this trip, tell me everything." 

"I came here because I wanted to see you again. There's nothing else to it, really. I couldn't exactly organize a party at my house and call our friends over without knowing if you'd come or not. When Youngjae suggested the trip I felt like the solution to all my problems had been literally handed to me on a silver platter. I did hesitate, once Bam mentioned that we'd be coming back here but I still decided to take the chance. Youngjae was pretty convincing too. You know how good he is at that, better than me." 

"Why Jinyoung? I got into a huge fight with Youngjae over it. For the first time! You're more sensible than I am. Why would you do this to yourself?" 

"After what happened last night, do you still find it hard to believe that maybe I am not as sensible as you think and that you are my one true weakness Hyung?" 

Jaebeom looked down in silence. 

"I was going to ask you to dump Youngjae and take me back." 

Jaebeom looked back at him in shock again. 

"Yeah. I was just as disgusted with myself..." Said Jinyoung looking down himself, no more able to meet Jaebeom's eyes. "Guess you are the stronger of us two afterall." 

"I'm not Jinyoung." 

"You are. Did you even hear what I said? I was going to throw myself at you and ask you to break Youngjae's heart even if you were to tell me to never show my face again." 

"No Jinyoungie. You weren't the only one who was weak." 

"What do you mean?"

"Remember when Jackson and I came to your room yesterday?" 

"Yeah..." Said Jinyoung slowly. 

"I was about to ask you to take me back too. If I hadn't remembered Youngjae...If I hadn't hesitated..." 

A deep silence fell between them again. 

"I guess we're both as similar as people tell us. Even the mistakes we make...making assumptions, not talking things out, acting on impulse, trying to dictate what's best for each other. God... Why couldn't we just talk!" said Jinyoung smacking his own leg in frustration.

"We're talking now..." said Jaebeom gently. 

"Yeah, but it's too late...so what do we do now?" Jinyoung asked. 

"I don't know Jinyoung." 

"Do you like Youngjae." 

"Yes." 

"Does he make you happy." 

"...Yes." 

"Then we both know what we have to do." 

They were silent for a long time after that. 

"Jinyoung... I know I have no right to say this anymore, but...for what it's worth, I'll never feel about anyone the way I've felt about you." 

"Me too Hyung. For what it's worth...but I'm glad."

"Why?"

"Because the way we loved each other...its not really the best way. I'm glad you don't love Youngjae the same. You've grown." 

"I guess you're right. We've both grown." 

"I just wish..." 

"What Jinyoungie?" 

"I just wish we'd done this growing up together. The way we did before. Ever get the feeling we used to be smarter when we were younger?" 

Jaebeom chuckled sadly. 

"Yeah I get that feeling every day now. I tried to move on too quickly. Thought that was the only way forward. And now it's all a mess." 

"But you know what Hyung? I don't think we would have learned our lesson, if not for this mess. The older we grow, the bigger our mess is going to be, and greater the consequences. Besides, different people have different ways of growing, of coping. You've always been in love with the idea of love, always the sentimental one, while I've always been obsessed with practicality. We both chose our pre-conceived notions, our expectations from each other over our love. It's what broke us apart. We should have found a balance. But we both ended up creating this mess, together. If I was you I probably would have done the same. Maybe sooner, if I was as obsessed as I was with materialistic things."

"No, come on Jinyoungie! You're not obsessed with materialistic things. You respect them, know their importance. I was just too needy." said Jaebeom. 

"You're not needy, you were hurt and you needed comfort. It's not a crime to want that. And I've seen the way you treat Youngjae. If it was me, I would have probably ended up hurting him too."

"No Jinyoungie, I know you! You have a kind heart, you would never...!" 

"Look at us trying to defend each other against ourselves." Said Jinyoung with a smile. 

Jaebeom chuckled ruefully. 

"Do you think we can ever be friends again?" Jinyoung asked tentatively. 

"I don't know..." 

Jinyoung's heart dropped. 

"I don't want to hurt you anymore by forcing you to be around while I'm still with Youngjae, and you and I, we're both clearly..." 

"Still in love with each other." Finished Jinyoung, nodding. He understood what Jaebeom was saying. He really did. But it still hurt. 

"You've been saying that a lot more..." said Jaebeom playing with his comforter again. 

"And you've been saying it a lot less..."

"I don't want to be selfish anymore Jinyoungie. I can't have the best of both worlds while you're out there by yourself."

"But I do want you in my life Hyung. One way or another. What we had, before we got together, it is too precious to lose." 

Jaebeom looked back at him with glistening eyes. 

"You have no idea how grateful I am that you still feel that way...Maybe we don't go on vacations together. But we can still hang out right?" Jaebeom asked tentatively. 

"Yeah. Just not alone. I don't want to push Youngjae too far. He's already been through enough. But there's no harm in hanging out, we do have a common set of friends afterall. We don't want to lose that." 

"Yeah...and I want my best friend back too." Said Jaebeom looking up at Jinyoung earnestly. 

Jinyoung didn't know what to say as his heart swelled with a tiny ray of hope. 

"So...friends?" Jaebeom asked, sounding unsure but determined. 

Jinyoung couldn't help comparing it to when Yugyeom had asked him the same thing earlier. But where he had felt relief and happiness return to his heart then, he felt nothing but heavyness now, as he suddenly realized what it would mean for him and Jaebeom. 

"Yeah, friends."


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To new beginnings...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My new Twitter exclusively for AO3 content and updates. Holler at me about anything JJP there, be prompts, memes, edits or artwork, and we might turn it into a fic together. 😂  
> Link: (@GK7ahgase): twitter.com/GK7ahgase?s=09
> 
> I'm sorry I'm late guys. I've been going through some personal problems lately and I couldn't write. Thank you so much for your patience. Your comments and kudos are really therapeutic for me and I'm going to finish this story no matter what. I think the chapters are going to be more than I anticipated, so I hope you will stick around for their eventual reunion. 💚

Jinyoung ran his fingers lazily through the dried grass, lying wrapped up in his thick woolen cloak with his eyes closed and his nose frozen. His camera lay abandoned somewhere above his head. 

He'd taken a few pictures of the trees around him, free of their leaves in the cold winter and shrouded in a light mist instead. The entire forest had become a theme of black and grey instead of the sea of green he remembered from two years ago. 

But it was still beautiful. Jinyoung couldn't help compare it to his life at that moment, without the color and fragrance that Jaebeom's spring brought with it - quiet, lonely, yet beautiful. Filled with hope for the next spring that was his newfound friendship with Jaebeom. And maybe a new friend, someone he was yet to meet. 

Jinyoung couldn't help compare himself from the past year to the trees around him. Just like their dried and mottled leaves, his inhibitions and insecurities had been gradually falling off, one by one. He still had a long way to go, but he had already come so far that the path ahead seemed brighter, more hopeful. There was no waterfall during this time of the year, the weather cold enough to freeze its source. Yet, he could see now that there was beauty even in barenness. The silence too would have been eerie in his loneliness, if not for the birds. 

The birds were still around, somewhere above him in the trees, chirping and singing to him a soothing lullaby, just like they did the last time he was here, scared out of his wits. He wondered why they were here, wasn't it unnatural for them to come back this early before spring? It made the anticipation of the next spring even more precious. When the sunshine, the green leaves and the colorful flowers would decorate the forest again, the birds would still sing the song of their last spring here, the song of their love. They would remember Jinyoung and Jaebeom, remember their names, even if they never came back here as one. The sound of their song would echo through the woods. The sound of them calling their names... 

He knew why he wanted to come back here himself, why he wanted to look at this place again - to make sure it wasn't all just a dream, to make sure it really did exist, to imprint it in his memory, so he could say goodbye... 

He'd woken up before dawn with a sudden urge to capture this place one last time in his camera, before he was forced to leave it forever. Because he was sure he would never come back here again. This place was their little oasis. Seperate from the world where they existed as Jaebeom and Jinyoung. Not sons, not friends, not adults. Only lovers without ties, without responsibilities and without inhibitions. 

He remembered the feel of the sun on his bare skin, the fire coarsing through his veins as Jaebeom laid tender kisses on every inch of his body, looking at him with so much reverence and passion that he felt like he would melt at just the memory of those intense eyes. 

"Jinyoungah..."

"Hmm?" Jinyoung asked lazily, one hand behind his head as he traced patterns in the white fluffy clouds with the other, visible through the gap in the canopy of trees above the waterfall. 

"Can I..." Jaebeom hesitated, sliding a blade of grass across Jinyoung's bare stomach as he climbed up next to him to rest his head on an elbow.

Jinyoung shivered a little at the touch, but he was too content to push it away, warmed by his personal sun that was Jaebeom. 

"What?" 

Jaebeom didn't say anything for a while, his eyes following the grass tip absently. Jinyoung stayed still and let him think. There was clearly something Jaebeom wanted from him, something he expected Jinyoung to refuse. It wasn't like him to be so hesitant.

Jinyoung had been noticing a change ever since he'd told Jaebeom he loved him and they'd gotten secretly engaged two nights ago. Though Jaebeom had become more needy physically, wanting to hold hands and cuddle all the time, he'd been more careful, more reserved emotionally. 

Jinyoung had noticed, but he'd chosen to dismiss it as nervousness because of the secret they'd been keeping from their friends. He was nervous too. 

Or maybe, Jaebeom just didn't want to fight with him over little things anymore, now that they were about to take such a significant step in their relationship. They'd both have to make some changes, and Jaebeom seemed to be one step ahead of Jinyoung already. Like always. 

So he watched with curious eyes and tried not to move as Jaebeom traced patterns all over him, deep in thought as he left sparks of electric current everywhere he touched. Until the blade brushed over a sensitive nub and Jinyoung shuddered, goosebumps erupting all over his body. 

Jaebeom seemed to startle out of his reverie then. He shifted closer to Jinyoung, dropping the blade immediately and sliding his hand up to cup Jinyoung's flaming red face. 

"Can I take a picture of you?"

Jinyoung was taken aback. He had expected something much more intriguing, what with Jaebeom's unusual hesitation. 

"Why are you asking permission all of a sudden? You never did before." said Jinyoung, chuckling hoarsely to hide his confusion.

"Because...I want to take your picture like this. The way you are, right now."

And Jinyoung finally understood Jaebeom's sudden reluctance. He had been Jaebeom's favorite muse for years, Jaebeom always wanting to capture little moments and human emotions more than scenic views and grand objects, unlike Jinyoung. But he had never captured Jinyoung like this, in his most vulnerable state - body naked, emotions exposed. 

It was a bit overwhelming, considering Jinyoung hadn't even allowed Jaebeom to sleep with him over night, until they got to the cabin. It had seemed like such a significant step in their relationship when Jinyoung had followed Jaebeom to his chosen room and dropped his bag down on the bed decisively, anticipating Jaebeom's surprise. 

Jaebeom had looked downright terrified. 

And Jinyoung had felt all his familiar insecurities resurface - that he had crossed some line he wasn't allowed to and reached for something above and beyond what he deserved. 

His fear had quickly been pushed aside as Jaebeom slotted his mouth on his and pulled him down on the bed, groping him like a maniac.

Pushed aside, but not forgotten.

Would it be a satisfactory payback, letting Jaebeom take a picture of him like this, all flushed and sweaty and naked with tiny but distinctive bruises marked by Jaebeom's hands and mouth all over his body? Something that would assure Jaebeom that Jinyoung was his. 

Some tiny part of his brain knew it was unfair to Jaebeom for him to be thinking this way. Jaebeom had never indicated he wanted payback for his affections. Jinyoung also knew how sacred his art was for him, be it music, dance or photography.

But Jinyoung still felt like he owed him atleast something. Even if it was just a picture to remind him how much of himself he had given up to Jaebeom. 

They'd been defying fate and Jaebeom's parents by being together for two years now. His parents hadn't done much more than making empty threats to Jaebeom, probably still hoping Jaebeom would get bored of him and move on. But Jinyoung knew they had only a few moments of tranquility left before they got back to Seoul and announced their engagement. Neither of them knew the outcome. They were adults, but the society they grew up in wouldn't care. Their parents owned them and their fate would be decided accordingly. 

So he could give Jaebeom this, a stolen moment, before the dam burst and pushed them both under. 

He slid his hands through Jaebeom's hair and looked him firmly in the eyes. 

"Okay."

"You sure?" asked Jaebeom, clearly pleased but still wary. "You understand why I want this right? If any part of it makes you uncomfortable, we don't have to-" 

"Hyung, there's no one I trust more, and I know what these pictures mean to you. Just take them." said Jinyoung, sliding his hand down to cup Jaebum's face. 

"Okay...okay..." said Jaebeom, relaxing momentarily under Jinyoung's soothing touch. 

He got up quickly then, scrambling to pull on his pants as he dug around in his fanny pack for his tiny film camera, like he was afraid Jinyoung would change his mind and run away. After what he'd said last time, Jinyoung was pretty sure that was exactly what he was afraid of. 

"Jaebeommah! Just relax and tell me how you want me?"

Jaebeom stopped his scrambling and shuffled his camera between his hands sheepishly. 

"Just-just stay like that, the way you were a few moments ago. Forget I'm here."

"Well that's easy." said Jinyoung, grinning, trying to appear calm and composed for Jaebeom's sake. 

"Shut up." said Jaebeom giving into a nervous smile, as he settled down further away from Jinyoung, waiting for him to relax. 

It _wasn't_ easy though, as Jaebeom brought the camera up to his face, his eyes going darker, more intense, lazer like, as he scrutinized every inch of Jinyoung's body with the eyes of a passionate artist rather than a lover. 

Jaebeom was always so soft around him that Jinyoung kept forgetting the stories Yugyeom and Jackson used to tell him. Stories from before they'd found each other, stories about how brash and intimidating Jaebeom could be when he followed his impulses rather than his rational thought. 

He did remember that one fist fight back in school Jaebeom had been involved in. Jaebeom had been unrecognizable in that moment. A complete stranger. Feral. It had convinced Jinyoung that Jaebeom had a side to him that was extreme bad news, one he did not need in his life. 

But Jaebeom had changed, changed for him, fought against his own nature to become something more gentle and considerate, someone Jinyoung could lean on and trust in times of need. 

But then there were moments like these, when Jaebeom gave in to his instincts, like when he made music, or when he took his camera out or when he sketched on random pieces of paper. Moments that reminded Jinyoung how much more there was to the man he loved. Moments when Jaebeom seemed to forget the world around him, and every cell in his body seemed to focus solely on the object of his interest. 

Somehow, being that object after Jaebeom asking him for his _express_ consent made Jinyoung heat up even more with shyness than when he made love to him. When Jaebeom made love to him, he paid attention only to Jinyoung, what Jinyoung felt and what Jinyoung needed. But when Jaebeom gave in to the artist within, it was just him, his emotions and his creation, an impenetrable connection that even Jinyoung didn't dare trespass. Jaebeom's most carnal self. 

So he looked back up at the sky and willed himself to not hyperventilate, to focus on something else, blissfully unaware of the camera clicking away at intervals, as he sank back into his thoughts from a few moments ago - of Jaebeom's laughter, of Jaebeom's lips, the feel of the hair tie around his ring finger...

"You're so beautiful." Jaebeom whispered, bringing him out of his reverie as he put down his camera. "And that smile...What are you thinking of?" 

His eyes were still so intense, searching Jinyoung's face for answers, as if he was trying to dig it out of his soul. Jinyoung blushed even more fiercely than he thought was possible and looked away. No one had ever affected him the way Jaebeom did, even after nine years of knowing the depth of Jaebeom's feelings towards him. 

"You" he said with a smile, trying to keep his voice from shaking as he pulled up slightly to look for his shirt, putting it on slowly, trying not to be too obvious. But ofcourse, Jaebeom noticed everything. 

"If I were only so lucky." he said, crawling over to straddle Jinyoung's lap, gently pulling his yet unbuttoned shirt back off his shoulders and pushing him back to the ground, the fire in his eyes burning Jinyoung everywhere his gaze touched. 

"I wish you'd stop hiding yourself from me Jinyoung." 

Jinyoung swallowed around his dry throat, still unable to meet Jaebeom's eyes, so he settled for looking somewhere down Jaebeom's neck as he tried to get up again. 

"Hyung, please..."

"I mean it Jinyoung." said Jaebeom, grabbing his face firmly so Jinyoung would stop moving. "As much as I love to see you go red because of me, I still want to be the one person you never have to hide yourself from."

Jinyoung finally found the courage to look back into Jaebeom's eyes, boring into his with a meaning deeper than his words. His words had penetrated Jinyoung's brain, yet Jinyoung felt there was something more to them. Like, Jaebeom was trying to tell him something unspoken, willing him to understand something more. 

I'm the father of your child afterall." Jaebeom chuckled after a few moments, when it was clear Jinyoung wasn't going to respond, his eyes going soft and molten in an instant. 

"Nora's a pet." said Jinyoung smiling grudgingly, as relief washed over him. 

Jaebeom's ever switching personalities really gave him whiplash sometimes. It scared him, how much deeper Jaebeom wanted to dive into his soul everytime Jinyoung let him one step in. 

He knew Jaebeom feared losing him, but Jaebeom didn't know how many times Jinyoung had expected him to give up and run away too. Jaebeom never did, not yet anyway, preferring to pull Jinyoung harder and closer until he relented and let Jaebeom in another step. So Jinyoung tried to push back each time, testing Jaebeom's patience even more. He feared this push and pull would come back to bite them both one day. But he didn't know how to stop. 

"How dare you! I swear to God Nyoungie if our kids don't call Nora their big sister, I'm sending them back to the agency!" said Jaebeom with mock anger as he settled his chin down on an arm placed across Jinyoung's chest. 

Jinyoung's heart pounded, so hard he was surprised Jaebeom couldn't see it trying to escape his chest. They'd just gotten engaged, they hadn't even told their friends, and they were already mentioning kids?

Ofcourse he would love to bring home a child who needed love, he couldn't imagine a better father than Jaebeom. But a child in their situation would need more delicate handling than most. They still had to talk to Jaebeom's parents about their engagement and make sure they were on board which seemed almost impossible at the moment. Then they'd have to build a stable life for themselves first before going through the agonizingly long process of adoption. If they were lucky enough to be blessed with a child, they'd have to make sure it knew they loved it unconditionally, even if they didn't share the same blood. Then they'd have to explain their unusual situation and why it was okay, them being two fathers instead of a mother and a father. They'd have to protect the child from the world outside and its judgements...

Jinyoung remembered the pain building up in his chest at that thought, as he imagined someone directing their harsh words towards his child, a child that probably didn't even exist yet. His mind had run wild then, conjuring up scenarios where he'd storm his way past a crowd of people surrounding his child and show them all up for daring to point a finger at it. He would take it home and make sure his child knew it was loved and protected. He would hug it and make its pain go away.

Then Jaebeom would come home and they would all cuddle together to watch their favorite cartoons. And Jinyoung would smile in contentment, looking at Jaebeom and their child, their heads in his lap, both their mouths open slightly in an identical manner as they slept...

Jinyoung had shaken himself in surprise then. He'd never really let his imagination wander that far out before. All it had taken was for Jaebeom to mention it as a joke and he'd already begun treading unexplored waters. 

Was it though? Just a joke? Knowing how emotional Jaebeom got over things like this, he wasn't sure how to take it. Should he dismiss it as a joke or should he initiate a conversation he wasn't ready for? He didn't want to say something insensitive and end up hurting Jaebeom. 

Jaebeom must have definitely felt his turmoil though, as he placed a hand on his heart, his favorite part of Jinyoung's body, his eyes full of concern, like he was afraid he'd said something offensive. 

And just like that, Jinyoung felt his heart beat calm down. He hoped Jaebeom understood. Jinyoung didn't know how to explain to him that his hesitation was not due to his uncertainty about their love, it was about their circumstances. They'd just finished college, they were both starting work next week. They clearly weren't in a position to have this conversation yet, and Jinyoung just couldn't bring up the words to explain. He wished he could give Jaebeom what he wanted. But he was more worried about what he thought Jaebeom needed, and these two things couldn't exist together at the moment, not in his own mind atleast. 

He didn't want to think about it now anyway. Not here. Where it was just them. Jaebeom and Jinyoung. No Lim, no Park. Only them. 

"You _are_ lucky by the way." said Jinyoung smiling mischievously, sliding his hands up Jaebeom's clothed thighs. 

"And you're naked." said Jaebeom, the worry lines between his brows fading slightly. 

"Your point being?" Jinyoung smirked

"This." said Jaebeom as he dived to capture Jinyoung's mouth again. 

Jinyoung smiled as he turned on his side, his eyes wet with tears, still alone and freezing in a sea of grey and black, but with a warmth spreading from his heart to heat up his entire body, dry grass tickling his ears. 

Goodbyes were hard. Reminders of an entire future lost. But the memories didn't necessarily have to hurt. 

Youngjae was still on the phone in his pyjamas and sweater when Jaebeom came out of their bathroom, hair damp and falling into his eyes as he quickly pulled on thermals, jeans, socks and a thick black turtleneck. They'd both been awakened at the crack of dawn by Youngjae's phone ringing incessantly. Some emergency at work. Since they were already up, Youngjae had suggested Jaebeom take a warm shower while he took care of it. 

He glanced at Jaebeom now and held up two fingers, so Jaebeom sat down on their bed, leaning back on his arms, his legs tapping a rhythm on the hard wood floor. He watched the light from the sky outside spread slowly behind Youngjae and cast him in an ethereal glow through the window. They couldn't see the sun rise through it, but the sight of Youngjae bathed in the winter sunlight with the mountains at his back still made Jaebeom feel strangely calm and weightless. After a long, long time. 

Youngjae quickly wrapped up his call then, rolling his eyes at Jaebeom to indicate his own impatience as he said goodbye. He flung his phone on the bed, before throwing himself on Jaebeom and burying his face into his chest. 

"I'm so fucking exhausted..." 

Jaebeom smiled fondly as he tucked a stray piece of hair behind Youngjae's ear. 

"Was that Abboji?" 

"Who else?" said Youngjae with a muffled groan. 

Jaebeom chuckled. 

"I would be offended if I didn't know how he keeps you on the grind even on vacation. I wish you could just relax and be with me without having to think about work and your duties to my prick." 

"Hey, be respectful!" 

"That's my dad."

"Still."

"Fine. I still hate that he keeps you from me though." said Jaebeom pulling Youngjae in with a smile. 

A couple of years ago, Jaebeom had fought with Jinyoung on this very topic, in this very cabin. But he realized now that he could have handled it differently. He was determined not to make the same mistakes with Youngjae again.

"I know, me too..." said Youngjae. He looked malencholy. Which was very rare for Youngjae. Jaebeom had caught him zoning out like that a few times before but those were all times Jaebeom had been pining for Jinyoung or been angry about Jinyoung.

Jaebeom still felt extremely guilty about it, but Youngjae insisted that he be honest about what he was feeling at all times. Jaebeom had always found it easier to express his love more than his hurt. So initially he would just cry or throw things like a child. 

But slowly, Youngjae began teaching him how to verbalize his emotions, to speak them instead of hurting himself and destroying the things around him. He still had trouble with it though, and Youngjae seemed to have caught up on that. So instead of leaving Jaebeom alone, he'd hold Jaebeom and tell him to let it out in a different way. 

He would caress Jaebeom's face, run soothing strokes all over his back as Jaebeom held him down on the bed and made him feel his emotions through touch rather than words, be it pain or anger. He knew Jaebeom could never bear hurting _him_ , so it acted as a natural solution to calm Jaebeom down everytime. 

"Even your phone knows not to give up on you. None of ours are working as good as yours." said Jaebeom with a chuckle. 

"Well it _is_ the latest model." 

"I regret giving it to you every second of every day." 

"I told you not to." said Youngjae smugly. 

"Don't remind me. The tantrum you threw at that. God! Thank God I'm used to being around stubborn assholes." 

"Jinyoung right? I hardly see you buying even a handkerchief for your dad. Don't think he'd say no anyway. After making sure of its price, that is." 

"Shut up." said Jaebeom rolling his eyes and hitting him on the head. 

Jaebeom still couldn't believe how easy it was to talk to Youngjae about Jinyoung. How unexpectedly easy, when he still had trouble discussing him with his friends. 

Perhaps it was because Youngjae came to him with no shared history, no preconceived notions and no judgement. His friends knew him a bit too much. That made them overly concerned about him, like he was some breakable, fragile thing they had to tiptoe around. And because of that, if they ever said something blunt like Youngjae did, it hit Jaebeom more deeply. 

Youngjae's good-natured honesty was so refreshing. Because it didn't come colored with shared childhood memories or knowledge about his weaknesses. He hadn't known Jaebeom before he became a wrecking mess, so Jaebeom didn't feel buried under the pressure of appearing "normal" or the way he used to be. He had changed. The breakup had changed him, taught him things, made him wiser about his own mistakes. 

Youngjae had seen him grow in a different way than his friends. He'd seen Jaebeom at his worst before he even knew anything about him, so the present Jaebeom was exactly what he wanted, not the Jaebeom he'd been before, the Jaebeom his friends knew and missed, the Jaebeom he didn't want back anytime soon, the Jaebeom that couldn't breathe without Jinyoung. 

"Hyung, you wanna take a walk?" Youngjae asked suddenly, his finger tracing soothing patterns on Jaebeom's chest. 

"Sure. I'm done being cooped up in this house. Where do you wanna go?" 

"Let's explore the forest. Remember the pictures I showed you?" 

Jaebeom didn't really want to go, but what else was there to do anyway? The forest was the main attraction of the place. 

"Okay, lets go."

"So what's the plan for today? Jinyoung just got back, so I thought we could all do something together?" Mark asked Jaebeom and Youngjae as they entered the kitchen. 

He plated out freshly made pancakes on the island, gesturing at everyone to start.

"We were thinking of doing some exploring." said Youngjae brightly, sitting down on a stool as he accepted a plate from Jinyoung. Jaebeom sat down between Jackson and Yugyeom, who looked like they were both going to fall off their stools any second. 

"In the forest?" 

Jinyoung glanced at Jaebeom who seemed to be lost in his own thoughts. 

"Yeah. And you know where we're going?" Youngjae paused for dramatic effect. 

"Where? Tell us!" Said Bambam, playing along. 

"Into the woods!" 

"We've been there before, the last time we were here. Probably explored every inch of it around this area" said Jackson, clearly unimpressed. 

"But have you seen the waterfall? In the middle of the woods!" 

It took every bit of self control in Jinyoung's body to not look at Jaebeom then. The sinking feeling in his heart was a permanent thing now. 

"A waterfall?" asked Bambam with interest. 

"Yes, the most beautiful thing I've ever seen! Not many people could find it but there are a couple of pictures on the internet." said Youngjae as he began providing details with great enthusiasm. He looked so similar to Jaebeom at that moment. If Jinyoung didn't know any better, he would have mistaken them for brothers or twins even. 

"I don't think it's going to be the same this time of the year Jae, the pictures are probably not even authentic. Could be just a gimmick to attract a crowd." said Jinyoung suddenly. 

He didn't know why he wanted to rain on Youngjae's parade, but he couldn't bear it anymore. 

"Yeah I know Hyung. But it's still something to look forward to rather than walking through the forest aimlessly." said Youngjae, his enthusiasm still intact. 

"No, there's literally just stones and dried grass there. You wouldn't like it." said Jinyoung firmly. 

Youngjae seemed to deflate a bit, confused. 

"Is that where you went this early in the morning?" asked Mark suddenly. 

Jinyoung swallowed visibly before sighing in defeat. 

"Yeah."

"So you knew about it!" Youngjae exclaimed again, clapping him on the shoulder. "Hyung, have you been there before? You didn't tell me when we talked about this place earlier!" 

"I-I saw the pictures on the internet too, it must have slipped my mind."

His ears were burning with the lies falling off his tongue. He knew Jaebeom was looking at him. He could feel it in every sweaty pore in his body. But he kept his own eyes fixed on Youngjae instead. 

"Hyung, we have to go, do you know what the site said? The most beautiful..." And Youngjae went off into a rant about all the features described by the few reviewers who were lucky enough to discover it. Mark, and the maknaes hanging on to his every word. 

His appetite lost, Jinyoung fixed a smile on his face and pretended like he didn't know every detail better than how Youngjae described them. Even Jackson seemed intrigued. He was listening to Youngjae with his mouth slightly open as Youngjae tried to talk while shoveling pancake into his mouth. 

"We have to go there today!" said Yugyeom excitedly. 

"Yes, please Hyung, let's go!" Bambam joined in, as Yugyeom turned to Jinyoung with a pleading look, his eyes sparkling at the prospect of a fun outing after all the mysery of the last two days. 

Since Mark and Jackson made no opposition, and Youngjae seemed all too keen, Jinyoung nodded too, the smile still plastered on his face. His cheeks were already hurting with the effort and he still refused to look at Jaebeom. 

After that, breakfast was dealt with faster than usual and Bambam even volunteered to do the dishes while Yugyeom assured them he would take Jaebeom's car and do their morning grocery run himself before joining them in their walk, something that earned them both condescending claps on the back from Jaebeom and Jackson, and much cheering from everyone else. Jinyoung opted to stay back and wait for Yugyeom. 

"My phone's been out of signal since last night. I'm gonna wait and call my mom. She's probably worried sick. I doubt I'll get better signal in the forest."

"Yeah. Eomma must be in hysterics by now." said Mark. "Okay, you can wait for Yugyeom then come find us. I'll send you our GPS location through Beommah's phone."

"You can use my phone Hyung." said Youngjae, turning to Jinyoung. "I haven't lost signal yet. We can wait."

"Thanks, but you don't know my mother. It's gonna take a while." 

"Take it anyway. I'll be with the others. And we'll need to stay in touch so you can find us. Only I have signal at the moment and I'm sure Jaebeom Hyung's will come back soon."

"Thanks Jae." said Jinyoung again gratefully. 

"Just gimme a minute to change and I'll bring it to you." said Youngjae bounding up the stairs as the others scattered too - Mark and Jackson to their own rooms, Bambam to the sink and Yugyeom to the front door after catching the keys and wallet Jaebeom threw at him. 

Jinyoung got up and walked out of the back door slowly. He closed his eyes and lifted his face to the sky. The cold wind ruffling through his hair was soothing. 

"I didn't tell him."

Jinyoung's eyes snapped open and he turned around to look at Jaebeom's troubled face. 

"I just want you to know. I didn't tell him about that place."

"Oh.." Jinyoung didn't know what Jaebeom expected him to say, much less why Jaebeom felt the need to explain. But he couldn't help the sudden lightness of his heart. 

"Bam gave him the link to the site. That's how he found out too." 

"Hyung, it's okay..." 

"No Jinyoung. It's just - that place has more meaning than anyone could understand." 

"It's just a place Hyung. It's not my personal property. Youngjae has just as much right-" 

"Is that why you lied to him?"

Jinyoung snapped his mouth shut. 

"Admit it. You didn't want him to go there."

Jinyoung took in a deep breath and looked down as he felt the burn from his ears travel to his face and neck. 

"That's the place you first told me you loved me, Jinyoung. Ofcourse it's personal." 

He looked back up at Jaebeom then, surprised. Jaebeom had cut straight to the core of his reluctance in letting Youngjae in on that place. He was looking at Jinyoung with an understanding smile instead of disappointment. 

"It's poetic I guess." said Jinyoung, after a moment. "Youngjae finding out the same way you did. It's probably fate or whatever crap you always believed in." 

"So, you can go make fresh memories now." He added, looking away, trying to make his voice teasing, rather than wistful. 

"If it was fate, then it was trying to tell me something a lot different than what you think."

"What do you mean?" asked Jinyoung, his eyes snapping back to Jaebeom, confused. 

"I couldn't feel it Jinyoung." 

"Couldn't feel what?" 

"Him. I couldn't feel him. The whole time he was talking about it and even earlier when he was showing me those pictures...all I could feel was you. Everywhere. In the water, in the birds, in the trees, in the grass, even that damn butterfly...do you remember?" 

"JR.?" asked Jinyoung, his voice husky with emotion. 

"Yeah."

"You know he probably died the very day we found him." 

"I know...a lot of things probably died with him."

"Hyung..."

"Dont-just, don't say anything... I know. I'll get it together. It will take time...I just needed you to know. That I didn't cast you aside."

"Hyung..."

"Never doubt your worth to me Jinyoung. I can't replace you. I never will try to replace you. We may both find other people to love but this, us, you, you will always be a part of me. No matter what." 

Jinyoung didn't cry. Neither did Jaebeom. This wasn't them hurting each other. This was them finally learning to be honest with each other. 

"Hyung...thank you. For telling me... Would it be insensitive if I said, "same"?" 

"Shut up." said Jaebeom with a smile, before sobering up again. "I just don't want to make the same mistakes again Jinyoungah. Let our misunderstandings fester into resentment. Because...I don't ever want to see you look at me the way you did that night in the forest." 

Jinyoung pulled him into a hug then. 

"It wasn't me Hyung. I lost control. It wasn't me. I need you to believe that." 

Jaebeom let out a deep sigh as if a great weight had lifted off him and gave into the hug. They stayed like that for a few seconds more before Jaebeom pulled away gently. 

Jinyoung looked at his troubled face and realized they still needed time to be in physical proximity with each other without being too affected. So he kept his distance as they both turned to look out at the mountains in companionable silence. 

"And now everyone's going." said Jaebeom after a while, rolling his eyes. 

"I kind of like that. We couldn't have gone there together again otherwise." said Jinyoung with a small grin. "I'll be honest I kind of hated the idea of you and Youngjae going their alone. I've already said my goodbyes. But I don't mind if all of us go. All seven of us." 

Jaebeom smiled, looking down at his feet. 

"Mark Hyung asked me if we wanted to leave sooner than we'd planned..." He said. 

"What did you tell him?" 

"I told him it's up to you. Youngjae felt it's better to let you decide. Whatever's comfortable for you, we'll go with it." 

"Did I tell you how fucking lucky you are to have Youngjae?" 

"Not in such explicit terms."

Jinyoung laughed, punching Jaebeom's arm lightly. 

"I think I want to stay a little longer. Not the whole week perhaps. But one more day atleast." he continued, still smiling. 

"Yeah, me too...I'm not ready to say goodbye yet." said Jaebeom still looking down at his feet, kicking idly at the tiny rocks scattered around.

"Ah, that's the dramatic Beommie I know so well." said Jinyoung with a mischievous smile. 

"Yah! Dont be an asshole to your Hyung!" said Jaebeom giving him a playful smack. 

A year ago, he would have gotten hurt, taken offense, made a snarky retort. Something that would rile Jinyoung up and end up in them both storming off in different directions. 

But Jaebeom just smiled in exasperation mixed with wonder as Jinyoung laughed, forgetting to cover his mouth with his hand. 

And it was enough, for now. Jinyoung could learn to live with just this, as he looked at Jaebeom beaming back at him. 

Youngjae turned his back to the window. He had an inkling where Jaebeom would be when he didn't follow him back to their room to change. Their window looked directly out to the back of the house, the view of the mountains above and the edge of the cliff below,

Where Jinyoung and Jaebeom stood, hugging and laughing with each other. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reminiscence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the love for the last chapter guys, I'm going to go through the comments soon and start replying.
> 
> I especially wanted to thank you guys for Runaway. It was the first ever JJP fic I wrote but couldn't publish it until JJPbigbang was officially underway. I wrote it months ago, and you guys still welcomed it despite it being so raw.
> 
> You are my biggest strength in this journey. So thank you for the comments, kudos and even the silent readers. All of you matter to me!💚
> 
> Here's my new twitter in case you guys want to send me prompts or share memes and edits for the next one shot. 
> 
> Twitter link: (@GK7ahgase)
> 
> twitter.com/GK7ahgase?s=09

* * *

It was their final year school dance. Jinyoung sat on the sidelines alone, as his friends all disappeared into the crowd one by one after having failed to pull him along. His heart burned as he watched Jaebeom dancing with a girl, talking and laughing as she slid her hands around his neck and whispered something into his ear. 

Jinyoung had tried to keep his eyes away, but he kept ending up glaring at the happy couple infront of him. He had practically forced Jaebeom to go dance with her, threatening to go home all by himself if he didn't. Yet there he sat, a shaking hand clenched into a tight fist inside his pocket, while the other clutched a red plastic cup, in grave danger of being crushed any moment. His face remained smooth and blank, while his insides were on fire. No one had to know. 

Suddenly Jaebeom's eyes snapped up to catch his own. Jinyoung quickly gave him a smile and a thumbs up. Jaebeom winked and Jinyoung turned away, the sudden rush of adrenaline making him sweat. He took deep breathes for the next few minutes, willing his heartbeat to slow back down. He was safe. 

Suddenly, the chair beside him was pushed back with a grating noise and Jinyoung turned around to see Jaebeom sitting next to him with his head thrown back and his eyes closed.

He looked amazing, with his slicked back hair that he'd been trying to grow out for weeks now, and his delicate silver earring with little moons and stars hanging down from silver threads. Almost a grown up. 

Before he realized what he was doing, Jinyoung's eyes were raking all over Jaebeom's body - from his glistening forehead down to his black high tops, all the way back up past his ripped skinny jeans showing off the soft smooth skin of his strong thighs, his white shirt with two buttons open at the collar, his broad shoulders and strong arms, thick with lean muscles because of all the tumbling and spinning he did with his bboying crew, his long neck with the Adam's apple bobbing up and down as he swallowed, his heart shaped lips open slightly as he caught his breath - Jinyoung couldn't help lingering for a bit- and finally his eyes, his eyes hooded with thick eyelashes, their pupils blown. 

His eyes that were staring right back at Jinyoung with a knowing look.

Jaebeom was his best friend, his family, but Jinyoung would have given anything in the world for Jaebeom to have been stark blind at that moment as Jinyoung turned his head away quickly, his ears flaming at being caught ogling his best friend. A best friend that had made his own intentions very clear for years, despite being indirectly rejected again and again. 

From the moment Jaebeom had shown up at his door with Kang Hyung in tow to take Jinyoung to the dance, citing being stood up last minute by his yet unknown date as the reason for forcing Jinyoung to go with him, Jinyoung had caught himself staring at Jaebeom more than once, and he didn't know what to do with himself.

His sisters' incessant giggling and his mother's exasperated smile as Jaebeom kept a straight face while using formal language to ask permission for Jinyoung's hand hadn't helped a bit. They were in on a joke Jinyoung had no idea of. Neither did his father, judging by his resigned face.

They were both going to be in the same college in a few weeks, Jinyoung in the department of business and communications and Jaebeom in the department of film, music and photography, unbeknownst to Jaebeom's dad who'd been satisfied that Jaebeom would atleast follow Jinyoung into his father's chosen career path. No such luck, as Jaebeom's passion for Jinyoung was rivaled only by his passion for his art.

So Jinyoung had plenty of reasons to _not_ think about anything his mother and sisters might or might not know about Jaebeom suddenly being helpless enough to have to ask _him_ to the dance, before Jinyoung could conjure up an excuse in time. 

Tonight seemed like the one night things were going to be out of his control. 

"Nyoungah, look at me." 

"What?" Jinyoung asked, his face indifferent, staring stubbornly out at Yugyeom pretending to be a DJ as he added disc spinning to his already weird dance moves, cheered on by Bambam and Jackson. 

Jaebeom followed his eyes.

"What the fuck does he think he's doing?" He asked, eyeing Yugyeom with professional interest as he took out the tiny digital camera he carried to all special events and snapped a picture without hesitation. Typical Jaebeom. 

"Search me. Atleast we know one career he's not making into." said Jinyoung. 

"Don't be mean!" said Jaebeom laughing heartily, as he leaned forward slightly to put his camera into his back pocket. Jinyoung absolutely refused to let his eyes follow the movement into dangerous territory again.

"Yeah well. He should stick to being the school genius and dancing. That weird octopus move he's got going on, there's no way he's gonna be a DJ. I have no idea what that move even is, don't think he does either." 

"Okay Mr. Pop and Lock. But "Octopus move", seriously?" Jaebeom was practically wheezing now, his eyes almost streaming with tears of mirth. 

Jinyoung loved it when his friends laughed at his jokes, since he made them so rarely, but Jaebeom was overdoing it quite a bit. He was sure his joke hadn't been that funny. But here was Jaebeom, practically in hysterics. 

"Hyung get a grip. What are you high or something?" 

Jinyoung felt a bit defensive after their uncomfortable moment from a few minutes ago, and he did not need Jaebeom to try so hard to appear normal. It was just going to make him feel worse. 

Jaebeom sobered up a bit, though he continued to grin nervously.

"Jinyoungah..." 

"What?" 

"Get me a drink please. I'm dead on my feet." said Jaebeom sighing and closing his eyes again. 

Jinyoung got up without a word, relieved at having something to do other than keep on sitting beside Jaebeom. He'd become more and more uncomfortable being alone with Jaebeom these past few months, even though Jaebeom seemed to have come to an understanding about boundaries, and he'd been gradually distancing himself from Jinyoung physically, all the while being his normal, cheerful self. He had made it so easy for Jinyoung. 

But Jinyoung had been realizing lately, that the more room Jaebeom gave him to breathe, the harder it was for him to not consider the few moments they were alone as being too suffocating and intimate. Jaebeom distancing himself was having the opposite effect on Jinyoung. Instead of being relieved, Jinyoung found a new emotion inside him, something he didn't know existed before, something akin to craving. 

He'd been always so clear about keeping Jaebeom at a respectful distance, but now that Jaebeom seemed to understand and tried to give him the space he wanted, he felt irritated all the time. He was confusing himself and he knew he was taking it out on Jaebeom. But he couldn't even begin explaining to Jaebeom what he didn't want to admit to himself. 

Jinyoung made his way across to the refreshments table and took his own sweet time filling out a paper cup from the punch bowl, turning around to sneak a glance at Jaebeom to calm his nerves before walking back to him. That was a mistake.

Jaebeom was spread out lazily on his chair, his lazer eyes fixed directly on Jinyoung, narrowed thoughtfully as they looked Jinyoung up and down slowly and laid him bare from across the dance floor. Jinyoung swallowed, hard, his hands shaking. He shoved one hand deep into his jacket pocket and clenched it tight into a fist again, willing the other one holding the cup to stay still.

He couldn't delay the inevitable anymore. Looking down at the floor, pretending to be careful so as not to trip and spill the drink, he made his way back to Jaebeom. Each step making his legs feel like lead.

Halfway across, his eyes snapped up involuntary to glance at Jaebeom again, and he cursed at himself for his lack of self control as he quickly looked back down to the floor. For Jaebeom was still staring, no, ogling at him, the way he'd been ogling Jaebeom a few minutes ago. Jinyoung didn't know what to do. He'd just thrown on the one fancy pair of jeans he owned, his school shirt and his denim jacket when Jaebeom had shown up unannounced. Nothing Jaebeom hadn't seen before, at birthdays and on the rare occasions Jinyoung agreed to join the five of them to hang out at the mall. 

Yet Jaebeom continued to stare at him like he was walking naked around the dance floor. Jinyoung cursed at himself again. If he'd only had better self control and not been affected by Jaebeom looking so attractive as he danced all evening, this wouldn't be happening right now. If he'd only refused to come in the first place. 

Finally, Jinyoung reached Jaebeom and thrust the drink at him, avoiding looking into his eyes for longer than a few seconds. He turned around quickly to pick up the school satchel that he'd grabbed out of habit while leaving his room earlier. 

Another mistake, as he turned back around to catch Jaebeom quickly snatching his eyes away from his butt, ears red. 

God, what were they both doing... 

"Hyung I'm going home. Mom has to get to work early tomorrow and I'm the only one home right now." 

"Breakfast duty?" Jaebeom asked, clearly trying to be casual as they made eye contact again. 

"Yeah." 

"Okay, let's go." 

"No you stay. I'm gonna use one of the school bikes they keep for emergencies." 

"Nyoung..."

"Just tell the others for me okay?"

"Jinyoung!" 

Jinyoung paused, trying not to lose eye contact and make things even more uncomfortable between them. Jaebeom very rarely used his birth name, it was always either Jinyoungie or Nyoung, unless he was being really serious or he was really frustrated. Knowing Jaebeom, there wasn't much difference between the two. 

"Can we talk?" 

"We're talking." 

"No. Not here. Outside, somewhere private." 

"This is private. Everyone's dancing." 

"Jinyoung, don't be like this. I really need to talk to you." said Jaebeom setting his cup aside and getting up. 

"Let's go." he said, zipping up his black, high collared jacket to the neck.

Jinyoung and his sisters had spent three months' earnings to buy it for Jaebeom's 18th birthday. The rest of his gifts had been used and discarded weeks ago, but the jacket, the real gold chain with a Yin and Yang locket from Jackson's Chinese grandmother, the latest gaming console from Yugyeom and Bambam, and the expensive silver friendship ring from Mark had all stayed. 

Jinyoung had looked at all the gifts and felt the distinction between him and Jaebeom more than ever. He did, every year. Never with their other friends, strangely, but always with Jaebeom. 

Yet Jaebeom had looked at the jacket like it was his most prized possession, embarrassing Jinyoung when he insisted on putting it on immediately, while his parents' gold watch remained forgotten on the table next to the cake.

Jinyoung had felt extremely guilty as Jaebeom's parents smiled warmly infront of their guests and pretended they hadn't been forced to invite Jinyoung after a massive temper tantrum from Jaebeom, that had resulted in a medical brace on his wrist and his brand new sports car having to be sent back to have a huge dent repaired, left by his old gaming console that had been thrown out of the back facing window unceremoniously. 

Jinyoung had just been glad it wasn't a human being. Jaebeom had promised him afterall.

So he had no choice but to follow Jaebeom all the way around to the school backyard. 

They were alone here. Most of the teachers were home, only a few staying back to chaperone. No one was coming to look for them and Jinyoung was scared out of his wits.

Jaebeom stopped by the swings, playing with his Yin and Yang locket as he turned around. He looked nervous, which was nothing to how Jinyoung felt. He knew his own face was calm and composed, but the fists clenched tight in his pockets begged to differ as he kept his eyes on Jaebeom's braced wrist.

"Jinyoungie..."

"What?" Jinyoung snapped again. He could feel the panic rising in his chest as he tried to keep his face blank. 

Jaebeom looked taken aback for a moment, like he was considering changing his mind. Jinyoung prayed he would. But Jaebeom just took a deep breath and began again. 

"Nyoung, before we go off to college...there's this thing...I mean, you know, you obviously _know_ ...but I still need to say it...for clarity's sake."

Jinyoung couldn't breathe. How was it possible that the open playground felt more stuffy than the school gym crammed with dancing teenagers? He'd had enough of the lack of oxygen around Jaebeom. If Jaebeom really wanted to do this, he'd better make it quick before Jinyoung ran away gasping for air. 

"Hyung this isn't a graduation speech, just spit it out." 

Jaebeom looked hurt and Jinyoung cursed at himself for the fifth or sixth time that evening. Riling Jaebeom up was not going to help the situation in anyway. He didn't want Jaebeom to be mad at him before going to college. 

They'd already had a fight about Jinyoung choosing to share a dorm with strangers rather than moving into Jaebeom's rented apartment off campus, a graduation gift from his parents. 

Jinyoung had assured him that Yugyeom had promised to join him the very next year. He'd been moved up two grades and would be graduating earlier than Bambam, at the suggestion of their school councellor, to join a preparatory course in Jinyoung and Jaebeom's University before sitting the entrance exam for med school. 

Jinyoung and Yugyeom had a celebratory wrestling match at their next sleepover in Jaebeom's room, where Jinyoung passed on the happy news. Jaebeom, who had seemed as ecstatic as the rest of them at Yugyeom's early graduation, seemed to blanch at the news of him planning to share a tiny dorm with Jinyoung rather than moving in with Jaebeom or renting his own apartment off campus, that he could very well afford. 

Jinyoung had felt a tiny spark of jealousy at Jaebeom being over protective of Yugyeom, but he'd pushed it aside, like all his other unnatural feelings for Jaebeom. He had felt the pang of jealousy earlier too, when Jaebeom had fussed over Yugyeom being too young to show up at Jaebeom's house for the sleepover on his brand new sports bike with Jinyoung riding pillion. 

After they had all finished congratulating him, Jaebeom, who had grown moodier with every passing minute, had suddenly found it quite necessary to make Yugyeom vacuum away every crumb of patato chips he and Jinyoung had knocked over while wrestling on Jaebeom's carpet, a necessity that could not be delayed until later apparently, as he watched over him in stubborn silence while the rest of them threw more chips for Yugyeom to clean. 

"Fine. I'll get to the fucking point then." said Jaebeom suddenly, his eyes dark and intense, piercing into Jinyoung like they'd done back in the gym. Jinyoung's mouth opened slightly, without warning, to let in a breath of air that didn't seem to exist. 

And Jaebeom saw it, Jinyoung knew Jaebeom saw it, his eyes fixed on Jinyoung's lips as he stepped closer. Just a tiny step, not too much, but deliberate enough to make his intention clear. 

"I like you Jinyoungah. A lot. I'm sure you know already." he said, his hooded eyes not leaving Jinyoung's lips for even a moment. 

"It's-no you don't." Jinyoung said calmly, still trying to fill his lungs and failing miserably. 

"Yes, I do!" 

"No. You don't." 

"For God's sake Jinyoung, we're eighteen, not toddlers!" 

"That's exactly what I mean. We're teenagers. Remember what your parents said to Appa on your sixteenth birthday?" Jinyoung was still the epitome of calm, while his nails dug into his palms deeper at the memory. 

"Really Jinyoung?! I'm out here trying to tell you how I feel and you're going to dismiss it all as teenage hormones like my clueless parents? You've known for years, what the fuck's wrong with you!" 

"Hyung, stop. Just stop. Do you even hear yourself? We're friends. We're starting college soon, neither of us has time for this bullshit." He was sure his nails were going to puncture through his skin anytime now.

"Bullshit?" said Jaebeom, his voice suddenly weak and shaky, as he stared at Jinyoung wide eyed. 

And Jinyoung knew he'd gone too far. They stood like that for a while, chests heaving, as Jaebeom looked stubbornly at the ground, his hand clenched so tightly around the swing that Jinyoung was sure there would be some damage, either to its chain links or to the brace on Jaebeom's hand. 

Jinyoung was terrified. He knew what he'd said earlier was true, practical, but that did not stop his heart from beating hard as he considered throwing caution to the winds for a moment, to smash his mouth against Jaebeom, giving in to his feelings once and for all and wiping away the hurt from Jaebeom's face. 

But the moment passed and he didn't move. His priorities, his reservations, they were all too real and valid to be dismissed just like that. His parents and his sisters might be ready to overlook them for his happiness, but that didn't mean he should let them. 

Finally, Jaebeom looked back up, all the passion gone from his eyes as they turned back into the light, molten gaze Jinyoung was used to, the familiar warmth comforting him like nothing else could.

"Look at us Jinyoungie. Fighting again, right before we leave for college. I don't want that." 

"I don't want to fight either Hyung." 

"Right...forget what I said...Let's just go home." 

"You sure you don't want to stay?" 

"No, I...I think I'm done for the night."

"Okay." said Jinyoung, watching Jaebeom nervously the whole time they walked back to his car where Kang Hyung waited to take them home.

They climbed into the back seat and Jaebeom proceeded to put his head on Jinyoung's shoulder the entire way, while Jinyoung tried to to avoid Kang Hyung's quiet, empathetic glances through the rear view mirror. Ofcourse, he must have guessed everything. Jaebeom never kept his own secrets. 

Jinyoung closed the door to his own bedroom half an hour later, finally alone, and exhausted to the core. He took off his clothes and threw them into the hamper before throwing himself into bed, without bothering to put on his pyjamas.

Pretending like his heart didn't ache at the wet patch on his shirt sleeve left by Jaebeom's tears. 

Jinyoung watched the man standing next to him and willed himself to not fall in love all over again, as they looked out over the mountains and waited for their friends to get ready.

So close, yet so far. He couldn't even pretend not to know how they'd ended up like this. 

His only hope was that one day Jaebeom would love someone with the same passion that he had always loved Jinyoung. If he'd already found that person, so be it. 

*

"This is a bad idea. A bad bad idea!" said Jaebeom, pacing to and fro in his office.

"Why? Why is it so bad? Don't you want to reconnect with your friends, the way you used to?" asked Youngjae.

"Ofcourse I do."

"Then what is the problem?" 

"You don't see it? Texting my ex when we've only just started to move on? Really Youngjae?" 

"It's a group chat. I keep telling you, what you had with Jinyoung is different Hyung. He's been a part of your life for a decade. You and I, we happened only a month ago, if we break up it's going to hurt like a bitch, and then we can move on. But with Jinyoung, you have so much more - school, uni, your friends, birthdays, he's not just your ex best friend or boyfriend or fiancé, he's family. You sure you wanna give that up so easily?" 

Jaebeom didn't say anything. Youngjae could sense that his mind was a complete mess, as he picked up his crystal paper weight from his work desk and turned it round and round in his fingers. 

"Okay. I understand it's awkward. But didn't you say he's moved on?" Youngjae prompted, when it was clear Jaebeom wasn't going to take the conversation any further. 

"I said I think he might have moved on. That does not make this a good idea." 

"What are you afraid of?" 

"You don't know?" 

"Tell me even so." 

"Youngjae..."

"Tell me!" 

"I'm too weak Jaeyah! I'm afraid! What if he doesn't want this? What if we're not ready? What if he thinks the idea's utter bullshit? Me wanting to be "friends" with him after I walked out on him! What if he wants me out of his life completely? I wouldn't blame him either!" 

"Hyung. You're both adults. I'm sure since he didn't leave the group chat already, he doesn't mind you being there." 

" _But what if we're not ready_? And what about you? Why didn't you let Mark Hyung add you too?" 

Youngjae held his face gently with both hands. Jaebeom leaned in to them and closed his eyes. 

"You've gone months without contact Hyung, when do you think you'll be ready? I'm not on the group chat yet because I didn't want to get into the middle of all this too soon. Just start a conversation with them all in general and then you can introduce me after, say in a week or so." He said. 

"I don't know..." said Jaebeom, pushing Youngjae away gently and resuming his fiddling with the paperweight. 

"Hyung please. You've been sober for months now. Jackson has been hounding me every day asking if you're not going to fall off the wagon again. Just show up and show them. It's just text."

"How can I show them when I'm not sure myself!"

"And how else will you be sure? How will anyone of us know for sure? Don't shut them out again Hyung. You guys need to talk it out. You can't move on, we can't move on if your past is still hanging over us. Because I hate uncertainty as much as you. I can't continue being with you without knowing what will happen if Jinyoung were to appear before you out of the blue. I'm ready to step back and remain friends or take our relationship forward, but only when I know your heart. Do it for me. You don't have to see him. Just talk to him again, text him through the group chat. Start with that. I'm not telling you to have deep conversations and dig up the past, you're going to have to do that sooner or later, no matter how much it hurts. And it's going to hurt, no matter how much time you take to be sure, it'll be like ripping off a bandage from a fresh wound. Trust me, I know. You're going to have to talk to him about all of that, about the breakup, about your relationship before, everything that went wrong. But for now all you have to do is be civil, that's the first step."

Jaebeom's finger had shaken so much before pressing the send button as he responded to Jinyoung's "hello" on their new group chat. 

"You sure you're okay with this Youngjae?" 

"Come on Hyung. I wanna get to know your friends too, apart from them constantly pestering me about your health. Jinyoung too. The way you describe him, he seems like a nice, practical guy."

"Youngjae, please, if any part of this is making you uncomfortable, just tell me. I will stop at just this." 

"Hyung. It's going to be fine." 

"I thought that too Youngjae. In the beginning. That I'll be fine. But I wasn't. Don't you remember how I was when you found me?" 

Youngjae felt silent. Jaebeom didn't remember much of it, but Youngjae would never forget the night he'd rescued Jaebeom just in time, from a fate worst than he could have imagined. 

"I'm sure Hyung. You can do this. We can do this. Together."

*

"Jinyoung?" 

"Uh..." 

"Jinyoung! I knew you'd find me. I love you so much...so, so much...!" 

"Okay, okay, you're okay...I've got you." 

"Baby, please take me home. Where have you been? You're never there." 

"I'm here now. I'll take you home. Promise."

"I know...I know...You're so beautiful. Just like I remember." 

"Hold on to my arm Hyung, you're falling." 

"You'll catch me." 

"I will, but it will be easier if you co-operate." 

Jaebeom giggled deliriously. 

"I'm gonna make it up to you. You'll see." 

"I'm sure you will." 

"I'm gonna fuck you so hard, you won't remember a thing."

"Umm...thanks, I guess."

"Or you can fuck me."

"We can talk about that later. We just need to get you home now."

But Jaebeom clearly wasn't listening. 

"Or if you want, I'll just stay away, I won't disturb your work, you won't even know I'm there. Anything you want baby. Just don't let me leave again. Don't let me go." 

"I won't." 

"You'll stop me, promise?" 

"I promise." 

Disoriented from the drugs, he hadn't noticed Youngjae driving him to a different, more swanky neighborhood than his rented, trashy loft. 

"Hyung, you have to let go." 

"No! No! Don't leave me baby please!" 

"I'm not leaving, I'm just gonna get you changed and call your doctor."

"Okay."

Youngjae moved swiftly to remove Jaebeom's dirty clothes. There were no spares in the apartment but Jaebeom would have to make do with a heated blanket for now. Jaebeom's doctor showed up half an hour later. Youngjae had expected Jaebeom's father to accompany him, but all he did was text Youngjae an address and warn him against informing Jaebeom's mother. The doctor left and Jaebeom seemed to be drifting off into sleep. Youngjae felt his heart ache at the sight. How could such a beautiful man who seemed to have it all be reduced to this, a mere shell of a human being... 

He called out to the two uniformed nurses to come in, so he could leave. But a weak hand on his wrist stopped him. 

"Where are you going...?" Jaebeom asked, his voice barely audible. 

"Home." 

"No, no, this is home Jinyoungie, what are you saying..." 

Youngjae had to bend down and place his ear right next to Jaebeom's lips, so he could understand. 

"I'm not Jinyoung."

"Why are you doing this to me...?" Jaebeom sobbed into Youngjae's hand, as he brought it up to his face. 

Youngjae was at a complete loss. He gestured the two nurses to attach the IV and urine bag and then wait outside. He had no idea why he felt drawn to the man himself, but he would not let Jaebeom lose any more dignity infront of strangers. 

"Hyung you have to sleep it off. I'll come back in the morning." 

"No, no! You can't leave. I won't let you."

And with surprising strength, Jaebeom had pulled Youngjae down on top of him. Youngjae tried to struggle half heartedly, trying his best not to dislodge the IV drip or the urine bag still connected to Jaebeom. Clearly Jaebeom was too far gone to understand what he was doing and all he wanted was to be with this Jinyoung for one night. 

Youngjae had heard enough rants about Jaebeom's obsession with Jinyoung from Lim senior. This was bound to be easier than the bribing, negotiating and threatening he had to do to make sure there were no paparazzi photos of him dragging Jaebeom out of the back entrance of the bar that night. Lim senior had refused to involve any other employee, his concern for his son's safety far outweighed by the shame of knowing where he was likely to be found. So what harm could it do? 

"Okay, okay, let me get comfortable." 

"Okay."

"Um...you have to let go Hyung."

"No."

"Alright." Youngjae sighed, and with some effort managed to roll himself on his side to slide an arm beneath Jaebeom's head while Jaebeom still clung to his other arm tight, lying straight for once. 

He struggled to get into a more comfortable position, not used to sleeping in his work clothes, but not finding any valid reason to remove them either, what with an almost naked Jaebeom breathing heavily with his face turned towards his chest, clad only in his boxers. He couldn't remember when he fell asleep to the sound of Jaebeom's rhythmic breathing. 

In the morning, Youngjae lay awake for close to two hours, confused and disoriented for the first few minutes, as if he'd been the one drugged. It had been surprisingly comfortable after that. He checked his phone. He had slept for nine hours without any calls from his boss. 

Youngjae could hardly believe it. He couldn't remember the last time he had slept like a log without having to think about work. Jaebeom's warmth had lulled him into the first deep slumber he'd had for months, probably years. He'd been annoyed yesterday, being told to find and babysit a grown up man, older than him by two years. But the state in which he'd found Jaebeom...

He shivered as he imagined what could have happened. Whatever higher power that had been watching over Jaebeom, it had led Youngjae to him just in time. So he felt a sense of responsibility towards Jaebeom. It was evident from his mumblings that he was hurting, he did really love this Jinyoung guy. Or maybe it was just obsession, like his boss said. 

Whatever it was, kindness to Jaebeom had its perks afterall, it kept Lim senior off his back all morning. As if he was waiting for Youngjae to magically fix his son and present him in perfect condition without having to find out how much damage had been done in the first place. 

Youngjae was startled suddenly by a knock on the door. 

"Come in."

"Sir, we need to check his vitals and take out his IV."

"Wait! Didn't it run out last night?!" Youngjae looked at the almost empty drip in panic, unable to move because of Jaebeom. 

"No we switched them twice. You were too deep in slumber everytime we came to check on him, so we didn't wake you up."

"Okay...that's, good. Thanks." he said, embarrassed, as he imagined the uncomfortable situation around which the nurses would've had to work last night. 

"I'll make sure to send a good review to the hospital. And you'll be compensated for your...discretion, ofcourse." he said, flashing the nurses with a brilliant smile. "You can get some sleep when you're done, you must be exhausted, I'll take over for a while."

"Thank you, thank you sir." said the nurses blushing and bowing repeatedly before checking up on Jaebeom, collecting his fluids for tests, packing up the medical supplies and leaving quietly.

Jaebeom's doctor would be visiting them in the afternoon. Meanwhile, Youngjae had to find a way to menouver Jaebeom into a comfortable position on actual pillows and stretch the stiffness out of his own body that was making its presence felt gradually and painfully, the morning didn't seem so pleasant anymore. Also, he was hungry. 

As Youngjae tried to shift, experimentally slow, Jaebeom mumbled something, placing a kiss over his heart and squeezing his waist before slowly opening his eyes. 

"Where...are...we?" Jaebeom seemed to be having trouble speaking and keeping his eyes open for more than a few seconds.

Youngjae could tell that the drug had left its effect even after getting flushed out of his body. Where Jaebeom had been strung tight and so jumpy that he couldn't control his legs enough to walk properly last night, he was quite sluggish and slow this morning. 

"Your dad told me to bring you here." 

Jaebeom took a few minutes to register the situation as he looked up at Youngjae, lines of confusion forming deep between his brows. And then he froze, eyes widening in horror, as he scrambled away weakly and fell off the bed before Youngjae could catch him, they'd been too close to the edge. Jaebeom groaned as a bruised hip was now added to all of his other problems. 

"Who...are...you?" 

"Youngjae. Remember? Your dad's assistant." said Youngjae, his arms held up as he backed away slowly. 

"What...are you...doing here? Did I...did we...?"

"What? No! Nothing like that. I'm just here to make sure you're okay!" said Youngjae getting off the bed and standing up in deference.

Jaebeom might have been disowned but he was still his boss's son. 

"And...my...clothes?" 

"Puked on, caked with dirt." 

"Did you...stay here...all night." 

"Not by choice." 

"Oh...oh... I'm sorry..." Jaebeom mumbled, going red, as he rubbed at the marks left by the needle and tape on his arm. 

"It's okay, really, you slept the whole night, didn't even snore."

"Still...I'm sorry, God...what happened last night...I'm aching all over.... said Jaebeom, rubbing his face slowly in frustration. 

"How much do you remember?"

"I don't...know..." said Jaebeom weakly, his puffy eyes slowly filling with fear. "Some guy...bought me a drink...we've been talking...for a couple of days now...I thought I'd just have...one last drink and go...home as usual, but... that's all I remember..." 

Youngjae walked over to pick Jaebeom up gently and sat him down on the bed, covering his lower body with the comforter. He poured a glass of water and made sure Jaebeom gulped it down. 

"Hyung I'm gonna tell you everything I know, but I'm gonna need you to not get ahead of yourself and jump to conclusions, can you do that?" 

"I think so..." said Jaebeom, still looking scared. 

"I need you to remember that you're safe. Okay? Nothing happened."

"Ok...ay..."

"Can I tell you now?" 

"Yes...and after that...you're gonna stay...here...with me?" 

"If you want me to?" 

"Is that...part of your...job?" 

"Kind of, but I do think you need a friend, so I'll stay, if you want me to." 

"I have friends..." said Jaebeom. 

"... but I think...I'd like you...to stay."

"Good." 

So Youngjae held Jaebeom's hand and didn't let go. 

*

Youngjae was startled out of his reverie by a sharp knock on his door. He glanced back out of the window and saw Jaebeom still looking out at the mountains near the edge of the cliff, while Jinyoung watched him absently. Youngjae couldn't understand who it could be then. Perhaps Bambam or Mark, come to hurry him up? Confused, Youngjae quickly moved to open the door. 

And came face to face with Jackson Wang.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cheers to Jinyoung always being on Jaebeom's mind when they're apart, cheers to JackJae and JennieBeom as well. 💚

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can never forget to thank you guys enough for your continuous support. Every notification is like a tiny push for me to keep going.💚
> 
> PS: I decided to put up simple mood boards for chapt12 and onwards because I don't really describe clothing but I wanna give you guys a glimpse of what my vision is for every character in that moment. You can check my twitter:
> 
> Twitter: (@GK7ahgase): https://twitter.com/GK7ahgase?s=09

* * *

"Jaebeommah, stop, please! Aboji didn't mean it!" 

Jaebeom wrenched his arm out of his mother's grasp and ran it across his face to wipe his tears, as he continued to shove his things into a large suitcase. 

"Beommah please! You're breaking my heart!" 

"Eomma stop it, just stop! You're the only reason I've still been living in this hell hole! Don't stop me tonight, please! Not this time!" 

"Jaebeommah, listen to me... Listen!" 

His mother grabbed his arms and pushed him to sit down on his bed. 

"Let me talk to Aboji, I'll convince him, I promise! He'll listen to me!" 

"When has he ever listened to you? When? And how will you convince him when the only reason you're on my side is because you don't want me to leave! Don't pretend like you didn't side with him and insult Jinyoung's father on my sixteenth birthday! You used to treat him like a son, yet you broke his heart, when he wasn't even in love with me! Almost broke our friendship! I will never forget it eomma, never!" Jaebeom said, his voice trembling as he forced himself up despite his mother still hanging on to him tightly. 

"I've only wanted what's best for you! You're our only son!" 

"So why can't you see that it's Jinyoung?! You used to adore him! So much that it used to make me jealous sometimes! So what changed eomma? Why can he be my friend but not my husband?" 

"Don't act like I tried so hard to keep you two apart Jaebeommah!" said his mother, getting angry now. "Do you think I didn't know what you two were getting up to in college? And even last week, going off to that cabin with your friends? I was the one who had to hide it from your father, that _he_ was going to be there too! Do you know how hard it is to lie to him? I turned a blind eye because I know you're young and you have needs! Yes he's smart and well spoken and _pretty_ , but that's exactly how these people reel you in! Why couldn't you be with Jackson? You've known each other for years! Your Aboji would have made no objection! Why him? That ungrateful tramp who doesn't even love you! You might feel like you're the one who's fucking him but he'll be the one who owns you, mark my words...!" 

"I'M MARRYING HIM EOMMA, FOR GOD'S SAKE HOLD YOUR TONGUE!" 

Jaebeom couldn't believe his mother was capable of such venom. Always so refined, demure and proper. But this whole situation was bringing out the worst in her, and it was all Jaebeom could do to keep reminding himself that his mother loved him. 

"Do not raise your voice against your mother for that man! No one knew about him until you felt the need to blab infront of the whole family! If you'd just talked to us first..." 

"Why? So you could blackmail me? So you could threaten him? Insult his family some more? Did you tell me how you were going to announce my engagement with Jennie tonight?! I know you love me eomma, but you're blinded by the beliefs you grew up with and I don't want to be a part of your circus anymore!" said Jaebeom turning back to his packing. 

"And how are you going to survive, where are you going to live? You just bought a car for him, didn't you? Are you going to live in it, or are you going to be a burden to your friends now?" 

"I have a job mother!" 

"Where? You didn't even get a degree." 

"I have a degree." 

"And it's useless! What job are you going to do? Wipe tables again with Jinyoung? Sing in bars? Sell your photos to tourists near the Han River?" 

"Jinyoung's been offered a job at a reputed firm, no thanks to any of his connections. As for me, you would know what job I was doing if you'd paid attention eomma. But right now, it's none of your business." 

Jaebeom shut his suitcase with a snap, gave himself a finger burn while zipping it up furiously and picked up the duffle bags he hadn't found the chance to unpack after their trip. He looked around his room to make sure he'd packed all his equipment, CD cases and portfolios, and then he was out of the door, struggling under the weight of three bulging bags and a tripod case. His mother barely managing to keep up in his wake. 

"Jaebeommah, please....!" 

"Just stop eomma, you've said enough!" 

"I'm sorry baby! I was angry, I said things! Let me talk to Aboji, I promise I'll make him listen!" 

"Eomma, just go back inside." 

But then, as Jaebeom turned around the corner into the foyer he came face to face with his father standing erect near the front door, next to a very nervous Jackson who'd stayed back to pick him up. As Jaebeom faltered and his mother took the opportunity to grab his arm again, while Jackson lunged for some of his luggage, his father spoke up, his calm facade finally breaking to reveal his anger. 

"That's enough of this Lim Jaebeom! I've put up with your tantrums for years, indulged your every whim, and all that's ended up doing is make you even more ungrateful and selfish! Look what you're doing to your mother!" 

"I'm not doing anything. It's you who's doing this to us Aboji. You." 

"You're ready to leave your parents, your family, _everything_ to shack up with that tramp and I'm the one who's to blame?" 

"He's not a tramp, he's my fiancé, and a better human being than most of the lot you want me to rub shoulders with!"

"What about Jackson here then?" his father snapped back and Jackson visibly stiffened. "You don't mind rubbing shoulders with him. And neither do we! "

"I-It's not like that Aboji. Jaebeom Hyung and I, we've always been like broth-" 

"You don't have to explain anything to him Seunnah! He's doing it on purpose!" 

"Fine, go to that bloody whore of yours! But this is the last time you walk through this door as my son!" His father seemed to have dropped all restraint, his face red with rage. 

"Fuck you!" 

Next moment, Jaebeom's mother gasped and covered her face with her hands as the wind was knocked out of him and his bags slipped from his arms. His father had slapped him right across the face with every bit of strength he could muster. Jaebeom could taste blood inside his mouth, and his lips along with his brain had gone numb. Jackson stood shell shocked, unable to defend him against his own father. 

"Get out. OUT!" 

As his eyes blurred with tears and his jaw clenched, Jaebeom willed himself to not run back into his mother's protective arms like he used to do whenever his father used the cane on him. He simply picked up his bags haphazardly, shouldered his way past his father and stormed out of the front door. Jackson took a second longer to collect himself but then he was running after him to grab his heavy suitcase. 

"WHAT DID YOU DO? WHAT DID YOU DO SANGHYUN, BRING HIM BACK! HE'S LEAVING, STOP HIM!" 

His mother's wails followed them all the way to the end of the drive way as he heard his father snap the door shut behind him with a promising finality. But Jaebeom was determined not to break. Right now, the only thing he wanted to do was get to Jinyoung, as fast as he could. He quickened his pace as he walked past his beloved sports car being washed by the gardener and pulled out his phone to text Jinyoung that he'd be coming to see him soon. 

It's when he stood waiting awkwardly at the front gate, surrounded by his luggage and getting sympathetic glances from the guards as Jackson left him alone to bring his car around, that the situation hit him. He'd just walked out of his father's house, never to return. Walked out on his family, his childhood. 

He couldn't go back to living in his rented apartment. His father had cancelled the lease after his graduation, forcing him to move back home to discuss his future. He'd convinced his father to wait until the trip ended as he had important things to discuss about his future himself, and he'd been pretty sure, none of it was what his father expected or wanted to hear. 

He had talked it out with Jinyoung during his busy last week, taking advantage of the fact that Jinyoung had finally accepted the car without further resistance, thanks to Yugyeom and his mysterious power over Jinyoung. Jinyoung was allowed to live in his dorm after graduation for a couple more months, due to his scholarship and being a TA at the University, but he would have to move out soon. As for Jaebeom, he'd planned to keep on living with his parents for a few weeks while they both went apartment hunting together. 

But after tonight, he would have to live with Jackson, until they found an apartment. Mark and his long time girlfriend Suzy had insisted on offering him their spare room, but they'd just moved in together and Jaebeom absolutely refused to get in the way of their domestic bliss. Yugyeom was still going to be in the dorm for another year and Bambam traveled so much for work he didn't even bother to lease an apartment, living out of hotels or his dad's house whenever he came back home. 

Seven days, seven glorious days with Jinyoung, during which they'd crossed most of the hurdles and barriers in their relationship, barriers that had been of their own making, before they were ready to face the world. And now his life was a raging storm, one that would pull Jinyoung in as well. He'd returned from the trip to find he was expected to host a huge family dinner the very next weekend along his parents, with every rich cousin in the world in attendance, his own best friends, their parents and a close friend of his father's, whose daughter Jennie he'd been assigned to entertain all evening. 

Jaebeom had known her since childhood, and she was a good friend, even though they didn't run in the same friends circle anymore and hadn't met for a couple of years now. She didn't seem to mind his long hair or his piercings, seemed to admire them infact. She was a good conversationalist too, even squeezing a few genuine chuckles out of him despite his pre-occupied state. 

If only Jaebeom hadn't been sweating in his crimson suit, worrying about the reason his father was holding this gathering for, he would have actually enjoyed her company beyond mere chivalry. The way both their parents kept eyeing them standing together with immense satisfaction, he was beginning to get more than a hint. 

"You didn't really know about this, did you Jaebeomie?" 

Jaebeom was surprised. Apparently Jennie wasn't as self centered as he remembered. 

"Er..."

"It's alright. I know it's nothing personal. We've all heard the rumors..." 

Jaebeom's fingers clenched around the stem of his wine glass. 

"I said it's alright." Jennie whispered, tugging at his arm gently so he would bend down to bring his ear closer, her next words sending a shiver down his spine. "I'm not judging you. I know you've been with men _and_ women if I remember correctly...Which means you have a healthy appetite, and an open mind. A necessary virtue, if you're going to keep _me_ happy for the rest of our lives."

Jaebeom turned his face to look at her with his eyebrows raised, their faces close. She was staring unabashedly at his lips, waiting. Was she implying what he thought she was implying? 

"I think I understand your hesitation now." Jennie continued, straightening up when he didn't respond. "One of my bestfriends was in love with a school teacher you know. He was forced to let her go and marry some else, one of "us". I don't think you'd be surprised to know how many of us make the inevitable compromise..."

She smiled and gave a small ostentatious wave to their parents who weren't really trying to be subtle with their glances. 

"...But I refuse to believe things like this necessarily have to end in unhappiness. Though I'd understand if you haven't considered all the _possibilities_ yet..." 

She turned around to look at him again, her sharp eyes piercing through his soul. 

"You've always been different. Tactless, but different. I've always admired that about you...If you want, we can make the best of whatever this is, or I can refuse you with whatever excuse I can come up with so I'm not out here wasting my time anymore." 

Jaebeom was impressed, to say the least. Jennie had been a bit of a brat when they were younger, but they got along well. She had been his first kiss infact. Back when he was a confused twelve year old and she was all of ten, still refusing to call him Oppa. She'd bumped her lips against his while they'd been playing house with his younger cousins, for no reason except that she had seen her mother do it with her husband often and wanted to know what it felt like. 

Even growing up, he had always been in awe of her. She reminded him of Jinyoung a lot, but in a different way. A woman who knew her mind and was willing to go for what she wanted without shame. Even if she didn't rebel against something outright, she made sure it was all on her own terms. 

But she wasn't Jinyoung. 

"Thanks. I really appreciate that. But I'll handle it my way." said Jaebeom, taking another sip from his wine. 

"Listen Jaebeomie, I don't mind rejection. Like I said, I know it's nothing personal. But my parents sure will. And my father's as ruthless as yours when it comes to his family's image." 

"You won't have to worry about that." said Jaebeom, finishing the rest of his wine, his brain on overdrive at the rapid turn of events. 

"Whatever you're going to do, you need to do it before they make their announcement. If anyone can beat them at their own game, it's you...Give me a good show. You owe me that atleast."

Jaebeom turned towards her in surprise again, as she smiled and patted his arm before sauntering effortlessly into a large crowd of his female cousins, who all welcomed her with loud squeals of admiration. Her words had given him the push he needed, and he was really grateful, but he still had no plan in place. 

He didn't get more than a few seconds to agonize over it though, as some of his cousins clamored around him again once they realized he was alone now, clapping his back and making lewd jokes about whatever they'd guessed about him and Jennie and the purpose of that evening. 

He could spot Mark, Suzy, Jackson, Bambam and Yugyeom in the crowd from time to time, standing dutifully next to their parents, trying to appear normal even as they stole worried glances at him every now and then. They were all known to his family, so they could hardly escape without being stopped by one or the other of his aunts pulling their cheeks and commenting on how tall they'd grown or by some of his cousins who recognized them as old playmates. He felt suffocated. And it also didn't help when one of their oldest house help collected his glass from him and whispered, "We're so proud of you Master Jaebeom." in his ear. 

Finally, Jaebeom couldn't take it anymore and decided to just go with his instincts, let the chips fall where they may. 

He waited until they were all seated in his family's magnificent dining hall, only reserved for very important occasions, as his mother led the elders in toasting to what he considered useless and pretentious things, like their traditional family values, the legacy of their ancestors, and their expectations from the next generation of Lims.

Finally, it was his turn as one of the hosts of the night to raise his glass. His father would be going last, to make his grand announcement. 

This was it. 

"To our parents' health, prosperity and happiness...May you suffer our insubordinations for many more generations to come." 

There was a wave of chuckles from the elders across the table, accompanied by loud cheering from his cousins. 

"And last but not the least...to my fiancé, who couldn't be here tonight with me because my parents forgot to invite him."

All Jaebeom could feel at that moment was a weird urge to laugh, even as his heart beat thunderously against his ribcage, terrified at what he'd just done. He watched their faces and wished Jinyoung had been there to see their looks ranging from total devastation to utter disbelief. Some of his favorite cousins snickered lightly, having been in on the secret of his torrid affair for a while now. His four best friends seemed surprised, but ready to roll up their sleeves for him, if need be. 

Jaebeom hadn't had the chance to tell them about him proposing to Jinyoung yet, what with the preparation of the grand dinner, tagging along with his mother for fittings as if for a wedding suit, being made to shadow his father around his office as he worked during the entire week, and his promise to Jinyoung.

Jinyoung had strictly told him to wait for the right moment, keep his parents in a good mood until after the dinner, and then tell them. Jaebeom had never been one to wait, so it had been one of the most difficult weeks of his life. But Jinyoung didn't want to be the cause of a major rift between him and his parents just because Jaebeom was impatient, and he could understand that atleast. 

Some members of his family didn't seem bothered at all, seeming to have only come for a good time and drinks. But they were very few. Most of the older ones seemed scandalized, while the younger ones seemed more worried about the sudden change in their parents' demeanor and the gradual silence that followed. He could feel Jennie's eyes on his face from where she was seated next to him, but he didn't dare look to check her expression. 

She had given him enough encouragement to go after what he wanted, and that was all the kindness he was willing to accept from her. His only payback would be to make sure she didn't destroy her life marrying him, because there was no way in hell he was letting her, or any other man or woman she meant to bring into the equation, touch _his_ Jinyoung. Even if her intentions were adventurous rather than sinister. 

"Jaebeommah!" Jennie's father called out finally. "You shouldn't joke about such things. There are children present."

"Why uncle? Shouldn't my fiancé be invited to a _family_ gathering?"

"Baby, you know your father meant to announce your engagement to Jennie himself. You're spoiling the surprise with this little prank of yours." his mother said, glaring at him even as she held on to her tight smile. 

He felt Jennie bristle slightly at her name being mentioned as several eyes turned on her, but she kept her calm. 

"I know eomma. But I wanted to surprise him before he surprised me. Although he does know about my boyfriend of two years." 

There was a collective gasp across the table and several of his aunts shifted uncomfortably, as if they would grab their children and walk out immediately, if not for the respect owed to his father. 

But Jaebeom didn't care. He was currently locked in a battle of wills with his father, returning his stone cold eyes with his own defiant gaze. The air in the room seemed to get colder every minute as the table got quieter. Even the servers seemed to have frozen in anticipation of a showdown. 

Finally, his father pulled his gaze away and turned towards Jennie's father sitting beside him in furious silence. His father whispered something into his ear that seemed to placate him, even if he still looked highly displeased. 

But it was one of his youngest aunts who spoke up then, with a peal of nervous laughter, almost pleading his case to everyone present. 

"Oppa, you know how our Jaebeomie is. Always the naughtiest in the family and everyone's favorite. But he has a good heart..." she offered bravely. 

That didn't last long, as she quailed under the intense gaze his father turned on her then. A gaze Jaebeom had inherited and returned with interest. 

"He also knows..." His father spoke out loud finally, sweeping his eyes across the gigantic table at every member of the dynasty he headed. "...the respect that is owed, to the family name he was priveleged to be born with." 

He turned to lock eyes with Jaebeom again as he spoke his next sentence.

"If he continues to consider it as a joke, then he will no longer deserve to bear that name." 

There was another moment of silence as a number of his other aunts gave sympathetic glances at his mother, who sat frozen in her seat, eyes on down on her plate. But then, the very next moment infact, they were all turning around to fuss over their children again and a few of his uncles were calling out for refills from the servers standing behind them. And just like that, all previous conversations were restarted slowly and the din was back to its original volume. As if nothing had happened. 

Jaebeom wasn't really surprised. He knew there were more than enough skeletons buried under his family's name. Every family with old money had those, his wasn't any different. Worst crimes had been committed and no one seemed to bat an eye. They'd get over this too. 

As for himself, he was done. What his parents had tried to pull tonight had been the worst they could sink. Compromising an innocent girl's happiness along with their only son's. What was worse was that he was pretty sure, that if Jennie knew about him and Jinyoung, then her parents knew too. There was no way they hadn't been keeping tabs on their prospective son-in-law for years. Yet they chose to go along with his parents' twisted plan. Because of his name. Because that's what families like his have always done. 

This push was all he'd needed to make his decision. If his father threatened to disown him for wanting to marry Jinyoung, so be it. He would beat him to his game again, just like Jennie said. Tonight would be his last night in the house he grew up in. He was an adult, he could take care of himself now. 

Not for the first time, he thanked his lucky stars for bringing Jinyoung to him. The one who'd taught him the importance of being independent. Or he would've been under his father's thumb for the rest of his life. He missed Jinyoung more than ever now, as Jennie turned around to look at him with a smirk of approval. She seemed to have forgiven him for his mother mentioning her name, in favor of the entertainment his "good show" had provided.

He spent the rest of the night with her, playing with some of his little cousins and their toys in a corner, shutting down every other adult who tried to talk to him, with non-committal, monosyllabic answers. Their parents mostly left them alone while his four best friends knew better than to approach him when he was in a mood. 

Jinyoung was the only calm in the turbulence that his brain was functioning in right now and he let him wash over all his thoughts, as one of his little cousins decided to marry him off to Jennie in a mock ceremony that involved stolen decorative flowers pinned to both their long hair, two candy rings and lots of invisible tea in lieu of champagne. 

*

As soon as Jackson's car arrived, Jaebeom's limbs seemed to work on autopilot, as he picked up one bag and Jackson picked up his heavy suitcase again. But before he could reach for the third bag and his tripod case, another pair of strong hands were picking them up and moving firmly towards the back of the car to shove them both into the trunk. Jaebeom watched him quietly, as Kang Hyung walked back, his hand held out for the last bag. 

Jaebeom let go of the strap and threw his arms around him instead, breaking down completely. 

"I'm so proud of you Jaebeommah." 

Jaebeom sobbed even harder. 

"I've watched you grow up, son. I used to worry that you would turn out just like your father when you were old enough. But now I see that you've become the man I've always known you'd be, kind and honest and righteous. Jinyoung is a lucky man to have your love." 

The words were meant to be a soothing balm for his wounds. But they could do nothing to ease the conflicting emotions and the pain in his heart. He wanted to believe that he'd done the right thing, but his mother's cries still rang fresh in his ears and his heart ached, along with his jaw where his father had hit him. 

"You're coming with me." said Kang Hyung

"Where?" Jaebeom sniffled. 

"To my place. I'm not leaving you dependent on the charity of your friends. Your father may be a heartless man, but he's generous with his money. Everything I own is beyond what I have ever needed. You have a right to anything I can offer right now, for as long as you want."

"I told Jackson I'd find a motel, but he wouldn't leave. The other three are waiting with Suzy Noona at his apartment. And I have to go see Jinyoung too. He doesn't know..." 

"Jaebeommah..." Kang Hyung sighed. "Your friends mean well, but they are young, they have lives of their own. You need care and guidance, stability. Come home with me. Mrs. Kim's already there preparing hot tea and a warm bed." 

"I always knew there was something going on between you two." 

"Be quiet. Just because I'm a bachelor and she's a widow...Yah! We're just neighbours!" said Kang Hyung smacking him on the head when he smirked.

Finally, Jaebeom had found the will to move his lips into a tiny smile, as he let go of Kang Hyung and turned towards Jackson who seemed to understand without words. 

"I'll take you to Kang Hyung's place if you want, if you'll feel more at home there. I'll let the others know too." said Jackson, with troubled eyes. 

"Thanks Sennah. Don't let anyone tell Jinyoung though or he'll freak out for sure. I want to talk to him myself, in person." 

"Yeah. Don't worry about that. Anything else you need tonight?" 

"There's this resturant...I booked a table for tomorrow night. You all have to come. I'm going to do things properly this time. I'll text you the details." said Jaebeom, determined. 

Jackson gave him a tentative grin as he clapped him on the shoulder. 

"Okay, I'll come by to pick you up tomorrow morning though. Then we can drive over to the university." he said, as he climbed into the driver's seat and gestured for them to get in as well. Kang Hyung sat on the passenger side, insisting on Jaebeom sitting in the back and resting his head for a bit. Jaebeom didn't resist, as a fresh stream of tears rolled down his face continuously. He turned on his side, facing the back of the seat to hide them as the car begin to move and Jackson filled Kang Hyung in on all that had gone down that night. 

"Won't you lose your job and your apartment once my father finds out?" Jaebeom asked after a while, his voice thick. 

"What makes you think I haven't spent all these years with a backup plan in place? Mrs. Kim and I, we both knew that the moment you walked out of this house was the moment we would walk out with you." 

Jaebeom couldn't find the words to explain his gratitude then, as he leaned forward and squeezed Kang Hyung's shoulder. He didn't have to, as Kang Hyung patted his hand fondly and remained facing the front to give him his privacy.

Jaebeom turned around to take a last look at the street that led to the house he grew up in and realized, that even though his heart was broken and it would hurt for a long time, his family would be right there with him. 

*

"Hi." 

"Jackson? To what do I owe this pleasure?" Youngjae asked coolly. 

Jackson had never really tried hard to hide the lack of love between them in the several months they'd been pushed together because of Jaebeom. So the only acknowledgement Youngjae gave him was condescending politeness, which seemed to annoy Jackson even more. 

Good. 

"I wanted to have a quick word with you. Alone."

"It couldn't wait?" 

"Don't think I'll get another opportunity before we leave." 

Youngjae strongly considered shutting the door in his face. But this was Jackson, Youngjae wouldn't put it past him to break down a door to get his way. 

"Sure. Come in." 

Jackson followed him into the room, shutting the door behind him quietly. 

"So?" Youngjae asked turning around, his arms crossed defensively.

"What is it that you're trying to do Youngjae?" 

"What do you mean Jackson?" 

"Your behaviour...especially with regard to Jaebeom Hyung and Jinyoung, it isn't normal." 

"You're going have to be a little more specific than that." said Youngjae, an eyebrow raised testily. 

"Fine, have it your way...So far, I've overlooked everything you've done for a year, because you've been good to Jaebeom Hyung, good _for_ him. But ever since Nyoung's been added to the equation, your actions have been...quite concerning to me." 

"How so?" 

"I've been wondering if it really was Mark's idea to start that group chat or was he... _influenced_." 

"I wouldn't know. Mark and I might share Coco, but he's not my husband. And in case you haven't noticed, he's quite wise for his age."

"What about _your_ little play of wisdom two nights ago then? That almost ended up destroying the tiny semblance of normalcy that has come back into our lives after a long time. Where did that come from?" 

"Do people always have to have a selfish reason to make a decision? Does having wisdom only entail having some sort of stake in the outcome? Can people not do something because it's the right thing to do?" 

"And how did you know what's the right thing to do here? Experience?" 

"Meaning you can't make sensible decisions unless you've had some sort of past trauma? Who hurt you, that you have such severe trust issues?" 

"I do have trust issues, I won't deny it. And yes, it is with reason and experience. But right now I'm only concerned about my two best friends who seem to trust you blindly." 

"And you're concerned about that because?" 

"Because they're at a very delicate point in their friendship right now, and yet you seem determined in interfering as much as possible. We all saw the result. It was quite a bit of luck that it ended up in bringing some sort of truce between them. So, tell me, did you acheive what you set out to do Youngjae or did your plan backfire?"

"Ouch! You have me all figured out, don't you Jackson?" said Youngjae calmly, his eyes narrowed, the mole under his eye disappearing in the creases. 

"No. I don't Youngjae. That's why I'm here, to get answers."

"Fine. I'll give you answers... My "interference", as you like to call it, is because of my _boyfriend_. The one who comes running to me whenever he's reminded of his toxic relationship with Jinyoung Hyung. I'm the one who has to listen to him toss and turn every night, I'm the one who has to wipe his tears and teach him how to breathe again when he's crying over his ex, I'm the one who had to hold him when his whole body trembled from drug withdrawal. And I'm the one who was willing to be his crutch, so he doesn't go back to using again. I do all that because I care for him. I have been friends with him for a year! We only got into a relationship two months ago. He trusts me, because I am his friend first, then his boyfriend! Because I understand! Because I was there for him when he was about to lose himself so much farther into his own darkness, that he would've been beyond _anyone's_ reach! And the worst part is that you know everything! You know! Yet you stand here judging me for trying to do the right thing for _our_ friend!"

Youngjae could see Jackson's nostrils flare, even as his face remained stubbornly unmoved by Youngjae's words. 

"He had me. He had his mother."

"My brother had me too. Didn't stop him from giving up. Sometimes, a stranger's hand can matter much more than people who've known you for years. People who've watched you slowly destroy yourself, but couldn't do anything to stop you."

"Brother?" 

"None of your business."

Jackson looked like he did want to make it his business, but as Youngjae stared him down in defiance, he seemed to give up. 

"I would have done anything to help Jaebeom Hyung. He knows that!" he snapped instead. 

"And yet he wanted _me_. Between the time you were rushing off to plan a wedding for Mark and managing your work calls, he had only me. As for Ammonim, she was almost the same. Drowning her guilt in alcohol and tears. I had to take care of both Jaebeom Hyung _and_ his heartbroken mother, twenty four hours a day, seven days a week because his father couldn't. I wasn't even his boyfriend. Just his dad's personal assistance who was being paid to do his job. Yet he trusted me with everything. Because I was there for him _beyond_ duty and _beyond_ obligation. All of this does not get invalidated just because we got closer and began a relationship. Who are you to judge us? Jaebeom Hyung has come further with me than he ever could under your care, his _closest_ friend. He got into this mess because of his relationship with Jinyoung Hyung in the first place! They're doing better than ever, after _I_ managed to convince them to talk. Not you, nor any of your other friends. Me! So, don't you dare tell me that I'm _interfering_ and that my plans _backfired_. Just because you feel guilty! Just because I succeeded where you failed!" Youngjae was clenching his fists now, to stop himself from punching something. He didn't realize when he'd uncrossed his arms, and they were now hanging stiffly by his sides, ready to fight.

Jackson looked frustrated himself, as he ran his fingers through his hair and looked wildly around the room to come up with an argument. 

"They're both my best friends! And I'm very protective of them! You can't really blame me, we hardly know you, and you still haven't explained why you care so...!"

"So it's okay for you to care about Jaebeom Hyung because he's your childhood friend, thanks to your rich parents, but it's not okay for his boyfriend?" Youngjae interrupted. "How does that even make sense to you? Why must I face suspicion? Just because I'm an employee instead of the CEO? Because I don't belong in your little clique of friends who were all born rich? Did you treat Jinyoung Hyung the same way too, because he was good enough to get into that elite school of yours all on his own, without his daddy's famous last name or money? Did it take long for you to realize he's actually a better person than half of the rich snobs you guys hob nob with combined?" 

*

Jackson was silent. Youngjae had touched a nerve and he had no words to hit him back with, no arsenal. They hadn't all exactly jumped with joy immediately at Jaebeom's increasing closeness with Jinyoung. But that had been more because of his strange aloofness and his judgemental eyes rather than his status. Or was it? Had it been as simple as that? Jackson couldn't give an absolute yes, even if they all loved Jinyoung with their whole heart now. 

Youngjae seemed to have guessed his train of thought, as he snorted angrily at how Jackson refused to meet his eyes now, staring stubbornly at a point above his shoulder, his face stoic and unrelenting. 

"I like Jaebeom Hyung, I care about him, what's so hard to understand that Hyung might be a guy worthy of affection despite being broken? What's so hard to understand about me actually wanting him to be completely okay with his past, and not just by brushing all his problems under the carpet? Yet here you go jumping to the worst possible conclusions! The others don't seem to think like you. Or are you saying you're the only one with their best interests at heart?"

"That's not what I said." said Jackson quietly. 

"But that's what it feels like." 

"Stop making assumptions like you know me and my friendship with them. Like you know _us_." 

"Hurts doesn't it? When people do that?" 

They were both calm now, talking in a normal tone, as if discussing the day's weather. Jackson cocked his head to the side as he looked at Youngjae thoughtfully for a long time. 

"I'm sorry." He said finally, trying to bring sincerity into every syllable without giving in to his ego. "I know I was being rude. Can we talk about this civilly?" 

"On one condition." said Youngjae.

"What condition?" 

"You will not make any assumptions and you will take my answers exactly the way I give them. No trying to find hidden meanings and sinister plots." 

"I can try." 

"Shoot then." 

"Right...Let's start at the beginning...Why did Jaebeom Hyung's dad send you to pick him up?" 

"Because that was my job as his personal assistant." 

"Did he know you were gay?" 

"I didn't mention it in my resume. If he was keeping tabs on my sex life, then I cannot answer to that." 

"Fair enough." said Jackson. "Why did you move in with Jaebeom Hyung the very week you met him, before you even got to know him that well?" 

"He needed a friend and it was my job to take care of the future heir of Lim Corp."

"Were you paid for it?"

"I was paid to do my job, which involved a lot of things except seducing the son of my boss, if that's what you're implying. You must know their history with Jinyoung. I am no different. Just a lowly employee." 

"I didn't imply anything, it was a simple question." 

"You must think I am dumb." 

"Far from it. It takes exceptional wit and talent to be personal assistant to a notoriously shrewd man like Lim Sanghyun _and_ have his approval to date his only son." 

"Is that all? Or do you have more accusations to hurl at me?" 

"Not accusations, I'm just stating facts. Like how you convinced everyone for this trip. Even Jinyoung. Yet here you are, acting like I've caught you with your hand in the cookie jar." 

"What is with your unnatural protectiveness? Are you in love with Jaebeom Hyung?" 

"Nope. Jinyoung's one of my closest friends and Jaebeom Hyung's my brother. But you've got everyone wrapped neatly around your little finger. It has caused me a lot of discomfort lately, Youngjaessi..." 

Youngjae's face went stone cold. 

" _Like_ your brother." 

"What?" 

"Jaebeom Hyung's _like_ your brother. The same way that I am _like_ your friend but not really your friend." 

"Which means what?" 

"Which means, you don't get to talk to me like that and then expect me to be civil to you." 

Jackson looked at him in quiet contamplation before he opened his mouth again. 

"Save it." said Youngjae. "I've had enough." He walked past Jackson to get to the door. 

"No, wait!" said Jackson, grabbing his arm. Youngjae stopped despite himself.

"I really am sorry this time... You're right. You've been nothing but kind to Jaebeom, to everyone, and I have no right to treat you this way..."

"But you're their best friend and so you must." Youngjae interrupted, as his phone started ringing again. "I get it...I must say I'm quite concerned myself Jacksonssi. I've met very few people who have ever shown outright dislike for me." He added, cutting the call. 

"I don't dislike you."

"Could have fooled me."

"I just don't trust you." 

"After this conversation, I assure you, your sentiments are returned." 

"I'm glad we agree on something then."

"Don't think Jaebeom Hyung would be. But ofcourse you're his bestfriend, you would know better."

"Is that a threat?" said Jackson, a cold smile growing on his face, his eyes glinting dangerously. 

"Nope. I'm just 'stating facts' too. If I didn't know any better, I would have been convinced you were more obsessed with disliking me than protecting your best friends." 

"That's-I'm not obsessed with you." said Jackson incredulously, as his confident facade faltered slightly. 

"That is not what I said." 

And just like that, Youngjae marched out of the room in a dignified manner, leaving Jackson sputtering after him. 

*

It was a whole minute before Jackson realized his mouth was still open in quiet disbelief. Damn that Youngjae! He was good with words. Jackson would have admired it, had his best friends' happiness not been on the line.

He had taken a calculated risk in talking to Youngjae. Wanting to confirm some of his suspicions. Or just the fact that Youngjae _was_ , infact, hiding something. But Youngjae had behaved exactly the way anyone would have behaved if they'd been falsely accused of plotting against their boyfriend's happiness. 

So why was his mind still not satisfied? 

There was something quite magnetic about Youngjae. Something Jaebeom seemed to disregard completely, reducing him to a mere two dimensional version of the personality Jackson could see unraveling before him. A mere _crutch_ , like Youngjae said. But within the limited time that they had interacted, Youngjae had proven himself to be much more than what met the eye. No one else seemed to even bother reading between the lines or letting their brain register more than what was being said. And he couldn't help the feeling that it was exactly how Youngjae intended it to be. 

There was definitely something more to his involvement in all of this than he was letting on. And even if it wasn't necessarily evil, Jackson was sure Jaebeom would want to know. Didn't he keep telling everyone how their relationship was based on honesty? Yet Jaebeom was always too content to wait 'until Youngjae is ready' to follow up everytime Jackson voiced his suspicions. Jackson knew Jaebeom was still emotionally weak, still trusted too easily, was still afraid to be unloved and discarded, first by his parents, then Jinyoung and now Youngjae. Jackson had learnt his own lessons a long time ago, thanks to Jaebeom's timely help. Yet Jaebeom clearly wasn't there himself. 

So it had fallen upon Jackson now to dig up more about Youngjae's past before it was too late, starting with his brothers. He owed it to the best friend who had saved him all those years ago.

*

Meanwhile Youngjae was quickly going through his phone to make sure all his private messages were locked and password protected. He didn't want any accidental notifications to pop up while Jinyoung was using it. He even went as far as to block a certain number, so there wouldn't be any unwelcome phone calls. 

He'd offered Jinyoung his phone without thinking, because Jinyoung had looked so low, like he really needed his mother at the moment. Besides, he did feel guilty about their fight. And about other things he couldn't tell anyone... 

Making sure Jinyoung could talk to his mother was small compensation, but it was something. So now, Youngjae had to take every precaution to make sure his phone was safe to be handed over. 

Jackson's distraction had been unexpected, but not surprising. Youngjae had been handling him for almost a year now. But the man just wouldn't leave him alone. Youngjae would have really found his interest in his best friend's life endearing, if it didn't come bundled with distrust towards himself. 

It frustrated Youngjae to an unexplainable degree, considering how much he'd studied and admired the quick rise of the young CEO of Wang industries, acquiring several smaller corporations within just a couple of years of taking over from his father. His intelligence, energy and charisma had quickly made him the face of "Rising new stars of the corporate world" in all of Asia, gracing the covers of almost every reputed business journals out there. Being an exceptionally handsome, young bachelor helped quite a bit too. 

Youngjae hesitated at the kitchen window downstairs that looked out to the back of the house, and watched Jaebeom and Jinyoung again, his mind a whirlpool of conflicting resolutions. A few moments later, Jackson was walking past him without a word and walking out of the back door to join them. Youngjae watched them all laugh together for a whole minute before he realized that he was staring at Jackson alone. Suddenly, as if he'd come to the realization at the same time himself, Jackson turned around to look back towards the window and they locked gazes.

Two things were very clear to Youngjae in that moment - that Jackson Wang was unstoppable... 

And now, he had his eyes set on Youngjae. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung gets bad news and Jaebeom isn't there with him. Can he get through this ordeal without him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a slightly longer chapter because you guys deserve it after being made to wait for so long. 💚Thank you once again for waiting guys! Work has been a bit hectic so I didn't get much time to edit this one. I hope you guys have been staying at home and taking precautions. 
> 
> The next part of the story is going to be emotionally charged and I don't want to compromise on that. Once that part is done I'm going to be sticking to fluff for a while (or maybe not, don't take my word for it) 😂
> 
> I'll revisit this later to edit it some more but for now I hope you guys enjoy it.

* * *

"Eomma? Can you hear me?" 

"Jinyoungie, oh thank God!" 

"Heeyoung Noona? Why do you have eomma's phone, is she alright?" 

"It's appa! He's not okay..." 

"What?!" 

"...I've been trying to reach you since yesterday! It's his heart again! We're all here at the hospital, eomma, eonnie, Sangook Oppa.... Come back home Jinyoungie!" 

"I'm coming! I'm leaving right now! I'll be there as soon as I can! Hold on okay Noona! I'm coming!" 

Jinyoung ran down the stairs immediately, skipping two steps at a time and crashing straight into Yugyeom who had just returned with his arms laden with groceries. Some of the bags fell as he stumbled back, trying to steady himself and break Jinyoung's fall at the same time. 

"Hyung, wha-?" 

"Gyeom, Give me the car key! I have to go home!"

Yugyeom dropped the remaining bags immediately to grip Jinyoung's arm tight while he groped around in his pocket for the key. 

"But what happened?" 

"Appa had another attack! Eomma must be freaking out! I have to get home! "

However, as he reached out to grab the key, Yugyeom pulled it back instead and turned towards the front door. 

"I'm driving, but we have to tell the others too." he said with forced calm, taking long strides back towards Jaebeom's car which he'd luckily left parked by the front steps. Jinyoung hurried after him. 

"I don't give a shit about the others right now Yugyeom! Just drive!" He snapped, scrambling into the passenger seat as fast as he could. 

"You have Youngjae Hyung's phone. Call Mark Hyung. It will calm you down. Trust me. And put your seat belt on..." said Yugyeom, buckling Jinyoung up himself when he showed signs of impatience. 

Jinyoung let out a frustrated grunt as Yugyeom finally pulled out of the driveway and sped off down the road. He quickly switched on Youngjae's phone and dialled Mark. Not getting a ringtone, he immediately dialled Jaebeom. Still no go. He was about to throw the phone onto the back seat in frustration when it rang again. Thinking the unknown caller was his sister, he quickly picked up the call without checking the number. 

"Hello?!" 

Nothing. He could hear the angry breathing of a man but there was no other sound, no acknowledgement that he had been heard. 

"Hello? Who's this?" 

Instead of an answer, he was met with absolute silence as the man, he was sure it was a man, cut the call. 

Jinyoung stared at the phone, puzzled, forgetting about his troubles for a moment. 

"Bad signal?" 

He jumped at the sound of Yugyeom's voice that seemed to ring louder with the car windows up, it already became high pitched whenever Yugyeom was stressed. 

"Yeah, don't think it was Noona though, it's not her number, or eomma's...some man..."

"A doctor maybe?" 

"I don't think so, Noona would've spoken first..." 

"Call it back. Maybe her voice got distorted because of signal noise. It could be Noona."

"What if it's a friend of Youngjae's?"

"Couldn't be, the number would've been saved. It's either a wrong number or it's Sooyoung Noona this time. Call her number first." 

"But what if it's Sangook Hyung? I don't really remember his number." 

"Try Noona's phone first, if you can't get through, then we can try that new number."

"Yeah, that makes sense...whoever it was sounded really disturbed though..." 

Jinyoung didn't know how, but he'd felt the implied rage behind the caller's heavy breathing. He felt a chill run down his spine as he realized that it could be directed against Youngjae, they didn't know anything about his personal life after all. Sweet, caring Youngjae. Jaebeom would know ofcourse...wouldn't he? 

Jinyoung's oldest sister picked up immediately. 

"Jinyoungie, are you okay? Is someone with you? Please tell me you're not driving alone! I told Heeyoung to let me talk to you first but that girl just..." 

"No, I'm okay Noona. I'm with Gyeom. He'll get us there quicker. Don't worry about me." said Jinyoung, giving Yugyeom a side glance. 

Yugyeom kept his eyes on the road, a frown on his face as he focused on driving as fast as possible without getting them into an accident. Jinyoung couldn't be more grateful to have Yugyeom with him, he was their fastest driver and just his warm presence was enough to keep some of Jinyoung's panic at bay. 

"How's Appa?" 

"He's-they're working on him Jinyoungie. I'm sure he's going to be okay."

"How bad?" 

"Nyoungie..."

"How bad Noona?" 

"He's going to be fine. It's just a bit tricky because it's his second attack. But he's going to be fine." 

"Did the doctors tell you that?" 

"Nyoung I have to go..."

"No! Noona, just tell me, God...!"

"For fuck's sake Jinyoung! I have a hysterical mother and a sister to take care of while your Hyung's running around trying to get someone to tell us what's going on inside, I need you to be my strength, not give me the third degree! Just get here as soon as possible!" 

There was a ringing silence as Jinyoung sat stunned. His sister had never raised her voice on him, always the one to spoil him behind his mother's back. Her pain and frustration was clearly taking a toll on her and Jinyoung was glad atleast his brother-in-law was there to take care of things while she tried to stay strong for her family. 

"I'll be there Noona. Hold on. He's going to be fine. We won't let anything happen to him." He said quietly, trying to reassure himself as much as her.

"I know Jinyoungie...but I'm so scared..." said Sooyoung, before she burst into sobs. 

Jinyoung clenched his fingers into tight fists as his sister cut the phone, too incapacitated to speak anymore. He placed the phone gingerly on the dashboard, afraid that he might end up crushing it with his bare hands in his anxiety ridden state. 

Now more than ever, he wished for the warmth of another smaller hand, the distance between them growing further the faster Yugyeom drove back towards the city. 

The next moment though, he felt another hand bigger than his own gently but firmly coax his fingers apart and lace their own in between them, enveloping both of his hands reassuringly. Jinyoung tightened his fingers around Yugyeom's and closed his eyes, holding on by a thread while his world went crumbling down around him. 

*

Meanwhile, the other five reached the cabin to find it empty and several bulging grocery bags abandoned on the kitchen floor, their contents spilling out. They hadn't even made it to the waterfall before deciding to return when Jinyoung and Yugyeom hadn't joined them after an hour and Jaebeom began to get inexplicably antsy. 

"What the hell happened? Did we get robbed?" said Bambam, his eyes wide. 

"Where's Jinyoung? And Yugyeom?" Mark said, rushing off to Yugyeom's room at the lower level. 

"Neither of us could get a signal in the forest Mark hyung. Something must have happened. Let me go check outside..." 

Jaebeom ran out of the front door and was back within a few seconds. 

"Okay my car's gone! Check my phone again Jae, it might have signal now, call them! They must have been trying to reach us. Damnit, we should have come back sooner! I knew something was wrong, I could feel it!"

"Hyung it's okay, I'm sure-" Youngjae began in a placating tone. 

"No it's not okay! You don't understand Jae! Jinyoung would never run out like that unless something really terrible happened. God, how could we just leave him alone here!"

"Calm down Hyung, Yugyeom is clearly with him. He's not alone."

"Yugyeom's a child! You still don't get it! Jinyoung must be terrified and I'm not there with him! I told you guys back in the forest that something was wrong! I could feel it in my guts but none of you listened to me! We should've never left him alone here! What's the point of me being here when I keep abandoning him again and again!"

"Hyung, I think you need to sit down while we pack." said Bambam suddenly, glancing at Youngjae's face and leading Jaebeom firmly to the couch. 

The atmosphere between them was tense and no one else seemed brave enough to want to interfere, lest Jaebeom lost it completely and blew up. They knew him too well. They didn't know how Youngjae would react either. At the moment he seemed to be just watching Jaebeom quietly. 

"We have to get going!" Jaebeom tried to struggle against Bambam's firm hand on his chest but he managed to push him back down on the couch again. 

"We will! But we have to get our luggage and lock up first. Stay calm. Thank God Mark Hyung brought his SUV. I'll pick up Gyeom's stuff. Jack, can you come back and stay with JayB Hyung after you're done? Mark, get Jinyoung Hyung's bag please and Youngjae Hyung, what are you waiting for? Go!"

Youngjae finally seemed to snap out of his trance and jumped into action as they all ran up to follow Bambam's instructions. 

Deep down Jaebeom knew he needed to reel in his emotions, snapping at Youngjae was not fair to him or anyone else. But it was getting harder for him to handle his panic the longer he was made to stay still. He had never left Jinyoung alone, be it school, birthdays, hospital visits, his sister's wedding, his favorite aunt's funeral, never. The one and only time he had mustered up the courage to leave him, it had ended up being the most painful year of their lives, even if they now understood that they'd needed the space. 

But Jinyoung needed _him_ now and it was all Jaebeom could do to not snatch the keys out of Mark's hand and drive off, leaving them all behind to pack their bags to their heart's content. 

Nevertheless, he ran to his and Youngjae's room and ransacked the whole place to throw everything haphazardly into both their bags, Youngjae desperately trying to keep up. He then grabbed both bags with one hand, held out the other hand wordlessly for Youngjae, who seemed to melt with relief as he took it, and strode out of the house, shoving the bags into Mark's trunk and helping Youngjae climb onto the backseat unnecessarily, feeling remorse for his earlier behaviour. All this before the others had even made their way back down the stairs. 

Within half an hour they had gathered all their stuff that had been scattered throughout the house, made sure to turn off all electricals and stoves, and then they were piling into Mark's car with Jaebeom in the front, Mark driving steady and Youngjae squished in between Jackson and Bambam. 

Youngjae seemed a bit uncomfortable at first and kept throwing furtive looks at Jackson but then he seemed to settle down. Jackson seemed pre-occupied enough, constantly glancing at Jaebeom who sat bouncing his knee impatiently, hitting the dashboard every now and then. 

"Jaebeommah, you're worrying the maknaes. Calm down!" said Mark, giving him a quick disapproving look. 

"Hyung, what if...what if it's appa?" 

Mark frowned as he concentrated on the road. 

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves..." he said uncertainly. 

"But what if it is...you remember last time? If I hadn't..." 

Mark glanced at him again before shaking his head slightly, signaling towards their younger friends in the back. Jaebeom went quiet. He knew he was scaring them all in his panic, considering they didn't even know what had happened. But the uncertainty was exactly what kept gnawing at him, a feeling of dread building in his stomach as his mind conjured up the worst possible scenarios. 

He looked out of the window and tried to calm himself down even as he wished the car would just jump right back to Seoul and get them to Jinyoung. This entire trip had been the exact opposite of the last time. The last time they were driving back to the city, Jinyoung had been beside him while the others rode in Mark's car. They had been happy, together, filled with plans for the future.

Jinyoung had been uncharacteristically clingy throughout the ride, tickling Jaebeom's ear and shoving the hairtie on his ring finger under his nose whenever he complained about the danger of distracted driving. 

"That's what you get for tying me down." he'd said smugly. 

"That was such a horrible pun. I've changed my mind, give it back." Jaebeom had snapped. 

"Sorry, no takebacks...God, you're so hot when you get mad..."

Jaebeom's heart skipped a beat. Jinyoung? His Jinyoung using a word like "hot" and that too for him? He didn't even know it was in his vocabulary. 

"Now I know why you like to fight with me so much." Jaebeom shot back, a bit off his game on being taken by surprise. 

"Oh, pray do tell." Jinyoung said in English, as he tickled Jaebeom's ear again. Oh he was definitely flirting now. Two could play this game. 

"Makeup sex."

Jinyoung blushed. There, now that was normal. It didn't necessarily please Jaebeom though. He wanted more of flirty Jinyoung.

"Is this what married life is going to be like?" Jinyoung sighed, rolling his eyes dramatically. 

"You bet. Everytime you annoy me, I'm gonna pin you down and rip all your..."

"Aish Hyung! You're literally the most shameless guy I've ever known!"

"And that's exactly why you love me!"

"Dream on..."

"That's it, I'm pissed now." said Jaebeom feigning anger as he hit the breaks and parked the car on the side of the road.

Before Jinyoung could protest any further, Jaebeom was already unbuckling their seatbelts and pulling Jinyoung on top of him, not caring if he bumped his head against the roof or accidentally kneed Jaebeom painfully in the stomach.

Awkward because of the confined space and giggly, interspersed with loud complaints from Jinyoung, they made love, going at it with remarkable enthusiasm despite the heat, until they heard Mark's car pass by with lewd cat calls, moaning and loud hollering being thrown at them generously from all four of their friends. 

Jaebeom had held Jinyoung's hand the entire time he drove them back home, bringing it up to his lips every now and then, his eyes shining and his heart bursting with happiness. Jinyoung wanted him. 

Jaebeom felt a sudden urge to laugh. It was always times like these, when he was most tense, that his brain jumped around to find and cling on to any happy memory it could conjure up. 

He looked up at the rear view mirror and saw Youngjae watching him. He gave him a small tentative smile, trying to put all his apologies into it without words. Youngjae seemed to get it as he flashed back a reassuring smile of his own. 

Jaebeom turned back to the window, still worried but much calmer, to everyone's apparent relief. The tense atmosphere in the car finally seemed to settle down as they prepared for the long ride home. 

Jaebeom's mind snapped back to the other car. What was Jinyoung going through at the moment? Yugyeom was more than capable of taking care of him despite what Jaebeom had said earlier, but Jaebeom couldn't help thinking of the last time when Jinyoung had been rushed out of their classroom without a word.

Jinyoung's father had needed months to recover from his heart attack, during which time Jinyoung had leaned on Jaebeom and opened up to him like never before. Even their friends had pointed it out to him. Something had changed between them then, something that had led Jaebeom to understand that Jinyoung had more feelings for him than he let out, feelings he kept hidden deep inside his heart for some reason, especially from Jaebeom. 

*

"Jinyoungie! What happened?"

Silence. 

"Are you listening? Tell me!" 

But apparently Jinyoung had lost all ability for speech or hearing as he continued to stare at the wall. Jaebeom grabbed his face with both hands and tried to get him to look at him. Their eyes did meet then, but Jinyoung's seemed strangely empty, his hands shoved deep in his pocket. 

Jaebeom ignored the students passing by them in the corridor giving them odd looks. At the moment his complete focus was on Jinyoung, who had been called out of class by their homeroom teacher and made to sit outside the principal's office. 

After fifteen anxiety ridden minutes or so, when Jinyoung still hadn't come back, Jaebeom had kicked his chair back in frustration and grabbed his own satchel, not caring about the whispers of his classmates that followed him or the scandalized look of their math teacher. 

There was an angry shout of "Stay where you are Mr. Wang if you know what's good for you!" from behind him, but that was all he heard before he was running across the school to get to Jinyoung. 

"Jinyoungie, talk to me."

Finally, his words seemed to get through to Jinyoung. He seemed to startle out of whatever thoughts he was lost in but when he spoke, it was so monotonous and emotionless that it scared Jaebeom even more. 

"It's nothing Hyung. Appa had a problem with his heart. Noona's come to pick me up."

"Oh God..."

"It's alright. His results have been concerning for months now. It's not like we didn't see it coming..."

"Jinyoungie...what are you saying? Are you alright?" 

That seemed to provoke Jinyoung into irritation. 

"Ofcourse I am!"

"Then why're you acting like this?"

"Acting like what? What do you want me to do? Freak out and run through the corridors like a crazy person? I'm seventeen! How's that going to help my appa?" 

Jaebeom was at a loss for words himself now. But only for a moment. He didn't know if it was instinct or if it was Jinyoung's strange behavior that made him do it, but he was suddenly grabbing him by the back of his neck and pulling him into a tight hug. 

"He's going to be okay Jinyoungie. He'll pull through."

Jinyoung didn't resist but he didn't say anything more either. So Jaebeom held on quietly, kissing the top of his head every now and then. After a few minutes, he felt a pair of trembling hands on his waist, pulling him closer. He didn't know how tense Jinyoung had been until he felt him relax against his embrace and turn his head to bury his nose in Jaebeom's neck, nuzzling into the warmth. 

Jaebeom expected to feel tears then, but there was none. He expected heaving, even dry sobs, there were none. But the trembling in Jinyoung's hands told him everything. He was too young to understand Jinyoung's seemingly contradictory behaviour, but he knew one thing, Jinyoung was silently telling him in his own way that he needed him, and so there was nothing in this world that was going to keep Jaebeom away from him. 

Jinyoung's sister filled Jaebeom in on everything as he drove them to the hospital, while Jinyoung sat quietly in the backseat. 

Apparently Jinyoung's father had been feeling off color for weeks now but he had still been going to work everyday. It finally took a toll on his body and he collapsed at work. It was when he started vomiting that someone had the sense to call the emergency medical services. So far, the paramedics suspected a heart attack, but they would only know for sure after some tests. Jaebeom prayed it wouldn't be one, but the evidence was pretty much there. 

"Jinyoungie, oh thank God!" 

Jinyoung's mother had thrown herself on his neck as soon as she saw them. Jinyoung patted her head, murmuring soothingly at her all the while. It was painful to see a usually strong and composed woman like her succumb to panic and fear as she clung on to her youngest child. 

Finally, she seemed to compose herself enough to sit down on a chair and Jaebeom quickly ran to get her a bottle of water from the vending machine, his own heart racing due to anxiety as if it was _his_ father lying there battling between life and death. He composed himself and willed his tears away as he went back to sit next to Jinyoung and his mother, making sure she drank atleast a bit to calm her nerves. 

They stayed like that for a long time, Jinyoung's mother clutching both their hands tightly as she sat between them, her head on Jinyoung's shoulder, her lips moving in silent prayer. Finally, after hours of tense waiting, a kind faced, middle aged doctor and a young, perky nurse walked up to them. 

"Mrs. Park? Please don't worry, your husband's stable for now. We have recieved some of his scans back from the lab, but we're still waiting on his blood work. The vomiting was actually a good thing, it helped keep his heart pumping and his condition from worsening. All of you can rest easy for a bit. If you have any questions, Nurse Jimin will gladly help you."

After talking to them for a few minutes more about the line of treatment, he walked away, patting Jinyoung's back in reassurance, leaving the nurse behind to talk to them further about the paperwork. 

She was a kind, cheerful type, despite the ward she worked in, and it turned out that the Park family knew her quite well, having grown up in the same neighbourhood. Jaebeom grew quite fond of her himself in the days to come. She was obviously older than them, but she had a cute, round face and a talkative personality and became fast friends with the maknaes especially. 

After a month of quick recovery, they received the good news that Jinyoung's father was good to go home, although he'd have to take it easy and cut his working hours as low as possible. Something they all knew he was incapable of. They were just happy to still have him with them. 

Jinyoung's ecstatic face alone made Jaebeom wish he had carried his camera that day. That was the most emotion Jinyoung had shown for a long time and Jaebeom had been there with him through it all, making sure he wasn't alone and vulnerable. That was all Jinyoung would accept from him anyway. His presence. 

Jaebeom knew he would be kicked out the minute he offered any monetary help. That didn't stop him from sneakily paying for medicine refills while Jinyoung slept and his mother went home for a few hours, or getting Mrs. Kim to bring them food everyday on the pretext that it was for himself, or forcing Jinyoung's mother and sisters to ride with Kang Hyung to and from the hospital. 

He knew he wasn't fooling anyone, but it was a mark of how much Jinyoung's family was suffering that they didn't resist much, beyond a few half-hearted protests everytime, more grateful looks than he felt he deserved or in Jinyoung's mother's case, giving him forehead kisses everyday he came with Jinyoung after school. 

Jinyoung's mother had absolutely refused to let Jinyoung take a day off after the first few days. Their friends visited as much as they could, but couldn't stay for long as Jaebeom refused to leave Jinyoung until his mother or one of his sisters could take over for the night. 

And strangely, Jinyoung seemed to prefer it that way, grabbing Jaebeom's hand and giving him a questioning look everytime he got up to stretch his legs, or use the bathroom or even just to get coffee for them from the vending machine outside. Each time, Jaebeom felt himself fall more helplessly in love as he quickly reassured Jinyoung that he would come back to him. 

Jinyoung's father seemed more distant than ever during that time, but he did hold Jaebeom's hand for a good half hour, patting it gently as Jinyoung's mother told him about Jaebeom's daily visits while Jaebeom hung his head in embarassment, wishing he could wrench his hand back and run. Jinyoung's father was a very self-respecting man, what had seemed right to Jaebeom in the moment now seemed like an act of disrespect towards him. 

For the entire month, Jinyoung seemed to have gone deeper into his shell than ever, the only sign of emotion being whenever Jaebeom held his hand on instinct and felt his trembling fingers squeeze back, or when Jinyoung thought Jaebeom was getting ready to leave, or when they heard bad news about another patient in their ward. 

He had to force Jinyoung to follow him to the hospital roof one day to get some fresh air, after they'd seen a family leave with a relative's body, their cries echoing through the corridors. Fortunately, or unfortunately, Jaebeom and Jinyoung had been the only ones to witness it, Jinyoung's mother having been forced to go sleep in a spare room while Jinyoung's sisters did overtime to compensate for both their parents being out of work. 

"Jinyoungie...are you okay?" 

"Ofcourse Hyung, why wouldn't I be?" Jinyoung had said, looking at him straight in the eye, his hands in his pocket. 

"Nothing...just asking." said Jaebeom, shoving his own hands into his jacket and tracing patterns on the tiled floor of the rooftop with his foot, avoiding Jinyoung's eyes. He knew better than to push Jinyoung. 

"Come here." said Jinyoung suddenly. 

Jaebeom looked up in surprise. 

"What?" 

"Just come here Beommie..." Jinyoung sighed. 

Jaebeom slowly walked up to him, his heart racing on seeing the tenderness in Jinyoung's eyes instead of the annoyance he'd expected. Once he was close enough, Jinyoung put his hand on his face. 

"Thank you Hyung...for everything."

Jaebeom's mind was reeling. Jinyoung? His Jinyoung? Thanking him instead of berating him for being a pest? Did Jinyoung fall on his head when he woke up that morning?

"Excuse me Jaebeomssi. I am completely capable of being nice to you without having had a concussion." 

Jaebeom hadn't really meant to say the last part aloud. 

"No. I mean..er.."

"Okay I know I've been...hard on you, but just, can you not make this a big deal? I'm already cringing internally, don't make it worse." said Jinyoung rolling his eyes and removing his hand. 

"Don't-don't remove your hand. It feels nice...warm." said Jaebeom grinning slowly as he ignored Jinyoung's exasperated sigh and placed his hand back on his face. 

Jinyoung gave him a tired smile and another eye roll as Jaebeom placed Jinyoung's other hand around his own neck and then pulled him in by the waist. Boundaries be damned. Jinyoung's recent behaviour had been encouraging enough. 

"Hyung, we're in a hospital, not a ball room." said Jinyoung smacking him on the shoulder and reaching out behind himself to push at Jaebeom's hands. But Jaebeom only pulled him in tighter. 

"Jinyoungie..."

"What?" Jinyoung snapped, glaring stubbornly at the wall beside them as he gave up and let his arms dangle by his side. 

"Jinyoungie..." Jaebeom pouted, giving him a slight jerk by the waist. 

"What Hyung?" 

"Jinyoungie, Jinyoungie, Jinyoungie, Jinyoungie..." 

"God, you're so annoying!" said Jinyoung, even as he finally took the hint and pulled Jaebeom into a hug, placing his hands around his neck. 

"Happy?" he huffed in Jaebeom's ear. 

Jaebeom could hear the fondness behind the annoyed tone and his grin got wider. He knew Jinyoung wouldn't last long against his whining. 

"Very. I knew you couldn't resist my charm."

"You know you've got this aegyo thing down pat, even though you try to give off that sexy vibe. Cute."

"I'm not cute okay! You're the only one who seems to think-wait a minute...did you just call me sexy?" 

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"Gross."

"Romantic."

"Aaaand this hugging session ends right about now."

"Nope. It ends when I say it ends."

"Hyung, let go." 

"No."

"Let go!" 

"No!" 

And before Jinyoung could protest any further, Jaebeom had turned him around and launched an unrelenting attack of tickling from behind. That was Jinyoung's one true weakness, they all knew he was extremely ticklish and Jaebeom was shameless enough to use it to his advantage. 

As Jinyoung fell down to his knees trying to push Jaebeom off, laughing hysterically, Jaebeom felt his own heart lifting. 

He knew the sight of the dead body being carted away had disturbed Jinyoung extremely. He had no idea how he knew when Jinyoung showed absolutely no outward sign of disturbance, but as he felt Jinyoung forget his troubles for those few stolen moments of normalcy, he knew he would do anything to make Jinyoung smile again as long as he was with him. 

"Jaebeommah! Stop! Please! I can't breathe! "

"Where's your respect asshole?!" said Jaebeom, leaning forward to shout in his ear, placing a knee across the back of Jinyoung's legs and pinning his arm behind his back with extreme effort, as Jinyoung scrambled to fight back with his other hand reaching behind him to grab Jaebeom's hair.

"Aaahhh, Hyung! Can you listen to me for once!"

"All I do is listen to you. So no. Not this time!"

"Thats not even true!" 

Another bout of tickling and Jinyoung was practically gasping for mercy. 

"Okay, okay, I lose, stop!" 

Finally Jaebeom let him relax, but he still kept Jinyoung pinned down as they both gasped for air. Jaebeom knew he was enjoying it a bit too much, but having the real Jinyoung back with him, even for a few moments, was completely worth it. 

"And what do you say when you lose?" 

"I'm sorry." 

"Nope."

"You win?" 

"Nope."

Jinyoung rolled his eyes as he turned his face sideways to try and glare at Jaebeom.

"Say it!" said Jaebeom, jerking his arm roughly. 

"Aish! It hurts!"

"No it doesn't, don't lie."

"Fine, but this is so unfair! You always play dirty!" 

"Not my fault you're so sensitive."

"Hyung!"

"Say it Jinyoungie! Or we can stay like this for hours if you want."

"Okay, okay! Let me up first!" 

"Nope."

"Alright! I'm saying it! But you're so dead once I get up!"

"Don't think you're in any position to be making threats at the moment, little Nyoungie, but that was cute." 

One last eye roll from Jinyoung and Jaebeom settled back on Jinyoung's butt comfortably, still holding his arm loosely as he sang, 

"Ijana nega halmari isso

Ijana nega nore jowahe

Imankum, imankum, 

imankum, imankum

Nega norul saranghe.." 

"Good boy Jinyoungie!" said Jaebeom, smacking him hard on his back and planting a kiss on his red face. 

"Nothing like good old aegyo to loosen you up a bit. And since you seem to think I'm cute _and_ sexy..."

"Are you guys done yet or do you need some more private time?" 

It was Jimin, looking tired even as she snickered down at them smugly. 

"Waiting...?"

It took them a few micro seconds to realize the position they were frozen in. Their eyes snapped back in unison to look at each other before they were jumping up quickly and putting as much space between them as seemed natural. 

"Yeah, I totally didn't see you two grappling like dogs in heat for a whole minute. Can we go down now?" she said, rolling her eyes exactly like Jinyoung. 

"Noona!" Jinyoung mumbled quietly straightening his clothes while Jaebeom rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. 

"Just come back down, I got to work early today so you both can go home, do your homework and please, get a shower, your uniforms stink."

They both followed after her protesting loudly at her meanness, red faced and avoiding each other's eyes. While Jinyoung gathered some stuff he needed to take back home for cleaning and told Jaebeom to go home without him, Jaebeom saw Jimin and Jinyoung's second sister Heeyoung giggling together outside the ward, with Jimin narrating something to her quite animatedly.

It didn't take a genius to guess what they were laughing about as Jaebeom felt his face redden in embarassment at their not so subtle glances. He quickly walked out then after throwing a hurried goodbye behind him, but Heeyoung caught up to him by the elevator line. 

"Thanks Jaebeommie." she said quietly as they waited, unexpectedly sincere. 

"For what?" 

"For everything."

"Are you sure you and Jinyoung aren't twins?"

"What? Wae?" 

"Never mind. Just stop thanking me or I won't go home next time. Then you're stuck with two annoying brothers instead of one for the entire night."

"Oh my God, you drive a hard bargain." she smiled fondly, ruffling his hair. 

But right as he stepped into the elevator, she spoke again. 

"He doesn't know how to say it, but he really does need you Jaebeommah. Trust me. Eonnie and I brought him up as much as eomma did, we can tell."

Before Jaebeom could respond, she was already waving at him fondly and turning around to walk back towards the cardiac ward.

After that day, he didn't have a chance to revisit their conversation again for a year, not until right before their final year school dance, when he asked Jinyoung's sister for help. Jinyoung had seemed more conflicted than usual throughout the year, as if he was fighting some internal battle alone and Jaebeom realized they needed to sort things out between them before they went off to college. 

Jaebeom had tried hard not to push him as much as possible but whenever he least expected it, Jinyoung would put his guard down and re-ignite the barely suppressed flames of hope in Jaebeom's heart. 

It kept happening more frequently then before. Their time at the hospital seemed to have changed something within Jinyoung. That's when Jaebeom decided to finally come clean about his feelings to Jinyoung and get an answer once and for all, before all the uncertainty drove him insane or worst, destroyed their friendship. 

"I don't blame you Jaebeommie, but isn't it obvious? I mean you of all people should have guessed by now." said Jimin sagely as she placed two bowls of Kimchi jiggae before him and Heeyoung on the tiny kitchen counter. 

Jinyoung, his older sister and his parents were all at work so Jaebeom had come over to hang out with Heeyoung. She was the closest to their age and Jaebeom's agony aunt. He had found Jimin already there, cooking before she left for her night shift at the hospital. She seemed to have gotten even closer to Heeyoung during their time there, something Jaebeom didn't hesitate on using as a weapon whenever they teased him about Jinyoung. 

"Guessed what? You know these things are complicated even for normal people, add Jinyoung into the mix and it might as well be rocket science."

"That's true. But I think you know deep down that he likes you too." said Heeyoung, digging into her food and letting out a groan of satisfaction, giving Jimin a thumbs up and causing her to blush adorably. 

"Deep down? I've believed that for years with my whole heart! I've just been waiting for the right moment, thanks to Jinyoung and his bad influence."

"You? Waiting?" said Jimin, raising an eyebrow. 

"Okay, I admit I did try to...you know.. the day appa got discharged from the hospital last year..."

"Oh God! I knew Jinyoungie looked pissed for some reason, what did you do?" said Heeyoung thickly, brandishing her chopsticks at him accusingly. 

"Absolutely nothing! We just went down to Jimin's office to call everyone and give them the news. Jinyoung was so happy he hugged me...and we were alone..."

"Don't tell me you tried to kiss him!" said Jimin testily, one hand on her hip. 

"No."

"What then?" 

"He tried to kiss me."

"No way!" 

"Yes way!" 

And it was, infact, true. Jinyoung had pulled him into a sudden hug after they'd hung up the phone on a screaming Jackson, with their other three friends apparently losing their heads in the background too, judging by their deafening whoops and shouts. They seemed to have all gathered at Jackson's house in anticipation of the news. 

Jaebeom had hugged Jinyoung back, because ofcourse he would. But then Jinyoung was pulling his head back to give him another tender look, same as on the rooftop, and Jaebeom was completely mesmerized by the sudden glint in Jinyoung's eyes. He had never looked more blissed out and beautiful, breathing heavily, his lips parted into a smile, cheeks flushed, with a hint of moisture at the corners of his eyes.

Then ofcourse, Jaebeom's traitor heart had stuttered, he could bet on his life that Jinyoung felt it too. And suddenly, Jinyoung's eyes were moving down, down to his lips. Every cell in Jaebeom's body seemed to be gravitating towards Jinyoung then, even as he held back, afraid to have misread the signs. 

Unlike his lips though, his hands seemed to have a mind of their own as they brushed across Jinyoung's waist to settle lightly on his hips, moving him closer. He felt a vague sense of surprise at Jinyoung's lack of resistance and his hands travelling up to rest on Jaebeom's shoulders, but he was too far gone to register it completely. So it seemed, was Jinyoung. 

It was when their faces were pushed even closer, barely an inch of space left and their lips brushed slightly that Jinyoung suddenly jumped as if electrocuted, and pushed him away, a horrified look on his face. Jaebeom couldn't blame him, he had felt the shot of electricity too and he was just about ready to book a bed in the cardiac ward for himself. 

They both stood there for a few moments, Jaebeom leaning back with one hand on the desk behind him, bracing himself for Jinyoung's next move, even as Jinyoung looked at him incredulously, as if it had been some sort of test, as if he was the one responsible to have stopped Jinyoung instead of pulling him in further. 

Jaebeom couldn't help feeling annoyed at that. If Park Jinyoung wanted to kiss him, then there was no way in hell that he was going to let his own better sense get in the middle of the proceedings. Jinyoung knew that very well. 

But ofcourse, Jinyoung's emotional quotient being lower than the average Jaebeom, Jaebeom was forced to leave the hospital there and then, because "Your mom and dad will be worried Hyung!" and "We need to get Appa home as fast as possible so he can rest!" And Jaebeom's favorite, "He needs quiet. You're too impulsive Hyung. Absolutely no self control." 

Ofcourse, the fact that Jaebeom was the only one with a car that could get them home faster was completely disregarded in favor of hiring a cab. A convenient phone call from Mrs. Kim (after Jinyoung having suspiciously disappeared for a few minutes) telling him that he was needed home immediately, not having been there for the past twenty four hours, settled the matter quickly. 

Even today, as Jaebeom sat in the front seat of Mark's car, bouncing his knees nervously and tried to get a signal on his phone again, every second away from Jinyoung caused him unspoken anxiety, as his mind jumped around to cling on to any and every happy memory from those days at the hospital, despite them being some of the scariest of their lives. 

But even through the anxiety and nervousness, one thing stood out more vividly than anything else, especially after the past few days, Jinyoung needed him. 

*

Hours later, Jinyoung and Yugyeom reached the hospital to find Jinyoung's brother-in-law Kim Sangook waiting for them along with his mother Mrs. Kim, and Kang Hyung. Sangook, who was almost a decade older than Jinyoung's oldest sister Sooyoung, had met his wife through Jaebeom inviting them to the resturant where he had proposed again to Jinyoung in their presence, and with a real ring this time.

Sangook and Sooyoung had both hit it off almost immediately and gotten married within a month. They were both at the age where they knew exactly what they wanted and were ready to take the plunge. 

Mrs. Kim, who had married and become widowed at a very young age, had been more than happy to have Sooyoung as her daughter-in-law and companion, while the newly weds absolutely refused to let the middle aged governess live alone by herself in her retirement. 

They had all become a single family unit by default as Mrs. Kim and Mrs. Park struck up a strong friendship, Mrs. Kim acting as both Sangook and Jaebeom's mother for all intents and purposes. Even a lonely man like Kang Hyung had found a family with them. 

Jinyoung almost melted in Kang Hyung's arms as the older man held them out to him wordlessly. Jinyoung had always found a kindred spirit in Kang Hyung, who was as elusive and introverted as him. A man of few words. The quiet warmth and affection he provided and the undying loyalty he showed for Jaebeom had all combined to create a special bond between him and Jinyoung. 

They all moved inside as Yugyeom excused himself to attend to his phone ringing suddenly. Jinyoung felt his heart shatter some more as he saw his mother sitting quietly in a chair being tended to by Heeyoung who looked just as defeated, both their faces swollen. 

"Eomma..."

"Jinyoungie..." 

His mother ran into his arms then, showing her first sign of life. He felt Heeyoung throw herself at him too and opened an arm to bring her in closer. 

"I'm sorry Jinyoungie, I didn't mean to scare you..." she sobbed, her shoulders heaving as she hid her face in his chest. 

"Just forget it Noona. Tell me how he is? I didn't want to call again and trouble you all." said Jinyoung, his voice trembling as he led them both back to the chairs in the waiting area. 

"They won't tell us anything!" Hee young wailed, wringing her hands desperately. 

"Okay, Noona, shh, please calm down. I'll go talk to them myself alright? Can you hold Eomma for me? I need to find Sooyoung Noona."

Jinyoung waited to make sure Heeyoung had calmed down enough to take care of their mother before he left to look for his oldest sister. He found her going through some papers with her husband in another waiting area. They both looked up at the sound of Jinyoung's footsteps in the hushed corridor and Sooyoung quickly pushed the papers at her husband to fling her arms around her little brother. 

"You okay?" Jinyoung asked. 

"I'm fine Nyoungie. Tell me about you. I'm so sorry I blew up on you like that, I can't even imagine what you must have..."

"Don't, Noona, please! I'm the last person we should be worrying about right now. Just tell me everything you know."

"It's not much...but from what the doctors said..." and she broke down again, sobbing into her own hands as Jinyoung pulled her into a tight hug. 

"I-it's g-going to take a-a miracle for him t-to survive..." she wailed. 

"Don't...Noona, don't say that! You're always so strong, how can you even think that?" 

"I don't know J-Jinyoungie, I-I'm just so scared t-this t-time. We t-told him to be c-careful but h-he just wouldn't listen..."

"I know Noona, I know..."

Jinyoung led her back to her seat after a concerned glance from Sangook and rocked her slightly as she cried her heart out, his strong sister finally reaching her limit. He was the one who needed to be strong for her now. He felt a pat on his shoulder and looked up to find Sangook gesturing quietly towards the papers in his hand, his own eyes red and swollen. 

"What is it?" 

"Waiver for his surgery." Sangook choked out, not meeting Jinyoung's eyes as tears rolled down his own, and Sooyoung's wails got louder. 

Jinyoung had never seen him cry before. He had always been their older, fun-loving Hyung, ganging up with Jaebeom to tease Jinyoung, getting along with all their friends and endearing himself to everyone with how much he cared for his own mother and his wife's family too. They had only known him closely for two years but he was already one of their strongest pillars of support, someone they could all lean on. 

Jinyoung let Sangook hold his sister as he picked up the papers with trembling hands. Suddenly he felt a familiar feeling of suffocation slowly begin to build inside him. He got up immediately and walked off, papers in hand, looking for an opening, a window, any place that could provide him with the air his body so desperately needed. 

As he leaned out over the first balcony railing he could find, gasping for air, he felt strong arms encircling his waist from behind and pulling him back towards a solid and familiar warmth. He leaned his head back on Yugyeom's shoulder as he whispered in his ear from behind.

"Breathe Hyung, breathe, follow my voice..."

Slowly, Jinyoung forced himself to focus on Yugyeom's voice, following his instructions blindly as his heart beat finally eased out and his breathing became regular. He stayed like that for a while, eyes closed, his glasses fogged up, feeling Yugyeom's warm breathe against his ear. He pulled his arms out of Yugyeom's embrace and placed them over his to make sure he didn't let go, the papers still clutched tight in his hands. 

After a while, Yugyeom whispered to him again, asking him if he was ready to go back. Jinyoung shook his head. No, he wasn't ready to go inside and sign off his father to what was possibly a death sentence. 

Yugyeom released him gently then and he felt a pen being pushed into his hand, soft whispers telling him that they didn't have much time. He needed to be ready now while they prepared for surgery. His sisters and his mother were in no condition to do it. It had to be him. 

Jinyoung took in a deep breathe and willed himself to let go, to not feel, to not think, as he mechanically signed everywhere Yugyeom pointed. Yugyeom took the papers and pen away from him, handed them over to Kang Hyung, who had been the one to lead Yugyeom to Jinyoung, and immediately pulled Jinyoung into an embrace again. 

Jinyoung wrapped his arms tightly around Yugyeom, burying his face into his chest and the tears finally came. He cried until no more tears would come. He didn't know how many minutes passed as they stood there. He was sure it had been atleast an hour, but time for him seemed to have stopped. All Jinyoung wanted to do was disappear into Yugyeom's warmth and never surface again, never think about needing Jaebeom again, to never feel the pain of having a loved one leave him again. 

*

Jaebeom ran off in the direction Kang Hyung pointed to him, right after they were done greeting Jinyoung's family. Mark had to move quickly to hold Jinyoung's mother, who collapsed after Jimin took away the permission papers for surgery from Kang Hyung, with Jinyoung's signature on them. 

While the others moved around to console Jinyoung's sisters and talk to Sangook and Mrs. Kim, Jaebeom quickly made his escape. He didn't hear anyone follow, not even Youngjae. 

After running across two different corridors and taking the shortcuts he remembered from last time, he finally found them, Jinyoung wrapped in Yugyeom's embrace, both their eyes closed as Yugyeom gently stroked and kissed Jinyoung's hair again and again, whispering to him in between. 

He saw the bloodless state of Jinyoung's fingers as they stayed clenched tight around Yugyeom, the only indication of the agony he was in. 

Jaebeom turned around immediately and walked away, his heart strangely at ease, despite the pain. It didn't matter that Jinyoung and Yugyeom didn't see each other as more than best friends. 

Jinyoung was going to be okay and he didn't need Jaebeom anymore. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Youngjae makes a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys. Once again, thank you for your patience and love. I wish I could read the comments, all the notifications are like little gifts waiting to be unwrapped and I'll try to get through them soon. Stay safe guys. 💚

* * *

Jinyoung's mother clutched the lapels of his coat desperately as she whispered,

"Jaebeommah...tell me he's going to be okay..." 

Her voice cracking, her hair messy and her swollen eyes searching frantically for an answer, she looked unrecognizable. Jaebeom had found her lying in a spare room curled up in a fetal position, Heeyoung sitting on a chair beside her looking no better. 

Unlike with Jinyoung, he hadn't hesitated before grabbing the hand she held out to him and letting her bury her face in his chest as she cried. 

"Eomma..."

"Please Beommie. The others, they're all lying to me, but I know you'll tell me the truth. Tell me he's going to be okay..."

Jaebeom took a deep breathe and held her face firmly in his hands as he spoke, 

"I can't tell you that..."

Jinyoung's mother whimpered in dispair. He held on tighter, forcing her to keep her eyes on him. 

"...but I do know one thing.. He trusts you to be okay, he _needs_ you to be okay. For him and for his children. He needs you to be strong. To have faith in him no matter what happens..."

"I can't Jaebeom...I can't..."

"You can and you will! He needs his wife, the mother of his children to be there, looking as strong and beautiful as ever when he opens his eyes!"

"But I'm scared...wh-what if..." 

But she was unable to complete the rest of her sentence as violent sobs wracked her body. Jaebeom held her head to his chest and tried to push back his own tears. 

"If he wants to leave...", he choked out. "...then he needs to be able to trust you to take care of yourself and the legacy he has left behind, his children, the love and respect he has earned, the lives he has touched, the community he has built...You have to find the strength to carry on. Your children need you, Jinyoung needs you...I-I need you. We can't do this without you. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

At first he thought he'd gone too far, as her sobs slowly turned into hiccups and then ceased completely. She pulled away to look up at him and Jaebeom looked back at her with unwavering eyes, willing her to understand, hoping against hope that he hadn't said the wrong thing and ended up making things worse. 

But then, he felt her soft hands sliding over his own, bringing them together to clasp them tightly in a gesture of prayer as she kissed them. 

"Thank you." she said shakily, her eyes brimming with unshed tears. 

*

"You've always been able to get through to her where others couldn't." Heeyoung smiled, as they both watched her mother fall into a fitful slumber, still holding Jaebeom's hand. 

Jaebeom watched her for another moment then held his other hand out wordlessly. Heeyoung's smile faltered a bit as she leaned forward to take it. 

"Thank you." she said squeezing his hand. 

"Noona..."

"I needed to hear it too Jaebeommah. I-I kind of lost it back there for a while...incase you didn't notice." she said, smiling ruefully. 

"He's your father Noona, you're allowed to lose it. That's why I'm here. All of us."

Heeyoung just continued to smile as she patted his hand, lost in thought. 

"You know," she spoke after a while, "eonnie and I, we used to fight over Jinyoung a lot, about who gets to be his favorite."

"I know" Jaebeom chuckled quietly. 

"But then you came along and we realized... _you_ were always going to be his favorite from now on, and it's always been kind of obvious why." she said earnestly. 

"That's not true."

"It is. He may have seemed too wilful for his own good, but he always looked up to you, you know." she smiled. "He was never one to talk much before he got into that school of yours. But when he met you...God! It was always Jaebeom this and Jaebeom that whenever he got home from school. The rants were endless!" 

"Come on, really?" 

"Really!" Heeyoung insisted with a watery laugh. "It started out as venting, he had never really met someone as equally stubborn as him before, though in a different way. But then, slowly, it turned into admiration and we just knew it, he'd finally got his first crush. Thank God!"

Jaebeom turned away with a smile, blushing slightly. 

"It didn't even matter anymore that you were a guy, even to appa, believe it or not." she continued relentlessly. "I'm not going to pretend we have always been open minded. But when we met you, we were more happy about the fact that he had found someone who loved him the way you did than whether you were a guy or a girl. Someone who could break down his walls like that and teach him how to live for himself, for once in his life."

"And then I let him down." Jaebeom sighed heavily. 

"It might seem like it now." she said earnestly, giving his hand a comforting squeeze. "But think about it Jaebeommah, if we get everything right the first time, we won't be living our lives would we? We'd be simply existing with nothing to fight for. How are you going to appreciate love if you don't feel pain? Do you think your guilt can change the fact that he had issues that needed professional help, that he still wouldn't have shut you all out from his problems? "

Jaebeom didn't respond. He didn't think anything she had to say would ever make him feel better about his broken relationship with Jinyoung. 

"He would have fallen for you sooner or later, without you even trying as hard as you did. You changed his life the moment you decided to make him yours, friend or fiancé. You introduced him to so many new emotions - friendship, love, happiness, excitement, a sense of belonging...no one should have to go through life without experiencing all that." 

"Even pain." she added when Jaebeom looked away, still unconvinced. "Trust me. That's how we grow as human beings."

She sighed heavily, leaning in to peer into his downcast eyes. 

"It's time you let go of the past Beommie. This last one year, you've both learnt from your mistakes and gotten the help you needed. And now you guys can truly be there for each other without the excess baggage. It's not going to be easy, but it's going to be better than the last time, I promise." 

Jaebeom let go of both the hands he was still holding and fiddled with the frayed edges of his jeans as he tried to find the courage to lift his head. It felt heavy, so heavy...same as his heart. 

"I know we haven't talked much lately and I'm happy that you've found Youngjae, don't get me wrong." Heeyoung added quickly. "...But I still hope you stick around. Don't ever think Jinyoung doesn't want you, that we don't want you. You have something we will always need more of in this world, something that is too precious to lose." 

And she reached out to place a palm gently against his heart.

Jaebeom's eyes blurred with tears, his heart fighting with his brain for a single moment of peace that would never come.

*

Jaebeom steeled himself as he walked back nervously to the entrance of the balcony where Jinyoung and Yugyeom were speaking in low whispers leaning against the railing, their hands still intertwined. 

"Hey..."

The word escaped from his mouth before he could convince himself to walk away again. 

They both turned around, Yugyeom with relief and Jinyoung with a strange look of surprise as his eyes raked all over Jaebeom's face, like he couldn't believe he was really there. 

"Hyung, you're here!" Yugyeom said, letting go of Jinyoung's hand immediately and walking over to Jaebeom. 

"We were already in Seoul when you told us where to come." Jaebeom replied, still holding Jinyoung's gaze steadily. 

"That's, that's good..." said Yugyeom before falling into awkward silence as his eyes shifted between him and Jinyoung, who continued to stare back at Jaebeom wordlessly. 

Jaebeom hadn't really expected Jinyoung to fall into his arms immediately, but his silence was slowly making him uncomfortable. Ofcourse Jinyoung didn't need him anymore, but Jaebeom could atleast offer him comfort as a friend, be there for him, couldn't he? Or had he lost that right too? 

He didn't really know what to make of the strange expression on Jinyoung's face as his insecurities from the past two years crept back up slowly, a demon taking the sound of his father's voice and threatening to wash away the comfort of Heeyoung's soothing words. 

" _He has never needed you, you fool, he's always made that clear! How long before he stops wanting you around too?_ " His father's words rang fresh in his ears still. 

Yugyeom seemed to sense the uncomfortable atmosphere around him, as he cleared his throat and mumbled something about going to get coffee, walking past Jaebeom quickly to make his escape. 

"Don't I get a hug too Gyeom?" 

Jaebeom didn't really know what made him say it, but watching Yugyeom walk away like that was more than he could bear. 

Yugyeom had seemingly become wary over the years, whenever he caught Jaebeom looking at him and Jinyoung fooling around together. Jaebeom hadn't really given much thought to how Yugyeom seemed to immediately put as much distance between him and Jinyoung as possible whenever Jaebeom was around. 

But now, he finally realized with a sense of remorse that Yugyeom must have seen something on his face each time, some mild resentment or jealousy that had made him keep his hands off Jinyoung in his presence, despite the rest of their friends being extremely handsy with each other all the time. 

He had never really told Yugyeom how much he meant to him, even when he'd always been fiercely protective of him and they'd both considered it enough. But now, hit with the uncertain reality of losing a loved one, Jaebeom felt like he needed to do more, say more, let Yugyeom know exactly how much he loved him for being - just Yugyeom.

So he opened his arms expectantly. Yugyeom hesitated only for a second longer before taking quick steps towards him and falling into his embrace, his arms wound tight around him. 

"Thank you." Jaebeom said quietly, closing his eyes. 

Even though Yugyeom was slightly taller, in that moment he seemed no older than the little toddler who would follow Jaebeom around everywhere devotedly without question, as he clung on with all his might, while Jaebeom patted his back soothingly. 

"You came."

Jaebeom's eyes snapped open as he pulled out of Yugyeom's embrace and looked back at Jinyoung over his shoulder. 

"You didn't expect me to?" Jaebeom asked quietly, turning around to face him directly now, as the hurt slowly began to build in his heart again, along with guilt. 

Jinyoung clearly needed to be thinking only of his father, without having to battle their undead feelings for each other, complicated further by their respective relationships with Youngjae. His mind quickly tried to come up with a convincing argument as to why he felt like he had a right to be there. 

Jinyoung was quiet for so long that Jaebeom began to feel the old frustrations begin to eat at him again. If Jinyoung wanted him to leave why couldn't he just say it? 

It was exactly what he had done a year ago, locked Jaebeom out of his mind and refused to tell him what was going on with him. Hadn't they been making progress in the last couple of days? Did he still think Jaebeom wouldn't understand and leave if he so wanted? 

"I just wanted to see if you were all doing okay..." Jaebeom began. 

He would take anything at this point, so long as Jinyoung told him exactly what he wanted. 

"...so I came along with the others. If-if you want me to leave, I can-" 

Jaebeom left his sentence unfinished as he saw Jinyoung move towards him suddenly, his steps hesitant at first, then firmer, his eyes blazing with an emotion Jaebeom could hardly comprehend. 

The next moment, Jinyoung's arms were around his waist and his head was buried into Jaebeom's shoulder as he stood still, too taken aback to do anything but let himself be engulfed, his own arms dangling uselessly by his side. Neither of them were drunk or in the throes of passion this time. This was different and Jaebeom was lost. 

He heard Yugyeom let out a seemingly involuntary sigh as he tried to melt into the background and Jaebeom finally recovered himself enough to place his own arms around Jinyoung's back. 

They stood like that for a while, no words, no tears, nothing. Just Jaebeom and Jinyoung clinging to each other and relishing the moment, the feeling of home. Jaebeom felt the demon inside him growl in discontentment and go back to its slumber. 

He buried his nose deeper into Jinyoung's hair tucked behind his ear and let out a sigh of contentment. His hair was slightly longer than Jaebeom's undercut, he'd clearly been growing it out. Jaebeom hadn't really noticed until now. 

It also smelled faintly of his favorite strawberry shampoo instead of Jinyoung's usual peach scented one that Jaebeom would sometimes steal to turn him on.

Jaebeom smiled fondly at the memories. They seemed to have swapped some of their personalities too in the year apart it seemed. 

"You're freezing." he said suddenly, pulling back to look at Jinyoung's thin sweater. He pulled his long coat off and placed it around Jinyoung despite his protests. 

"There's a heating vent on the roof Hyung..."

"And clearly, it isn't warm enough." said Jaebeom, giving Jinyoung a stern look. And for once, Jinyoung seemed to give it up as he smiled shyly and pulled Jaebeom in for another hug. 

"Don't want you to freeze either..." he said, his voice muffled against Jaebeom's shoulder. 

Jaebeom glanced at Yugyeom and rolled his eyes at the teasing grin on his face. 

Suddenly, they heard two sets of footsteps around the corner and Yugyeom cleared his throat. Reluctantly, Jinyoung let go off him just as Youngjae and Jackson appeared, both looking daggers at each other before stopping immediately on spotting the other three.

*

There was a beat of silence before Jackson spoke. 

"I was looking for you Jinyoungie. You should go back to your mom." He said firmly, in a tone that harbored no room for argument. 

Jinyoung was confused by the irritation in his tone. Sure they all knew he didn't get along with Youngjae, but he had never seemed so hostile before. 

So when Yugyeom tugged on his arm lightly, he followed him reluctantly, giving both Jackson and Youngjae a questioning glance as he passed by them, which Youngjae returned with a reassuring pat on his back and a warm smile. He didn't seem at all bothered by seeing Jaebeom's coat on him. Jinyoung felt like he should give it back, but he didn't know how to do it without inviting unnecessary attention and making them all awkward in turn. 

Jackson followed them back, a frown fixed permanently on his face, deep in thought.

"Seunnah...what happened? Did you and Youngjae get into another fight?" Jinyoung asked carefully. 

Jackson looked puzzled for a moment before he seemed to register Jinyoung's question. 

"No-I mean kind of, you know how we get. It's nothing. You don't need to worry about us okay." he said, winding an arm around Jinyoung's shoulders in a half hug as they walked back to the waiting area. 

"Thanks for getting here so fast. I completely forgot about you guys once we entered the city." said Jinyoung, crossing his arms and rubbing his hands on them against the chill creeping back in, despite Jackson's arm holding him tight. 

He'd forgotten to grab his overcoat from the cabin, and so had Yugyeom. Yugyeom seemed fine though, he still had his thick woollen jacket on from his grocery run. 

"I know Jinyoungie, don't sweat it. We had Jaebeom Hyung with us anyway. He's as good as any alarm signal."

"Hunh?" Jinyoung asked absently, his mind lingering on the warmth of Jaebeom's arms around him. He wanted nothing more than to turn around and run back into them as he pulled Jaebeom's coat tighter around him. 

"He got us here in time, Jaebeom Hyung. We would have sat there in the forest twiddling our thumbs for another hour if he didn't make us go back. He was so freaked out, it's spooky the way his radar works when it comes to us, remember when I was-you know..." 

Jackson fell silent, clearly hoping they'd fill in the blanks without him having to speak about the incident from years ago, when Jaebeom had saved his life from being ruined by his new friends just in time. 

He'd probably guessed that Jinyoung knew about it too by now. And to Jinyoung's relief, he didn't seem to mind much. He would ask Jackson the whole story someday. He should have done that ages ago. Jackson was his friend and he should know that Jinyoung would love him despite his past, just like Jaebeom did. 

Jinyoung felt his heart swell with an emotion that seemed above and beyond mere love. He had been surprised to see Jaebeom in the hospital, thinking that maybe Yugyeom had somehow managed to call him when Jinyoung had fallen into a fitful slumber during the car ride. 

It had taken every bit of restraint in Jinyoung's body to not throw himself at Jaebeom the moment he'd seen him, expecting Youngjae to come walking up behind him every second. 

He had forgotten everything his therapist had ever taught him about owning his emotions, too ashamed of the fact that he'd spent almost the entire car ride to Seoul trying to imagine that Yugyeom's hand was Jaebeom's. 

But it had felt all wrong - the feel of them was all wrong. Yugyeom's hands were not Jaebeom's. It soothed him to a certain extent, but his touch was not Jaebeom's touch. 

So when he saw the uncertainty in Jaebeom's eyes and the evident hurt at his silence, he decided to just throw caution to the winds and follow his heart for once without worrying about the consequences. 

The effect had been immediate - the aching emptyness in his heart, the fear that Yugyeom had managed to keep at bay temporarily, it had all washed over him then, threatening to drown him in his pain completely. 

But this time he'd welcomed it, because Jaebeom was here. He was drowning and Jaebeom was here, again, like a breathe of fresh air. Pulling him up, holding him together, giving him the strength to fight as he always did. 

He wanted to feel the pain completely, and then let Jaebeom take it all away, like he always did, back when he would do anything to see Jinyoung smile again. 

He'd been stupid to believe that the bond between them could ever die down. How could he have forgotten that Jaebeom didn't need to be called to come running to him whenever he needed him? Their connection could never be broken or replaced no matter how far they were from each other. 

He could have done that long ago he realized, mustered up the courage to want Jaebeom to come back to him. It was too late, but he knew it to be true and that knowledge was enough for now, something to hold on to while he prepared himself to pass on that faith to the people who needed him the most, his family. 

Just then, he felt a vibration in his pocket. He pulled the phone out and it took him a moment to realize why it looked unfamiliar. 

"That's Youngjae's phone right? Let me take it back to him." said Jackson, holding out his hand. 

Jinyoung held onto the phone just a moment longer before letting Jackson take it. It was the unknown caller, just as he'd feared. 

"Seunnah..."

"What?"

"Go easy on him, okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean...we don't know what people are going through at any point of time. So just...be nice to him...for me?" 

"Trust me Jinyoung, I'm being really nice to him at the moment. Too nice..." Jackson said ominously. 

"Seunnah, please..."

"What exactly do you think he's going through that I have to play nice?" Jackson snapped, irritated again. 

Jinyoung didn't really want to spread his own assumptions, especially when it was none of his business, but he did end up telling Jackson about the unknown caller and the angry breathing. Jackson was silent for a moment after that, deep in thought, and Jinyoung didn't deem it right to poke him any further. 

After a minute or so, Jackson seemed to come back to the present and gave him one last reassuring squeeze before turning around without another word to go back the way they'd come, leaving Yugyeom and Jinyoung to walk back alone. 

Jinyoung gave Yugyeom a tight smile before bracing himself and rejoining his family, while Mark and Bambam surrounded him from both sides into a comforting hug. He could do this. His friends were all here, his family was here. 

And Jaebeom was here. 

*

Youngjae quickly walked up to Jaebeom and reached out for his hand. 

"You okay Hyung?" 

"Yeah...I'm fine. What about you? Did-did Jackson and you argue about something?" 

"It's nothing Hyung, no big deal."

"Jae, I know Jackson isn't really...polite to you. But if there's something he's said, just tell me okay. He's kind of a mother hen when it comes to me."

"So I've noticed" Youngjae chuckled. "But it's really nothing, we were just arguing about where you could be. That's all."

"Oh...okay."

Jaebeom didn't seem like he bought the excuse but he didn't question Youngjae any further, just like always.

It caused another pang of guilt to go through Youngjae's heart. 

Jackson had been furious at him for wanting to look for Jaebeom, accusing him of deliberately wanting to interfere when Jinyoung clearly needed his friends and all the comfort he could get right now. 

Jackson seemed to be getting more blunt after their last conversation, obviously trying to provoke Youngjae into snapping back or revealing whatever Jackson thought he was hiding. He didn't even pretend like it wasn't what he was doing. Youngjae was torn between admiration and exasperation at the man's straightforward savagery. 

Yet he couldn't help the feeling that it was all a facade, that Jackson was trying to distract him from what he was really doing. He was an exceptionally intelligent man, and Youngjae was sure he was more than a match for him, but it still made him uncomfortable, not knowing what Jackson was planning. 

Youngjae needed to talk to Jaebeom too and he needed his phone back. He had a feeling that he didn't have much time before things got out of hand, especially with Jackson added in the mess. He needed to straighten some strings out before they got too entangled. Starting with his own confused feelings. 

He carded his fingers through Jaebeom's hair gently, trying to soothe himself as much as Jaebeom. 

"You sure, you're okay Hyung?"

"I don't know...I think so." said Jaebeom, placing his arms around Youngjae's waist with his chin on his shoulder as they walked back slowly. 

"Did you talk to Jinyoung Hyung?" 

Jaebeom seemed to tense suddenly. 

"Not really..."

"Okay...Hyung?" 

"Hmm?" 

"I think he needs his friends right now. Everyone he's comfortable with. It's not looking too good for his dad."

"Yeah, I know..." 

Youngjae couldn't see Jaebeom's face but the sadness in his voice was heartbreaking, as if it was his own father they were talking about. 

"I mean everyone."

He could almost feel Jaebeom's mind sifting through his words to get their meaning before he pulled away to look at Youngjae in the eye. 

"What are you saying?"

"Hyung-" 

But just then they were interrupted by Jackson again, turning around a corner with a determined look in his face. 

"Visiting hours are almost over. We should get back." said Jackson, looking at Youngjae. 

"Yeah, okay. We'll be there in a minute" said Jaebeom, giving Youngjae a glance before his eyes caught the phone clutched tightly in Jackson's hand. 

"Jinyoung still had it. You got a call." Jackson explained, his eyes trained on Youngjae with a strange intensity. 

"Thanks Jackson. That was really kind of you."

The tension was palpable, as it always was whenever Jackson and Youngjae deigned it unavoidable to converse with each other. Youngjae turned to Jaebeom. 

"Hyung. I have to take this. Why don't you go ahead? I'll catch up to you."

"Okay, don't take too long." said Jaebeom giving him a questioning look. 

Youngjae blinked his eyes at him once with a small, reassuring smile and gave him a peck on the lips. 

"Get your key from Gyeom and bring the car around, I'll be right there." 

Jaebeom nudged Youngjae's hand lightly in response and then walked back to the waiting area with Jackson. 

*

As they moved together in silence, Jaebeom felt like he needed to talk to Jackson about his seemingly increased hostility towards Youngjae. But now was not the time. He could see a muscle ticking in Jackson's neck and he looked too wound up to talk. 

Just like Jaebeom, Jackson rarely got angry. But when he did, it was best to just stay out of his way. The only one who could bear to be around him then was Jaebeom, but right now, he was tired. All he wanted to do was sit down somewhere and close his tired eyes. 

Unlike last time, Jaebeom couldn't sweet talk his way into staying with Jinyoung and his family. Only two visitors were allowed to stay back outside of visiting hours, as Jimin reminded him gently but firmly, and he resigned himself to giving Jinyoung a long reassuring look and a quick hug before walking out. 

He did notice the way Jinyoung seemed reluctant to let him go as he handed his coat back to him and it was all Jaebeom could do to not create a scene and demand to remain by his side for as long as possible.

But Jinyoung had to go home too. He'd had a long, tumultuous day and it had started to make its presence felt in the form of a headache. Sangook insisted that he would stay with their mother for the night as she refused to leave no matter how many times they insisted. 

She kissed Jaebeom's forehead, just like she used to, when he went to say goodbye and thanked him again with a small smile. Jaebeom looked around awkwardly and saw the rest of Jinyoung's family beaming at them through tears. Heeyoung had probably told them about Jaebeom's talk with their mother and he felt himself redden. All these years and he still wasn't used to receiving all the love and gratitude from the Park family that he never felt he deserved. 

He made his way out quickly after that, telling Sangook he would text him every hour. The preparation for surgery would take a while and it would begin early in the morning. So Sooyoung drove Jinyoung and Heeyoung home in Sangook's car. 

Jaebeom waved at his friends as Mark's car passed by him, and then settled down in his seat to wait for Youngjae, breathing in the strong scent of Jinyoung still lingering around his collar.

*

"Jae?" 

"Hmm?" Youngjae responded absently, tracing a pattern on the car window as they drove back home. 

"what did you want to tell me back there?" 

"Hunh?" 

"At the hospital? You were going to say something before Jackson showed up."

"Oh yeah, uh..."

Youngjae sighed heavily before turning around to look at Jaebeom. 

"I have some business to take care of. Something unavoidable. I'd planned to tell you after the weekend but since our trip got cut short, I think I better take care of it as soon as possible."

"You're leaving?" 

"Yes." Youngjae said nervously. 

For the past one year, he hadn't left Jaebeom's side for more than the weekdays they spent working in the office. They had been constant companions doing everything together, be it dinner with friends, taking coco for a walk, bowling or just hanging around their apartment watching TV with their two pets. It was going to be hard leaving all that, but Youngjae had made his decision, no matter how much it killed him. 

"How long?" 

"I don't really know but I'll call you everyday. Could be a week, could be a month..."

Could be forever, he didn't say. It sounded dramatic enough in his head.

"Youngjae you don't have to go. I'll talk to Aboji, he can..."

"No Hyung. It's not work, it's...personal business. I'm going back to Mokpo to be with my family."

"Why do you sound like you're quitting your job?" 

"Because I am."

There was silence as Jaebeom tried to digest his words. 

"Is everything okay? Jae do you...need me to go with you?" He asked hesitantly. 

"No, I'll be fine Hyung. And so will you." said Youngjae, his heart aching at Jaebeom readily giving up what he really wanted to do for him, which was obviously to be with Jinyoung. 

He knew Jaebeom enough now to know he would always try to do the right thing by the people he cared about, no matter how much he hurt himself. And it seemed to have rubbed off on Youngjae too. He could do this. Grit his teeth through the pain and just do what needed to be done. 

"What does that even m-Youngjae...are _we_ okay?" 

"Hyung...that's actually what I wanted to talk about." Youngjae said, his voice cracking with barely suppressed pain. Why was this so hard? 

He cleared his throat, so it wouldn't falter when he said what he needed to say. 

"I'm listening." Jaebeom prompted, giving him a quick look of concern. 

"I think we should break up."

There was a long moment of silence in the car before Jaebeom spoke again. 

"Why?" 

"You know why..."

"No, I don't! Really, this is completely out of-"

"I think I'm falling for you Hyung. Hard."

There was another moment of silence as Youngjae watched Jaebeom's jaw clench as it always did when he was tense. 

"When-when did you realize?" 

"Now? Last week? I don't know..."

Jaebeom didn't say anything. Youngjae knew he had to speak before he lost his courage again. 

"Hyung, it's okay. I know I said I wasn't ready for something...serious. And God knows you're not ready either! But...I needed you to know before I left."

"I don't understand..."

"What? That I'm capable of having feelings for someone or that it's you?" Youngjae asked a little sternly. 

"I just don't understand why you have to leave!" Jaebeom snapped back, his eyes trained on the road. 

"Because it will fuck things up even more than they're already fucked up! And...because there are things that I have to take care of. Things I need to make right." 

"Jaeyah...I have never questioned anything you've ever told or not told me." said Jaebeom, more gently. "But I do think you need to come clean with me right now. We both know the consequences of not talking, of hiding things."

"I know Hyung, I know! I just, I need time. Please! Can you trust me one more time, just this once? And then I promise I'll come back and we can talk...if you still want to."

"Why would I not want to?" 

"Hyung please..." said Youngjae looking away. "Stop asking me questions. I'll tell you everything when I'm ready."

"Goddamnit Jae!" Jaebeom shouted, hitting the wheel in frustration, causing the car to swerve dangerously. "If you're in trouble, just fucking tell me alright! I'll help you! You know there's no room for judgement between us! This is exactly what happened between me and Jinyoung! Don't just shut me out!" 

"Hyung, I swear this is not the same thing!" Youngjae pleaded. "And you can't-this is something I have to do by myself! You have to understand, please..."

Jaebeom drove through another minute of tense silence before saying, "Fuck it!" and switching lanes abruptly to drive the car off to a service road and screeching to a stop.

It was late at night and barring the occasional car driving above them on the main road, they were surrounded by complete silence. Youngjae could hear his heart thumping loudly against his ribcage. He was sure Jaebeom could hear it too. 

"Look me in the eye and tell me you're going to be okay." said Jaebeom fiercely, unbuckling his seat belt and turning around to look at Youngjae. 

The guilt, the guilt. It was all Youngjae could do to not look away as he took a deep breathe and placed his palm on Jaebeom's face, trying to calm him down. 

"I'm going to be okay Hyung. I promise."

"I don't believe that."

"Why not?!" Youngjae asked, frustrated. 

"You can't tell me you're falling for me right before you break up with me, quit your job and just take off by yourself! How do you expect me to not be worried? To let you go, all alone, just like that!" 

Youngjae was quiet as he looked back at Jaebeom's furious face. 

"You're going to be the death of me Hyung." he whispered, before planting his mouth on Jaebeom's and grabbing onto his neck to pull him in.

Jaebeom came easily, giving in to the kiss for a moment. But as Youngjae's hand slipped down to Jaebeom's belt, he pulled back to give him a questioning look, "Jae...?"

"Please Hyung." Youngjae whispered. "I really need you right now." 

"I know Jae, I want you too but...are you sure?" 

"Yes, I'm sure. Please Hyung, one last time...just this once...before I leave."

Jaebeom hesitated for a long moment, biting his lower lip as his eyes searched Youngjae's unsuccessfully for the answers he refused to give. 

Youngjae felt his tears finally escape to roll down his face and neck. He watched Jaebeom's eyes follow them down before looking back up into his, seeming to melt as he bent down again to kiss them away.

Youngjae pushed against Jaebeom urgently to slide off his thick coat and pull his t-shirt off over his head before leaning back in to kiss him again, letting his hands roam all over his body as Jaebeom pulled him to the back seat.

He touched and traced every inch of the soft, pale skin as far as he could reach, raking his nails on it, leaving marks involuntarily when Jaebeom pushed in, then soothing them with soft kisses, trying to memorize the feel of the only man he had ever fallen in love with.

One last time. 


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get messier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: READ THE TAGS AGAIN. 
> 
> Ah, I know this must be sooner than you guys expected but I had already finished writing this chapter by the time I posted the last one. Hope it's not too much content within a week. I had a few days off work, FINALLY, and got some time to write. So I'm going to try and put it all out quicker. Hope I'm nearing the end but my fingers aren't crossed because I'm enjoying this a bit too much. Hehe. 
> 
> Youngjae's POV plus the last chapter are literally lying written AND edited in my drafts but the transition will take longer than I expected because I keep extending my outline to include stuff whenever I get an inspiration. Haha  
> Thank you so much for your patience, comments and kudos on the last one.
> 
> I tried answering a few of the comments but then I moved on to editing this chapter so I could put this out quicker. Hope it's not too messy!
> 
> I'll try and go through the rest of the comments on the last chapter but I don't think I can do it anytime soon for the next couple of updates atleast, if I want to put out chapters faster that is. So please don't think I'm not going to read your comments, they're really valuable to me!
> 
> PS: Please assume Youngjae would let go of honorifics at the height of his emotions.
> 
> PPS: The final chapter of Providence was uploaded today and I don't know what to do with my life anymore. It's the end of an era. I'm emotional.

* * *

"We should move...or the only place you'll be going to is jail." said Jaebeom.

Youngjae let out a watery chuckle, as he sat up to pull his clothes on and then climbed back on to the front seat. 

"You can atleast tell me _something_ right? So my mind can be at ease, incase you forget to call." said Jaebeom, looking at the rear view mirror as he maneuvered the car back onto the main road. 

"There's some property dispute with some of my cousins and they need all beneficiaries present." Youngjae said slowly. 

"Aren't you the youngest in your family though?" 

"Yeah but, my grandparents are old, my sister is pregnant, my oldest brother works abroad...and you know about my second brother right? He can hardly be relied upon for matters like these."

Youngjae had given Jaebeom vague details about his second brother who was crippled for life and tended to have psychotic episodes occasionally. 

On Youngjae's request, Jaebeom had picked up his phone while he was in the shower one day, only to be yelled at by a strange man who seemed to barely make any sense as he threw insults and accusations at him, clearly mistaking him for Youngjae. 

When Jaebeom had tried to speak, the man had stopped his tirade immediately and cut the call. Youngjae had looked confused at Jaebeom's shocked expression before the realization dawned on him. That was when he sat down and told Jaebeom about his brother's failed suicide attempt after a relationship gone sour. 

Youngjae had seemed quite emotional, remeniscing about the past. He had stayed quiet for a long time after that, with his head in Jaebeom's lap while he tried to comfort him wordlessly, without forcing him to share more than he was willing to. 

Apparently, his brother had suffered severe brain and leg trauma after waking up from a prolonged coma, that had resulted in a permanent dependence on customized crutches and medication for a personality disorder. He had to go through regular physical and mental therapy to help him stay functioning and sentient in between episodes. 

"So when are you leaving?" Jaebeom asked him as they turned down the lane to their apartment complex. 

"Day after tomorrow I guess. I have to pack..."

Jaebeom didn't say anything for a while, his face blank. 

"This is the part where you say sike."

"Hyung..."

"No seriously. I want this to be a joke so bad I'm even ready to overlook the tastelessness."

"I'm not kidding."

"Youngjae, listen, I know I've been...a handful lately, but it's nothing you haven't seen before, you've literally seen me worse than this! So why don't you just tell me what's really going on here? Have I become too much? Because _that_ I can understand and I won't force you to stay. Or is this about me and Jinyoung? You've been acting weird ever since you first talked about starting that group chat with Mark."

"No, ofcourse it's not that!"

"Now say it again without sounding so defensive."

"It's not about you and it's not about Jinyoung Hyung either! This is all me, I swear!" 

"Right."

Youngjae looked away in frustration. He'd known it would be hard, but it was getting harder the more Jaebeom fought against it. 

"Jae...I know you're not petty, but you're still a human being capable of emotions...are you worried about me and Jinyoung? Because I don't see what's changed. You and I, we're so good together...Do you want me to stay away from him?" Jaebeom asked with a quiver in his voice. 

"Would you? No, let me rephrase that, _could_ you stay away from Jinyoung if I asked you to?" 

Jaebeom just bit his lip in response. 

"You can't Hyung. You couldn't before and you can't now either. I know that! and I'm not cruel enough to force you two to be friends only to push you apart again. So when I say this is not about you and Jinyoung, then believe me, it's not."

"Fine. But there is something that you're not telling me."

"Hyung..."

"Tell me Jae. Please. Even if it's hard, I'll try and understand. I've been so caught up in my own feelings, I know it must have been so hard for you. Are you regretting it? Being friends with Jinyoung?"

"No! I mean...not all the time. Maybe back when he made you cry at the cabin. It killed me to watch you like that again, Hyung. It scared me, for the first time since I've known you. For a moment I really resented him, and I hated myself! I didn't know if I could bring you back and I was just as much to blame this time. But then, you and Jinyoung sorted things out and I could see that you were both in a much better place, that maybe this friendship thing could work out after all."

"So we're back to square one."

"Hyung I told you, it's been...I've been thinking about it for a while. I have some things to take care of and it's been going on for a while. But I just couldn't leave you like that, without knowing that you'd be okay." 

"Is this why you wanted this trip so bad? Is this what you've been planning for months, bringing us all together again so you could leave me with a clear conscience?" 

Youngjae stayed quiet. There was nothing he could say to counter it anyway. 

"Is this why you've been pushing Jinyoung and I together so hard?" Jaebeom prodded further, trying to provoke a response out of him. "So I can be friends with him without breaking down, and you can be on your merry way? Like my feelings for you mean nothing?" 

"Hyung, you're making it all sound so bad! Things are not as simple as you and Jackson seem to think! I have a life outside of you too! And just like yours, it's complicated as hell! I mean look at us, you're with me, and I can feel that you like me, but you and Jinyoung Hyung are still in love! What does that tell you?"

"Just because we love each other, it does not change the fact that we were both unhappy. It does not mean I'm going to dump you just to get back with my ex-fiancé. If you and I break up, it's going to be because of us, not Jinyoung! Do you think I'm a robot, that I can just pass on my affection from one person to another and forget my past? I need time and I'm working on it, so hard! You knew everything when we started this, so what's changed now? Don't you trust me anymore? Now that Jinyoung and I are friends again, you think we're just going to jump into bed the moment your back's turned, is that what you think of us?" 

"Wha-no! Hyung, ofcourse not! And that is exactly why I have to leave, don't you see?!" 

"Seriously?" 

"My being here is just complicating things. I just think we need to take a step back and think things through with a clear head between us."

"Where the hell is all this coming from?" said Jaebeom laughing in disbelief. "What is this, therapy or something? Was this whole trip and group chat thing just that, one big psychological experiment on me and Jinyoung?" 

"Do you really believe that, or is that another one of Jackson's brilliant ideas?" 

"Well if it isn't what I think, and you're not ready to talk, then that's the only option left."

"You're seriously going to believe that bullshit?" Youngjae asked quietly. 

"I didn't want to! But you're leaving me no choice when you don't tell me what the problem is!" 

"Well you clearly believe it now, if you didn't before!" 

"I'm still here, asking you, aren't I? Waiting for you to spit it out!" 

"And I'm supposed to just take your word for it when you already seem to have made up your mind!" 

Both their voices were raised now and Jaebeom seemed to have realized as he took a long, calming breath. 

"Don't try to deflect and turn this around on me. This conversation is going nowhere. I let you get away with a lot of things Youngjae, but it does not mean I don't notice."

They both glared at the windshield for a few moments before Youngjae turned back to Jaebeom with a sigh. 

"I'm sorry..." he said quietly. "That was unfair to you. And I know...how much you've defended me against Jackson."

"Good, because I'm done talking about me and Jackson and Jinyoung. We're gonna start talking about you now. You're not going to be my keeper anymore Youngjae. Friendship goes both ways." 

"Hyung, I told you-"

"God, not that again! You know what? Go to Mokpo and do what you have to do, but I'm coming with you!" 

"Hyung, I told you I don't want that!" 

"That was before you made love to me! I could feel it Youngjae! You're hurting yourself. Why would you even tell me about your feelings if you were just going to leave anyway?!" 

"Because I didn't want you to blame yourself!" Youngjae cried, his eyes welling up. "You've been good to me Hyung, so good that I couldn't help falling for you despite knowing you're in love with someone else! But this is all on me okay, it's not you! I need you to believe that!" 

Jaebeom clenched his jaw and seemed to be forcing himself to remain unmoved. 

"Tell me what's in Mokpo and why do you have to break up with me to take care of it?"

"God Hyung! I keep telling you that we'll talk when I get back!" 

"AND I'M TELLING YOU THAT WE'RE NOT BREAKING UP UNTIL YOU FUCKING TELL ME EVERYTHING! IF YOU'RE GOING TO WALK OUT ON ME WHEN I CAN CLEARLY SEE YOU DON'T WANT TO, THEN I'M NOT GOING TO JUST STANDBY AND LET YOU GO JUST LIKE THAT! OUR RELATIONSHIP IS NOT A JOKE YOUNGJAE! MY FEELINGS ARE NOT A JOKE! OR IS THAT WHAT I HAVE BEEN TO YOU FROM THE BEGINNING? A FUCKING JOKE?!"

Jaebeom was shouting now, his fists clenched around the steering wheel and his eyes wet with angry tears. 

There was a ringing silence in the car as Youngjae looked at Jaebeom, the hurt and the anger so evident in his eyes. His eyes had always fascinated him, so expressive and honest. Just like Jaebeom himself.

"You're not a joke Hyung." he said quietly. 

"Are you sure? Because I sure do feel like one." 

Youngjae reached out to take his hand then, but Jaebeom pushed it away, getting out of the car and slamming the door behind him so hard that the window panes rattled dangerously as he took long, angry strides towards the elevators. 

"I'm the joke here, Hyung. Not you." Youngjae whimpered as he crossed his arms on the dashboard, put his head down and burst into tears. 

*

Yugyeom knocked on Jimin's office at around three in the morning, having had only a couple of hours of sleep before he'd received her urgent call. 

He heard a faint "come in!" over the noise of a child bawling at the top of her lungs before he opened the door to find an extremely tired looking Jimin pacing around with a two year old toddler struggling in her arms.

"Oh thank God Gyeom, I didn't know who to call! My work friends are all exhausted from their double shifts, what with the layoffs and everything. I know you must be too..."

"Stop lying, you know no one can handle her better than me. How's little Somi?"

"She's great. Just great!" said Jimin, handing her over to Yugyeom and slumping down on her desk. "It's her sitter that I'm going to kill tomorrow."

Somi struggled and gurgled for a bit before she looked up and recognized him, ceasing her tantrum immediately. Yugyeom cooed at her as she let out a watery giggle,

"Goomie..." 

Then she buried her face in his neck and cuddled down to sleep almost instantly.

"How the fuck do you do it!" Jimin exclaimed, clutching her head.

"Noona! Not infront of the baby!" Yugyeom hissed at her.

"Call me Noona one more time, I dare you..."

"You're so brash Jimin. Remind me why they made you head nurse again?"

"You're four years younger than me, show some respect."

"I'm not a child anymore, I'm 23, when are you going to stop playing that card?!" 

"Shh, the baby's sleeping." said Jimin, burying her head in her arms again. Yugyeom glared at her head for a moment before getting distracted by Somi mumbling in her sleep. 

When she had settled for a bit, he gently lay her down on the tiny sofa crammed in the office next to the desk and turned around to see Jimin watching him intently. 

"How're you holding up Gyeomie?"

"I'm okay...just worried about Appa and Jinyoung Hyung."

"So you made up?" 

"Obviously."

"And are you two...?" 

"Nope."

"Hmm...I know you don't like to hear it, but you're both better off being just friends. You don't have to be in love with him to care for him you know."

"Jiminah..."

"Hmm?"

"I don't think I'm in love with him anymore."

Jimin gave him a strange, knowing look. 

"Congratulations, I guess...?"

"I mean I love him of course, I'd do anything for him! But it's been a while since I've actually been _in_ love with him, know what I mean?...I guess it started the night Jaebeom Hyung proposed to him in that resturant. It gave me a sort of, closure? And back at the cabin, when we made up...I still care about him a lot but, it's not the same anymore."

"I get what you mean Gyeom. And you don't have to feel guilty about it."

"Really? Isn't love a sort of commitment thing though? Even if it's not...returned." he sighed. 

"There are all kinds of love Gyeom. And it keeps changing with time and circumstances. All that fairytale nonsense is bullshit. You all need to stop having such a narrow vision about it. Welcome to the real world, hello!" she said rapping on the table and then shushing herself when Somi squirmed in her sleep. 

"You've always been a skeptic." Yugyeom whispered after a while, Somi back on his shoulder. 

"I'm not, seriously!" said Jimin in a scandalized whisper. "Just ask my baby daddy! If you can find him that is..."

"See that's what I'm talking about. You never take these things seriously." Yugyeom hissed, falling into the chair infront of her desk dejectedly, making sure he didn't jolt too much and wake up Somi. 

"Gyeom...if you don't want me to knock you down and sit on your head..."

"Wow, I just knew you talk to Bambam more than you talk to me. You only call me when you need a babysitter..."

"Shut up and listen to me." 

"Fine! Go ahead."

"...'kay, I know I joke about these things a lot, but that's just a part of who I am. That does not mean it didn't hurt when that bastard just took off without so much as a note. I cried the whole night with my baby in my arms, alone and abandoned by my parents. But then I called you and Heeyoung, I pulled it together and got back to work as soon as I could. You think that shit would've hurt so bad if I didn't love him?"

"Yeah, but Jinyoung Hyung didn't abandon me and my baby so how's that the same thing? He needs someone who loves him, who knows him as much as Jaebeom Hyung does." 

"That right there is your problem. Need versus want. You wanna know why I moved on so quickly and why it took you so long? Because I _wanted_ my baby but I didn't _need_ her asshole of a father. So it was pretty easy to transfer all that love to her once I realized that. You on the other hand had some kind of emotional dependence on Jinyoung, the same way Jaebeom did. You both wanted him to need you and you were both scared that if he didn't, then he wouldn't want you either. Once _you_ saw that he wanted Jaebeom, you were more than willing to step back, because Jinyoung didn't need you anymore. And you wanna know what I think?"

"What?"

"If it was you in Jaebeom's place, things would have still ended the same way. All your medical knowledge would have failed. Maybe, just maybe, you would have ended up creating an even bigger mess trying to treat him and love him at the same time. He would've lost his trust in you. The reason you don't feel the same anymore is because Jinyoung didn't love you back the way he loved Jaebeom. Your love didn't have time or incentive to grow any deeper, you have no attachments beyond friendship."

"Wow..."

"No, really. I've thought over this a lot, trust me, because that's exactly what happened with me and Heeyoung. I liked her, she didn't feel the same, but we're still the best of friends." 

"You never told me."

"Because it's not important. She was there for me when I needed help with the pregnancy and I'll be there for her whenever she needs me. For Jaebeom, it's different. I can see that he really likes Youngjae and they're so good together, but it's also obvious he hasn't moved on yet, and neither has Jinyoung. It's not going to happen anytime soon either, you don't just forget a love like that."

"But Jaebeom Hyung walked out."

"Don't be so quick to dismiss his feelings Gyeom. You stayed by his side through it all, so you must know what it took for him to make that call. And he suffered a lot, before and after. It's a pretty shallow way of looking at things, judging people by their actions alone without understanding the reasons that led up to them. Don't be so harsh on him...Or yourself."

Yugyeom fell silent as he contemplated Jimin's words. 

"What, no come backs?" Jimin asked when Yugyeom didn't speak for a whole minute, just watching her in quiet contemplation. 

"What about Somi's dad?" 

"Oh he was an asshole. I literally waited on him hand and foot, and he still walked out because he didn't want responsibility for my baby. Our baby."

"So you don't love him anymore?" 

"Ofcourse not! Or maybe I do. I won't know until he actually shows up. But sometimes even smart people like me can do stupid things. He better wear some protective gear around his dick though when he shows, 'cuz show up he will, when he runs out of money. Then...vengeance will be mine." she said, rubbing her hands evilly. 

"If he does, you call me." said Yugyeom, rolling his eyes. 

"Nah, I can handle him on my own."

"No. You lock yourself in and call me immediately, understand?" said Yugyeom sitting up straighter as his grip on Somi tightened unconsciously, giving Jimin a stern look. 

"Okay, okay..." said Jimin rolling her eyes. "I know you guys like playing the hero."

"I'm serious Jimin."

"When did you grow up so fast little Goomie?" she teased with a fond smile. 

Yugyeom just answered her with a stony silence. 

"Oh come on, chill! You never used to be so serious all the time!"

"Well incase you haven't noticed, we're in a hospital and I have a sleeping kid in my arms. So please, do us all a favor and shut up."

Jimin gave a small chuckle before leaning forward to run her hands fondly through Somi's hair. 

"You're really good at this, you know that Gyeom."

"Thanks." said Yugyeom stiffly. 

"No, really. You're a good person Gyeom, a really good friend, and you're going to be an even better doctor."

"Is this why you keep calling me to babysit Somi at the hospital? For practice?" 

"No. It's just 'cuz you're so gullible. And her daddy's been MIA ever since she was born. Wanna hear the whole story? I swear it's funny."

"No thanks, I've already heard it about a hundred times before, including all the violent things you'll do to him when he shows up. You seem a bit too happy when you tell it anyway." 

"Aww...is little Goomie scared of Noona now?" 

"Knew this was too good to last." said Yugyeom rolling his eyes as Somi stirred awake and he jumped up to rock her when the wailing began again. 

Just then, Jimin's phone rang and she picked it up, giving her sobbing daughter a harried glance. 

"What?" she snapped irritatedly into the phone over Somi's crying. 

Yugyeom quickly took out his keys and shook them in Somi's face. She grabbed at them and thankfully, her sobs subsided into low hiccups. 

Through the sudden silence that followed, Yugyeom heard Jimin whisper, "Oh God...", before running out without another word to him. 

And then Yugyeom finally noticed the alarm. 

Code blue. 

*

Jaebeom was quiet, letting the sound of his mother's voice wash over him. His heart feeling lighter despite all the anger still steeped inside. 

"Jaebeommah...won't you speak to me?... I haven't heard your voice in so long..." 

The quivering voice of his mother brought tears of agony in his own eyes. The hurt was still too deep, but this was his mother. 

"Eomma..."

"Yes baby, talk to Eomma, I'm here."

"Have you been drinking again? You're making yourself sick and for what? I told you not to call me last time." said Jaebeom, even as his voice broke. 

"Jaebeommah please, don't be like this! I want to see you!"

"You know where I live, but you won't come because of Jinyoung."

"No, no, it's not like that. I just wanted to give you space to calm down. It's been months since you left us, the house feels so empty, it's like I'm dying..."

"That's exactly how I've been..." said Jaebeom, barely able to speak through the sobs trying to wreck his self control.

"Beommah please come see us. Your Aboji misses you too."

"Don't lie to me." 

Jaebeom had been holding himself together, trying to stay strong for months. For himself, for Jinyoung, for the sake of their relationship.

But Jinyoung was too busy. Jaebeom had been feeling lonely and vulnerable for days now, ever since Jinyoung missed his album launch. And now, as soon as he heard his mother's voice, he was back to feeling like a child, wanting to rest his head in her lap and forget about the new kind of ache slowly building in his heart. 

"I'm not lying baby. It was Aboji who told me to call you tonight. He wants to see you too, both of you."

"What game is he playing now?"

"Jaebeom, don't talk about your father like that!"

"I'm his son only on paper now remember?"

"Don't be like this Beommie, he wants to make amends." 

"Does he now?" 

"Yes!"

There was a moment of silence. Jaebeom felt weak. So weak...

"Okay. I'll ask Jackson if he can take Nora for a night and we'll-we'll see you."

"Really? That's so-" 

"On one condition."

"Anything baby, anything!"

"He has to meet Jinyoung's parents too. I don't expect him to apologize, but the least he can do is show them the respect they deserve."

"Ofcourse dear. You're right. You're absolutely right!"

"Eomma, I mean it. One wrong move and you'll lose me forever. Both of you."

"No, no. I'll make sure your father's on his best behaviour."

"Thanks."

"I love you.."

"I love you too Eomma...I've missed you."

"Beommie...is everything alright? With you and Jinyoung...?"

"Yeah...yeah, everything's fine. We've both been busy with work, that's all."

"I know Mrs. Kim raised you, but I am your mother. Are you really okay? Is he treating you alright?" 

"Ofcourse he is, no matter how much you want it to the contrary..."

"How can you say that! I'd never want you to be unhappy Beommie, you're my son! And believe it or not, we don't hate Jinyoung either!" 

"Sure."

"No, I mean it! Your Aboji even wanted to mentor him personally, he had so much potential..." 

"Oh yeah? What changed then? Did he grow horns?" 

"You fell in love with him."

"And?" 

"And Jinyoung didn't."

"You really want me to believe this was some kind of weird way for Aboji to protect me from heartbreak?" 

"He's your father Jaebeom. He knows you and he knows people."

"I don't get it eomma. Jinyoung and his family were poor but they were always proud. They never took advantage of me."

"I know that jaggiya. When Jinyoung refused your father's offer for mentorship after school too..." 

"What?! He didn't tell me that!" Jaebeom didn't bother specifying who, neither his father nor Jinyoung had told him. 

"Your father wasn't used to being told no, but he'd underestimated Jinyoung's wilfulness I guess...And then he saw your face when you came back from that school dance. That was the last straw for him. He was convinced Jinyoung was a complete sociopath who just liked toying with you and your feelings, that it made him feel more powerful than he would have felt if he became your father's employee..." 

"Eomma!" 

"I'm just repeating your father's words. And we both know that even if Jinyoung shows a certain...fondness for you, his feelings have never been anywhere near your own. And it pained your father to see you make a fool of yourself for that boy."

"Eomma, are you really trying to play his advocate here? What Aboji thinks about Jinyoung is his problem, not mine. Nor is it Jinyoung's. There's absolutely no..."

"You won't understand until you're a parent yourself Jaebeom! No matter how hard hearted a man is, he will always be paranoid when it comes to his child. Your father was afraid, for the first time in his life..."

"Of Jinyoung?" Jaebeom asked incredulously. "You've got to be..."

"Of his power over you! Of what he could do to you!" 

"Eomma, he loves me! Why is it so hard for you and Aboji to wrap your heads around..."

"He likes you now! He wants you now! Tell me honestly, has he ever really needed you?" 

"What's that got to do with anything? Is wanting not enough? Is loving not enough?" 

"No it's not Jaebeommah! Why do you think your father and I still keep each other around? No child should have to hear this but you know exactly how things work in our world, your father never loved me, not even when you were born. Our marriage was a busness deal. The only person he has ever truly loved is you! But me? He just needed me because of my surname. Our marriage was just a union of two powerful families, that's all. But Jinyoung has made it very clear that he doesn't need any of that. So how long until he falls short of the little affection he has for you and realizes he doesn't want you anymore either?"

"That's-that's never going to happen, he loves me, you have no idea..."

"Your father's afraid. We're growing old too and you're our only son. We want to leave this world knowing you have someone who we can absolutely trust to take care of your heart. But Jinyoung wanted you on his terms. Your father's afraid he'll reduce you to something so low and dependent on him that you won't be able to get back up once he's done with you." 

"Eomma, Jinyoung didn't reduce me to anything! It was Aboji who abandoned me!" 

"Because he wanted you to see the truth! Tell me honestly, are you happy Jaebeommah?" 

"I am!" 

But Jaebeom knew the answer had been too quick to convince either his mother or his own heart. 

"For your sake, I believe it Beommie..."

"I don't care what you believe! I know the truth! Jinyoung loves me and he'll never stop wanting me!" 

"Okay baby, okay... I just wanted you to understand your father's perspective too. He's only looking out for you..." said his mother in a placating tone. 

"Well then he needs to change his approach because it sure as hell doesn't feel like it!" 

"Why are you getting so defensive?" 

"You know what eomma? I have to go. Call me when you're speaking as my mother and not as my father's wife!" Jaebeom snapped. 

"Baby, you're misunderstanding again! Your father is really trying to change his mind about Jinyoung, you have to give him a chance..."

"I don't _have_ to do anything!" 

"But you will! I know you will! You miss us as just as much as we miss you! You couldn't stand not talking to us for so long. I know it!" 

"You can't-you can't keep doing this to me..." Jaebeom broke down into sobs as he heard his mother's voice crack with emotion. 

"Baby please, I told you, your father wants to make amends, no matter what he believes. He loves you, I love you. Don't leave us hanging. I'll tell Aboji to call you, then we can set up a date. You'll see, we're really trying here..." 

"I-I have to talk to Jinyoung and his parents first eomma. It's entirely their call." Jaebeom said, wiping away his tears, feeling weak and vulnerable. 

He wished Jinyoung was there with him, to hold him, to reassure him that everything will be okay. But they were going through another one of their cold wars and he hadn't come home for two days, staying at the office and refusing to pick up Jaebeom's calls or answering his texts beyond informing him that he was busy with the new client. 

"I understand." said his mother with a sigh of relief. "Your father and I...we've come to accept that Jinyoung and his family mean a lot to you. And he makes you happy...he does, doesn't he?"

"Yes, he does." said Jaebeom. No matter what they were going through at the moment, he could put up with anything as long as Jinyoung still wanted him. 

"I know your father and I might have said cruel things. But we could never wish you to be unhappy."

"I know eomma."

"You are happy, aren't you?"

"God, how many times do I have to tell you?! Yes! I'm happy! No I don't regret anything! Can we please move past this now?" 

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry... You just seem so down.."

"I'm stressed because of work." Jaebeom said quickly, it was atleast partly true. "I've been getting good reviews but I still have a long way to go. It's just the beginning...and listening to your voice again, it brings back memories, bad memories.."

"I'm sorry Beommie, I know I've been a bad mother. But I'm trying. I'm really trying."

"No eomma. Don't..dont call yourself that. That's not what I meant..."

"But you were scared baby. I should have been there. Stood up to your father, I should have..."

"Stop, eomma. It's all in the past now. Let's just-let's just think about this dinner."

"Okay...can I call you tomorrow?"

"I need time to talk to Jinyoung. We can only do this dinner thing next month."

"Ofcourse, take your time...he must be a really busy man." He could hear his mother's disappointment through her voice. 

"No, I have schedules too. But if you want to call, just to talk...then, you can." Jaebeom added. 

"Really? I wouldn't be disturbing anything, would I?" 

"No. I have a meeting with the main vocalist for the next album I'm producing, but I'll make time. For you."

"Look at you, all grown up, doing things on your own. I'm so sorry I ever doubted you. I should have known my Jaebeom can get anything he sets his heart on."

"Eomma, like I said, I still have a long way to go..."

"And you'll get there. Wherever it is. As long as your heart's in it, I know nothing can stop you."

"My heart sure is in it."

They settled down for a moment of comfortable silence. The past half hour was taking its toll on Jaebeom and he wanted to cling on to any and every positive comfort his mother could provide him. 

"It's Jinyoung isn't it?" she said suddenly. 

"What?" 

"Your inspiration. The one you write for?" 

Jaebeom was glad his mother couldn't see the goofy smile stretching on his face. 

"Wait...did you buy my album?"

"Ofcourse not."

"Oh..."

"Your Aboji did."

"Now I definitely know you're lying." he chuckled. 

"No, really! I admit he did try to sneak it in, but I swear I caught him in his study with his earphones in later that night."

"He never uses earphones, where did he even get them?" Jaebeom asked incredulously, still refusing to believe a word. 

"Probably had them stowed away somewhere, or he got them from Youngjae."

"Yohnjae?"

"Youngjae." His mother corrected. "His new personal assistant. He's a final year student, a part timer. Too young in my opinion but he seems to be some sort of prodigy. Your father has taken special interest in him, considering the number of background checks he's been running." 

"Sounds dangerous." said Jaebeom but his mother just laughed. 

"He's a good kid but he's too young. Even younger than you, and absolutely no experience. I asked your father to send him to me to train but I guess all his detective work checked out. He was recommended by one of your father's oldest friends after all, the Head of Department at the university Youngjae studies in. The boy's a hard worker and he seems to have won your father over."

"You mean he's found my replacement."

"Don't say things like that! You're his son, his own flesh and blood! Nothing can replace that! It broke him Beommah, you leaving us like that..."

"You can't really..."

"I'm not blaming you! Ofcourse it was his own doing. But that does not mean he loves you any less!" 

"Well then let him prove it."

"He will. I promise."

*

"Do you think this is a joke?" 

"Aboji...he'll be here. It was just a last minute emergency at work..."

"What was so important that he couldn't make time for your parents? Does he do this often Beommah? Are you hiding something from us?" 

Jaebeom crossed his arms in defiance as he watched his father pace the length of the resturant balcony where he had pulled him aside to cool down. 

"Aboji...Let's not start pointing fingers so soon. I hardly believe you'd like what you hear."

"I don't believe this! You still insist on defending him, after what that "fiancé" of yours pulled tonight?!"

"I'm just reminding you that his situation is not very different from yours. He works hard. Shouldn't you appreciate that? Or is this exactly why you dislike him? Because you can't control him like the others?" 

"Lim Jaebeom I'm warning you..."

"Enough Aboji! His parents are here, aren't they? He wanted to be here too! He had an emergency at work!"

"So he's disrespecting not only your parents but his own too! We live in Korea Jaebeom, you do understand this is not how you treat your elders! And what is this work emergency? He can't even give you a proper excuse! Didn't even pick up your calls, I've been watching you fumble with your phone for the past one and a half hour!" 

"He-he texted me!" Jaebeom lied. "God Aboji, give him a break!"

"Fine. I have to get your mother home anyway. You know how unwell she's been lately and all because of you! But I hope you'll have a good long think after tonight Jaebeom. Because believe it or not, you're going to regret ever leaving your home for this man."

"Aboji! That's enough!" 

"Do not raise your voice at me! This! This is the reason why I never trusted him! He's got you under a spell, you're his slave and you don't even see it! I'm ashamed Jaebeom. Ashamed to call you my son!" 

"The only reason you hate him is because he's the one person who refused to be _your_ slave time and time again! And that is exactly the reason why I'm proud to call him my fiancé while I'm ashamed to call you my father!"

Jaebeom really expected his father to give him another slap. The sting of the last one had never really left his heart in the past one year. But when his father spoke next, it was in a strangely calm voice. Like he was trying to reason with Jaebeom. Something that put Jaebeom on his guard immediately. 

"Tell me...are you happy Jaebeom? Really, truly happy? Or have you just been trying to convince yourself that man loves you, the same way you've been trying so hard to convince us all night. Even his parents look ashamed, but you are still in denial. He clearly doesn't care. He always thought he was too good for you or your family. Remember when you came home crying from the hospital because Jinyoung didn't want you there anymore?"

"I wasn't crying. I was just-" 

"Disappointed? You knew it in your heart that he didn't want you even then. Even after you'd been helping him and his family the whole time, taking care of his sisters and his mother like your own, so he wouldn't have to give up school. You think I didn't keep an eye on my own son? All he did in return was use you as emotional support, then treat you like a burden. Yet you kept going back. He has never needed you, you fool, he's always made that clear! How long before he stops wanting you around too?"

Jaebeom wanted to say something, anything. He wanted to deny, to defend, to dismiss, but his tongue wouldn't co-operate. His father took his silence as encouragement as he continued. 

"Maybe your forced kindness is the reason why he accepted you in the first place, because he clearly doesn't need you to help his career, I've come to realize that. He clearly believes that you aren't capable of reaching where he is right now. The career path you have chosen...it's a long road ahead of you. You are talented son, no doubt, but you have to realize that success doesn't come based on hardwork and talent alone, there's no certainty in the path you're walking. It's all pure luck. Until then, you're just a burden, holding him back from reaching his true potential, while _he_ atleast has got his priorities sorted. Your parents will love you no matter what. Even if you come back to us today, we will take you in. But he has no such obligation. He's going to get more and more frustrated and neglect you more and more. The guilt will eat away at your heart until you'll be left with nothing. If you truly love him, it's better to leave him before you become his biggest obstacle instead of his support. He clearly thinks he's made for greatness and you're just binding him down with you, wanting to play house and forcing him to start a family when he's not ready, not letting him reach the potential he was clearly born with. He considers you a distraction. Do the right thing son and make your decision. He's given you the biggest hint tonight, a slap in the face rather. It's a wake up call. Take it and leave before he blames you for ruining his life. That's all I can tell you with my age and experience... Ask yourself this question and answer it honestly, have I not been right about everything until now?"

Without waiting for an answer, his father left, giving him a gentle pat on his shoulders while Jaebeom's insides burned with humiliation and heart break, his brain fighting against every ounce of denial his heart could come up with to placate him during the past year. Every desperate hope he had clung on to in order to keep his relationship with Jinyoung alive.

Was his father right? How could he have been so blind? The reason Jinyoung had been avoiding him, it was so obvious now. Two months, that was all it took for their relationship to go downhill. Jaebeom didn't mind the fighting so much as Jinyoung's long silences, his indifference, the way his calls tended to go to voicemail, the way they didn't spend time together anymore, the way his messages were left at seen and then returned with monosyllabic answers. 

He would cling to those rare moments when Jinyoung would write to him a complete sentence. They never used to text before, spending so much time together that they didn't need to, beyond necessaties like class timing or resturant names where they'd be meeting up for dates. But now, even though they were living in the same apartment, they seemed further than they'd ever been before. 

What Jaebeom's father said had hit home. Just last week they'd both gotten into a huge fight that had ended in Jaebeom finally asking Jinyoung if he still loved him and Jinyoung just accusing him of projecting his own confusion on him. He had never truly answered Jaebeom's question. 

Jaebeom hadn't been home for days, locked up in the studio, Jinyoung never texted him or returned his calls. Finally when he had come home, he'd found the apartment the same way he'd left it. Jinyoung hadn't bothered to come home either. Their house wasn't a home anymore, just an obligation that tied them together against their will. Just like his parents.

Something was clearly wrong with Jinyoung, something was bothering him and it hurt Jaebeom that Jinyoung felt like he couldn't share it with him or any of his other friends. Perhaps his father was right, instead of seeing him as his support, Jinyoung had started seeing him as a burden.

And Jaebeom couldn't really blame him. Jinyoung had worked so hard to reach where he was and he could go still higher. A family was not something Jinyoung needed right now. They were too young, 22 was no age to be tied down permanently. And even a year later, they were clearly still not ready enough. 

Jaebeom couldn't help blaming himself. The last few times he had threatened to walk out and Jinyoung had failed to stop him should've been hint enough. 

It was all red and rosy when they'd been making their future plans. But reality was different, so, so different. They'd been fighting more than ever, Jinyoung had been sleeping on the couch almost every other night, on the nights he actually did manage to come home that is. 

How could he have not seen the signs? How could he be so selfish, so self centred? He was a burden. Jinyoung hadn't even remembered to call or text tonight, knowing both their parents were going to be there.

Ofcourse Jinyoung's parents were understanding, but Jinyoung knew exactly how Jaebeom's parents would take it after being away from him for so long. He'd missed them so much but he'd still left the decision on Jinyoung. 

And Jinyoung had promised. Had given his word. Even been irritated when Jaebeom had confirmed again that same morning. And yet he had failed to show up. 

His father was right. Jinyoung was better off without him. There was no way he was going back to his parents, but if he didn't walk out now he would never be able to. And then they'd both stew in their own frustrations with each other until one or the other of them broke and said something they could never take back. 

So he packed up his bags, called Jackson and waited for Jinyoung to come home.

*

Jaebeom arrived at the hospital early in the morning to find Jinyoung standing still in the waiting area, alone. His hands were shoved deep into his pockets and his face was empty of emotions. 

"Jinyoungah, what's wrong?" 

He braced himself to face an unresponsive Jinyoung, same as last time. But to his surprise, Jinyoung seemed to hesitate only a second before his face crumpled with pain and he ran straight into Jaebeom's arms. 

"His heart stopped Hyung...They had to revive him and take him away. They're working on him now...what am I going to tell eomma..." he wailed, his whole body heaving with sobs as he clung onto Jaebeom tightly. 

"Okay Jinyoungie, calm down. I'm here, okay, Hyungie's here..." Jaebeom said, patting him soothingly and leading him towards the chairs even as his own heart dropped heavily. This was it, it seemed. 

"When did you get here and where are the others?" He asked, trying to distract him. Jinyoung didn't answer immediately, but his sobs subsided after a while and he let go of Jaebeom. 

"I couldn't sleep so I drove back around four. They said the surgery was going to be later than expected due to some complications, so I sent eomma home with Sangook Hyung to change. I was waiting for him to come back when-it happened."

"You were alone?" 

"Gyeom was here just now, but I sent him away to get some sleep. That kid's been up all night taking care of Somi. He was dead on his feet."

"Oh God Jinyoungie, I'm so sorry, I should have come earlier..."

"Don't...just don't. You're here now."

"But I should've-" 

"Hyung please, just shut the fuck up and hold me!"

"Okay." said Jaebeom, shocked but still bringing Jinyoung to his chest again. 

He seemed to have calmed down significantly, his breathing even, as he played with the zipper of Jaebeom's jacket. 

"Hyung..."

"Hmm?"

"Where's that leather jacket I gifted you at our 1st month anniversary? I couldn't find it at the apartment." 

"I took it with me."

"You don't wear it though? You seem so...clean cut." 

"It's safe in my closet Jinyoungie. Don't worry."

"And your hair...you're a serious businessman now. Youngjae told me you took to it pretty quickly..."

"You liked it long didn't you?" 

"Yeah but...I like this too, change is good sometimes..." he said, playing with the short hair on Jaebeom's nape. 

"Long hair suits you too." said Jaebeom with a smile. 

"Thanks. The inspiration is kind of obvious I guess."

"Jinyoungie..."

"Hmm?" 

"Do you really want me here? I'd totally understand if you..." 

Again, Jaebeom couldn't find it in himself to finish the sentence as he waited with bated breathe for Jinyoung's response. He was still afraid of him being burdened by his and Youngjae's presence. That was a baggage Jinyoung did not need right now. And for a fleeting moment, as Jinyoung slowly disentangled himself from him, he expected him to just get up and walk away. 

But Jinyoung simply held his face between his hands and looked him in the eye like it was the most obvious thing in the world when he said, 

"There has never been a single moment in my life when I haven't wanted you Hyung, and there never will be."


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson realizes he's on the right path to solving Youngjae's mystery, while Jaebeom and Jinyoung make some more progress. Jaebeom is stuck between wanting to do the right thing and following his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a shorter chapter because I decided to split it into two. It was too long and it would have been messy. Hope you guys don't mind because the next chapter will be out sooner. I'm trying really hard to write and edit as fast as I can before the quarantine is over.  
> Thank you once again for all the love, the comments and Kudos. I'll try to get to the comments asap! But I don't want to lose this head space I'm in right now. The writer's block I had a few chapters ago was really frustrating. But as usual your comments and kudos kept me going! So thank you from the bottom of my heart! <3

Jaebeom signaled to Mark as his phone vibrated in his pocket. The waiting room was crowded again with everyone present, except for Youngjae whom he'd left in the morning with a stiff warning that under no circumstances was he to leave for Mokpo behind his back. 

He hadn't begun packing yet, quietly sitting on the bed watching Jaebeom get dressed with imploring eyes, but not daring to speak. It killed Jaebeom to see him so nervous, so afraid. He had become used to Youngjae being the brave one, the more sensible one. 

This was a completely different phase in their relationship where Jaebeom knew he now had to play the Hyung and take care of Youngjae, instead of the other way around. And even though he was still too angry to broach the topic of him leaving again, he knew they had to talk it out and come to a decision soon. Together. 

Mark moved over to take his place, sliding his hand into Jinyoung's and letting him rest his head on his shoulder instead without waking him up, as Jaebeom walked out of the waiting room to the balcony across the corridor, feeling eyes on his back. 

He had felt them ever since the members of their family and friends started pouring back into the waiting room throughout the day, glancing at him and Jinyoung before looking away quickly. Jinyoung had finally fallen asleep with his head on Jaebeom's shoulder and their hands still clasped together tightly. 

Though he hadn't really thought about it before, and the nods and greetings were nothing but friendly, Jaebeom felt all the awkwardness of his position, considering everyone in the room knew by now that he was (or had been?) dating Youngjae but not all of them knew that he had reconciled with Jinyoung and they were back to being friends. 

No stage of their relationship was ever going to be uncomplicated, Jaebeom realized with a heavy sigh. 

He had felt his face redden even further as Jinyoung's mother walked up to them quietly, holding herself together this time, and ran her hands gently through Jinyoung's hair before patting Jaebeom's free arm and moving on to sit beside them. Jaebeom couldn't tell if she approved or if she was just glad that Jinyoung was finally resting. 

He still couldn't find the will to wake Jinyoung up and make him move though, swallowing all the awkwardness alone until his friends gathered around them, exchanging information in low murmurs and thankfully taking the spotlight off of him. He saw Heeyoung give him a reassuring smile from her post by the door and he felt himself relax a little. 

Jaebeom leaned against the balcony railing and let out a deep sigh as he picked up his father's call. 

"Jaebeom, I heard from Youngjae that you're back in town?"

"You called him first?"

"We had some business to discuss."

"Are you still mad at me because Jinyoung went too?"

"Not really. I trusted Youngjae to knock some sense into you. You won't listen to your ageing father after all. I'm sure your mother told you her liver has been acting up and she's going into surgery next week. But ofcourse, Jinyoung's father is more important..."

"Not now Aboji, please. And I was the one who took eomma for her final check up, so this guilt trip isn't going to work. Jinyoung's father is suffering too, and...we really hope he's going to make it." said Jaebeom pinching the bridge of his nose. 

"Is it that bad? Your boyfriend didn't exactly say-" 

"Did you really give him the chance to?" Jaebeom cut in, exasperated. "And yes, it is that bad."

There was a moment of silence. 

"Well I'm sorry. Park was-is a good man." his father said, sounding uncharacteristically earnest. 

Jaebeom was just glad he wasn't the only one who had done some growing in the past year. 

"Thank you Aboji...I'll pass on your condolescenes to the family if-if it comes to that."

"I mean it Jaebeommah."

"Okay, okay. I got it."

There was another beat of silence. 

"Can you come to the office tomorrow? I need to talk to you."

"Aboji..."

"Just for an hour, then you can go back to the hospital. Come alone."

"Okay" Jaebeom sighed. I''ll be there."

He cut the call and turned around to find Jackson leaning against the entrance patiently, with his hands in his pockets and a look of concern in his face. 

"Hyung, are you okay?" 

"Yeah, why?" 

"I know this is bad timing, but where's Youngjae?" 

"He's at home. He couldn't make it today."

"Funny..."

"How so?" Jaebeom asked tiredly. 

"He likes to be involved in things, doesn't he? And now when he really should be here..."

"Seunnah, please..." said Jaebeom, pinching his eyes close with his fingers again. 

"Okay, okay...I was just wondering. But something's bothering you, you don't seem fine Hyung."

"Look around you Seunnah, who does?" 

"You know what I mean."

"I'm okay, it's just that..." 

Jaebeom hesitated. He had never kept anything from Jackson before, but knowing his history with Youngjae, he didn't really know if he wanted to share his problems with him. But this was Jackson, no matter what his personal resentments, Jaebeom knew he would never give him wrong advice. 

"Youngjae and I are going through a rough patch."

"Suddenly? What happened?" 

"I'm not sure and Youngjae won't explain. That's the problem. He wants to move back to Mokpo, tomorrow."

"Permanently?"

"So it seems." 

"Wow! How can he even ask that of you, knowing what Jinyoung and his family, what we all are going through-" 

"Jackson!" 

"What? Hyung, please don't tell me you're going to defend him again after this, this is so wrong on so many levels!" 

"He's not asking me to go with him, he's not asking anything of me except for a breakup!" 

"What?" 

"Yes."

"And you're...going to do it, just like that?" 

"Ofcourse not!" 

"Hmm. Unless...he knew you would say no."

"Do you really have to twist everything he does?"

"Okay, I'm sorry. But this is so out of the blue...you sure you had no idea?"

"I don't-I mean not exactly. But he has been behaving strangely for months now. And then-" 

"And then what?" 

"Okay promise me you're not going to turn this into something else, if I tell you. I'm only telling you because I think this is something bigger than what he's trying to make it seem and I need you to back me up, not tear him down. He's literally suffered enough by your tongue."

"Fine, fine, now tell me before I make an inappropriate joke about 'suffering by tongues'."

Jaebeom glared at him before continuing.

"I think it's his brother. He's been calling him a lot lately. And it all started before this trip was planned. I think this has something to do with him."

"The angry one?" 

Jaebeom looked taken aback for a moment. 

"How the hell did you know?" 

"Took a guess."

"Jackson, book a bed here before you start playing with me. I'm not in the mood right now."

"No really, it was a guess."

But at Jaebeom's warning look, he quickly added, "I mean Jinyoung picked up his call by accident when he had Youngjae's phone."

"So Jinyoung knows too?" 

"No, the caller didn't speak, but he did seem pissed. Then he called again, at the hospital, and now you say his brother's been hounding him for months. Not that hard to put two and two together."

"So when you brought his phone back...Seunnah, did you go through Youngjae's phone?" 

"Ofcourse not, what the fuck!" Jackson exclaimed, his voice still low but indignant. 

"So you picked up the call the second time?" 

"No, geez! Who am I? His personal assistant?" 

"Okay, sorry."

"I wouldn't go through his phone even if you paid me to."

"Yeah, yeah I got it." said Jaebeom rolling his eyes. 

"I've seen enough of naked Jinyoung to last me a lifetime. Not interested in you." 

"What the fuck!" Jaebeom exclaimed, grabbing Jackson by the neck and pulling him into a chokehold. 

"It was an accident!" Jackson gasped, grappling with his arm to free himself. They were both well matched, while Jaebeom was more agile, Jackson was stronger. "It's not my fault you asked me to find that picture of baby Nora in a hat to upload to your sns and forgot to put Jinyoung in your secret folder!" 

Jaebeom reluctantly let him go then and they both dropped down to the floor tired. A minute later, they were both laughing helplessly as Jaebeom punched Jackson repeatedly on the arm in mock anger. 

They stayed like that for a while, leaning back on their arms with their legs stretched out, just like they used to do by the riverside as kids. Each lost in thought as the reality of their current situation set in again, wiping out all traces of the few precious moments of humor they had found. 

"Hyung."

"Hmm?"

"We'll take care of him okay. Jinyoung."

"Thanks Seunnah...I know you will. You always have."

"And...and if you need help with sorting out this thing with Youngjae..."

"I'll be fine...but thanks for listening."

"Hyung. I know you'll do the right thing. Just, don't...fall off the wagon again, okay. Though I won't let you down. Not this time."

"You've never let me down. I let myself down. But I don't plan to this time. I've changed."

"I know that. And I'm happy for you."

"Even if I'm with Youngjae?" 

"Hyung..."

"It's okay. I know you won't like someone unless your heart tells you to and I won't force you. Just stop testing him okay, you don't know what he's going through."

"That's what Jinyoung said."

"Then maybe you should listen to us."

Jackson didn't respond but his brain was on overdrive. He couldn't deny that Jaebeom and Jinyoung had a point. He didn't know what Youngjae was going through after all, but he had made some calls of his own and perhaps, he might just find out soon enough.

Besides, he had another clue to go on now, because if Youngjae was in such a hurry to got to Mokpo, the answer definitely lay there, in Mokpo. 

*

When the young resident doctor entered the waiting room, he seemed taken aback for a moment on seeing it so crowded. None of them recognized him. 

"Umm, Mrs. Park?" 

"Y-yes." said Jinyoung's mother springing to her feet. 

"I'm Doctor Han's resident. Please sit down. He sent me ahead while he supervises the post op. We're a bit short staffed at the moment and he regrets it deeply. He wanted me to assure you that he will find and speak to you as soon as possible after we've gone through the preliminaries." said the resident, his face relaxing after the initial confusion. 

"Is everything okay? Doctor, please..." 

"Mrs. Park, your husband is stable for now. The surgery went according to plan. I'll explain everything, but please sit down." 

Luckily, Jinyoung had been holding his mother tightly as she trembled and then fell back against him, all strength seeming to drain out of her. He helped her back into her seat carefully as the others finally seemed to realize what the doctor had said and began giving each other questioning glances. 

Just then, a panting Jimin burst into the waiting area. 

"Oh! Sorry! I didn't think-" 

She looked appropriately embarrassed and bowed in apology when the resident raised an eyebrow at her, but he just smiled and gestured for her to come in. 

"I guess Jiminssi would like to give you the news herself, in complete detail." he said, still smiling. "I have certain paperwork to take care of anyway, so if you'll excuse me..."

He left, patting Jinyoung on the shoulder on his way out. They all turned on Jimin then, hanging on to every word about to escape her lips, their eyes wet and their arms around each other. 

"Appa's stable now, the recovery's going to be long with a lot of medication and physiotherapy involved, along with the danger of him relapsing if he doesn't go into complete retirement asap. But other than that, he's going to be okay!" she said, her jubilation turning into frustration when they didn't react immediately. 

"Kids! It's good news! He won, we won!" she exclaimed.

And that's when it finally hit them. 

Mark was the first to move, as he walked over to Jinyoung and pulled him into a tight hug, then Bambam, then Yugyeom and finally Jackson. Meanwhile, Jinyoung's sisters were both hugging their mother as she closed her eyes and clasped her hands in silent prayer. Sangook, Kang Hyung and Mrs. Kim all stood to the side beaming before Sooyoung ran into her husband's arms, now sobbing freely. 

And through a gap in the crowd around them both, Jaebeom caught Jinyoung looking at him directly while he hugged his mother, his sisters, Sangook and then Mrs. Kim, the same blazing look in his eyes as before. A look that made Jaebeom gently disentangle himself from Kang Hyung's embrace and turn his feet around, as if on autopilot, to make his way back to the solitude of the balcony.

Sure enough, after a few long moments of nervous anticipation, he felt a familiar pair of arms envelope him from behind and he turned around to pull Jinyoung closer. He didn't know why either of them had felt the need to come here. It wasn't like any of their family was going to judge them, atleast not openly. They were still friends after all. 

All Jaebeom knew was that what they felt right now, both him and Jinyoung, it was something private, something sacred, something no one could understand. Not when they couldn't understand it themselves. 

Jinyoung pulled back to look at him, a huge smile of contentment stretching across his face, a smile Jaebeom hadn't seen in two years. 

"Glad you started wearing these again. You look good with glasses." said Jaebeom, tweaking them with a finger, still holding on to Jinyoung with an arm loose around his waist. 

"How did you know?" 

"Know what?" 

"That I was fishing for compliments when I praised your hair." said Jinyoung with a teasing grin. 

And for a moment, they were back to two years ago, younger, with no past and no pain haunting their happiness. Jaebeom just smiled in answer, there were no words to describe his feelings anyway. Jinyoung's father was going to be okay and Jinyoung was going to be okay. 

"Finally." said Jinyoung. 

"What?" 

"That cute smile on your face, my favorite one, it's back." said Jinyoung, raising his eyebrows dramatically with a pout, as if it was obvious. 

"It's not cute." said Jaebeom pushing his chin out in mock anger, letting go of Jinyoung and turning around to lean against the balcony railing. 

"Aww...so cute!" said Jinyoung pinching his chin from behind and giving it a tiny shake. 

"I'm not cute!" said Jaebeom, grabbing Jinyoung's hand and turning his face away from him. But Jinyoung only pushed further in singing into his ear. 

"Jaebeommie cuuu..."

"I'm leaving." Jaebeom muttered, walking out without another glance back, Jinyoung's answering laughter still ringing in his ears like his favorite melody. 

*

"You really have a cute smile Hyung. You should do it more often." said Youngjae, leaning his head on his palm against the back of the couch with his legs folded on the seat and his beer bottle sitting on the coffee table, drained empty. 

"Not cute." said Jaebeom patiently, mirroring his position, playing with his own can of diet cola. 

"Sure, you aren't."

"It's this haircut you made me get. I feel de-maned."

"You've had that long hair for so long, I thought you might like a bit of a change."

"I guess it does feel good." Jaebeom admitted, sighing. "Even without the piercings, feels lighter for some reason."

"See? Change is good. Let's watch a movie to celebrate you going back to work."

"Okay. What movie are we watching tonight?"

"Dunno...anything. I just wanna cuddle."

"You really are a child some times."

"Don't mock me! If we weren't friends I would have kicked your ass right now."

"Are we...friends?"

"We've been living together for months Hyung and you're asking me now?" 

"I don't know...You know how guilty I feel. I should tell you to go live your life...but I'm too weak."

Youngjae was looking at him intently now. 

"I'm living the life I want to live. And I told you a number of times that it's okay to be weak Hyung. We all have our weaknesses."

"Oh please! You're the strongest person I know."

"You hardly know anything about me."

"Then tell me. It's only fair."

"In time. Not tonight."

"Why not? It's not like we're doing anything important...we're just drinking and watching a movie. Something you shouldn't be doing as we both have to go to work tomorrow."

"What's the point of being the boss's son and personal assistant then?" said Youngjae giving him a drunken wink, his words almost slurring. 

"You're a real lightweight aren't you, you just had one beer?" Jaebeom teased, shaking his can of diet cola mockingly in Youngjae's face. 

He was more or less in control now. Had been for a while. 

"You can say that. I don't usually drink unless I really want to get out of my head. You would know, you're the expert after all."

And the memories should have hurt, would have, if it was anyone else but Youngjae who made that joke. But Jaebeom merely chuckled. 

"You're right. I'm the expert. And right now you're drunk and I'm getting ready to watch a movie by myself. How much more boring can we get?" 

"We can do more interesting things if you want." said Youngjae, quietly. 

Jaebeom felt a sudden warmth on his thigh and looked down to see Youngjae's hand resting on it lightly. He was sure, it had been resting there for a sometime now, but he had been avoiding the tingling feeling in his stomach that made him want to pull it in further, waiting for Youngjae to make his intentions clear.

They had both been trying to avoid the increasing sparks between them for a while now. Jaebeom was doing better than ever, even going hours where he would laugh and practically forget about Jinyoung for a while. Youngjae was slowly replacing the drugs & alcohol, making him forget his pain for a few moments the more time he spent with him. He didn't want to mess that up. 

But at the moment, Youngjae was looking at him expectantly and he was sure that in that moment, they both wanted the same thing. He didn't remember who made the first move, maybe they both did at the same time, but suddenly they were kissing. Soft and hesitant at first, then more confident, more intimate, both their eyes open for a few seconds to make sure the other was feeling it too before closing them again and losing themselves in the feeling.

By then, Jaebeom's hands were on Youngjae's waist and Youngjae's arms were around his neck, pulling him down, down, down.... 

He woke up in the morning on the floor next to the couch, disoriented. A groan from the couch above assured him that he wasn't the only one. But before he could reach out or pull himself up, there was a flurry of movement and Youngjae was leaping off the couch and scurrying towards the bathroom to throw up violently. 

Great. Now they were both not going to work.

*

By the time Jaebeom made his way down to the hospital entrance, his ears were still burning and his cheeks hurt from the goofy smile on his face that only Jinyoung could put on it.

But he wasn't smiling anymore as he picked up the phone and called Youngjae. 


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reminiscence. Jennie makes a comeback and Youngjae gets ready for Mokpo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, sorry guys, it's later than I anticipated because of unforeseen circumstances but I tried to edit it as fast as I could. Please forgive any mistakes. I'll fix them asap. Hope you enjoy!

* * *

"Mark Hyung sent me a text this morning. He seemed a bit concerned about something that happened in the group chat yesterday and I'm a bit confused." Youngjae said, leaning against Jaebeom's desk with a mug of coffee in his hand. 

Jaebeom didn't look up or respond in anyway. The only sound in the office being the shifting of documents as he riffled through them pointedly, the quiet tinkling of the miniature waterfall next to his sealed glass window barely hiding the click of his jaw. 

"Are you sure you wanna use the word 'boyfriend' this early, Hyung? It was just one kiss." 

"I'll talk to them." said Jaebeom without looking up, his ears reddening rapidly. "But I need to explain it right. I just don't want to reduce you to a mere bed warmer. It's not like we're sleeping together. You're so much more than that." 

"I know, but still..."

"I like you and I need my friends to understand that you're important to me Jae. Especially Jackson." said Jaebeom, still going through his papers determinedly with a frown on his face. "And you've liked me for a while now, isn't that what you said after you kissed me? Give me some time to think things through first." 

He had been working non-stop all morning until Youngjae walked into his office with coffee, announcing that he needed a break and they needed to talk about last night. 

"This tastes like shit." said Youngjae, making a face. "I missed yours this morning." 

"I'm sorry, my in-tray is a bit full at the moment. I'll make it up to you, promise." said Jaebeom. 

"What about Jinyoung though?" 

"What about him? If he wants coffee, he can go get a boyfriend too."

"Hyung, don't be petty. How do we know if he's really okay with it?" 

"Wasn't he though, when Mark Hyung let it slip that we live together? He was the one who used the word boyfriend when he asked about you last night, without even letting me explain first. Seemed pretty unconcerned to me." Jaebeom said, his words ending in a mumble as he signed some papers with unnecessary stabs at the end. 

"You're gonna break the pen Hyung, calm down."

Jaebeom just ignored him as he continued to sign the papers and Youngjae couldn't help chuckling. Despite his worry about how Jinyoung was taking it all, he really had no way of knowing, considering he hadn't joined the group chat and connected with him yet. He might have to change that soon. 

And then, there was Jaebeom. He hadn't taken Jinyoung's casual use of the word "boyfriend" well, not one bit. Youngjae had caught the quiet curses and the clenched fists despite Jaebeom's effort to keep it subtle and he had been sulky all morning, snapping at his employees at every turn. That's when Youngjae had texted Mark to find out what was wrong. 

"You didn't correct him." Youngjae prompted again. 

"Told you, he seemed okay with it. And I don't want to make it seem like I have to justify your presence in my life. We've been broken up for almost a year...And he clearly doesn't give a shit anyway." he muttered bitterly. 

"Is that why you kissed me back last night? I mean you could have said no. I wouldn't have minded. You know that."

Jaebeom looked thoughtful for a moment as he paused mid-fussing to put his pen down. 

"The whole movie night thing was for me to take my mind off it." he said slowly. "But I didn't plan on kissing you, no. It didn't cross my mind until it actually happened. But I assure you I wanted it as much as you did. So if you're expecting me to be full of regrets and ask you to forget it ever happened, that's not what I'm going to do." he said, eyeing Youngjae coolly. 

"No, I know you're not like that. It's just, I want you to know exactly what you're feeling. You know I don't believe in keeping things in and letting them fester."

"Youngjae, let it go. It was just one kiss. I care about you, with or without labels. That's all I need to know." 

"Okay, okay..." said Youngjae, taking another sip of his coffee. 

He watched Jaebeom work for a while before he remembered. 

"Hey Hyung, I found this picture when I was sorting through your stuff from the loft." 

Jaebeom looked back up, warily this time. 

"It's....there are things in there that I should probably throw out, or send them back to my room in my parent's house." he said, his expression softening. 

"Trust me, there's nothing in there that needs to be thrown out."

"What did you find?"

"This. I didn't know you two were so racy..." Youngjae teased, as he pulled a photograph out of his pocket. 

Jaebeom looked at the picture and his heart stopped for a moment. Jinyoung, lying golden in the sunlight and glowing softly against the sharp, green grass with the waterfall in the background. Looking up at the sky with the clouds reflected in his dreamy eyes.

Jaebeom had taken many pictures with his phone in the months that followed, back at their apartment. And they were probably still there somewhere in a hard drive that he'd left with Jinyoung. But none could compare to this first one captured on film, with Jinyoung looking more like a faerie from the wilderness than a boy from the city.

"There used to be more of these. I didn't realize I brought it with me..." said Jaebeom in a hushed voice. 

"I only caught a glance but he's beautiful." said Youngjae, mesmerized by the sudden change in Jaebeom's demeanor. 

"Yes, he is..." Jaebeom whispered. 

Youngjae had never before understood the expression "starry eyes", but now looking at Jaebeom, his face lit up to reflect the glow of the photograph and lost in memories, he was sure this was what it meant. 

"Tell me about him." 

"You know everything."

"No. All I know is snatches and how much pain your relationship caused - your father hardly seems like a reliable source. I want to hear _you_ talk about him. The Jinyoung _you_ fell in love with." 

*

"Tell me" Youngjae said again. 

Jaebeom looked at the photo with reverence for a long time. Until he couldn't ignore the ache in his heart anymore and closed his eyes. And then he was talking.

Hours passed until it was time to go home, and he still wasn't done, as he told Youngjae about seeing a fourteen year old Jinyoung for the first time in the school library, falling in love with him, their shared interests and hobbies, the way his eyes slowly began lighting up everytime Jaebeom smiled at him across the school corridors, as if he had been waiting for him. 

As they drove back home through the dark, empty streets lit up by a beautiful moon, he told Youngjae about Jinyoung's understated kindness and gentleness, his fierce refusal to accept pity, the way he couldn't hide how his eyes turned soft when Jaebeom told him he loved him, the way his family accepted Jaebeom as their own, the tears and laughter they shared together, and how he quickly became such an integral part of Jaebeom's existence. 

Youngjae listened to every word with rapt attention, awe written all over his face instead of Jealousy. And so, Jaebeom let go of all hesitation and told him everything he remembered.

By the time they seperated for bed late in the morning, he felt a strange sense of relief. Like focusing only on the good times he'd spent with Jinyoung had brought some kind of clarity in his life.

For however long they'd been together, they had both learned so much from each other. And even if they'd ended the way they did, having Jinyoung in his life had made him feel the most alive he had ever felt in a long time. 

As he listened to Youngjae's gentle snores filtering in through the wall from the next room, he realized that Youngjae was doing that for him too, maybe not to the same level, but still. First as a mentor and now as a friend. He had come to him at a time when he needed a reason to live, something to hold on to, and even if the way they'd come together hadn't been ideal, he was healing. 

The most basic of which was remembering the lessons he'd learned from being with Jinyoung and taking things as slow as possible. Youngjae had managed to convince him to reconnect with Jinyoung and they'd been talking more and more, getting better and better, like old times. 

Jaebeom still wasn't sure if he was ready to come face to face with him in real life, but he was willing to try if Jinyoung was. Not immediately, but maybe sometime in the future, when they were both ready.

Youngjae and Mark had been talking about putting together a trip within the next couple of months and Jaebeom missed seeing his friends together, all in one place, as a group. His breakup with Jinyoung had ripped them all apart. If they could all just be together, him and Jinyoung would be alright too. 

And maybe, they'd end up figuring out what had gone missing between them afterall. 

The next morning, Youngjae approached him by the coffee maker hesitantly. 

"Hyung. I'm sorry." 

"What for?" Jaebeom asked, as he pulled out two mugs from the cabinet above. 

"You know what." Youngjae said quietly. 

"Oh...well, you should be. I didn't think I was such a bad kisser that you'd throw up." Jaebeom teased. 

"That's not what I meant."

"I know what you meant and I'm saying don't." 

"I just..." 

"Do you like me?" 

"I do." 

"Then why are you sorry because we kissed?" 

"Because I still think you need time to sort things out. You haven't talked to Jinyoung about your break up at all." 

"I do need time...but I wasn't drunk when I kissed you back Jae and you weren't drunk enough. We're both adults and we both knew what we were doing." 

"So... What does this make us?" 

"Lets take it slow. Very slow." 

"Is that okay?" 

"Ofcourse it is." said Jaebeom, handing him his mug. 

"Thanks Hyung. I didn't know how to say it." 

"Just be honest. The way you always are." 

"I'll try." said Youngjae. 

"If I've learnt anything from my past Jae, it's that we shouldn't jump to label things so fast. It's okay to take things slow. Let them grow organically." 

"Ironical, considering we've been living together for almost a year." 

"You were more like my caretataker for most of it though." said Jaebeom with a chuckle. 

"And now?" 

"Now you're my friend, someone really special to me." 

"I feel the same about you Hyung. But I don't want to jump into something before we're ready either." 

"Well that's that then. No need to agonize over it." 

"Okay." said Youngjae grinning. 

"Okay." said Jaebeom smiling back and ruffling his hair. 

*

When Youngjae showed up at the hospital late at night, he didn't expect Jaebeom to be waiting for him by the entrance. He seemed a little less stiff now as he allowed Youngjae to reach out and hold his hand without resistance. 

"Done packing?" he asked tonelessly, after a while. 

"Yeah...pretty much." said Youngjae, letting go immediately. Jaebeom was definitely not done with him yet. "You're going to be okay Hyung." 

"I know. I have everyone here, they'll keep an eye on me."

"You don't need anyone to keep an eye on you anymore. Like I said, you're going to be okay."

"I guess...I have Nora anyway." said Jaebeom trying to act nonchalant. 

"Does that mean I can take Coco with me?" 

"Ofcourse, she was always yours and Mark Hyung's to begin with. Bring her along to meet Suzy Noona sometimes though. She's gonna be miserable."

"I will."

"You always have a home with me Youngjae. You know that right?" Jaebeom sighed heavily, anger giving way to defeat. 

Youngjae was a bit taken aback. Had Jaebeom really changed his mind about the breakup? 

"I guess, deep down, I always knew we were better off just being friends." said Youngjae with a tentative smile, testing waters. "We were just too horny to admit it." 

"Oh yeah, the only good thing we got out of this relationship was good sex." said Jaebeom sarcastically. 

"I was just joking, geez..."

"Fine. You were probably sore all morning anyway." said Jaebeom giving him a deadpan look. 

Youngjae couldn't help it, he burst out laughing even as he felt the tears prickling his eyes again. Jaebeom seemed to have accepted the inevitable as he let out a small, grudging smile, but Youngjae was just now beginning to realize that it hurt even more than when Jaebeom was trying to stop him from leaving. Why were human emotions so complicated? 

"Asshole." he said in mock anger, before sobering up.

Jaebeom just shrugged his shoulder with a smug smile. 

"...I don't regret even a moment of being with you Hyung. You might not feel like it, but you've taught me a lot."

"Just because you're breaking up with me, doesn't mean you have to end it with a cheesy line. I'm a big boy, I can take it." said Jaebeom, looking away. 

Youngjae laughed again as he ruffled Jaebeom's hair fondly, earning himself a glare and an angry chin. 

"Okay, strictly no cheese." said Youngjae making a zipping motion on his lips. 

He was glad they could still joke about it even if they both clearly felt the pain. They had always been different, just like he'd told Jinyoung back at the cabin. A bond that could change color based on the circumstances, but never get worn thin. 

Since the beginning, they had both been ready for the possibility that their relationship probably wouldn't amount to much in the long run, but they had been willing to try and Youngjae was honest when he said that he didn't regret even a moment. 

Jaebeom had brought something in his life, a sense of purpose other than the responsibilities he'd been burdened with, that made him happy for a change. Being able to help him and see him progress had been sort of cathartic for Youngjae himself. And it was with a renewed resolve that he readied himself for the long road ahead. 

"Youngjae, do you really want this breakup?" Jaebeom asked quietly, looking down. "I know I reacted strongly when I've never known you to take rash decisions, but... you're asking a lot of me when you won't even explain why."

"Hyung...look at me, please."

He waited until Jaebeom had raised his eyes to his. 

"I know I'm asking too much of you. I know. But I can't be in a relationship with you right now, and it's not your fault. Can you trust me on that? Please?" 

"But-"

"Hyung, no one knows better than you what the consequences of forcing a relationship are. You need to let it go while it's good."

"Wow..." said Jaebeom, disbelief written all over his face. 

Youngjae knew it was a low blow. But there was nothing else he could do. He wasn't going to let his own heart control him anymore.

To do the right thing, he had to go back to being practical. The fact that it was the thing that had gotten him into this mess in the first place was an irony he didn't really want to think about. 

It had been a colossal mistake, getting involved with Jaebeom in the first place. He didn't think he had it in him to get emotionally involved with someone like that. But Jaebeom wasn't just someone. 

The day he realized he had caught feelings for Jaebeom was the day he had finally decided to end it all. He still remembered that strange, sinking feeling in his stomach all those months ago, lying awake on the couch the morning after their first kiss, listening to Jaebeom mumble in his sleep on the carpet below, while cursing himself for finally crossing the line and doing what he had expressly forbidden himself to do. 

He had tried to come up with a number of ways to get out of the situation before it got messier. But the mere thought of leaving Jaebeom had given birth to an ache he had never felt in his life before, and he'd only ended up vomiting the entire contents of his stomach, including that single bottle of beer he had drunk. 

He had always considered his extreme practicality as his biggest strength, and that's what had fascinated him about Jinyoung too, the reason he felt an immediate kinship with him. But now he realized that it had actually become their biggest weakness, when they both forgot to count basic human emotions in their future plans. 

He wasn't going to continue making that mistake if he could help it. Jaebeom didn't deserve it and this had gone on for far too long. 

"I just came to say goodbye to everyone. Glad Jinyoung Hyung's dad is doing better." he said abruptly. 

"Yeah. Me too..." said Jaebeom, clearly stealing himself to say something more. "...Jae?" 

"Yeah?" 

"I'm sorry for blowing up at you like that."

"It's okay Hyung. I understand...you really scared me though."

"Why? You know I wouldn't hurt you, right? What I told you-that was my past Youngjae, back when I was a teenager, I would never-" 

"No, I know, I know..." said Youngjae quickly, taking his hand again. "It's not that I thought we'd get into a fist fight or something. I would never hurt you like that either." 

"Then what are you scared of?" 

"I'm scared of hurting your heart again." he said, imploring, willing Jaebeom to understand. "You've come so far, I don't want to push you back to the hell you've only just escaped from. I just-I don't want to turn you into something beyond help. That has always been my biggest fear when we started this. And that was the reason why I never told you about my feelings. I didn't want you to get too attached."

"Youngjaeyah..There's something about me that you and all my friends need to know and I want you to listen very carefully." said Jaebeom tightening his grip with a stern look. "Even if I feel things a bit too deeply, or maybe my reactions are a bit too much, it does not mean I'm a delicate child. I've made mistakes and I'm allowed to do that right? Just like everyone else. That does not mean you have to tiptoe around me and suppress your own feelings trying to keep me happy. Allow me to take care of you too." 

Jaebeom let go of his hand and took a firm step back. 

"If it's just a friend you need right now, so be it, our relationship ends this moment. Yes, I like you but I'll get over it, I don't need to be your boyfriend to care. Now, will you let me help you? As a friend?"

"Hyung..."

"Did you tell Aboji, that you're quitting?" 

Youngjae had expected that question sooner or later. 

"He knows. It was a bit of an inconvenience but he was kind enough to let me go without repercussions. I was too underqualified for that job anyway."

" _My_ father?" 

"Yes." Youngjae smiled tightly. "He understood that my circumstances were a bit...inflexible at the moment."

"Then why not give you an extended leave?" 

"Because I don't plan on rejoining. It's my decision Hyung. My own. Can you stop acting like everything I'm doing is something I'm being forced to do? I have free will too you know." Youngjae said, his heart aching. 

Jaebeom sighed in disappointment. It had clearly been his last card. 

"I still want to come with you...no, hear me out first." he said quickly, holding up a hand when Youngjae opened his mouth to argue. 

"You don't have to tell me everything, hell you don't have to tell me _anything_ , if you don't want to. I'll respect your privacy, if that's what you want. But please, let me come with you, just for a couple of days, as your friend. I just...I can't stay here knowing I won't be able to make it in time, incase you need me. Think about it, please?"

Youngjae bit his lip. What would it take for Jaebeom to see how hard he was making it for him to leave? Every word he said rankled like a wound in Youngjae's heart and his guilt just deepened even more. 

"Hyung, you have work. We can't both just take off like that."

"I'm sure my father can manage without me for a couple of days. He's got better, more qualified employees under him, just waiting for their turn. So...what do you say?" 

"How about we make a compromise?" 

"I'm listening." 

"I'll go to Mokpo alone, but I'll tell you everything before I leave." 

"Tonight?" 

"Not tonight Hyung, I-I need to think over it, find the right words. It's a lot to take in and I don't want to make things worse. Besides, you should stay with Jinyoung Hyung and his family. I'm sure they'll like that." 

"So, when?" 

"Tomorrow, my bus leaves late in the evening right? We can talk before that. And if you-still want to come with me then I won't stop you." 

"You promise?" 

"Hyung..." said Youngjae tiredly. 

"Okay, okay, I have to go see Aboji in the morning anyway. I'll stay at Jackson's tonight, it's closer to the office. But when I get home, we'll talk okay? said Jaebeom, some of the tension seeping out of him as he placed a hand around Youngjae's neck and pulled him down slightly to kiss his forehead. 

Youngjae smiled back at him, giving out a silent apology from his aching heart. 

They walked up to a jubilant crowd of people in the waiting room. Apparently, Jackson and Jaebeom had talked their way into letting them all stay for a while to celebrate the happy news. Youngjae saw Suzy and recognized nurse Jimin along with Kang Hyung and Mrs Kim. 

There was another woman talking to Suzy and Mark, dressed in an expensive white pantsuit with long black hair flowing freely down her back. But it was her face that caught Youngjae's attention, it was beautiful, like a pixie, complete with a mischevious grin forming around her luscious lips painted blood red, a grin she turned on Jaebeom almost as soon as he entered. 

"So this is Youngjae." she said, the mischievous glint in her eyes intact. "You sure like 'em pretty hunh, Jaebeommie?"

Youngjae was thankful the rest of them were too busy crowding around Jinyoung and his family to hear her words as he felt his face redden.

"Jennie...behave." said Jaebeom lightly. 

"Oh I will _Oppa_ , you know I like 'em pretty too." 

"So, you're friends with Jinyoung Hyung as well?" Youngjae cut in quickly as he saw Jaebeom's jaw tense. He had heard about Jennie before but never met her in person. 

"I wish. But Jaebeommie here, doesn't like to share. He never did." she said winking at Jaebeom. 

Jaebeom rolled his eyes when Youngjae raised his brows at him and sniggered. 

"Don't listen to her. She enjoys getting on my nerves." he said dismissively. 

"Oh, then we'll get along very well." said Youngjae giving her a conspiratorial smile. 

Jaebeom threw his hands up in surrender and left them with a huff as Sangook and Jackson called him over. Youngjae was a little taken aback when his eyes slid over to Jackson and he didn't give him his usual mistrustful look as their eyes met. 

He was still reeling from it when Jennie ran her fingers gently down his arm to bring his attention back. 

"He's quite handsome, isn't he?" 

"Yeah, he is." said Youngjae absently, his eyes on Jackson, still puzzled. 

"All that power can be quite sexy too." 

"I guess..." 

"I wonder what it'd be like to be pinned between you two." 

"Hunh?" Youngjae's eyes snapped back to Jennie. He knew he'd been more than staring at her in admiration when he had entered, but he didn't think it was that lewd to warrant such a response.

"I grew up with him but we never really clicked, he didn't seem to really like me that much..." 

"But Jaebeom Hyung told me you're quite close?" Youngjae asked confused. This woman was really something else. 

"As if. He's always been too busy posing for magazine covers. Bet the only fucking he does is taking down his business rivals." Jennie said with a scoff laced with obvious admiration. "It doesn't help that I'm one of them, yet he insists on playing Jaebeom's bodyguard instead. Maybe if I let him win..." 

"Oh..." said Youngjae, comprehension dawning on him suddenly. "I thought we were talking about Jaebeom Hyung?" 

"That's a very, very tempting thought, but like I told you, he doesn't like to share." said Jennie, rolling her eyes and sighing dramatically. 

Youngjae was reeling as he took a quick glance towards Jackson, trying to discern if he'd heard any of what had just passed between him and Jennie. But he seemed too occupied, laughing in carefree abandon with Jaebeom and the maknaes, his arms slung loosely around Jinyoung and Mark who both smiled grudgingly, clearly the butt of their joke. They all fit so perfectly together, the six of them. 

'Did I ever have a place among them?' he thought, struck by a strong sense of loss. It wasn't just Jaebeom he would be leaving behind. 

Jennie watched him curiously for a while before snapping her fingers in his face with a smirk. 

"Care to share?" 

Which brought him back to their entirely inappropriate conversation from earlier. 

"How old are you?" he asked. 

"Rude Youngjae." Jennie scolded him fondly, as if talking to an insolent child. "But since I like you, I'll tell you. We're the same age, you and I. Jaebeommie told me you're younger than him?" 

"Yeah...and you call him by his name?" 

"Ahh, when it comes to men dear Youngjae, they need to earn my respect." 

"And how do they do that?" 

"Come visit me sometime, and I'll tell you. Bring Jackson if you can." 

"Can't help you there Jennie." Youngjae chuckled. "Jackson doesn't really like me." 

"Oh, is that why he keeps looking at you? That must mean he _reeaaally_ likes me." 

Youngjae's eyes snapped back to Jackson and sure enough he caught him looking away just in time. Jackson seemed different though. Perhaps it was the relief from Jinyoung's father getting better, but he didn't seem as tense as before. Or was this another of his mind games? 

"So what brings you here Jennie?" Youngjae asked, trying to gather his thoughts. 

"Oh, I came here on business, to discuss some funding for the cardiac ward." she answered casually. "My father's been a banefactor for a while and I refuse to let that stop, especially now that the hospital needs it. Heard about Jinyoung's father, so I came to pay my respects."

"A well sorted woman, at such a young age."

"I like what I do and my dad trusts my judgement."

"So he's going to hand over his business down to you once he retires, that's impressive."

"Oh honey...no one hands me anything. I take what I want for myself."

"So any luck with Jinyoung and Jackson?" Youngjae asked, his eyebrow raised. 

Jennie looked taken aback for a moment, before she burst into genuine laughter. 

"I like you, you know. I think we could be good friends." 

"I guess."

"Jaebeomie's too fierce about Jinyoung and I don't think that's changed, break up or not. But you on the other hand...I hear you're a free agent now."

"Where did you hear that?" 

"Oh Jaebeom let it slip when I asked him about his new boyfriend. He's too easy to rile up. I wonder how he's keeping it together this time."

"Maybe, he's changed."

"Or maybe, Jinyoung was the love of his life and you weren't?"

"Nope."

"Really? I could've sworn..."

"It's not a maybe. Jinyoung is definitely the love of his life."

Jennie gave him a long scrutinizing look. 

"I like you more the longer I speak to you. But unfortunately...I have to get to a meeting." she sighed looking at her watch. "I'd like to see you again, Youngjae. Don't forget me." she added, slipping him a business card as they shook hands. 

"I won't." said Youngjae, smiling at her and bowing. 

"And if you ever need my assistance, don't hesitate to ask. You've worked for Lim Sanghyun, there can be no higher recommendation." she said earnestly. "And don't worry about me stealing you, it's pure business. For now. It won't affect my father's friendship with him."

"I'll remember that." said Youngjae, smiling at her as she walked away with a hearty wink. 

There was something between them that seemed to have clicked instantly. He couldn't really understand it, maybe Jennie was just too friendly with everyone, but Youngjae was no stranger to deception and he could tell that Jennie's interest in him wasn't just superficial.

He had heard Jaebeom speak fondly of her to Mark and Suzy once, even if a little exasperated, like talking about a favorite sister. It had intrigued him a little. Any person that Jaebeom liked was sure to be worthy of knowing. Without even realizing it, Youngjae had begun leaning on Jaebeom's judgement in people heavily. Jaebeom saw good in people where it wasn't particularly obvious. 

His eyes turned involuntarily back to Jackson again, holding his gaze this time. Perhaps he was losing his mind but he could have sworn that Jackson gave him a slight nod. 

Just then, he felt an arm around his neck and turned around to see Mark with a toothy grin on his face. 

"How's Coco's mommy?"

"Shut up Hyung." said Youngjae rolling his eyes and elbowing Mark in the stomach. 

"Excuse me, did I see you hit my husband Youngjae?" asked Suzy sternly, coming up behind Mark to rest an elbow on his shoulder and sliding her other hand protectively around his waist. 

"Noona..." 

"That was so weak, Jae. You could do better." she said before pulling her arm back and punching Mark in the stomach, hard. 

"Ow! What was that for!" 

"For not letting me come to the hospital earlier."

"Babe, it was too crowded and you've already given me hell about it! Can we drop this now please?" Mark complained, pouting like a child and giving her a quick kiss despite her glare. 

Youngjae looked on with a heavy heart. Mark and Suzy looked so perfect together, so happy, so-uncomplicated. They loved each other, they'd been friends for years, both their parents were rich, they seemingly had it all. 

Except that Youngjae knew about Mark and his struggles with connecting to people while growing up. Which had surprised him, considering how quickly he and Mark had become close, setting up appointments to hang out by themselves to play video games, even if Jaebeom or Suzy weren't around, and even adopting Coco together. 

Youngjae had been grateful how comfortable Mark was when telling him his story, how his father had moved their entire family to Korea for his busness pursuits and Mark had been plunged into a foreign country with a foreign culture with no friends and very few people who understood his language. 

Having struggled to learn Korean as quickly as he could, Mark still found it hard trying to open up to people. It had been a huge shift for an extremely introverted boy like him. 

But then, he'd met Jaebeom at his new school and things changed, even better than when he was in America. Jaebeom was the one who'd introduced Mark to his childhood friend Suzy. 

It was things like that, that made Youngjae realize he had slowly begun falling for Jaebeom. But they were just friends then, and Youngjae, who had never even wanted to be in a relationship, had been extremely confused. 

And now the loneliness hit him in earnest. It would all be gone soon, Jaebeom, Mark, Suzy, Bambam, Yugyeom, Jinyoung, even Jackson. He sighed heavily and made his way out slowly towards the elevators. He didn't feel like saying goodbye anymore. 

As he made his solitary way down towards the parking lot to try and find his car, his phone rang and a familiar number popped up. 

"Hello." he sighed, completely exhausted and emotionally spent. 

"Youngjae, I just had a call from Lim Sanghyun! Did you threaten to quit? 

"I didn't threaten Hyung. I quit. I can't do it anymore."

"You don't get to say that! Act all morally high after you fucking abandoned me when I needed you! I'm your brother! You owe me!"

"Hyung, please! I'm not abandoning you! I'm coming home okay! I can't do this anymore. These are living, breathing people with emotions!"

" _Rich_ people, who don't give a shit about playing with our lives! You remember what my girlfriend did to me, don't you? I fucking loved her but she used me, and then threw me away! Remember what Lim Sanghyun made you do when he found out about our problems? Used you like a toy for his brat of a son to play with! That's all we are to them Youngie, toys! Bet Jaebeom fucked you real good when you broke up with him, and then bid you goodbye with a smile! Like that bitch did to me before she kicked me out! That's what they do, they fuck us and then throw us away!"

"Hyung, Jaebeom didn't-you made your own choices, I made mine! And we're both paying for them! Don't talk to Lim Sanghyun anymore, I'm not accepting any of his compensations either! I have a plan, I'll take care of you I promise, I won't abandon you!"

Minjae was quiet for a while. When he spoke next, his voice was suddenly soft, almost sympathetic instead of angry. Youngjae was too used to the sudden switch between his moods to be surprised anymore. His medication was probably kicking in. 

"I just hope you don't regret this Youngie." 

"I'm willing to take the risk." 


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Youngjae's redemption.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I'm back! Just two more chapters to go and we'll be saying goodbye to this fic. I hope you guys are well. You can dm me or @ me anytime on twitter:
> 
> https://twitter.com/GK7ahgase?s=09
> 
> Tags have been updated. The next chapter is going to be an overdose of JJP. I hope you all are ready!

* * *

Youngjae left his copy of the apartment keys in the keybowl for the last time and shut the door behind him. All his stuff was already in the cab, waiting downstairs to take him to the bus station. 

But he couldn't really register the significance of this moment as he pressed his phone to his ear again and the call went straight to Jaebeom's voicemail, for the fifteenth time in the past hour. 

"Hyung, where are you? I'm getting into the cab, come directly to the station. My bus leaves in thirty minutes."

He shoved the phone back into his pocket along with the ominous feeling that was growing with every minute of radio silence from Jaebeom. 

He called Jaebeom again and again throughout his cab ride before ending up calling Mark. 

"Mark Hyung, I can't reach Jaebeom Hyung." 

"Wha-wait, give me a second..." 

He waited impatiently with bouncing knees for Mark to finish barking some instructions to whichever employee was standing next to him at the moment. 

"Okay Jae, what do you mean you can't reach Jaebeom?" Mark asked returning a moment later, his voice softened with concern. 

"He was supposed to meet me at the apartment two hours ago after meeting his dad. He never showed. His secretary says she can't reach him either. I'm almost at the bus station now but his phone keeps going to voicemail. I'm getting worried." 

"Okay calm down. Let me call around, alright?" said Mark in his signature Hyung voice that could calm down even a panic attack. 

Youngjae wasn't having one yet but he would be well on his way if Mark didn't manage to find Jaebeom and bring him to Youngjae soon, safe and sound. 

"Wai-why are you at the bus station? 

"I'm going to visit my family." 

"Oh-but you didn't-never mind. Get on the bus and text me when you reach home safe alright? I'll call Gaga. He'll find Jaebeom." 

Youngjae felt the tension in his heart ease for a bit. Mark was always calm and collected. He always knew what to do and who to call. Jackson would find Jaebeom. 

*

Five hours later, Youngjae was back in his tiny childhood home after years, just one bedroom where he used to squeeze in with his three siblings and their grandparents to sleep on a mattress every night, a living room that served as kitchen too and a leaky tin roof. His brother had refused to move out for reasons known only to himself, despite Youngjae's repeated offers of bringing him to Seoul to live with him. 

"Hyung, I'm home!" Youngjae called out tentatively. 

He didn't know what mood his brother would be in. If he had taken his medication too long ago, Youngjae would have to brace himself for the consequences. He had never felt this scared entering his own home. 

He took a long breathe in when he heard the squeaking of wheels turning around the corner from the bedroom to his left as Minjae rolled his wheelchair as fast as he could into the tiny foyer. He looked gaunt, drained, as if he hadn't eaten in days or slept. 

There was a pause as both brothers eyed each other warily. 

"Come here." Minjae commanded quietly. 

Youngjae didn't hesitate as he moved forward to fling his arms around his brother and let himself be pulled onto his lap despite his bigger size. He buried his face in Minjae's shoulder and tried to pretend his brother was still whole and unbroken, still the father figure he'd always looked up to, who'd always protected him more like a son than a brother. 

"I'm too old for this Hyung."

"How have you been Youngie?" 

"Good, I'm good." said Youngjae, his voice muffled. He felt some more of the tension drain out of his heart at his brother's soft tone. The medication was working. 

Suddenly, he felt Minjae hiccup and pulled away in alarm to see his face screwed up in pain. He quickly moved to try and get up but Minjae held on even tighter. 

"I'm sorry Youngie...c-can you forgive me?" 

Youngjae was taken aback. Even on medication, his brother had never said those words to him, not for years. 

"Hyung, it was my choice, I did what I did..." Youngjae looked down, unable to meet his brother's eyes and face the guilt he knew his brother felt. 

"You did it for me, because of me, for us. If I didn't...if I didn't love you more than I hate myself I would have killed myself by now..."

"Hyung, stop it! Please! You know what it does to me when you talk like that! God..." said Youngjae pushing himself off Minjae's lap and beginning to pace around with his face hidden in his hands. 

"But it's true! I let you do things...vile things, made you believe like it was your responsibility and your fault that I am the way I am now. I didn't know what you were doing to pay your college tuition, for Hal-abeoji and Halmeoni's bills, it all started there, that HOD of yours, he gave you to Lim Sanghyun! I should have known, I should have stopped you, protected you, but I was too busy being a lapdog to that bitch, I just..."

"Hyung please. I refused to give you money, made you feel abandoned, pushed you to...do what you did. I was the one who took money from those seniors, I was the one who accepted Seonsaengnim's offer to be Lim Sanghyun's assistant, I was the one who agreed to play with Jaebeom's feelings, I..."

Youngjae couldn't continue as sobs wracked his body. For years he had trained himself to not feel anything, to just think of his family and never about those rich people who threw money at him in return for whatever he could give them. 

"You did the best thing you could have done by refusing to give me money. The amount of times I showed up drunk or drugged at your door, I was planning to kill myself with an overdose. Probably would've succeeded too." 

"But you still jumped..."

"I wanted to die Youngie. And there was nothing you could've done. No matter what I say when I'm...when I'm not myself, don't ever believe it for one second that you had anything to do with it."

Youngjae wiped his eyes furiously. The guilt, the regrets, it was all piling up. Jaebeom had done this to him, turned him into this emotional wreck, resurrected his dead morality. He had to forget that man. He had to. Jaebeom probably knew everything by now and hated him.

Two hours into his journey, Youngjae had realized that was probably the reason why Jaebeom hadn't showed up after meeting his father. His father had probably told him what Youngjae had been doing to him all along, and now he couldn't bear to even listen to his voice and hear his side of the story. He'd just texted Mark back that he was out and wanted to be alone.

Mark had seemed confused when he'd called Youngjae to tell him but hadn't pushed him for more information. Youngjae didn't think he could tell him without throwing up anyway. They would all find out soon enough and then none of them would want anything to do with him. 

It was bad enough that Jackson thought him vile, but Jaebeom and Mark...he would never be able to bear the hatred that would surely show in those soft, trusting eyes the next time they landed on him. Jaebeom was so kind and good, almost to the extreme. But Youngjae had seen his other side too, seen him riled up, seen the pain and intense rage in his eyes, at the world, at himself. It had scared Youngjae to the point that he'd been glad he wasn't Jinyoung. 

One part of him longed to hear Jaebeom's voice again, as if it had been days not hours since they'd last been together. The other part felt grudging relief, it was better this way, with Jaebeom himself choosing to shut down all contact between them. 

He turned around to see his brother sobbing quietly to himself, watching the conflicting emotions play out on Youngjae's face. 

"Hyung, have you taken your pills?" 

"I...no."

"Why not?" 

"Because I'm not going to be a burden to you anymore. I should be the one taking care of you, not the other way around."

"Is this why you've been starving yourself?" Youngjae whispered, falling down on his knees to grip his brother's wasted legs and peering up at him with blurry eyes. 

"Youngie..."

"Hyung, please, please don't do this, you can't do this! Don't try to leave me again please! I need you, you know I need you! I'll do anything for you, anything! You're all I have!" Youngjae sobbed, dropping his head sideways on his brother's lap and pulling his hands to place them on his head. He felt Minjae's hands shaking as he gently caressed his hair. 

"You have other siblings child. You don't need a selfish prick like me."

"You're not selfish! Nobody loves me more than you do, not even Hal-abeoji or Halmeoni. And no one loves you more than I do! Noona, Sungjae Hyung...they're all busy with their lives. All we have is each other!" 

"Youngie..." said Minjae again, giving his head a gentle push. 

"What?" Youngjae snapped thickly, still refusing to get up. 

"I'm hungry."

Youngjae immediately sat up. 

"What do you want? Tell me, I'll cook."

"No need." said a female voice from his right. 

He hadn't even noticed the motherly nurse who took care of Minjae, smiling by the tiny kitchen counter. Youngjae felt a little awkward, he had only ever talked to her on the phone and she'd been a source of great comfort to him but meeting her face to face was different. She probably knew everything there was to know about him and his family, if Minjae's frequent fits of rage were to be trusted. 

"I've already made lunch in hopes that you'll knock some sense into this little tyke's brain." she said turning to the stove and getting busy. 

"Little tyke" Youngjae mouthed silently to his brother. Minjae just rolled his eyes and gestured for him to go to their room and freshen up. 

Hours into the night, they were both still up reeling with breathless laughter as the nurse regaled them with funny anecdotes one after the other from her long career in home care. The chirping of crickets, the smell of grass wafting in through the window, the sound of their laughter and the cosy light from the single lamp hanging from the roof, Youngjae hadn't felt this peaceful in a long, long time. 

*

For the next two weeks, Youngjae spent as much time as he could taking care of his brother and going out to look for a temporary job. He tried to lose himself into the quiet life of Mokpo, something he'd run away from all his life while trying to find opportunities to lift his family out of poverty. 

Youngjae woke up at dawn to a loud ringing in his ears. He'd been dreaming about Jaebeom and surprisingly Jackson, both of them just standing there expressionless, watching him as he writhed in pain on the floor clutching his heart. It skipped a beat as he scrambled quickly to pick up his phone without bothering to check the ID, praying it was Jaebeom.

"Hyung?" he said breathlessly. 

"Youngjae? Choi Youngjae?" 

It was a female voice, vaguely familiar, cool and sensual. Youngjae felt himself deflate slightly. 

"Yes?" 

"This is Jennie. Remember me?" 

Youngjae sat up straight again. He hadn't called Jennie back after she'd slipped him her card. She must have taken the effort to find his number and called him. He felt curiosity and a vague pleasure kick in, almost overcoming his earlier disappointment. 

"Jennie, hi, how are you?" 

"I should be asking you that. Heard you fled town." 

"You make me sound like a fugitive." Youngjae replied, lips pulled into a tiny smile despite himself. 

"With the way Lim Sanghyun was talking my dad's ears off last night, pretty sure you are." 

"So he caught on hunh..." 

"Caught on to what?" 

"Never mind. Thanks for giving me a heads up."

"I'm gonna give you more than that if you allow it." said Jennie softly. 

He could almost hear her smirk and the wink that most probably accompanied it. It made his heart flutter even if it annoyed him a bit and his mouth widened into a grudging smile. He was finally starting to get Jaebeom's hot and cold behavior towards her. 

Jaebeom... 

"Jennie...now, now's not a good time..." Youngjae almost groaned, all traces of humor gone.

He couldn't outright berate her like Jaebeom, they barely knew each other and Jennie was...Jennie. Youngjae felt like he could let her annoy him for hours and he still wouldn't mind at the end of it. He needed a distraction, and any voice, even remotely friendly was welcome. 

He had felt so isolated from his life in the city, it was like he'd never left Mokpo. His savings were enough to pay his brother's medical bills and his grandparent's old age home for a few months after refusing to use Lim Sanghyun's generosity anymore, but he'd been working at a local restaurant while he waited to hear back from some of the jobs he'd applied to in the city as a business analyst. Nowhere major and definitely nowhere near Lim Corp. He didn't want Lim Sanghyun's attention on him if he could help it, didn't want him to think he was looking to join his rivals and risk bringing down his wrath upon his family. 

So far Lim Sanghyun had strangely kept his word and refused to acknowledge his existence while still letting his brother and brother-in-law keep their jobs at the companies they'd been recommended to on his reference, even when Youngjae had outright disrespected him by refusing the compensation they'd agreed on a year ago. He was probably satisfied with kicking Youngjae out of Jaebeom's life completely or maybe he wasn't as vile as he appeared. Whatever the reason, Youngjae didn't really want to work anywhere he'd accidentally end up having to meet him or Jaebeom. 

"Get your head out of the gutter. I didn't mean it in that way." Jennie said, bringing him back to the present. 

"Didn't you?" 

"Okay fine. I did. But just a little. I really do have a proposal for you." 

"Jen..."

"A business offer, jeez, let me talk, will you?" 

Youngjae answered in skeptical silence. 

"I can hear your eyes rolling." 

"Okay fine. Go ahead." 

Youngjae was really curious now and a part of him felt strange at how comfortable and easy it was to talk to Jennie. He didn't really have many high society friends except the ones he met at social events. He was a good talker and knew how to hold an audience but it was all a facade, he knew and the people around him knew, that he was no match for them.

He was just a pretty thing to look at for both men and women and a sweet talker who had the previlege of being Lim Sanghyun's personal assistant and Lim Jaebeom's newest arm candy, as far as they were concerned. No threat for them. So they laughed at his jokes and talked to him as if they were old friends, then proceeded to ask him his name everytime they met again. 

Jennie was different though. 

"Youngjae? You there? Hello?" 

"Yeah... Yeah I'm here." 

"So you accept." 

Youngjae hadn't heard a word of what Jennie had said but he felt rude admitting it and he needed her to keep talking. 

"Uhh...I'm going to have to think on it." 

"That would be a bit difficult considering I haven't told you my offer yet." 

"You were testing me?" Youngjae asked exasperated. 

"I just wanted to know if you keep spacing out because you know how screwed you are." Jennie said coolly. 

"A lot?" 

"You've pissed off some big people here Jae...i can call you Jae right?" 

"Yeah..go ahead."

"I'm sure you had a backup plan." 

"Actually, not really." 

"Your brother must have loved that." 

"Wow, you really did your homework...but yeah, I haven't told my brother yet. He just knows I have a plan. He doesn't need to know when or what." 

"Well lucky for him and you, I'm here." 

"You?" 

"Me. I need you and you need help. What a lucky break for both of us."

"I don't want charity." 

"It's not charity. I gave you my card and my reasons before I found out about all this mess. I'm offering you a position at Kim Enterprises." 

"You hardly know me. We've talked, what, once? If it's not charity, then it's some shady deal and I'm done with those." 

"Listen, I know why you left Lim Sanghyun Youngjae, and I know it'll be hard for you trust someone in that position again but I can't do anything about it. It's your decision ultimately. You can choose to take a leap of faith and I can assure you your dignity and a solution to all your financial problems in return or we can forget we ever met." 

"Why are you doing this Jennie? Did Jaebeom Hyung put you up to this?" 

It would be such a Jaebeom thing to do, to look out for him even if he was mad. What he'd done to Jaebeom, it didn't deserve any kindness. 

"Not really." 

"What do you mean not really?" 

"I mean that he didn't exactly tattle on you. I was waiting for you to call after you left the hospital but you didn't. Then Lim Sangyun came over for his usual drinks with my dad and they started talking about you and Jaebeom. I usually stay with them, against my mother's wishes I confess. But men are never more honest than when they're drunk and miserable. That's how you learn the best business strategies, trust me. Jaebeom's pissed at him big time and so is his wife. The last time Jaebeom was this mad was at that family dinner two years ago. So I called him up and he told me he was planning to go to Mokpo to see you."

Youngjae's heart leapt, holding on to that information desperately, despite his earlier resolve to forget about Jaebeom, he couldn't help the fire it started in his body, knowing Jaebeom was coming. But Jaebeom shouldn't come, not now, not when Youngjae was still too weak. He wasn't ready to face him and his questions. He couldn't. He had to call Jaebeom, take the cowardly way out and explain everything on the phone. They could meet later somewhere in the future but not now. 

"A-are you sure Jaebeom Hyung is coming to see me? If he's so pissed, why is he coming to see me?"

"You'll find out soon enough I guess. I thought he'd have called you by now. Or maybe it was a surprise...whoops." 

Youngjae clutched the phone to his ear, his heart pounding. Was Jaebeom already in Mokpo? If he was driving, it wouldn't take him long to reach. 

"Anyway, I'll be honest, it's for selfish reasons too...I like you Jae, ever since we first met, and I see it as an opportunity to gain a good friend and a loyal employee. Besides, Jaebeom likes you too, that's always been good enough for me. So...will you let me help you?" 

"Wow. This feels..." 

"Like the answer to your prayers?" 

"Like charity, Jennie."

"Then pay me off. I won't make you do anything you don't want to. I know you don't trust me but..." 

"I do." 

"Really?" 

"Jaebeom Hyung likes you. That's good enough for me too." 

"Okay, then...will you come see me Jae?" Jennie asked, uncharacteristically nervous.

It was endearing how brutally honest she was about her feelings. Just like Jaebeom...and Jackson. 

"I'll see you soon Jennie."

Youngjae dropped the phone down on his bed, hardly daring to believe what just happened. He definitely had to be dreaming. No way was it going to be this easy. After years and years of frustration and nearly wanting to kill himself for letting his family down, his problems were going to be solved just like that? That couldn't be true. These things shouldn't happen to people like him, they should happen to people like Jinyoung, who remained honest and good even in the face of temptation. 

Youngjae was drowning back into misery again, about to text Jennie to forget the idea and let him reap the consequences of his wrong doings when the bell rang. 

Jaebeom! 

Youngjae made his way to the front door in trepidation as the bell rang again. 

Too scared to look through the eye hole and bracing himself for what was sure to come, he pulled the door open and came face to face with Jackson Wang.

*

"I've been getting a few interesting reports lately Youngjae."

"I don't understand sir."

"I've heard that you and my son have gotten quite...close."

"Sajangnim..."

"The househelp has been finding his bedroom in a very interesting state, while yours remains pristine, unlived even..."

Youngjae almost trembled with fear for what was to come. He should have known better than to think Lim Sanghyun wouldn't have someone report his son's every move after what happened. 

"It's alright. I obviously know what he is...as for you, I should have paid more attention it seems."

"I can explain..."

"No need. I didn't call you here to listen to you, my son does that enough already, and I'm not my son, so you'll talk only when I tell you to talk. Do you understand Youngjae?"

"Yes sir."

"How's your family?"

"... They're-they're doing well sir."

"Is that old age home I recommended treating your grandparents right?" 

"Yes sir."

"How about your sister? Is her husband adjusting well at his workplace? I had to pull a few strings to get him in you know."

"Yes sir. He's-he's working hard." 

"I heard they have a child on the way. He must need that job more than ever now."

"Y-yes sir." Youngjae was sweating now. 

"And your brother, has he joined your brother-in-law for work yet?" 

"He starts next week sir."

"Good, good. You have talented siblings there's no denying it. I'm always happy to provide a little leg up to young people who deserve it such as yourself."

"Thank you sir. I'm grateful ofcourse."

"Which brings me to your third sibling, I've been informed that he has improved a lot in that American rehabilitation centre."

"Yes sir. He's doing amazing. He's back now. Thank-" 

"Pity he's crippled for life. It really was difficult to find a suitable job for him."

"Yes sir, I under-" 

"But ofcourse. You are my most loyal employee. I have to be generous, even if it caused me a bit of discomfort. What with your brother's history. Not a lot of people want to work with someone who's dispassionate about his future"

" I understand sir, I'm forever indebted..." 

"You've taken care of him and your studies as well. Willing to do _anything_. Admirable. A major reason why I hired you and am so generous."

"Th-thank you sir." said Youngjae warily. 

"Don't get me wrong Youngjae. I'm loathe to remind you of your history but it was quite difficult to employ you knowing that your previous _employers_ have had a very interesting background. Did my friend, your Head of Department, know about your part time _activities_? 

"N-no sir. This is why I approached him. I didn't want to be a part of that anymore, I assure you-"

"And I hope you never forget it. Abject poverty and promiscuity is not something you want to go back to after you have tasted a normal life, is it Youngjae?"

"No sir."

"You do understand that the only reason your family is not out begging on the streets and your brother is still alive, is because of my generosity? You don't want to be ungrateful, do you Youngjae?"

"No-no sir."

"Gifted that you are, you didn't think that was the only reason you have risen so quickly to such a high post over more senior and trusted employees do you? You cannot be as naive as that. You must have wondered, atleast once, why I'm so indulgent with you."

"I-I did, I do, everyday..."

"I have particular interest in mentoring young minds like yourselves. I have mentored a couple. Helps me build a loyal team around myself. People I can control. I have no use for trust, trust is for the weak. There was another one like you, very promising, but I wasn't able to _acquire_ him like the others. And then, you saw what happened to my son. He's the most precious thing that I have. I needed him back, healthy and happy. Your HOD might have let slip about your...personal interests. He just wanted to make sure that your orientation wouldn't be a problem with me and that I would treat you right. He's an old friend you see and he knows my inhibitions." 

"I-I understand sir.."

"Even though my son bears the same _abnormal_ interests, I confess I was still quite reluctant on hiring you initially. But then I found out about the conditions my son was living under. You saw him didn't you?" 

"Yes sir."

"I had predicted it, warned him, that nothing good would come out of being a plaything for that condescending, ambitious, self-righteous fool. That pathetic excuse of a man broke my son. Seduced him into running away from his home then reduced him to poverty and abused him so much that he ran away again. That man is sick and I'm not letting my son near him again. All because I couldn't control him, because I didn't have any leverage over him, because he refused my generosity, that fool and his entire family...but you're not like that are you Youngjae? "

"N-no sir."

"You are indebted to me and a good man must always pay his debts. Isn't that right?"

"Yes sir" Youngjae was positively trembling now. 

"You know you can't pay me back. Not in this lifetime atleast. No matter how hard you try."

"No sir."

"But there's a way. And I need you to prove that you're grateful and loyal to me. Can you do that Youngjae?"

"Yes sir."

"I would be really disappointed if I have to punish you and your family for your disobedience. Your grandparents have earned a lot of respect in their community I heard. Wouldn't want their grandson going to jail for failing to repay his debts, their other grandchildren not being able to find work anywhere in this small country and them having to sleep out on the streets now, will they?"

"N-no sir."

"Good. Good. I always liked you Youngjae. And even though it turns out you're no better than that tramp, and my fool of a son seems to be some kind of honeypot that attracts ants like you, you are still someone who knows how to be grateful."

"Yes sir." said Youngjae biting his lip and closing his eyes to swallow the insult. 

"So, you'll stay with my son."

"Sir?" Youngjae's eyes snapped open again in shock. 

"You heard me. You will keep on living with him. You have the influence over him that I hoped your pretty face would have when I sent you to him. Only two months as my personal assistant, you didn't think I'd trust you with my son because you have business experience now, did you? But you have other experiences that I might find...useful for Jaebeom. If that's what he needs to get over that man."

"Sir I'm not-I haven't-.."

"I sent you to him to be his handler. The fact that you're a good distraction for him as well is an added bonus. So now, you will continue to do what you're doing. Keep him close. Make sure he forgets about that tramp for good." 

"I-I don't think you-" 

"-understand my son? I understand him better than you, better than his mother and better than that man. How did I predict he'd end up this way long before he even put a ring on him? And I understand you as well Youngjae. Since you've already made your move on my son without my consent, you will not stop just because you got caught, you will continue to give my son whatever he wants, whatever he needs. You have my permission. If that's one way you're able to replace that man in his mind then do it. You have my permission. And then when I'm satisfied with his progress, you will leave, for good, so he can marry the person of my choosing. Should be easy since the only thing people like you love is power or money, so you get what you want and I get my son back...On that note, keep an eye on his friendship with Jackson. There's potential there. I shall make all arrangements to have you and your family moved to the west. You can lead a better life in obscurity with your future secured. I'm being more generous than what you deserve after your recent indiscretions with my son. I hope you will continue to be grateful and disappear from my son's life when I tell you to. Or you will regret it Youngjae."

Youngjae couldn't speak. All he could do was stare in horror at the man he had respected and admired so much. He had been a fool to believe all that generosity had been because of him and his hardwork and talent. He hadn't even been out of college and Lim Sanghyun wanted to hire him.

For all his practicality, the glitter of such a high profile job had blinded his intellect. He had been suspicious at first but he'd dismissed it, thinking he could handle whatever it was as long as his family was taken care of. But he had fallen for Jaebeom and now he must pay the price. 

It was all Youngjae could do to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill any moment. 

"I'll move out. I'll tell Hyung-Jaebeomssi that it was a mistake." 

"It was. A mistake. But now that you have shown penance, you will do exactly as I say."

"But sir-he's your son..."

"That is exactly why I must protect him. I've made my orders clear. You can leave now Youngjae."

"Sir, I need time..."

"Youngjae. I hope I don't have to keep reminding you what you owe me."

"Just one day. I have to see my family before-before I do this."

"I hope you will not disappoint me Youngjae."

"No sir. I'll do exactly as you say."

"Good. You may leave."

"Thank you sir." said Youngjae as he bowed a couple of times and turned around to leave quickly. 

"And Youngjae..."

Youngjae turned around, the tears finally spilling out of his eyes and down his cheeks. But Lim Sanghyun was already busy with some papers on his desk and definitely wouldn't care even if he saw. 

"...call me Aboji."

*

As Jackson watched Youngjae sitting quietly on his tiny couch with his eyes closed, his face red with shame and guilt and self-loathing, he felt a tug at his heart despite his anger. A strange urge to envelop Youngjae in his arms and comfort him, tell him that he was safe, that his family would be safe. But then he remembered what he owed to Jinyoung and Jaebeom and held himself back. He needed to solve his best friends' problems first before Youngjae. 

"What you did was wrong Youngjae, very wrong. But I get why you did it and...thank you for telling me everything." 

"You didn't really leave me any choice, did you? You already had me investigated, you just wanted to see if I would stick to the truth or lie my way out again." said Youngjae bitterly. 

"I'm not gonna deny it." said Jackson simply. "But I'm still thankful that you chose to tell the truth." 

"Oh, so are we gonna be best pals from now on?" said Youngjae sarcastically. 

"We can be." 

Youngjae lips parted slightly in surprise. He obviously hadn't expected that. Did he think Jackson was actually mocking him? Did he think he was low enough to hit someone when they were down, sitting exposed and vulnerable before him? 

"Wow..."

"I'm not mocking you, if that's what you think." said Jackson quickly. "The day you decided to leave for Mokpo was the day my views about you changed. I had already found out about you as much as I could, I just wanted to see what you were planning to do. Everything started to make sense in a different way. Your unnatural interest in Jinyoung, your extreme patience with Jaebeom, you trying so hard to get them to talk...there's good in you Youngjae, even if you don't feel it."

Youngjae looked away towards the tiny living room window where a sparrow perched chirping cheerfully in the background. He seemed deep in thought for a long moment so Jackson watched the little bird too. When Youngjae didn't say anything he turned back to watch him instead. Glowing in the light of the setting sun, he looked beautiful, his brown eyes golden as he stared at the bird with a tiny smile on his face before turning back to Jackson, his face suddenly soft. 

"It took me a while to figure out your act." Jackson continued. "I'll give you that. But I'm willing to help you, if you let me."

"Why?" 

"Why did you want to help Jaebeom and Jinyoung, despite the risk you'd be putting your family under if Lim sanghyun guessed your intentions?" 

"Because I have an obligation to clear this mess." 

"You didn't create this mess. They made it on their own."

"And I added to it, stretched it out further than it should have been. They would have probably gotten back together if it wasn't for me, I..."

Youngjae felt silent, his face screwed up in misery again, so Jackson simply watched his hands clasping and unclasping in agitation. 

"You don't know that." Jackson said softly after a while. "Yet you wanted to do the right thing." 

"I-I guess...It just took so long because I was trying to protect my family too. I thought I could do it and Sajangnim wouldn't know. He can't punish me or my family for his son following his own heart. Besides...I didn't know what Jinyoung wanted, whether he still wanted Jaebeom or not. The only way I could find out was to get them together in one place and observe. I wanted to take my time, test the waters slowly. See how much closer I could get them to each other without raising suspicion or creating a bigger mess. I almost did, that first night at the cabin when I convinced them to talk. I thought I'd made a huge mistake, that maybe Jinyoung was infact the heartless asshole that Lim Sanghyun believed. But then I saw him the next morning and I could see it in his eyes, the pain and regret, same as Jaebeom Hyung..."

Youngjae closed his eyes and took a deep breath before continuing, his hands clasped tightly. 

"The guilt was overwhelming me day by day, watching them pining for each other but holding themselves back, they thought they were being subtle but I saw everything." 

Youngjae sighed heavily.

"And so I made my decision, that I had to leave sooner and not in the way I had originally planned with Lim Sanghyun, I just didn't want his filthy money anymore. I was done. It was now or never. I'd go quietly and bear whatever consequences Sajangnim had in store for me, no one would know. He seemed strangely fine with it, considering I was leaving earlier than planned, probably didn't think it would make much difference when he told Jaebeom Hyung his version of events. The point was to make him lose trust in his own judgement afterall, first with Jinyoung, then with me. He would then completely become his father's puppet and marry whoever he chose. I was prepared to spend my life in Mokpo quietly without having to worry about Jaebeom Hyung or any of you ever wishing to talk to me again. I'm used to being friends with people who operate with the "out of sight, out of mind" mentality. I wasn't exactly part of your world anyway. But then..." 

"I found you out and ruined your retirement plans." Jackson said, one corner of his mouth lifting up in a teasing smile. 

"Don't credit yourself too much." Youngjae said, eyebrow raised and Jackson was taken aback. "I _wanted_ you to find out. You're their closest friend and you have the resources, ofcourse you would want to know the truth. I wouldn't have trusted myself either in your place. But I had to keep up the facade, make you believe that I was offended even when inside I was screaming in frustration at what was taking you so long." 

"You did let slip a big hint about your brother." Jackson admitted. 

"You really think it was an accident? That I've been fooling Lim Sanghyun for months but I _accidentally_ gave you a clue about my brother? Come on Jackson, I may not be as evil as you thought I was but I'm not as careless either."

"Wow..." said Jackson, at a loss for words. 

"I hope you're not mad that I played you. You were my biggest hope. I've observed you and Jaebeom for a year and I see that you two really are close." 

"Why didn't you just tell me then?" 

"Because I didn't trust your motivations either. Sajangnim had me believe there could be something between you and Jaebeom. How was I to know that your interest in his life was not simply because you wanted him too?"

"I guess I can understand that. You don't know our history."

"Do-do you mind if I ask? You know everything about me. And who am I gonna tell anyway..." 

"I don't really like to talk about it, but I feel like I can tell you someday. And you'd understand."

Youngjae seemed surprised again at Jackson's forthcomingness. It made Jackson's heart ache despite himself. Youngjae was smart and cunning when he wanted to be but he was still so naive about his own worth. The world hadn't been good to Choi Youngjae and he had learnt to survive in the best way he could, no matter how wrong it was. But he wanted to change and Jackson wanted to be a part of that for reasons he couldn't yet explain to himself. 

"Thank you. I don't know if I deserve it, but...thank you." he said sincerely.

"For now, " Jackson continued. "all you need to know is that I was about to make a huge mistake, one that would have destroyed my life, all because I trusted someone who acted like he had my best interests at heart. And Jaebeom Hyung saved me, just in time." 

"Was it...?" 

"Someone close? Yes...I thought he was the love of my life, but he introduced me to the wrong crowd and then ran away when I needed him the most, I was too blind..." 

"I'm sorry." 

"Anyway..." said Jackson clearing his throat. "now that we're both on the same page. We have work to do." 

"Are you sure you can trust me?" 

"Now? Yes. I think I can trust you. And...I kind of respect you, even if you choose not to believe it." 

"You don't understand Jackson. I have done things...back in college too, for money. I'm not proud of it." said Youngjae looking down on his hands again.

"I know...I know everything. You did it to give your family a better life. I'm not going to stand on a pedestal and judge you for sacrificing yourself for them. I can only imagine the humiliation and pain you went through very time. You don't have to be ashamed of that." 

*

Youngjae was quiet for a while, struck again by Jackson's generosity. All it had taken was for him to tell the truth and instead of the ridicule and threats he'd come to expect from a powerful guy like Jackson, all he'd gotten was kindness and understanding. Would Jaebeom be this forgiving too? For the first time since knowing him, Youngjae wasn't sure. 

"I trust you too you know." he said to Jackson instead. 

"You do? After the way I treated you?" 

"I do, because you're the only one who saw through my act and were honest about it. And if you say you respect me now, I can learn to respect myself again too." 

A sudden warmth in Youngjae's heart tugged at his limbs as Jackson moved forward and placed his palm on his face, albeit hesitantly. Youngjae was downright trembling now, they had never even shaken hands volunteerily if they could help it, but he didn't back away. 

"You're going to be okay Youngjae. I'll help you, in every way that I can. You never have to worry about your family ever again. I'll help you take care of them...and you." 

Youngjae looked up at him from his perch, searching his eyes for a hint of revulsion, grateful yet confused when he couldn't see even a trace of it. 

"Why?" he whispered. "You only need me to bring Jaebeom Hyung and Jinyoung Hyung back together, you're not obligated to do anything else." 

"You think you'd be able to live with this alone, even if you got them back together and left for good? You need a friend Youngjae. And no one knows better than me, the importance of a friend's hand offered at the right time." 

And finally, finally, Youngjae's stoic stance broke completely as Jackson held out his hand without a single hesitation in his demeanor for the first time and Youngjae took it with tears and wonder in his eyes. 

*

One month later. 

"Hyung, I know you're in there, just open the door" 

Silence.

Jinyoung turned around in trepidation to go back down and get the security guard. If he had to break the door to get to Jaebeom, so be it. As he bounced on his feet, waiting for the elevator, he realized he'd been everyone's last resort, Jaebeom would neither take anyone's calls after getting home from work nor open the door for them ever since Youngjae had left. He would just send them a text on their now dead group chat every now and then that he was alive and wanted to be alone. No individual texts were answered or read. He refused to see his father at work or his friends during lunch break, taking his meals in his office and working non-stop until it was time to go home. 

Youngjae had changed his number and was unreachable too. All they knew was that he was in Mokpo and they both wanted space. The rest of them could understand, they weren't kids anymore, they could hardly storm into their adult friends' homes and demand answers, some semblance of respect for their privacy had to be maintained. 

Jinyoung hadn't done any of the above. He didn't think it was his place to interfere in whatever was going on with Jaebeom and Youngjae. He didn't trust himself to be a good relationship advisor anyway. So he had avoided his friends' suggestions to call Jaebeom. 

But then, Jaebeom's parents themselves had called Jinyoung, seperately for some strange reason, scared out of their wits when Jaebeom hadn't showed up to work the whole day. He wasn't surprised by Jaebeom's mother but he'd been downright shocked to get Lim Sanghyun's call. He had pleaded and begged Jinyoung to go to Jaebeom, told him everything that Jaebeom had left out, about the days after their breakup and how Jaebeom had spent them in self destruction of the acute kind.

Jinyoung had been disturbed enough hearing it from Jaebeom but with the details that Lim Sanghyun added that Jaebeom couldn't give himself, he was absolutely terrified. 

"I'll be forever indebted to you Jinyoung. If you can't get through to him, no one can..." he'd almost sobbed.

Jinyoung's heart broke at that, hearing a shrewd and uptight man like Lim Sanghyun break down completely. The fear for Jaebeom's life set in ten-fold. 

Jinyoung had cut the call and picked up his keys immediately. It didn't matter if it was one in the morning, he had to get to Jaebeom before it was too late. 


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung and Jaebeom find each other again through friendship, loss and love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: "The Minor character death" tag I put at the beginning of this fic was for this chapter.
> 
> The final chapter is almost done too, so it'll be out sooner than you guys expect. Thank you once again for being patient. This chapter is very long so it took me a while to edit. I hope I did justice to it. Thank you for your kind words here and on twitter, they do mean a lot, you guys have no idea how much. 💚

Jinyoung had driven dangerously fast all the way to Jaebeom's apartment complex, only to have the security inform him that Jaebeom had expressly ordered them to turn away any and all visitors asking for him. One flash of his business card though and he was practically bowed into the building. 

But now Jaebeom seemingly refused to open the door and he was more than ready to go get a guard and get him to smash the door open. 

Just as he pressed the button for the elevator, the single door all the way across the marble lobby behind him snapped open and a shirtless, freshly showered, unshaven Jaebeom with tousled hair still dripping water, looking completely haggard was standing before him, wearing only loose boxer shorts that he seemed to have put on in a hurry alongwith a towel draped around his neck barely covering his torso. Jinyoung forced himself to keep his eyes away from moving south, even as he felt his face heat up. He fixed them instead on the Yin and Yang locket hanging around Jaebeom's neck. 

Right next to it, looped into the same gold chain, was his engagement ring. 

Jinyoung's eyes snapped up to meet Jaebeom's but no words would come, struck yet again by the difference between the way they handled things. Jaebeom had been wearing his ring all this time, right next to his heart, while Jinyoung had kept his safe inside its box to make sure he didn't have to see it without reason or he would never be able to function like a normal human being. 

Jaebeom glanced down at his chest and it seemed to take him a whole minute to register what Jinyoung was seeing. He raised his eyebrows, eyes narrowed and jaw clenched in defiance when he looked back up, as if daring Jinyoung to call him out for it.

Jinyoung hadn't been around to actually see Jaebeom at his worst with his own eyes and he didn't know what to expect. There was a different aura around Jaebeom now, something menacing, like a wounded animal ready to snap at the first object that tried to approach him. 

Nevertheless, Jinyoung walked up to him gingerly, unable to make eye contact for long but still determined, expecting the door to be slammed shut in his face anytime. With a sinking heart he realized, that even though he'd succeeded where his friends seemed to have failed, he had no idea what to do next, no plan. He wasn't good at this, not at all. How he wished Jackson or even Youngjae was there at the moment. 

"The guard called." said Jaebeom suddenly, watching Jinyoung move towards him with the eyes of a rearing snake, ready to bite at the first sign of a threat. "Glad to know your business card can go only so far to compromise my security." 

Jinyoung didn't say anything. He didn't know why Jaebeom had opened the door to him, anymore than he knew what to do now that he did. 

"I haven't touched alcohol or drugs, if that's what you're all worried about." Jaebeom continued in a monotone, effectively stopping Jinyoung in his tracks for a moment. 

And now, Jinyoung could finally understand why Jaebeom seemed so unapproachable. He thought their friends were worried about him falling off the wagon again and it probably hurt his pride, knowing that anyone who knew his history had valid reason to think so. 

But Jinyoung wasn't just anyone. He stepped closer and closer, maintaining eye contact this time, while Jaebeom continued to watch him with an air of challenge, as if daring him to say the words out loud. 

Finally when they were merely inches apart, Jinyoung lifted a palm hesitantly and placed it around Jaebeom's neck. The scent of his peach body wash was almost intoxicating but Jinyoung tried to keep his eyes on Jaebeom's. 

The effect was instantaneous. Some tension seemed to seep out of Jaebeom's entire body as his face relaxed and his eyes closed. 

It was bliss, just standing there, so close to him, touching him, feeling the growth on his face tickle the soft skin of his palm, hearing him take a deep breath and nuzzle into it like a cat. 

Jaebeom opened his eyes suddenly and stepped back. 

"Get in." he said, his voice just as unreadable as his face. 

Jinyoung moved past him obediently and into the apartment, feeling Jaebeom's intense gaze on him all the way in, making the hair on the back of his neck prickle. Only the living room was lit, and that too with dim lighting, all curtains drawn to hide the tall glass doors that made up an entire wall and led the way to the balcony that looked out over the hectic nightlife of Gangnam, shrouding the apartment in melancholy. 

Jinyoung felt goosebumps erupt all over his body. He hadn't been alone with Jaebeom like this for over a year, not without the burden of Jaebeom and Youngjae's relationship weighing on his mind. And in his current mood, he didn't really know what was going on in Jaebeom's mind either. 

He jumped slightly as Jaebeom kicked the door shut behind him with a snap that rang loud in the silence of the apartment and shouldered past him into the living room. He'd expected the whole place to show signs of devastation, but it was all surprisingly clean. A little too clean, even by Jaebeom's compulsive standards. His apartment looked practically unlived. 

What Jaebeom had been up to and how he'd managed to go through it all alone was beyond Jinyoung's comprehension. There was no trace of the alcohol or drugs he'd been made to fear, not even the faintest smell. 

"Hyung...where have you been all day?" Jinyoung asked, sweeping wary eyes all over the untouched furniture pointedly, keeping his place by the foyer next to the open plan kitchen. 

Jaebeom, who had just managed to pull on the tattered sleeveless shirt he'd worn every night since freshman year simply shrugged and started towelling his now slightly long hair.

"Overslept."

"Where?"

"Out."

"Out where?"

"Why?"

Jinyoung couldn't deny it, that stung, a lot. Not only was it a reminder that Jinyoung didn't have any more rights than their other friends to know about Jaebeom's private life, it was also a reminder that Jinyoung hadn't bothered to ask Jaebeom that question when it had mattered the most, during the later stages of their engagement or even after their breakup. It was a simple, logical question - why? One, Jinyoung knew the answer to in his heart but couldn't even begin to find the words to explain. 

So instead of trying, he walked determinedly towards Jaebeom again, who had resumed drying his hair with admirable disinterest while waiting for Jinyoung to come up with a valid enough reason.

He saw the confusion grow on Jaebeom's face, his eyes widening and his hands automatically slowing to a stop. He watched as Jaebeom's eyes followed every little movement that he made, as he took off his jacket along the way, unbuttoned his sleeves and rolled them up, until he was standing right infront of him. 

Before Jaebeom could say another word, he had pushed him down on the couch not so gently, ignoring his surprised yelp. Throwing his jacket on the back of the couch, Jaebeom looking at it nervously as it fell next to his head, he climbed up on his knees beside Jaebeom and grabbed the towel from his hand. The startled look on Jaebeom's face was little satisfaction, but Jinyoung was pleased with himself, anything to shake a reaction out of him would do at the moment. 

"You never dry it properly, always end up soaking the pillows." he explained innocently. 

Jaebeom just sat and watched him through the mirror above the mantle infront of the couch as Jinyoung worked, his lips still parted slightly as if unable to process what just happened. Jinyoung didn't look away from his piercing gaze, it was less awkward looking at each other through the mirror. Maybe if they stayed like this, Jaebeom wouldn't mind telling him what was going on with him without having to be asked. 

Jinyoung heard a soft mewl and turned his head around to find Nora perched on the kitchen island, watching them with her lamp like eyes and looking for all the world like an old woman watching TV. The kitchen was squeaky clean too. Apparently, Jaebeom hadn't bothered to cook himself a decent meal for days. Another stab on Jinyoung's heart as he remembered how much Jaebeom loved food and cooking. 

"Eomma had her transplant last week." said Jaebeom suddenly, his soft voice piercing through the emptiness of his home. 

"Transplant?" 

"Liver cirrhosis...she's been a heavy drinker for as long as I can remember. All that alcohol was bound to show its effect sooner or later." 

Jinyoung's hands slowed down as he took in the information while Jaebeom watched him quietly. 

"Is she...?" Jinyoung left the question incomplete, waiting for Jaebeom to tell him more. 

"Yeah...but she's under palliative care in America for now, didn't want anyone outside the family to know, might get on the news, rumors and shit you know..." 

That explained why none of their friends had told Jinyoung either. None of them knew. Jinyoung resumed drying Jaebeom's hair and watched him carefully for signs of impending grief. Jaebeom, however, seemed strangely detached, or perhaps he was in better control of his emotions than any of them gave him credit for. 

"If she didn't want outsiders to know..."

"You don't count. You're family, and she asks about you all the time." said Jaebeom firmly, giving him a stern look. 

Jinyoung swallowed the lump that formed in his throat at that. 

"What about your dad, isn't he with her?" 

"She wouldn't let Aboji accompany her...or me. Just her assistants."

"Why not?" Jinyoung whispered. 

"She says she wants to be alone for a while, we talk everyday but...she's sick Jinyoungie and I'm-I'm scared she won't come back..." said Jaebeom, his face finally crumpling in defeat. 

Jinyoung stopped drying his hair and placed an arm around his shoulder tentatively. Jaebeom responded instantly, turning around to wrap his arms around Jinyoung's waist and hiding his face against his stomach. 

Years of experience had taught Jinyoung that the best way to respond to Jaebeom's distress was to give him the comfort of touch, so Jinyoung pulled him in more securely with the arm around his shoulder and gently carded his fingers through his damp hair. Jaebeom didn't cry as he'd expected though, he seemed content enough with just this. 

For a while, the only sounds in the room were the hum of the refrigerator, Nora's quiet purring and their breathing getting heavier the longer they remained intertwined. Jinyoung's knees were beginning to hurt but he couldn't find it in himself to let go, his fingers still entangled in Jaebeom's sweet smelling hair, getting reacquainted with his natural scent. He could tell that Jaebeom felt it too, especially as Jinyoung felt him press closer and begin to rub his face against him the way Nora did sometimes. It had been so long since they'd touched like that, Jinyoung hadn't realized just how much his body had craved this, being able to touch Jaebeom without guilt, without barriers. 

When his knees began to feel wobbly, threatening to give out any given moment, he tried to shift slightly, subtly, so as not to break the moment. But it was enough for Jaebeom to let go immediately and look up at him, the blazing look in his eyes back in all its intensity.

They looked at each other for a long moment, before Jinyoung dived down, as if on autopilot, and bumped his lips against Jaebeom's. 

A spark of electricity, more potent than he had ever felt before shot down his spine and his hair stood on end, even as he felt Jaebeom stiffen and go completely still. 

But before he could apologize and back away, his brain scrambling to gain control over his heart, Jaebeom grabbed his collar and pulled him back in. 

Jinyoung was usually a quiet person, had always been, even when they'd made love, but he couldn't help the quiet moan that escaped him as Jaebeom's soft mouth moved against his frantically and his tongue snaked out almost immediately, demanding entrance. 

There was no way Jinyoung would have denied him anything, so he opened his mouth and let Jaebeom push his tongue in possessively, tasting every bit of the warm cavern it could reach. Jaebeom let out a grunt of triumph and his hands slid down immediately to Jinyoung's chest down to his firm waist, sliding on every inch they could reach. 

Jinyoung burnt everywhere they touched. 

It had been so long. Unbidden, the tears welled up in his eyes. It was all too overwhelming and yet it wasn't enough. His back hit the cushions hard with Jaebeom between his legs, he unbuttoned his shirt with his own fingers, with some difficulty seeing as there was barely space between them to move around, but the heat was too much and it was suffocating him.

Their mouths stayed locked together in their frenzied battle, tongue slicking against tongue, swollen lips tugged in between deprived teeth, parched throats swallowing around the thirst and the hunger that numbed all senses except touch. Helpless moans now filled the apartment. 

Jinyoung pulled back and they both gasped for air, but only for a moment, as Jaebeom continued to place open mouthed kisses all over his jaw, making his way down his neck to his chest before coming back up, his stubble pricking the sensitive skin wherever it touched while an apologetic tongue slid out to soothe it in long, wet, stripes before his lips sucked it in. As his teeth found the tender pulse point below Jinyoung's ear, his hand reached out at the same time to slide in between Jinyoung's thighs and grab his crotch. 

Jinyoung couldn't help it anymore, he hadn't touched himself ever since Jaebeom had left, it was beyond anything he could bear. He grabbed the back of Jaebeom's hair, arched his back, his head almost hanging over the armrest, and let out a loud, keening wail that ended in a shuddering sob. 

The next few moments were a complete blur as something soft suddenly jumped on them with a loud hiss. 

Blinded by a long, furry tail whipping against his face, he heard Jaebeom yell painfully and scramble off to the far end of the couch. Jinyoung tried to back away to the other end too but he felt sharp claws dig deep into the fabric still covering his stomach and froze. Fortunately.

Adrenaline pumped through his entire body for very different reasons now, as he watched Nora turn around to face a thoroughly shocked Jaebeom cradling his arm gingerly, her tail stiff, her ears pulled back and the fur on her entire body standing on end as she arched gracefully to look bigger. 

Jinyoung was reeling in shock too. Nora was Jaebeom's baby, she would never turn on him like that so defensively. 

"Hyung..what's-what's wrong with her?" He whispered, leaning around her back in time to catch the realization dawning on Jaebeom's face slowly.

"Don't move Jinyoungie..." Jaebeom whispered back. "She's just scared, give her time to calm down."

"But why did she claw you like that? Why is she scared?"

Jaebeom seemed to hesitate for a bit before answering.

"I think she thought I was attacking you, when you, uhh..."

Jinyoung didn't think it was possible for his face to burn even hotter from embarassment.

"So, umm...what do we do?" he whispered back, avoiding Jaebeom's eyes.

"Try and talk to her, very softly. Just don't touch her. She might calm down. She won't listen to me."

"Okay." said Jinyoung, moving slowly, very slowly to get into a more comfortable position, it seemed like it was going to take a while. All he could manage was a half sitting, half leaning position as Nora turned around to face him now, making him freeze again.

"It's okay Nora-jjing..." he whispered. "There's a good girl. Dadda isn't hurt, see..."

He could feel Jaebeom's eyes on him but Jaebeom didn't say anything, staying frozen himself so as not to startle Nora any further. So Jinyoung was all on his own without any way of knowing if he was doing it right. For the few months that they'd been a family, the three of them, the only side of Nora he'd experienced was excitement or indifference. 

But he tried his best, as he cooed some more soothing words at her for the next half hour, her stance slowly shifted and she finally relaxed into a soft, purring ball, curled up on his chest. Jaebeom continued to watch them, his eyes almost as unblinking as Nora's.

Jinyoung ripped his eyes away from Jaebeom with some difficulty before trying to coax Nora to take her claws out of his ruined shirt.

"It's okay baby girl, I'm okay. Go to Appa now, see how soft he is..."

Her Appa seemed anything but soft at the moment, as he watched them with a look akin to longing mixed with frustration in his eyes. A look that had been growing in intensity, ever since Jinyoung had showed up at his door. Jinyoung might have spent over five years denying it, almost throughout their teenage years, but he knew that look really well.

Finally, finally, Nora turned back around to look at Jaebeom and let out a soft mewl causing Jaebeom's attention to snap back to her. His eyes quickly grew soft as he held out a hand and sat patiently as she sniffed and nipped at it in apology before climbing up his arm to lick at the scratches she had made. 

Jinyoung was suddenly very aware of the foolish smile that had grown on his own face without him realizing.

He stood up immediately, buttoning up his shirt and straightening his clothes, causing Nora to jump off the couch and slink back into Jaebeom's bedroom with a swish of her tail, most likely curled up on his bed waiting for him.

"I should go..." Jinyoung mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck as Jaebeom turned back to him, the softness in his eyes still intact while they both suddenly realized that they were alone again. Jinyoung looked away. 

"Shit...sorry." Jaebeom groaned, looking at his neck before placing an arm over his face to hide the pink blush on his cheeks. "I shouldn't have..."

"No, no, it's not your fault, I started it." Jinyoung interrupted, moving quickly to walk past Jaebeom towards the front door. "It's just...I should go get some sleep before work. It's okay..." 

And it was. More than okay in his opinion. 

"...and you need to disinfect that Hyung. She might be vaccinated but she tongued it. It's not safe..." 

He didn't make it though, as Jaebeom's hand shot out to grab his wrist before he could safely throw himself out of the apartment without any further questionable incident. 

"Where are you going?" Jaebeom asked, his eyes holding the same blazing look again. The one that cut through his soul. 

"Home." Jinyoung said, his hand tingling with so much electricity that it was a wonder he hadn't ripped it out of Jaebeom's grip and jumped back. 

"I don't want to be alone tonight."

"I can call Mark Hyung..."

"You really want me to say it, don't you?" 

"No. I just don't think we're cut out for this friendship thing."

Jaebeom looked at him with his sharp eyes for a long moment. Too long. Jinyoung could feel the sweat gathering in his palm and he was positive that Jaebeom could feel it too. He shoved his other hand deep in his pocket and refused to look at him, choosing to count the tiny holes in Jaebeom's top instead and biting his lips nervously. 

Suddenly, Jaebeom let go of his hand and turned around to face the other way before sighing heavily. 

"I understand if...you don't want to stay. But if you can...please don't, don't go." he said in a quiet voice that ripped Jinyoung's heart to shreds. 

It was enough to make Jinyoung forget the tingling on his skin everywhere Jaebeom's swollen lips and burning hands had touched, the uncomfortable tightness in his pants, the desperate urge to run away from those lazer eyes and never look back... 

Before Jaebeom could say another word, he turned back around and made his way to the glass doors instead and pulled back all the curtains before searching for the switchboard and turning on all the lights, ignoring Jaebeom's surprised grunt. 

Once he was done, he moved back to plop down next to Jaebeom on the couch unceremoniously, his heart more or less in control of his mind again while it still pumped at dangerous levels. 

"Go give Nora her bath while I make dinner." he said firmly, picking up the towel that had fallen on the floor and throwing it at Jaebeom's face.

Jaebeom seemed even more surprised at his sudden casual tone than before as his abused hair emerged from underneath the towel. But he seemed to decide to play along.

"It's two in the morning and you hate cooking."

"People change."

"You're a terrible cook."

"If only you were this honest when we were in a relationship, you asshole. How many terrible meals of mine did you eat without complaining?" Jinyoung asked, miffed. 

Jinyoung knew his casual stance was very obviously coming off as fake, Jaebeom knew him too well. But it was the best he could do at the moment to salvage the situation. 

And finally, finally, the corners of Jaebeom's mouth twitched into some semblance of a smile. 

"How many lies have you told me exactly?" Jinyoung continued feigning indignance, jumping at the chance to stretch out the moment as much as he could.

"How many have you?" Jaebeom shot back defiantly.

Jinyoung had to think for a while before he remembered. 

"Remember when I said I wasn't jealous when you picked Gyeom to be your partner for the annual school dance competition?" 

"You were the one who told me to pick Gyeom, said his style of dancing was more similar to mine than yours!" said Jaebeom incredulously. 

"Yeah but still, you could have insisted again." 

"Sure! Fifth time's a charm..." said Jaebeom sarcastically, shaking his head in exasperation. 

"You did not ask me that many times!"

"Did too!"

"Fine! Remember when you scolded me for my side of the dorm being messy while that little shit Yugyeom just sat there laughing, and then I told you I sprained my ankle so you made me lie down while you cleaned up the entire room?" 

"Now, wait a minute..." 

"Remember when I said I loved those graffiti curtains you bought for our bedroom from that shady Curiosity Shop?" Jinyoung continued. 

"Yeah...?" 

"I almost burned them while you were gone."

"Woah, hold on..."

"Remember when I said I don't mind you snoring like a tractor every night?" 

"I-"

"Remember when I said I feel safe when you drive?" 

"Wait-what?"

"Remember when I complained of a stomach ache at that resturant after you introduced me to that senior from your label?" Jinyoung continued. "The one who kept touching you unnecessarily?" 

"What? I had to make so many excuses while you literally dragged me to the bathroom and then you, uh..." Jaebeom faltered. 

"Umm, yeah..." said Jinyoung blushing himself now. 

They were both charting dangerous territory again. What was it with his newfound lack of filter after his therapy? It was the elevator scene all over again and no Jackson to act as buffer this time. 

"Wait so _you_ tried to trick _me_?" Jaebeom asked slowly. 

"Why else did you think my stomach ache vanished so quickly? You're so naive Hyung, I don't even have to do much." Jinyoung smirked, trying to recover his casual stance again, causing Jaebeom to lean forward and smack him on the head before settling back on the couch relaxed with his eyes closed. 

As Jinyoung continued to chuckle , Jaebeom opened his eyes again and looked back at him with a dangerous glint. 

And that's when it hit Jinyoung.

"Wait-when you say I _tried_ to trick you..."

Jaebeom cocked an eyebrow. 

"You planned it all along? Really?" Jinyoung asked in disbelief. 

"Why else would I introduce my hot fiancé to my delusional sunbae if not for him to save my virtue like a knight in shining armor?" he shrugged smugly. "Also, he left me alone after that, don't think he liked what he saw much..."

"You wanted to do it in public that bad?" Jinyoung squeaked with his eyes wide. 

"It wasn't public!" Jaebeom protested. "It was a restroom, there was a door!" 

"Your sunbae walked in on us because you forgot to lock the stall! And all this time I felt so guilty, it was the single most embarrassing moment of my life! It could have been anyone!"

"What is life without a little adventure Nyoungie baby?" Said Jaebeom, leaning forward to poke Jinyoung's cheek with a finger, his favorite toothy grin plastered on his face. 

Jinyoung dodged the finger and ignored the way his pounding heart skipped a beat at that old petname.

"Your senior catching us with your hand down my pants is not adventure Lim Jaebeom. You're so shameless.." Jinyoung muttered, his face burning a beet red. 

At this rate, he was sure he'd be walking around as a tomato for the rest of his life.

"And you're so cute when you speak satoori when you're mad. Look at that cute little red face."

"Go give Nora her bath!" Jinyoung snapped, rubbing the back of his head with a pout and jumping up to get to the kitchen without another glance back, dodging Jaebeom's badly aimed kick trying to trip him on the way. 

He heard Jaebeom laugh almost hysterically as he lumbered into his room, and the sound was positively music to Jinyoung's ears despite his embarassment. He opened the fridge to go through its contents and reveled quietly at the sound of Jaebeom cooing at Nora. The apartment seemed to have come alive almost magically. 

An hour later, they both sat racing bottle caps across the kitchen table, keeping score over whose managed to go farthest before Nora caught it. They wrote down the score on a paper towel that Jinyoung had conjured up from his suit jacket, which still lay discarded on the couch. It was an old game they'd deviced when Nora was still an untrained kitten. 

Neither of them spoke, the game had started spontaneously after dinner, that Jaebeom had insisted on critiquing and seasoning according to his own expertise before it was pronounced good enough for consumption. Jinyoung had just sat at the kitchen table, watching Jaebeom work in his tank top and loose shorts, his now longish hair tied up in a half ponytail, slowly coming back to life as his skilled hands deftly juggled through various ingredients to make their meal edible. 

Jinyoung felt comfortable in the silence, his shirt sleeves rolled up, tie loosened, two buttons still open. He felt home. Except for the constant itch at the back of his mind, nagging him to bring up the topic of Youngjae. 

All Mark had told him was that Youngjae had gone back to Mokpo and they hadn't heard much from him since. It had taken them a couple of weeks, what with their busy schedules after their little holiday, to figure out that Jaebeom was avoiding them all too. 

Since Jackson was stuck out of town on business for weeks, he hadn't been able to personally get through to Jaebeom himself, calling up everyone, including Jinyoung, constantly to go check up on him. Mark had tried, the maknaes had tried, but nothing worked. Jaebeom simply texted them to leave him alone, to not worry and that he was okay. But it had the opposite effect. 

Jinyoung had let another week pass, trying to muster up the courage to knock on Jaebeom's door, feeling nothing less than an intruder. But all their friends had become helpless and they were scared of history repeating itself. Finally, it had taken the calls from Jaebeom's parents themselves to break his resolve.

"Hyung..." Jinyoung said, deciding to give it another try. "Why are you avoiding this place? Is it because of...Youngjae?" Jinyoung asked tentatively. 

Jaebeom's face hardened for a moment and Jinyoung felt his heart falter. It was too soon, definitely too soon. Youngjae was going to be a subject he'd have to skirt around while talking to Jaebeom from now on. He didn't even know if they'd get to hang out like this after that night, was it worth ruining the moment by trying to dig through Jaebeom and Youngjae's problems? He'd just wanted to make sure Jaebeom was okay, not psychoanalyze his broken relationship. 

His mind was reeling with uncertainty again. How he wished he was like Jackson, or even Youngjae, two people who seemingly knew exactly how to get into people's heads, or atleast Jaebeom's, without trying much. Although Jinyoung knew he understood Jaebeom as well as either of them, he still couldn't overcome his own limitations to use that to his advantage and get Jaebeom to talk or find the right words to comfort him. 

They'd almost always communicated heavy things like these either through touch or silence, words were something neither of them were really good at. But now that they were deprived of touch and neither of them seemed capable enough to meet each other's eyes for longer than a few seconds without their thoughts going into dangerous directions again, Jinyoung no longer knew what to do. Nothing his therapist taught him had prepared him for this. They were both too comfortable just sitting next to each other quietly. 

With a sinking heart, he realized that had been one of the major reasons for their miscommunication - they'd never really been friends. Their friendship had almost always been overshadowed by other, stronger feelings and that was the only way they knew how to communicate, even in school. Jinyoung had spent most of that time trying to bury his growing feelings for Jaebeom and trying to shut him away despite being grateful for the comfort. Jaebeom was always better at this than Jinyoung, comforting him, being there for him, but even he had been frustrated more times than Jinyoung could count. 

Things had to change if they were going to move on from this. 

"Hyung, it's okay if you don't want to talk about it, I understand..." he said quickly, giving Jaebeom an out he was sure he would would jump at but at the same time hoping he wouldn't. 

Jaebeom looked up at him then and seemed to understand his thought process because his face softened again. 

"Not really..."

"Yeah I know, forget I said anyth-" 

"I want to tell you Jinyoungie, all of it. It's just...I just don't know how to explain when I can't make sense of it myself." 

"Have you talked to Youngjae?" 

"Yes." 

"When?"

"Every now and then." 

Jinyoung was taken aback. All this time, he'd been assuming that Youngjae's disappearance off the radar had been the reason for Jaebeom's self-isolation. 

"So, everything's okay...between you and Jae?" 

"Kind of. We're still working through it." 

"Then?" 

Jaebeom eyed him warily for a long moment before speaking. 

"This place has never felt home to me Jinyoungie. It's like a cage my father put us in so he could keep an eye on me. And now that Youngjae's gone..." Jaebeom paused, he looked frustrated trying to find the words to explain his inner turmoil. 

"...It's just empty, it doesn't make me sad, it never made me happy, like really, actually happy. It's just so devoid of anything, like a limbo between what my life was and what my life's going to be from now on. There's just nothing for me to come home to or feel sad about. I miss Youngjae but this place has nothing, none of his essence. And I'm realizing only now how Youngjae must have held himself back, trying to take as little space in my life as possible so nothing could remind me of him."

"He's still on your mind though."

"Not as much as I thought. I don't know Jinyoungie, maybe it's because I've changed so much in the past year but I just don't feel it that much anymore. Or maybe it's because we talked about it before he left, maybe it's because he made sure I knew he cared about me. I don't know..."

Jinyoung felt the heat rise up in his face again and just like that, the guilt was back. Even though Jaebeom had been the one to leave him, there hadn't been a single attempt at communication from his side, before or after. And now that he knew how important it was, the hurt kept clawing at his insides, no matter how many times Jaebeom said it wasn't his fault. This was something he'd have to live with for a long, long time. 

Jaebeom seemed so lost in thought that he didn't seem to have realized the emotional storm going on inside Jinyoung's head, until he shifted uncomfortably and it snapped Jaebeom's attention back to him.

"There's also...there's something else..." Jaebeom continued, his mouth curling around the words as if tasting something bitter. "It's my dad. He...did something...God I feel so ashamed even thinking about it." he said, burying his face in his hands. "I don't know where to start. And Youngjae insists he wants me to forget about it, but I can't, it's not just him who's involved, it doesn't just affect him." 

"Start from anywhere. Don't try to make sense, just start talking." 

"My mom left my dad. Before her surgery." 

"What?" Jinyoung exclaimed, shocked. He couldn't believe it, Jaebeom's parents both belonged to two very powerful families. It would have been all over the news. 

"They're seperated, not divorced. They can't afford to do that. Not without destroying everything they've built together. There's just too much involved. But she left him, because of what he did to Youngjae and...us." 

"Us?"

"Me and you."

"What did he do?" Jinyoung asked, his voice a dead weight now. 

"He told-he forced Youngjae into a relationship with me." 

"That's impossible, we know Youngae, he really likes you!" 

"He did. But he wanted to end it because I wasn't over you...and then my dad found out and he forced him to continue...to keep me away from you, it's all such a mess..." 

Jinyoung sat in stunned silence for what seemed like hours before he found the will to speak. 

"Hyung please tell me this is a joke. It can't be real. People don't do this in real life." 

"Welcome to my world Jinyoung. People do this everyday to their children and worst. I got lucky." said Jaebeom bitterly. 

They sat quietly for a while, each lost in thought. Jinyoung's mind was a storm, going back to all their memories from a year ago, everything taking on a different meaning now. 

"How long has this been going on?" he asked after a while. 

"Since before our breakup."

"What?"

"I'm not trying to make excuses...but I was in a really bad place Jinyoungie, I was too weak and I missed my parents and God I was so desperate for someone to listen to me, to love me..." Jaebeom groaned, bringing his fingers up to massage his temples. 

"As much as I hate your dad for doing that to Youngjae, I can't blame him for trying to keep you away from me. After what I did to you." Jinyoung said quietly, looking down on the floor. 

"Shut up!" said Jaebeom immediately, glaring at him. "I'm trying to tell you things because you asked, because you're one of my oldest friends, because you of all people would understand! Not to make you feel guilty! Can you just, please, just listen without coming to conclusions? I thought we were over this!" 

Jinyoung gave him a grateful look. If they were going to keep up this friendship thing going, he needed Jaebeom to trust him again and for that he had to prove to Jaebeom that he trusted him too. 

"Then why did Youngjae leave?" he asked gingerly. 

"He felt guilty...he'd been saving for months for his brother's treatment so he could become independent of my dad's favors." 

"Oh God, Hyung..." 

"I know, I know, and I feel so guilty..." said Jaebeom, hiding his face in his hands again. 

"Don't...its not your fault. You're not you dad! Lim Jaebeom, look at me!" he snapped, forcing Jaebeom's hands away. "It's not your fault! We broke up long before your dad got Youngjae involved!" 

"You don't understand Jinyoungie, we'd been talking for days, my parents and I, before that dinner. He knew I was vulnerable because we were fighting so much, he forced my mother to keep tabs on us. And I just let him get to me, it's all my fault, my fault..." 

"Hyung it's not all your fault! We were both at fault! If we weren't fighting, your dad would have never had the chance to come between us. Hyung please, we've come so far, don't go back into that spiral again! I'm here, aren't I? I'm still here!" 

Jaebeom looked at him through wet eyes for a long time. 

"I never deserved you Jinyoungie." 

"That's cheesy as hell but I never deserved you either." 

"So what do we do now?" Jaebeom asked in a whisper. 

"What we didn't do before." 

"Which is what?" 

"We actually try to be the friends we were supposed to be. Before we let our feelings complicate things." 

"But I can't pretend not to love you Jinyoungie, you know that." 

"I'm not asking you to pretend Hyung. That's where I went wrong, I denied my feelings for far too long, letting all the frustration build inside us both for years. I know you love me, and I love you, so now we acknowledge that but we keep it aside for a while." 

"I can't date anyone else now Jinyoung. I don't have it in me." 

"I know, I know, I'm not asking you to force yourself to go out with anyone. You can just do that with me, if you want."

"How is that supposed to help me keep my hands off you?" 

"As friends! We just hang out, and then go back to our seperate homes. Make this friendship thing work." 

They both leaned against the back of their chairs and Jaebeom let out a heavy sigh. 

"There's something else I have to do too."

"What?" 

"I have to see Youngjae, face to face, make sure he's okay. He told me not to come, that he has things figured out, that Jackson and Jennie of all people have been helping him, and he'll call me himself but, I can't just sit here knowing what I know now."

"Jackson and Jennie, wow..."

"Yeah, long story..."

"Why didn't you go earlier?"

"I was ready to go but Jackson told me it would be better if he went. He told me to wait. And then Youngjae called to apologize, he said he's doing okay and he needs space away from me...But I need to see it with my own eyes before I believe anything that idiot tells me. I don't know how to face him now. I was so mad at him that day he left, he kept so many secrets from me, for no matter what reason. Youngjae is a good person, he should have known that I would trust him, if only he'd told me the truth himself...I would have helped him, even if I had to go against my dad. Why couldn't he just tell me?" said Jaebeom, slapping his knee in frustration. 

"It's not easy for people like us to take on powerful people like your dad. Your father has a history of being callous, even with his own son, Youngjae wouldn't have wanted you to bear the punishment with him. You trusted him, must have been the very reason why he didn't want to tell you the truth."

Jinyoung let out a heavy sigh too. 

"Also, telling a son his father is a..." 

"Say it." Jaebeom prompted when Jinyoung paused, turning his head to look at him earnestly, both their heads still resting against their chairs lazily. 

"No it's okay." 

"Say it Jinyoungie. You were the first one he tried to go after. I swear to God if you go back to acting like a feelingless robot again..."

"A manipulative ass...man." 

"Not good enough, but I'll take it as work in progress." Jaebeom grinned, and this time it was Jinyoung who smacked his head. 

"Now will you tell me where you've been sleeping?" 

Jaebeom contemplated over the question for a long moment before getting up to walk towards the front door and grabbing his car key from the hook. He turned around realizing Jinyoung hadn't followed him. 

"You coming?" 

"Where?" 

"You want to know what I've been upto right? Let me show you."

*

Another month passed and spring was finally upon them. 

"Nyoungaah, go away." Jaebeom whined in a tired voice. 

"No." said Jinyoung simply, pushing past him and barging into his studio, guitar case in hand for the tenth day straight. 

"Aish, this kid... got get a real teacher. I'll only end up messing your technique." Jaebeom whined. 

"What technique? I'm a natural. I have no technique."

"Jinyoung."

"Hyungie."

"Don't Hyungie me! I know why you keep coming back here." said Jaebeom finally slamming the door behind him.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Jaebeom turned around with his arms crossed, a glare directed at the top of Jinyoung's head who was already busy unpacking the food he'd brought with him. 

The smell of his favorite food was too enticing, Jinyoung knew his weaknesses too well, but he held himself back and stood his ground this time. Barely. 

"Get out."

"No." said Jinyoung, still busy, his red ears taunting Jaebeom to start the argument they had every other week. 

Every evening, without fail, Jinyoung showed up at Jaebeom's studio with food, drink and his acoustic guitar after work and forced him to teach him how to play, before that he would just bring dozens of books over and drop down on the couch to read. Jaebeom would have turned him away, if not for the fact that Jinyoung kept ditching his own car in favor of a cab so Jaebeom had no choice but to let him stay or force him to call another cab. The latter of which he could never bring himself to do. He was really regretting letting Jinyoung in on his secret. 

"I don't need another keeper Nyoung. And I'm still not sending my demos out, so quit it." 

"You won't even let me listen to them."

"No." 

"You used to, before!" Jinyoung complained, unleashing the full power of his natural pouting abilities. 

"Those were for you. These are for me. So, no."

"You're mean." 

"And you're a nuisance." said Jaebeom, holding up a hand dismissively. 

"Okay, grandpa." 

"I hate you so much." Jaebeom sighed in defeat. Again. 

He made his way over and dropped down to where Jinyoung was sitting cross legged on the floor next to the console, already digging into some oxblood soup and banchan with his sleeves rolled, tie loosened and legs crossed, looking for all the world as as if it was his apartment and not Jaebeom's precious studio. 

"I know, I love you too." Jinyoung replied simply. 

Jaebeom glared at him. 

"What? We decided to be friends, not lie about our feelings." said Jinyoung, his mouth full, brandishing his chopsticks at Jaebeom with beady eyes full of defiance.

Oh how the tables had turned. Jinyoung had never been a confrontational person. It had always been Jaebeom who would use his advantage at words to nail Jinyoung's weak points. But now, he was more or less at Jinyoung's mercy. This Jinyoung had teeth, he argued, he fought back and man could he make points. Jaebeom could hardly keep up. 

But at the same time, he couldn't decide who he loved more, the old Jinyoung that was a challenge that made him feel a sense of achievement whenever he broke through one of his rock hard defenses or this Jinyoung, who dominated every argument with wit and a sense of humor that was unmatchable. Even Jackson and Yugyeom complained whenever they hung out at his apartment lately, that Jinyoung talked too much. Mark and Bambam couldn't have been more proud, taking his side everytime as if they'd trained him themselves. 

And perhaps that was one of the reasons why Jaebeom secretly enjoyed being with this Jinyoung more. This Jinyoung was relaxed, not a care in the world, sitting on his floor slurping noodles like he had no responsibilities and no worries weighing on his mind, like spending time with Jaebeom was actually something to cherish and not a burden. 

But if they were going to try this friendship thing, Jaebeom needed some alone time too, a bit of distance, because no matter how much they'd changed and grown, one thing had remained constant - Park Jinyoung affected him. Especially after almost two years of seperation, every little proximity with him ignited the sparks of the old fire within Jaebeom, even more potent than ever before. 

One of these days, he was afraid, Jinyoung was going to show up at his door with that tired yet mischievous glint in his eyes after work and Jaebeom was going to jump him and throw him on his tiny couch, he was certain of it. And this whole friendship farce would go out of the window. 

It didn't help that he caught Jinyoung giving him moon eyes whenever he took the guitar in his hand to tune or corrected Jinyoung's grip. He was almost convinced that Jinyoung enjoyed it, getting his chords wrong on purpose so Jaebeom would put his arms around him and then he could leave Jaebeom half aroused with a perky good night sharp at midnight when his driver came back to pick him up. 

Jinyoung had been watching too many dramas, Jaebeom was sure of it. 

*

"My mom's coming back." said Jaebeom one night. 

Jinyoung sat up immediately. He'd been lying curled up on the tiny studio couch, reading one of the books he'd forced Jaebeom to dig out from the carton in his closet. Nora, who'd been playing with his free hand dangling on the floor let out a discontented mewl at the loss of her toy and jumped up on his shoulder instead. 

"Is she okay?" 

"No better than before. It's not going as well as we'd hoped."

They both sat quietly for a while, digesting the implications of Jaebeom's words. 

"I'm going to bring her to live with me. She shouldn't be in a hospital bed if...when...you know..." said Jaebeom, trying hard to look unaffected.

"And your dad?" Jinyoung asked uncertainly. 

Jaebeom's father was still a sore subject that they avoided like the plague. He'd strangely decided to respect Jaebeom's decision after the first few times Jaebeom had slammed the door shut in his face and left him alone at work, only ever contacting him through their assistants. Jaebeom cried everytime it happened but he was determined to go through with it. 

There was nothing left to save between them Jaebeom thought. He was only working there for his mother and what she'd built through her hard work and dedication. Her parents' money had saved his father's family business from going bankrupt, but she'd given as much of herself to it in the following years as him. The company wasn't just his, it was also his mother's legacy. 

"He's responsible for it. He can stay away. I don't give a shit."

"Hyung...I know you don't want to hear this, and it's not my place but I think you should consider..."

"No."

And just like always, Jinyoung was silenced from saying anything further on the subject. It was the one thing Jaebeom refused to relax his stance on and Jinyoung had no words sufficient enough to convince him otherwise. 

A couple of days later, Jinyoung walked up to Jaebeom's spare room with heavy steps. He turned back one last time and Jaebeom gave him a reassuring nod, his hand rubbing Jinyoung's back soothingly. 

"Go on. She's waiting."

Jinyoung took a deep breath, knocked and entered. 

Jaebeom's mother was unrecognizable. Jinyoung tried to keep his eyes fixed on hers as she lay buried under blankets and connected to machines. 

"Jinyoungie..." she whispered with a smile. 

For some reason, Jinyoung had been convinced she wouldn't recognize him. It had been so long since they'd last met. He sat down on the chair next to her bed and took her wasted hand. 

"You're...still...so...handsome." she said, squeezing his thumb weakly as her eyes filled with tears. "I'm...so...sorry."

"Eommonim, try to relax please." said Jinyoung quickly. 

"Take...care...of...my...Jaebeom...will...you..." she continued. "...a favor...so...grateful" and she drifted off, but not before she heard Jinyoung's reply. 

"I will. Always."

The next few weeks found Jinyoung and Jaebeom sitting next to her every evening after work instead of going to the studio, while the nurses and helpers moved in and out of the room whenever needed. Sometimes they read to her, sometimes they laughed over old memories, sometimes they got into petty arguments that brought out weak laughter from her fragile body. 

One evening saw Mark, Bambam, Yugyeom and Jackson all deciding to pay her a visit at the same time which ended up in chaos when she asked them to go through the old photo albums she had her assistant bring to her from their family home. 

"Look at your hair here, blonde Jaebeommie, so cute." Mark chuckled. 

"Oh yeah? Look at those dhoti pants Jinyoung wore with the American flag between his legs, real cool hunh?"

"Shut up. Bambam thought they'd stand out at the dance competition alright, I had no say in it!" said Jinyoung, punching Jaebeom hard on the arm as Bambam glared at them. 

"Oww! You know you're stronger than me right? And keep telling yourself that, I know you loved those pants!" 

"Oh look!" Jackson exclaimed as Jinyoung snarled, "The Bulbasor snapback you gifted me for my birthday, I wore that cap everywhere for a year until Jaebeom Hyung won it in in a game of RPS and then never gave it back." 

"Bulbasor was my Pokémon, yours was squirtle. Don't be petty. I still have it around somewhere I'm sure!"

"It wasn't because of the Pokémon, it was because you had a crush on Jinyoung Hyung." Bambam said sweetly, jumping at the chance for revenge. 

"Bambam I swear to God..."

"Look at Bambam, can you believe he used to be that small, Hyung?" Jinyoung interrupted quickly before things got dangerous. When Jaebeom and Bambam argued, a fight was sure to ensue. 

"Just like the little snake he is." said Jaebeom with a fake smile, to which Bambam retaliated by sticking out his tongue and hissing. 

"God, I remember how he'd remain stuck by Jinyoung Hyung's side like chewing gum. What a loser..." said Yugyeom. 

"Kim Yugyeom, you of all people should know when to hold your tongue or else..." Bambam shot back. 

"Ahem...ah...oh look at Mark Hyung, remember when he flipped his way into the cafeteria on a bet and ended up in detention for a month?" Yugyeom continued looking flustered. 

"If only that teacher, Mr. Park, hadn't tried to stop him in the middle. What a git, Mark could have been seriously hurt. Glad he got food all over his head though, served him right!" said Bambam indignantly. 

"Please, don't talk to me about that old frog! He told me and Gyeom that our dance routine for the competition was rubbish when it actually ended up winning first prize." said Jaebeom dismissively. 

"Is that all or do you also hate him because he caught you Bboying naked in the boys locker room for a bet and dragged you out by the ear with a towel barely concealing your dignity?" Jinyoung asked with a smirk. 

"He gave me time to put on my clothes alright! And who told you that?! We hadn't even met then! God, can you ever keep a secret Mark?!" 

"Everyone in school knew dumbass! People talked about it for ages!" Mark shot back. 

"I still have photos of him on his head with his naked butt in the air, in case I need to blackmail him, come look!" said Bambam, beckoning to Jinyoung. 

"Absolutely not!" Jaebeom exclaimed lunging at Bambam's phone. 

And the next half hour was spent just like that, with all of them ganging up to tease Jaebeom while his mother looked on with a fond smile. 

Sometimes, and it happened more frequently after a couple of weeks, they sat alone in the living room curled up against each other while Jaebeom's mother slept fitfully under heavy medication. She was losing strength fast and all Jinyoung could do was hold Jaebeom to his chest and caress his head until they both fell sleep. 

One evening, Jinyoung opened Jaebeom's front door to find Lim Sanghyun standing on the threshold looking frantic like a mad man. Jaebeom stood behind him, having been forced to go fetch him after his mother had cried out his name incessantly in her sleep for the past couple of hours. Jinyoung stepped aside and followed them both to her room, hesitating outside incase he needed to get Jaebeom out. He had no idea how he'd managed to drive all the way back in the same car as his father without snapping. 

"Areum..." Sanghyun whispered looking at his wife. 

"Areum, honey, please look at me."

"Sang...hyun."

"Aboji...let her rest." Jaebeom said sternly. 

"Aerum please, I'm sorry! Please forgive me! I've realized my mistakes, I'll do anything, anything!" 

Jaebeom's mother turned around to look at him and then at Jinyoung. 

"Jinyoungie..." Jaebeom said, holding out his hand, anticipating something Jinyoung hadn't figured out yet. He moved automatically towards Jaebeom but, 

"Jinyoung..." said Lim Sanghyun slowly. 

Jinyoung stopped in his tracks, still looking at Jaebeom who stood glaring at his father. 

"Can-can you forgive me?"

Jinyoung hesitated, looking at Jaebeom for any sign of support. When none seemed forthcoming, as Jaebeom continued to glare at his father with his jaw clenched, he made his decision and walked past Jaebeom into the room despite the anger building up on Jaebeom's face. He was sure the only reason he hadn't snapped yet was because of his mother. 

But Lim Sanghyun now stood before him with his shoulders bowed, asking for his forgiveness, no more the erect, formidable wall he'd always seemed to Jinyoung but an old, defeated man, and Jinyoung realized he'd forgiven him long before any apology had been presented. There was just no space for negativity in his heart. He had never allowed Lim Sanghyun to affect his mind before and he never would. 

"I-" 

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to Jinyoung." Jaebeom interrupted from behind. 

Jaebeom's father looked at him before turning back to Jinyoung. 

"He's right, I have no right to ask anything of you, but if you can find it in your heart to forgive me...both of you." he said looking at Jaebeom again. 

"Will...you...for...give...him?"

Jaebeom's mother was looking at him, Lim Sanghyun was looking at him and he could feel Jaebeom's eyes burning a hole in his back. He could understand why Jaebeom was hurt, he'd been hurt himself, and he had no way of knowing if Lim Sanghyun was really sorry or if he was just doing it to appease his wife and get back into his son's good graces. But there was no way in hell he could deny the wishes of a dying woman. 

"Yes." 

He ignored Jaebeom's frustrated groan from behind him and took Lim Sanghyun's hand. Before he knew it, Jaebeom had disappeared from the room and Lim Sanghyun was sobbing on his shoulder. 

"I've been blind. I'm so sorry. Won't he forgive an old man's mistake, won't he forgive his own father..." he cried. 

Jinyoung was extremely uncomfortable, but the grateful look that Jaebeom's mother was giving him was incentive enough for him to continue patting Jaebeom's father on the back and deposit him safely on the chair beside her bed. 

Convincing Jaebeom to go shake his father's hand was another difficult task, as he refused to even be in the same room as him, besides being mad at Jinyoung for giving in to what he called "emotional blackmail".

"Hyung! Don't you see this is what your mother wants. Do it for her!" 

"No!" said Jaebeom, but Jinyoung could hear the quiver in his voice. 

It was slow work, but finally Jaebeom relented, after much coaxing and on the condition that it was to happen only once, he went back into the room and allowed his father to engulf him into a hug. Jinyoung had never seen a more radiant smile than the one on Jaebeom's mother that night. 

"You're...all...he..re..." she said, one hand holding Jaebeom, the other held out to Jinyoung while her husband caressed her head and pressed gentle kisses on it. 

Two days later, she passed away in her sleep. 

*

Jinyoung ran his fingers gently down Jaebeom's arm, trying not to wake him up. They'd stayed up late into the night, having come to the studio directly after the funeral. Not a word had been spoken between them, not even a gesture. Jinyoung had simply followed Jaebeom into his car and Jaebeom had driven them both directly to the studio before taking off both their black coats, pushing Jinyoung gently down on the tiny couch and climbing on top to lay his head on his chest. 

There he had finally fallen into a slumber, Jinyoung holding him between his legs with an arm wound securely around his shoulders while playing with his fingers softly with the other hand, his heart beating steadily and reassuringly next to Jaebeom's ear. It would have been uncomfortable if they didn't have years of experience to know exactly how they fit together, if it didn't feel exactly like home. Besides, in that moment, Jinyoung was beyond caring. He had never seen Jaebeom cry like that before, heartwrenching, filled with pain like an animal in its death throes. He'd been inconsolable, rejecting everyone's touches but Jinyoung's. 

A knock on the studio door startled Jaebeom awake and it was all Jinyoung could do to grab on to him tightly so he wouldn't fall off. 

"What the..."

"Hyung, it's me." came Bambam's muffled voice.

"How the hell does he know this adress? Did you call him?" Jaebeom asked Jinyoung, his eyes wide. 

"No, ofcourse not!" 

"Then, how-"

"Hyung, open up!" Bambam was practically banging on the door now. "I've been trying to call y-" 

The rest of his sentence got cut off, as Jaebeom opened the door and his eyes fell upon Jinyoung still on the couch behind him trying to straighten his hair and clothes as discreetly and casually as possible. 

"Umm...sorry...I-I thought you were alone." he said, flustered as Jaebeom gestured for him to come in. 

He settled down on the couch next to Jinyoung and they both eyed each other nervously. It was clear that he was burning to ask all the obvious questions but was restraining his usual unabashed curiosity in light of propriety. Jinyoung loved Bambam for that. He didn't think he was ready to answer any questions about him and Jaebeom, questions he hadn't even dared to ask himself yet. He just wanted to be with Jaebeom, be there for him. That was all he cared about at the moment. 

Bambam cleared his throat and turned to Jaebeom, who stood leaning against the console playing with his Bart Simpson paperweight absently, oblivious to anything else around him. 

"Hyung, is it...okay if I wanted to talk to you now?" 

"How did you find out about this place?"

"Youngjae Hyung...I was worried about you when you didn't show up at your apartment so I called him."

"Oh yeah...Youngjae would know, he helped me find it. How did he know I'd be here though? I never used it before." Jaebeom frowned. 

"Must have taken a guess. He knows you well." Bambam suggested with a small smile. 

Jinyoung bristled slightly at that but remained quiet. It was true after all. Youngjae knew Jaebeom as well as any of them, despite having spent the least time with him. 

Jaebeom sighed. 

"Why are you here Bammah?"

"I wanted to talk."

"Sure." said Jaebeom with another sigh. "Go ahead."

Bambam turned to Jinyoung who thought he had an inkling of why Bambam had come looking for Jaebeom right after his mother's funeral. He nodded at Bambam encouragingly and Bambam took a deep, grateful breath. 

"...I just wanted to make sure you're okay. You know I...you know I get it, right?" he said, stuttering nervously. 

It seemed to take a while for Jaebeom to understand what Bambam was trying to say as he turned his sharp eyes on him and Bambam quailed under the intense scrutiny. 

"Oh..." said Jaebeom finally, realization dawning on him quickly. "Bammah, I'm so sorry...I-"

"No, no, its okay Hyung, I understand!" Bambam said quickly, getting up and taking Jaebeom's hand in his. "It was a long time ago and I don't really talk about it. I just wanted you to know that...if you want someone to talk to, someone who understands...what it's like, I'm here okay."

Jinyoung and Jaebeom both looked at the motherless Bambam, who had fought and teased and joked around with them throughout their childhood and well into adulthood, but had also grown into the most caring, mature and wise young man, taking care of the people he loved as well as any experienced adult. 

"Umm...so...uhh...that's what I came for. But, umm, now that, uhh, Jinyoungie Hyung's here, I-I think I better get going."

"Bammah...thank you." said Jaebeom placing a hand at the back of Bambam's neck and giving it a gentle squeeze. 

Bambam patted Jaebeom's arm shyly, cleared his throat and bid goodbye, giving Jinyoung a look that made him follow Bambam out of the studio while Jaebeom lay back down on the couch with an arm across his face. They walked down the narrow alley in silence but as soon as they reached the car, Bambam turned around and pulled Jinyoung into a hug. 

"I'm glad he has you."

Jinyoung, surprised, placed his arms around Bambam's waist and hugged him back gently. 

"I'm glad he has _you_. All of you" he said. 

"No Hyung." said Bambam pulling away and giving him a strange look. "You don't understand. We may know what he needs but we need you to do it for us. It has to be you."

"Bam...I think you have it wrong. Jaebeom Hyung and I, we're not...we're just friends."

"It doesn't matter. We're all close to him but there's still a difference between you and us. There's a line in his heart that no one's allowed to cross, not even Youngjae Hyung. It's reserved only for you."

He squeezed Jinyoung's arms firmly to make sure he understood. 

"He's been waiting for you, for so long. Holding himself back. Don't you see?" 

"You don't know that-" 

"But I do. We all do. You're the one who refuses to see it, even now. You might think you can sneak around and deny it, but do you really think we wouldn't keep an eye on you both after what happened last time?"

"I should have known. What happened to privacy?"

"Can you really blame us though?"

No. Jinyoung couldn't. 

"We're trying to do it the right way this time."

"And you have. For over a year, you have been doing it. To the point that you're now punishing yourself for everything that happened between you, both of you. You need to cut yourself some slack."

"What do you want us to do then?" 

"Cliché as it sounds, I want you to listen to your heart, like you've been doing for the past few months. After what happened with Youngjae Hyung, his dad, and now losing his mom, he's still standing and functioning, unlike when you guys broke up. Don't you see what's different this time?"

"What if he wants to get back with Youngjae though, what then?" 

"He doesn't. It's so obvious he never stopped pining for you. Even you're not that blind."

"And what about Youngjae?"

"He doesn't either." said Bambam confidently. Too confidently. 

"How do you know?" 

"I just know."

"How?"

"Just trust me on this, alright. Have I ever given you wrong advice?"

"No...but what if it doesn't work? What if it all goes wrong again? What if...what if he decides to leave me again?" 

"Think back to all that time since your breakup, the things you went through, the things you now know he went through and how far you both have come. Then answer the question yourself. What do you think?" 

It took a long moment for Jinyoung to finally come up with an answer he could actually believe to be true. 

"No."

"No?"

"No, he won't leave me. And even if he does..." said Jinyoung, his eyes glistening with tears. "I'll stop him. If I can't stop him in time, I'll bring him back. If he says he doesn't want to come back, I'll make sure he knows I'm waiting for him."

"He knows that too now. And that's how I know it'll never happen again, see?" 

"We should really start calling you Hyung." said Jinyoung, ruffling Bambam's hair with a grateful smile. 

"I know right, you can start now and the others will foll-" 

"Yeah, no." said Jinyoung, patting Bambam on the back and opening the car door to assure him in. 

"Come on! Just once..."

"No!"

He kept waving until the tail lights of Bambam's car disappeared around the corner. And then he turned his steps back to Jaebeom.

*

Jinyoung watched Jaebeom closely for the next few weeks, refusing to let him be alone for long. Every evening was either spent at Jinyoung's family home for dinner, at Kang Hyung's home with him and Mrs. Kim, or at Jaebeom's apartment with one or all of their friends. 

Jinyoung didn't go back to the studio, knowing that it would be just the two of them there and then he wouldn't have any excuse to put off talking to Jaebeom about getting back together. He still didn't know what he was going to say, how he was going to start and whether Jaebeom would really want it in his current state?

Jaebeom didn't seem suspicious or curious about why his evenings were being planned out for him everyday. He just went along quietly and interacted as much as he could while the pain of losing his mother still remained unabated in his eyes. They all saw it. Jinyoung could see it too, but he didn't know what to do other than wait for time to heal. 

Avoiding Bambam's continuous hints and nudges through texts and phone calls was another difficult task. 

"What the hell's taking you so long Hyung?" he almost shouted over the phone one day, interrupting Jinyoung in the middle of a hectic day at the office. 

"It's not that easy alright!" 

"Ofcourse it is! It's Jaebeom Hyung! He's probably planned out your honeymoon already, just waiting for you to ask!" 

"Then why shouldn't I wait for him to say it first, when he's ready?" 

"Hasn't it always been him? The one time it's finally your turn, you wanna chicken out?" 

"I don't know how to do it alright, I've never done it before!" 

"Well lucky for you, I'm the brain between the two of us so I have an idea."

"What idea?" Jinyoung asked, suddenly nervous. 

Knowing Bambam, it was sure to involve something extremely grand and completely impossible for him. 

"Yugyeom gave it to me last night when we were both gossiping behind your back as per usual, but let's face it, I would have come up with it on my own..."

"Bambam Kunpimook Bhu..."

"...anyway, as I was saying, take him on another trip. Just the two of you this time. He could use the change."

"Take him where?" 

"I don't know, where would he wanna go?" 

"The cabin?" 

"Nah, too soon. Somewhere else, anywhere else."

Jinyoung had to think hard for a while before the answer hit him. 

"Japan! He always talked about taking me to Japan. I just never had enough time..."

"Enough with the guilt trip Hyung. Japan it is. I'll arrange everything. Just take him there, spend time with him, make him feel special, play Bingo or do whatever it is you oldies do and when the time's right, go for it."

"Okay...that actually sounds pretty good."

"Always with the tone of surprise. Don't forget your ring."

"Ring?" 

"Your ring, how else are you gonna propose?" 

"Propose? Wait a minute! What do you mean propose, isn't that a bit fast?" 

"Really Hyung? You've been together for almost four years now, not counting the year you two spent being idiots. _And_ you've been friends for longer than that. What more evidence do you need to know that this is permanent? Even snails move faster than your brain."

"Okay, okay, I'll take the ring..." said Jinyoung rolling his eyes. 

"What about his though?" 

"Not a problem, it's always hanging around his neck." 

"See?! I told y.."

"Shut up."

They went over a few other details before Bambam told him to stop wasting his time and start packing while he took care of the rest. Jinyoung cut the call finally and sighed, Bambam's excitement reflected in his own smile. 

His heart had never felt this light before. 


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaebeom and Jinyoung meet a stranger in Japan and it stirs up a plethora of old issues for them that they must resolve, before they can truly find their way back to each other.

* * *

Jaebeom agreed on the trip to Japan with as much enthusiasm as he agreed to their daily evening engagements with their friends, listless and pliant, he didn't seem to read too much into it. 

While that helped Jinyoung be less nervous about the whole surprise proposal thing, it also hurt a little, that Jaebeom wasn't looking forward to it as much as he was. 

No matter how many times he reminded himself that Jaebeom's mother had passed away just a few months ago and that he didn't know what Jinyoung had planned, he was still worried. Was it really the right way, and was he really the right person to help Jaebeom deal with his mysery? No matter what their friends said, history was not on Jinyoung's side. What if he ended up making things worse? 

"Jinyoungah?" came Jaebeom's concerned voice on the phone. "You still there?" 

"Yeah, yeah I'm here. I was just, umm, thinking about the date."

"Choose whatever day you want, I can adjust. Being interim CEO isn't all that it's made out to be. I got time."

"I still don't get why you won't just take the job. It's your parent's company, it's your company, why do you want to give it to someone else to run?" 

"I don't know Jinyoungie. Aboji wants me to replace him but...I don't think I have what it takes. It's like I'm being pulled on both sides again." 

Jinyoung hummed in agreement. He knew the moral crisis Jaebeom must have gone through before joining the business world. 

"I want to make music but I can't find the will to send my demos out. I don't want to work at the company but now that eomma's gone..." Jaebeom's throat clicked audibly at that. "...and Aboji's retiring early, I have no choice. I can't let her hard work go to waste. Least I can do is make sure there's a trusted person to replace me."

"Hyung, just get someone to manage the home branch, someone you can trust, but stay on as CEO. You're better at this than you think, Youngjae told me. You can still make music while building your team at the office. And when you're ready, you can hand it over and go back to making music full time."

"I don't know Jinyoungie, who do I trust though? All my business contacts are through Aboji, his team is very loyal to the family but they know I resent him. Once he's gone...I just, I just don't know what to do. The current President of the Seoul branch is retiring too. It's our home branch! I have to make a decision soon. It's all a mess."

"Hyung. Talk to Jackson, or Mark Hyung. I'm sure you can come up with something between you."

"You were the best in class though."

"Yeah, but I don't run my own company. I don't have enough experience with that."

"But you're doing such a great job where you work. I've read articles about you in the same magazines as Jackson. Pretty sure, you're doing something right."

"Dunno Hyung. It's easy to lead strangers, people I don't know personally. But it's you, and it's a huge decision, I don't want to give the wrong advice."

"Jinyoungie..."

"Hmm?"

"Would you do it if I asked you to?" 

"Do what?" 

"If I hire you as President for the home branch...?" Jaebeom said sheepishly. 

"What?" Jinyoung exclaimed, laughing out loud. 

"I'm serious Jinyoungah. There's no one I trust more. And if it's you I can still stay on as CEO without worrying about it." 

"Hyung, no." 

"Come on. Atleast consider it."

"Jaebeommah, no! The responsibility is too big and I have zero experience with managing such a big corporation, it's the head branch for God's sake! Absolutely not!"

"You won't be alone. There will be people to help you. I've been doing it for over a year, haven't I? And I'm not even suited to the job. You moved up so fast in that company you work for, you basically run it, come on!" 

"Hyung, this is- it's not - it's not right. It sounds unethical. You hiring a friend-" 

"A friend who deserves the position. You have so many fresh ideas, I've read some of your published papers, they've used some of them as reference to train new recruits in our company, you're already a star here. I'm not just saying it."

"I don't know Hyung, I don't know anyone there, they won't trust just anyone to lead them."

"But they know your work. I'll get you the team you need, anyone you want. Just say yes."

"I can't say yes right now!"

"Okay, okay, I got carried away, I'm sorry..." said Jaebeom with a chuckle. "But - atleast consider it. For me. Please?" 

Jinyoung bit his lip. 

"Okay." 

"Okay?" 

"Okay I'll consider it. But that depends on your behaviour on the trip. Also, I'm not saying yes to anything."

"Oh, yeah, that trip...um, sure. Send me the details. I'll start packing." 

"Hyung...you sure you want to come?" 

"Yeah, ofcourse. Why?"

"Nothing."

Jinyoung decided not to be petty by forcing Jaebeom to give him the response he wanted. He'd just have to make sure the trip would do it for him. 

They flew off to Japan the very next week, thanks to Bambam's persistence and the overriding of any and all objections Jinyoung and Jaebeom night have made by the timely return of Jackson from his business trip. Mark and Bambam took the responsibility of getting Jinyoung ready on time while Jackson and Yugyeom assured Jaebeom that Nora would be well taken care of. 

The flight was uneventful, yet Jinyoung couldn't rest due to the tingling of anticipation going through his body. The cab ride to their hotel was nothing short of magical. Long winding roads cutting through green moors populated by a bamboo forest on one side and lush green mountains on the other, it was all a thrilling balance between spooky and ethereal at the same time. 

Jinyoung watched Jaebeom looking out through the car window like a child in fairyland, his mouth slightly open and his eyes glassy in wonder. 

"This is unbelievable." he whispered, just low enough to be talking to himself. 

But Jinyoung heard him and his heart leapt, especially as Jaebeom's initial reaction to the trip had been less than enthusiastic, for whatever reason. So far so good. He was ready to call Bambam "Hyung" for a year if the rest of the trip went the same way. He settled back in his seat and closed his eyes. 

"Jinyoungie...wake up. We're here."

Jinyoung opened his eyes and for a moment remained disoriented, wondering if he'd magically been transported into wonderland himself. Jinyoung had never been dramatic, but he refused to believe such a place ever existed, as his eyes swept over the most beautiful and unreal fairytale cottage he had ever set them on, smack in the middle of the quickly darkening woods. 

"I know right..." Jaebeom said, his voice hushed. 

Jinyoung turned to see the same glazed look in his eyes that was surely reflecting in his own. Their cab driver seemed pleased as he went on a rant in Japanese about the conception of the place and how it was very near to the tourist village just a few miles down the road, but not too near, so as to maintain some semblance of privacy. He gave them a map for the forest trails that were specially maintained for tourists like them and marked a few water holes where they could spend time fishing or taking baths. 

Jinyoung shouldered his backpack and dragged his suitcase up the stone paved path that led through the tiny front gate all the way up to the entrance steps. The cottage itself was surrounded by wooden railing and boasted of a wide patio that ran all the way around the outside circumference, where they could sit on little wooden chairs around a coffee table and have their breakfast. He heard Jaebeom take a few snaps behind him. He hurried over to look at the pictures and saw his own back silhouetted against the soft light that lit up the cottage. He looked up at Jaebeom with bright eyes and a huge smile on his face. 

"See? I knew you'd love this place. You always take the most beautiful pictures." said Jinyoung taking in the self satisfied flush on Jaebeom's face.

"The view's beautiful...I don't have to do much." said Jaebeom with a teasing smile. 

"Come on..." said Jinyoung, brushing off the giddy feeling in his stomach and turning around to walk back to the cottage and hide his blush. He was sure he'd heard it in a cheesy drama somewhere. 

A middle aged man with a kind face stood waiting for them up the tiny steps that led to a gap in the railing and acted as the main entrance. Jinyoung assumed he was the manager. 

"Kon'nichiwa." he said, bowing a little. The man smiled brightly and hurried down the steps to meet them. 

"I hope your ride here was comfortable. Yui is my most trusted man." he said in perfect Korean. 

Jinyoung was pleasantly surprised. He knew Japanese well, he had to because of his work relations, but there was still something heartening about hearing Korean in a foreign country. 

"Thank you. It was very comfortable. My friend and I..." he said turning around to glance at Jaebeom, who had just caught up behind him with his own luggage. "...we'll be resting tonight, so we won't need Yui for a while. If that's alright."

"Ofcourse. You must be tired. I have your rooms ready, 301 and 303. I'm sorry, due to your reservation being almost last minute, I couldn't get you the adjacent rooms your friend insisted upon so much..." he said with a meaningful look, and Jinyoung wondered exactly how much Bambam had stressed on the fact that they would be needing adjacent rooms. "But I assure you, the two rooms are within a stone's throw distance and both have intercoms incase you need to make, uh, emergency calls."

"Thank you." said Jinyoung, glancing at Jaebeom again who seemed to not have noticed anything odd about the conversation. 

He seemed too preoccupied with turning his head around at every possible angle to take in as much of the quickly darkening scenery as he could. It was going to be night soon and the fairy lights surrounding the fence of the cottage were already turned on, as if the place needed anything more to look magical. 

Jinyoung was glad that the manager didn't seem too bothered either, except for the slight tone of regret. And perhaps it was just his own brain overthinking things as usual, out of nervousness for what he was planning to do. 

When the manager left them with their keys in hand, Jinyoung and Jaebeom had a small argument right at the entrance over who got 303, the single room at the furthest end of the cottage with the most unhindered view of the forest. The argument was ended by Jinyoung winning at an emergency game of rock, paper, scissors and Jaebeom dragging away his luggage to the door marked 301 that stood right next to 302, grumbling under his breath all the way. 

Jinyoung chuckled fondly as he carried his own luggage along the patio towards the back of the cottage. The room was a complete contrast to the outside world. It was well furnished and equipped with all the modern facilities they would be needing including a home theater, charging points, free wifi and a small refrigerator stocked with beer. 

Each room had its own spacious bathroom and Jinyoung let out a sigh of relief to see that he wouldn't have to take a shower outside under a natural waterfall. Knowing Bambam, it would have been his idea of the perfect holiday experience and the perfect prank. 

He lay down on the bed for a while texting their friends and thanking Bambam especially before deciding to take a stroll outside to check out Jaebeom's room. 

He was still busy reading Bambam's foot long paragraph along the way, about the pros and cons of going down on one knee on a boat in the middle of a lake that Jinyoung had decided to hire for that very purpose, when he heard laughter, specifically Jaebeom's laughter, ringing through the night. 

His footsteps quickened automatically and his heart raced for some unknown reason. When he finally turned the corner towards Jaebeom's room, he saw him with a huge smile on his face talking to a hulk of a man with a powerful arm held above his head gripping the open door of room 302 casually, while the other remained in his pocket. 

"Jinyoungah!" Jaebeom called out to him suddenly. "Come here."

Jinyoung walked slowly towards them as the stranger turned around to look at him. 

He was handsome, there was no denying it. A round, innocent face with a warm, dimpled smile contrasted surprisingly well with powerful arms and the toned abs of a body builder. What was even more striking was the small scar that cut through one eyebrow, giving him an attractively dangerous aura. 

It was hatred at first sight. 

"Jinyoungah. This is Jooheon, my next door neighbor."

"Hi." said Jooheon cheerfully. "You're the friend?" 

"Yeah." said Jinyoung shortly. "The _best_ friend."

"Oh good, that sour look on your face and the way he kept going on about you...thought you were his boyfriend or something."

Jinyoung sputtered incredulously at the directness of the stranger while Jaebeom responded with a good natured chuckle. 

"Well you thought wrong." Jinyoung snapped, finding his voice again and then immediately regretting it at the look of surprised confusion on Jaebeom's face. 

What was wrong with him? He had never been this rude to someone before, least of all a stranger he'd just met. He'd always known that Jaebeom was a very friendly and outgoing person, putting people under his spell almost immediately. Jinyoung was used to it. This Jooheon guy was no different, he was just being friendly. 

But the whole proposal thing had Jinyoung more antsy than he had ever been before. The more delays that came his way, the more he saw them as obstacles rather than mere distractions. Yet he also knew that he was being unreasonable, Jaebeom wasn't going to reject him and elope with a complete stranger after all, no matter how handsome, right?

But Jaebeom was an out and out romantic, and all the cringy dramas Jinyoung had been watching for reference lately didn't really help with his confidence, what if...

No, ofcourse not! 

Jinyoung needed to control his thoughts if he didn't want to ruin their trip. It was hard, what with the universe hell bent on getting back at him for making Jaebeom suffer probably the exact same uncertainties for years. How the hell did Jaebeom deal with all these emotions?

"Too hot for you to handle hunh?" said Jooheon running a very lewd eye up and down Jaebeom's body.

Okay now he was just pushing it. 

Jinyoung glared at Jooheon while Jaebeom let out a hearty laugh and punched him in the arm. Jooheon's flirtatious stance broke immediately and he laughed along, pretending to duck. 

Jinyoung tried to find his control again. It was probably just how this Jooheon guy made friends. Nothing to worry about. 

"What a lucky coincidence to find another Korean here." Jinyoung said, smiling through clenched teeth. 

"Not really." said Jooheon, unaffected. "This spot is actually pretty popular with Korean tourists. Lots of locals here know Korean. I come here every year." 

"It's a bit spooky to stay here all alone, isn't it?" Jaebeom asked. 

"Yeah, but I always leave with company." said Jooheon winking at Jaebeom, who simply laughed again, refusing to flirt back. 

Jinyoung seethed nevertheless.

"Hyung, let's go down to the village and grab some dinner." he said, forcing another smile. 

"Hey, good idea! I can show you around. The markets are open until late at night." said Jooheon with enthusiasm. 

"That would be great, wouldn't it Jinyoungie? We wouldn't need GPS and we could even get back early, probably watch a movie!" said Jaebeom excitedly. 

"There's a small Bunraku in the village where they hold traditional Japanese puppet shows every evening. We could catch a late show. It's really beautiful." said Jooheon. 

And off they went, Jooheon and Jaebeom, in a long discussion about art and culture while Jinyoung tried not to yawn. He'd always looked upto Jaebeom and listened to him talk about his art modules with as much interest as he could muster for hours on end. But Jaebeom seemed to have found another kindred spirit in Jooheon, who had apparently taken almost the same courses in college as Jaebeom and was an encyclopedia of knowledge about traditional and modern art forms. 

Jinyoung's hatred for him only deepened. 

He really enjoyed himself though, despite everything- the hike to the village through the woods, well lighted by electric lamps shaped like mini spheres filled with moonlight, surrounded by fireflies and the sound of crickets; the many trinkets they bought for each other and their friends back home while Jooheon helped them with the bargains; the small litter of teenagers dressed in traditional Japanese robes who yelled at them in broken Korean to come try their sake and sweets; the brightly colored Kimono hanging infront of a small showroom that Jaebeom kept staring at longingly, until Jooheon offered to buy it for him which in turn alerted Jinyoung from where he'd been already looking at the price tags and he quickly decided to step in. 

"For your birthday." said Jinyoung, pressing the package firmly in Jaebeom's hands when he tried to protest against the expensive gift. 

"But my birthday's n-" 

"It doesn't matter." said Jinyoung, grabbing his arm and dragging him back the way they'd come, Jooheon follwing them with a huge smirk on his face. 

When they finally made their way back to the cottage, tired yet satisfied, it seemed to take Jooheon atleast fifteen minutes of a long monologue outside Jaebeom's door about the list of activities they could be indulging in the next day to finally realize that neither Jinyoung nor Jaebeom were really listening. They'd been staring silently at each other for what felt like an eternity, neither of them willing to make the first move to go back to their seperate rooms or care about the fact that Jooheon had stopped speaking. 

"So, umm, goodnight." said Jooheon, clearing his throat with another knowing smirk and quickly disappearing into his room after a hurried response from Jaebeom. 

But the spell was already broken. 

"So, uhh, about that movie..." said Jinyoung, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. 

For a second, Jaebeom looked like he was on the verge of inviting him in but then, he seemed to change his mind. 

"We should sleep Nyoungie, it's too late. You look like you could faint any moment."

Jinyoung tried to insist but Jaebeom wouldn't hear a word, walking him to his door and making sure he locked the door securely before going back to his own room. 

The next morning, Jinyoung woke up cranky and irritable. The bed itself was very comfortable but he couldn't say the same about his dreams that were filled with him doing very questionable things to Jaebeom. He hadn't had those dreams since high school, when he'd still been in denial about his growing attraction towards Jaebeom. The universe really was out to get him. 

He sat with his face in his hands for a few long, agonizing minutes, feeling all the embarassment of a horny teenager at the age of 25. 

Still, he collected himself and freshened up as quickly as possible, hitching a huge smile on his face before walking towards Jaebeom's room to take him out for breakfast. 

Halfway through the patio, he was again greeted by the sound of Jaebeom's abundant laughter and the loud thump of a hand being hit against a table again and again in mirth. He walked quickly towards the coffee table near the front entrance and sure enough there was Jooheon, regaling Jaebeom with some cock and bull story about his many travel expeditions while Jaebeom looked like his soul might leave his body if he laughed any harder. A large tray of food and a thermos sat on the table between them, already half empty. 

Jinyoung shoved his clenched fists into his pockets and walked up to them, glad that his black turtleneck hid some of the redness around his neck atleast. His ears were a lost cause. Anyone who saw them would know that their fiery glow wasn't from the cold. And by anyone, he meant Jaebeom. 

"Jinyoungah, you okay?" said Jaebeom, getting up immediately when he saw him, assuring him into his chair and pulling another one for himself. "You look dead on your feet, are you sure you slept at all last night?" 

The extremely worried look in Jaebeom's eyes and the concern in his voice did nothing to ease Jinyoung's predicament, his face joining his neck and ears in flushing red, this time with embarassment more than anger. Nothing in the world would induce him to tell Jaebeom exactly why he hadn't slept well last night.

"I'm okay Hyung. It's just the first night in a strange bed...nothing to worry about. You should have woken me up sooner." he mumbled, his eyes sweeping over the food on the table again pointedly. 

"You looked really tired last night, thought you might want to sleep in. I was on my way to check up on you when Jooheon showed up with breakfast."

"I get up too early for my own good." Jooheon explained with a chuckle. "There's an Ahjumma right at the entrance to the market who makes some of the best egg rolls you have ever tasted."

"You sure you're alright?" Jaebeom asked Jinyoung again. 

"I'm fine Hyung." said Jinyoung, unable to help the slight whine in his tone. 

"Okay..." said Jaebeom, looking like he didn't really believe it. But thankfully, he decided against questioning Jinyoung any further infront of Jooheon. 

"Grab some rolls." Jooheon drawled, pointing at the plate infront of him, smirk in place and completely unaffected by the proceedings. "Lets get you fed. Can't let you spoil your pretty face now, can we?"

"No thanks." said Jinyoung. "I hate rolls."

"Have some coffee anyway." He insisted, still unaffected. 

"I hate coffee." he shot back, ignoring the tempting fragrance of freshly brewed coffee wafting from the thermos that kept calling to him. 

Jaebeom shifted uncomfortably beside him. But Jinyoung was beyond caring at the moment. Served Jaebeom right. Eating Jooheon's egg rolls and drinking his coffee without waking him up was nothing short of criminal in Jinyoung's book. 

"Really?" Jooheon asked, his eyebrow raised. 

"Really." said Jinyoung. 

"Since always?" 

"Yeah. Always."

"Ahh, Hyung. I'm so sorry." said Jooheon turning to Jaebeom instead, who seemed to have deflated quite a bit since Jinyoung had made his dramatic declaration. "You lost our bet."

"What bet?" Jinyoung asked looking at Jaebeom too, confused. 

"Jaebeom Hyung here was adamant that you can say no to the best egg rolls in the world in favor of a small cup of coffee made by him." said Jooheon laughing, blissfully unaware of Jinyoung's heart sinking to the deepest pits of hell. "He actually said he learned how to make coffee just because he believed you liked it so much. The irony, hahaha!" 

"Well you lost too." said Jaebeom, with a forced laugh that could fool anyone but Jinyoung. "He didn't touch your rolls either."

"Hyung, I wasn't being serious..." Jinyoung sputtered.

"It's okay Jinyoung, you don't have to save his face. He's a man, he can take it." said Jooheon dismissively. "Pay up Hyung."

"We never even set the penalty. What do you want?" Jaebeom asked before Jinyoung could try and make any more amends. 

"A date."

A sudden image of himself shoving a dozen of Jooheon's egg rolls down his throat and letting him choke on it flashed across Jinyoung's eyes. He was sure Jooheon would look even more handsome dead. 

"Jooheonah...quit playing. Tell me what you want." said Jaebeom with a light chuckle. 

"No really. I want to take you out. There's a club in the village, nothing too big or fancy. No rules, except that you have to dress up like it's Halloween every night. Girl, guy, doesn't matter, you can hook u- I mean dance with anyone. All they care about is money. That's why I love coming here so much. It's so...free." said Jooheon, looking at Jaebeom meaningfully. 

Jinyoung watched as Jaebeom bit his lip, deep in thought, trying hard to come up with the best way to refuse and still remain polite. 

Atleast that's what Jinyoung hoped Jaebeom was doing. 

" What do you say Jinyoungie? Are you game?" said Jaebeom, turning to him instead. 

"Oh, Jinyoung, you wanna come too? Thought you might sleep in, you don't look in the mood." said Jooheon, his signature smirk making its appearance again while he continued to stare at Jaebeom with utter and obvious unconcern for Jinyoung's answer. 

"Ofcourse I do." said Jinyoung with gritted teeth.

"Dunno Jinyoung, you have to dress up funny and everything. You don't seem like the type..."

"Jinyoung loves trying new things. Don't worry. He'll enjoy himself." said Jaebeom quickly. 

It wasn't exactly true. But Jinyoung shot Jaebeom a grateful look, grabbing the thermos happily to pour himself a mug of what he now knew to be Jaebeom's coffee. 

Jooheon left them with a hearty goodbye to go catch up with some local friends and Jinyoung took Jaebeom out through the forest trails, map in hand, to find their first fishing spot. Jaebeom loved fishing. 

Jinyoung wasn't really thrilled, having lived on a remote Island in Busan with his grandparents until he'd won the school scholarship and moved to Seoul to be with the rest of his family. He'd done enough fishing with his grandfather to last him a life time. 

But this entire trip was centered around making Jaebeom feel good, so he went along with as much enthusiasm as he could muster. A happy and excited Jaebeom was a sight he could never trade for anything in the world. 

How he'd managed to survive without it for years, before and after their breakup, was beyond his own comprehension. 

They spent a lovely day on the rocks at the edge of a small lake, Jaebeom with his fishing pole and Jinyoung with a book he'd brought along, leaning against Jaebeom's broad back, content and at peace. Jaebeom hummed along to some music in his head and Jinyoung's heart sang along with him. 

"Jinyoungah..." said Jaebeom after a while. 

Jinyoung, who'd given up on reading sometime back, just hummed lazily in response, with his eyes closed and a small smile of contentment on his face. 

The sound of his name falling from Jaebeom's lips was always music to his ears. 

"Thank you...for bringing me here."

"Thank you for coming." said Jinyoung, his smile widening while his eyes remained closed. 

"I always wanted to come here you know."

"I know."

"It was supposed to be our honeymoon."

Jinyoung's heart skipped a beat. 

"But I'm glad we came here as friends." Jaebeom continued, and Jinyoung deflated. "There's a side to you I haven't seen yet, and it's coming out more frequently everyday."

Jinyoung opened his eyes but stayed still, waiting for Jaebeom to continue. 

"I like being your friend."

Jinyoung's mind was a storm. On the one hand he was happy that Jaebeom was finally letting go of his sadness, but on the other hand, he couldn't help the sinking feeling in his heart. 

He knew Jaebeom was just trying to express his gratitude for the deliberate care and attention Jinyoung had been showering him with ever since he'd broken up with Youngjae, but it was another humiliating reminder of his failings as a lover. He'd neglected Jaebeom so much back then that Jaebeom preferred him more like this, a friend, someone who spent time with him, who payed attention to his wants and needs, someone who was there when he needed him.

Jinyoung was ready to cry. The weight of the ring in his pocket had never felt more heavy. 

They joined Jooheon back at the village market to pick out accessories for themselves. Jaebeom and Jooheon had a little too much fun in a curiosity shop while Jinyoung tried on an Elvis wig. 

"Hey Jinyoung." Jooheon called from somewhere at the back of the shop. "Come try this tiara. Jaebeom Hyung thinks it'll look good on you!"

Jinyoung breathed heavily through his nostrils and made his way to the back of the shop, only to find the unwelcome sight of Jaebeom sitting on a stool with Jooheon smearing black lipstick on his lips, hovering in his personal space a little too intimately in Jinyoung's opinion. 

Clenched fists and locked jaw in place, Jinyoung made his way towards them to grab the the silver tiara that Jaebeom held out to him while Jooheon worked on smearing blush on his cheeks next. 

"You have cheekbones to die for Jaebeom Hyung. So sexy..." said Jooheon, dabbing at them with a flourish, looking for all the world like a Picasso working on his masterpiece. 

Jaebeom laughed and Jinyoung seethed. Again. 

"Jooheonah, you should really meet my friend Jennie. I think you'll get along well." Jaebeom said with a chuckle. 

"Is she hot like me?"

"She's funny like you." 

"Knew you only thought of me as a clown. There you go!" he said, placing a black and white wig on Jaebeom's head and blowing him a kiss. "Beautiful!"

Jinyoung would have let that go. He really would have let that go, but things came to a head and Jooheon decided it was the right moment to grab the lapels of Jaebeom's jacket and push them off his shoulders, looking at his clothed chest in an extremely indecent manner in Jinyoung's eyes. 

"Wow Hyung!" He whistled, staring at him. "You have some really delicious looking pecs. Have you been working out?" 

Jinyoung jumped to Jaebeom's side. 

"What the hell are you doing?" He snarled, pulling Jaebeom's jacket back on roughly. 

Jooheon looked genuinely confused at Jinyoung's livid tone. 

"We're just trying on different jackets for the club." He said, holding up the patched military jacket on his arm that Jinyoung hadn't noticed. 

Jinyoung suddenly felt foolish at his over reaction but held on to his anger stubbornly, more out of shame than anything else as he saw several people look at them with raised eyebrows and scurry out of their section, probably anticipating a fight. 

"It's freezing out here! Hyung catches cold easily!" 

"Jinyoungie..." said Jaebeom worriedly. 

"What? It's true!" Jinyoung snapped, turning on Jaebeom. 

"Jinyoung, that's enough! Come on..." said Jaebeom in a dangerous tone, grabbing Jinyoung's hand without a glance at Jooheon and dragging him out of the store.

By then Jinyoung really was regretting his impulsive outburst. 

"Jinyoungah, what's going on?" Jaebeom asked him softly once they reached outside. 

"Nothing. I was just worried. You know how you get when you catch a cold." Jinyoung mumbled not meeting his eyes. 

"Is that all?" Jaebeom asked, eyeing him with what Jinyoung thought was a knowing look. 

"Yes." 

"You sure?" 

"Yes!" Jinyoung snapped again, more irritated with himself than with Jaebeom. 

Any moment now, Jaebeom was going to tell him that he was behaving like a child and send him back to the cottage to sulk while he went to the club with Jooheon alone. He was sure of it. 

Jinyoung wouldn't blame him. 

"Nyoungah...if you don't want to go to the club it's alright, we can do something else. Just you and I. What do you say?" 

To say Jinyoung was taken aback was an understatement. 

"Really?" 

"Really."

"Whatever I want?" 

"Ofcourse! We came here together, didn't we? It doesn't matter what we do, as long as you're enjoying yourself. You think I could enjoy myself at the club if you weren't?" 

Jinyoung looked at him and the guilt was almost too overpowering. Jaebeom was finally laughing and having fun, seeming to have forgotten some of his sadness for a bit. How could Jinyoung let his own pettiness get in the way of that?

"Let's go to the club." he said abruptly. 

"You sure?" Jaebeom asked, his expression unreadable. 

"Yes, I'm sure!" Jinyoung whined, turning Jaebeom back with an arm slung around his neck and leading him back into the shop. 

Jinyoung didn't say another word to Jooheon or look at him, and Jooheon returned the favor. His tolerance for Jinyoung's brattiness apparently having reached its limit the same way Jinyoung's had for his excessive flirting with Jaebeom. Jaebeom didn't force them to talk either, keeping the conversation going easily for the rest of their trip, balancing between them both efficiently. 

They hired a rental car instead of calling Yui and Jaebeom drove them to the club, where Jinyoung proceeded to get significantly drunk on one bottle of beer like the light weight he was, in a silent showdown with Jooheon who kept downing shots after shots of some strong liquid without batting an eye. 

Jaebeom simply looked on amused. 

"Careful there Nyoungah, you don't want a headache tomorrow." he said, half heartedly. 

"I'm fine." said Jinyoung. 

"Told you this place isn't for your type." said Jooheon, eyeing him with a smirk. 

"Jooheon." said Jaebeom, a clear warning in his tone. 

"And what type is that?" Jinyoung shot back. 

Jaebeom groaned, turning his back on them both to focus on his drunk in peace. 

"You're such a prude Park Jinyoung you know that? Always walking around with a stick up your-" 

"I'm not a prude! I know how to have fun, as much as anyone!"

"You've looked like you've got a lemon in your mouth ever since we first met. Are you sure?" 

"Maybe it's just the effect you have on people?" 

"Normal people? No. You? Maybe."

"I'm normal people too!" 

"Prove it!" 

"Oh yeah?" 

"Yeah! Pick anyone, anyone in this club apart from your precious Jaebeom Hyung and interact with them for ten minutes without looking like you wanna throw up."

"Hah! Easy!" 

"Go ahead. Let's see you work your magic." said Jooheon sweeping both arms towards the dance floor. 

Jinyoung looked at Jaebeom who simply shrugged. 

"Do whatever you want."

It was this rather than Jooheon's bet, that spurred Jinyoung on to find the first good looking man who eyed him with interest and begin dancing with him at the centre of the dance floor. 

"Bet he's enjoying the view..." he muttered irritably out loud. His partner didn't seem to care or most likely didn't understand a word. 

When he looked back to check if Jooheon was watching, he saw both him and Jaebeom staring at him intently. Jinyoung's eyes immediately found Jaebeom's but got no indication to what was going through his mind at the moment. 

Weirdly enough, the wig and the Joker makeup made him look even more attractive to Jinyoung's intoxicated brain, mysterious and sexy. Jinyoung ripped his eyes away again and continued to dance with his partner, trying to ignore the heat of Jaebeom's gaze on him and the goosebumps that erupted all over his body due to the thrill. 

Until the man dancing with him started getting a bit too handsy. 

"Hey!" Jinyoung exclaimed, brushing the man's hand off his butt for the third time and backing away, all Japanese forgotten. "I think I've had enough dancing, umm, I'm gonna go..."

He turned around quickly to walk back towards the bar but a strong arm around his waist pulled him back. 

"Where's my kiss princess? Let's give your man the show you wanted to." the man whispered in perfect Korean in his ear, tapping his tiara mockingly and making Jinyoung shudder in revulsion. The man wasn't a local afterall, like Jinyoung had believed. 

"N-no. I think you misunderstood. I'm not-" Jinyoung sputtered, the old numbness fogging his brain again in his panic. The familiar tingling in his hands began. 

"Come on, don't be shy Princess." the man said, completely unaware, taking Jinyoung's blank face and frozen body as invitation, grabbing his butt again. 

Before Jinyoung could find the strength to react, another pair of hands were gripping the man's arms and slowly but firmly unwrapping them from around Jinyoung. 

"You can leave now." said Jaebeom, pulling Jinyoung behind him. 

Jinyoung unfroze almost immediately. Relief flooding through every cell in his body, he readied himself for a fight. He was as strong as Jaebeom if not more, what with all his recent weight training, but he was sure Jaebeom would try to get in between any and every blow that the man tried to land on him.

Jaebeom fought like a wild animal when triggered, absolutely no technique. He was agile where his opponents were strong which almost always gave him an advantage, and it was never a pretty sight. Something Jinyoung remembered even after a decade of Jaebeom refusing to raise a finger on anyone no matter what the provocation, just to keep his promise to Jinyoung. 

Fortunately, it didn't come to that, as Jooheon inserted himself in between the man and Jaebeom smoothly, his hands held up. 

"Look buddy. We're just here to have fun, no one wants trouble alright?" 

The man looked at Jooheon's hulking frame, at the dangerous glint in Jaebeom's eye and seemed to change his mind. 

"I came here for the local cuisine anyway. Keep your whore in check, if you don't want him eaten alive in this place." he said with a snigger, clearly trying to appear braver than he seemed. 

Jaebeom lunged at him, but fortunately Jooheon and Jinyoung both managed to hold him back, in time for the man to flip them off and scurry away out of sight without another word. 

"Fucking bastard! Keep your filthy paws off my-" 

"That's enough Hyung!" said Jooheon, his arm around Jaebeom's neck in a choke hold. "They'll call the police and we'll end up spending the night in jail. Let's just get out of here!"

Jaebeom seemed to come back to his senses as he shoved Jooheon's arm away, grabbed Jinyoung's hand and pulled him towards the counter to pay for their drinks. Despite his inebriated state, Jinyoung couldn't hold back the flush of embarassment and humiliation. This trip was supposed to be fun, to distract Jaebeom. It was all going wrong and it was all Jinyoung's fault. 

"You okay Jinyoung?" Jooheon asked, looking concerned. 

No. Scratch that. It was all Jooheon's fault. 

"I would be, if you kept your hands off my man!" he snapped suddenly, pointing a swaying finger in Jooheon's face. 

"Your man?" 

"My man! This guy!" he said, pulling Jaebeom and swinging his arm around his neck. "This guy, he's mine, get it? Mine! So hands off!" 

"Hey, listen, I didn't know you two were..." Jooheon protested. 

"Jinyoungie, what are you-?" Jaebeom began at the same time. 

"Yes we are! Together!" Jinyoung yelled, cutting over them both. "Do you get it now?! Everything's a fucking joke to you, isn't it Jooheon, a fucking show?! I'm not his bloody side whore alright, if that's what you believe too! We're getting married! I'm gonna propose to him tomorrow and I'm gonna make you hold the ring box you fucking asshole, see if you find that entertaining too!" 

He heard Jaebeom's surprised intake of breath and a feeling of immediate regret washed over him, but in his current state of mind he pushed it away in favor of defending Jaebeom's honor from an imaginary assault by the man who seemed hellbent on ruining everything for him. 

"Tell him Hyung! Tell him how you've been in love with me since we were in school! Tell him how you kissed me for the first time, in a club just like this! Tell him how we made hot passionate love that very nigh-" 

“That's enough Jinyoung." said Jaebeom in a low, calm voice that had always scared Jinyoung more than any amount of yelling. 

It was a tone he rarely used, reserved only for Jinyoung, to let him know that Jaebeom had finally reached his limit with him. 

Jaebeom held the arm slung around his neck with one hand and grabbed Jinyoung's waist firmly with the other to hold him steady. 

"We're leaving." 

"What? No! You have to tell him-" 

"Jooheon, we'll talk later alright?" 

"Nah let me come with you, he's a mess." 

"He's my mess. I'll deal with him." said Jaebeom. "Take your time coming back." he added, stressing on the words deliberately, before turning around and helping Jinyoung out of the club. 

"Call me if you need anything!" Jooheon shouted at their retreating backs. 

Jinyoung would have turned around and punched him then and there if Jaebeom didn't tighten his grip on him. Besides, he had other more major problems to deal with tonight. 

Like his low alcohol tolerance and his big mouth. 

The anger, the humiliation, the regret, it was all too overwhelming for him and he didn't realize when he passed out. By the time Jaebeom drove them back to the cabin he woke up again with his mind a mass of confused emotions but sobered down a bit. 

He turned to look at Jaebeom, expecting to get a scolding, but Jaebeom said nothing, simply handing him a bottle of cold water and asking him if he wanted to vomit. 

This pissed him off to no end for some reason and the minute Jaebeom parked the car outside the cottage, Jinyoung stormed off to his room with Jaebeom following him in and shutting the door behind him quietly. 

"Did you really mean it?" he asked softly while Jinyoung stood with his back turned towards him, looking through the picture window at the dark forest. "About the proposal?" 

"Ofcourse I did! Horny bastards like that come to these places just to find someone to fuck! The way he looks at you, like he can't wait to tear your clothes off...he needs to be taught his limits!" 

"So it was for him." 

Jinyoung was too far gone in his own emotions to catch the utter dejection and disappointment in Jaebeom's voice. 

"Ofcourse it was! He was the only one there wasn't he?" Jinyoung snapped turning around, completely confused by the red flush of embarassment on Jaebeom's face. 

"Yeah, I thought...never mind. Just go change your clothes. I'll stay here with you tonight." He said in a colorless voice, devoid of any emotion. 

"Hyung..." 

"I understand if you don't want me here Jinyoungie." said Jaebeom, clearly misreading his hesitation. "I'm sorry, for what that man said...and what my parents probably made you believe all these years. You're not my side whore alright. You don't have to do anything...to prove anything to anyone. Just let me stay tonight, make sure you're really okay. Please?"

That's when it hit Jinyoung, and he suddenly found himself failing with words again. Jaebeom didn't think Jinyoung had really meant to propose, he thought Jinyoung had just said that out of hurt and lashed out at Jooheon. What had his therapist taught him? God, he'd regressed so much tonight, he couldn't remember anything! 

Things were about to become a huge mess again and there was no Bambam to pull him out of this one. 

He walked over to the tiny dresser in his room without a word, picked up the water bottle sitting there and took a big swig. Putting the bottle back in its place and shoving both hands deep into his pockets, he turned around to look back at an increasingly concerned Jaebeom, trying to come up with something, anything to express the emotional whirlpool in his heart. 

But surprisingly, he didn't have to suffer long as Jaebeom quietly walked over to him, took hold of his wrists and pulled out his trembling hands from his pockets. 

"Remember what I told you Jinyoungie, years ago? You will not hide yourself from me. Ever again." 

And he rubbed soothing circles with his thumb on both of Jinyoung's hands until the trembling subsided a little. 

Jinyoung looked at Jaebeom's eyes searchingly for a moment and made up his mind. There was no moment that was going to be the perfect moment. 

"I'm, I'm gonna go take a shower first." he said. 

He needed to calm down before he said what he needed to say. 

"Okay. I'll just duck into my room and get my things." 

Fifteen minutes later, when Jinyoung stepped out of the shower completely sober with his speech prepared, he was stopped short by the endearing sight of Jaebeom sprawled across one side of his bed with his eyes closed and his mouth open, snoring loudly. 

Jinyoung smiled despite the heavy, disappointed sigh that escaped his chest. He knew he'd messed up and he wanted to clear it up as soon as possible. But watching Jaebeom sleeping in his bed after so long was like a dream come true for his aching heart. He lay down gently next to him so as not to disturb his sleep and carded his fingers softly through his hair. 

"It was for you Hyung. Not for him. I'm so sorry..." 

His emotions whirling around in his head like birds of prey pecking at his mind for crumbs, he finally fell asleep with his hand tangled in Jaebeom's hair. 

Jinyoung woke up slowly in the middle of the night. He lay still for a minute, straining his ear to listen for the sound that had woken him up. It came again, a loud cry, like an animal in distress. It took his brain another second to register that Jaebeom was gone from his side. 

The cry came again. 

Jaebeom was hurt. 

He leapt out of bed and out of the room, his heart thumping louder than the crickets in the quiet night. He followed the cries all the way to the front of the cabin and found the light spilling out through Jaebeom's bedroom. He could see the shadow of a struggle and it seemed like it was more than one man. He whirled around trying to look for a weapon and saw a baseball bat he hadn't seen before leaning against the railing. 

He grabbed the bat and barged his way into the room. 

The whole world stopped as Jinyoung tried to make sense of what was happening right infront of him. 

Jaebeom. 

Not crying in distress but moaning in pleasure, pinned between two men as they ran their mouths and hands all over his naked body wherever they could reach. 

His heart stopped too and so did his brain when Jaebeom suddenly turned around to look at him with glazed eyes. 

"Care to join us?" said one of the men smirking, before grabbing Jaebeom's hair and pulling him into a deep and sloppy kiss. 

Jinyoung turned away as his eyes blurred with tears. He recognized the two men now. Jooheon's burly body was too hard to miss, but the other one? He could understand why Jaebeom was with him, and he had no right to kick that man out of Jaebeom's room. Not when he himself was coming in between him and Jaebeom. 

It didn't matter how Youngjae had managed to come there all the way from Korea. At the moment, all Jinyoung could think of was the lack of oxygen around him and the pain in his chest. He fell to his knees unable to breathe, he was dying, and yet all he could see was Jaebeom and Youngjae kissing while Jooheon watched them hungrily, no matter which way he turned. 

"Jinyoungie..." came Jaebeom's voice. 

"Hyung..."

"Jinyoungie get up!"

"Hyung please, I can't, don't make me...!" 

"Jinyoungie get up, come on...!"

"Hyung, please!" Jinyoung practically screamed. 

"It's okay baby, it's okay, it's just a dream, just a nightmare, I'm right here, see..."

Jinyoung woke up with a start to see an extremely tousle haired and swollen eyed Jaebeom kneeling beside him on his bed, his clothes still on, no sign of a taunting smirk on his face, just a look of extreme concern. 

Jaebeom pulled him to his chest then and Jinyoung clung on to his shirt, his eyes still streaming. 

"What is it Jinyoungie, what did you see? Tell Hyungie, I'll make it better, I promise!" 

"Why haven't you told me that you want to get back with me?" Jinyoung sniffled.

"What?"

"What's taking so long? You don't want me anymore?" Jinyoung cried, still clutching the front of his shirt tightly. 

Jaebeom froze. For a complete minute, Jinyoung felt the shock wash all over Jaebeom's body as the only muscle that moved was his heart pumping faster every minute. 

"I didn't think..." Jaebeom sputtered. 

"Didn't think what?"

"That I had any right to say that to you anymore. I don't want to force my love on you Jinyoungie. Not again."

"But you could force yourself to watch a stranger touch me?" 

"I didn't--do you think it was easy! I fucking hated every second of it! I tried to get you to tell me that you didn't want to go! That you wanted us to spend time alone. That you didn't just want to be my friend. God, cut me some slack, I'm really trying here Jinyoung! Trying not to put you on a leash! Trying to be your friend for once, something I should have done years ago! But it doesn't mean I don't have feelings, I get mad too!" 

"And jealous?" said Jinyoung pushing Jaebeom back. 

"I-what?" 

But suddenly Jaebeom's lips were quivering. Jinyoung could almost see his brain working hard to come up with an answer. It pissed Jinyoung off even more. Couldn't Jaebeom just be honest with him, the way he always was? 

"I asked, if you get jealous too?" He repeated, pushing Jaebeom back some more. 

Jaebeom's mouth opened and closed silently like a fish out of water, but no words came out. 

"Because I was."Jinyoung continued. "Of Youngjae. And of that Jooheon guy. That prick's been flirting with you ever since we got here and you have no clue, absolutely no clue!" 

"That's because he wasn't flirting with me. He was flirting with you, you idiot."

Jinyoung froze in disbelief. 

"Are you kidding me right now?" 

"No, I'm not. He's always been normal with me. It's always when you come around that his whole stance changes. He comes on to me to tease you, to get your attention, don't you see? And I have to sit back and laugh at his childishness while you bite the bait every freaking time. Why else do you think I never took him seriously?" 

Jinyoung pushed him back with such force that Jaebeom fell backwards on the bed with a helpless grunt. Jinyoung didn't stop there. 

"You know what it did to me, to see you laughing like that with him?" He said pushing Jaebeom some more, making him back away nervously with his mouth still hanging open. "When it was supposed to be just the two of us on this trip?" 

Jinyoung climbed on top of him, furious, and Jaebeom backed away some more, giving him space, looking completely hypnotized.

"It was supposed to be just you and me. Just us." said Jinyoung pushing Jaebeom's chest hard enough that the breathe got knocked out of him as his back hit the bed finally. 

And then jinyoung's lips were on him. Jaebeom was unresponsive only for a second more before he was giving into the kiss, pushing back, opening his mouth to allow jinyoung in.

Jinyoung let go of all restraint as he pulled back and ripped jaebeom's shirt open, buttons bouncing around on the carpet before latching his mouth into every inch of skin he could find. Jaebeom moaned, his head thrown back. From jinyoung's tongue going into a frenzy around his neck, from his fingers raking along the length of his torso up and down as if wanting to memorize every inch they touched, from jinyoung's hips grinding down hard into his as he spread his legs wider to let jinyoung in closer, Jinyoung was a furnace and jaebeom seemed willing to be consumed. 

"You're so stupid! Always, so, so stupid! Take this off!" Jinyoung gasped, tugging at Jaebeom's shirt with one hand, while the other stayed tangled in his long hair. 

Jaebeom sat them both up immediately and pulled his clothes off with record speed before tugging at Jinyoung's waist band and pulling his pants and underwear down too. 

"Why couldn't you just tell me you wanted to get back Hyung! After all these years when I've finally learned not to run away from my feelings you decide to learn tact! Why?" said Jinyoung, mouthing along Jaebeom's shoulder. 

"Well what did you expect me to do?!" said Jaebeom, finding his temper again. "Do you think I'm so selfish that I'd dump you to get with Youngjae then dump Youngjae to get with you again?! You think I'd disrespect you both like that?! Do you know why I wasn't so thrilled to come on this trip? Because I knew it was going to be impossible to keep my hands off you! You have no fucking idea what you do to me!" he said, pulling Jinyoung in for a kiss, hard and forceful. "Every moment since we got on that flight until now has been absolute torture for me!" he continued, in between kisses. "You were so excited and all I could do was think about when I had to cancel our honeymoon the last time and try not to think about getting you in my bed every fucking moment! I've been trying so hard, trying not to act on impulse, trying not to ruin this trip for you!"

Next second, he had flipped them both around to cage Jinyoung underneath him. 

"But you should have told me! Let me decide!" Jinyoung shot back, trying to catch his breath. 

"I was going to! But i needed time! Courage! Do you think it's easy? After hurting you so much! After getting hurt myself!" 

Jinyoung had no answer to that and so Jaebeom simply moved along to mark his neck some more. Jinyoung winced when he felt Jaebeom's fingers grip tight at one thigh and hike his leg around his waist. He felt Jaebeom's forceful slide against his length and even though it matched his own need, he realized that the frantic desperation with which Jaebeom clung to him was fear more than lust. Like he was afraid Jinyoung would change his mind any moment and push him away. 

"Hyung I'm not going anywhere..." Jinyoung gasped as Jaebeom's teeth and tongue began a frenzy on him again.

But Jaebeom seemed beyond hearing. 

"Hyung..slow down..."

He could feel a finger clawing it's way towards his entrance as Jaebeom held his face tight with the other hand and kissed him with all the ferocity that he could muster. All teeth and tongue and want. 

Gathering every bit of his own strength, Jinyoung stopped Jaebeom's hand that was under his hip and turned his face away. But Jaebeom continued to place sloppy kisses down his jawline. 

"Hyung..." 

Jaebeom was struggling to free his hand from Jinyoung's strong grip as he continued his way down Jinyoung's rib, unbuttoning his shirt one handed as he went and pushing it off his shoulders roughly down to his elbows. 

"Jaebeom, stop!"

With a massive effort, Jinyoung managed to clutch at Jaebeom's hair and pulled hard. Jaebeom stopped struggling immediately, more at the command than the grip on his hair. He was breathing heavily, like he'd swum a mile underwater. 

"Look at me." said Jinyoung softly, letting go of Jaebeom's hair so his neck wasn't arching back anymore. Jaebeom looked back at him with wet eyes. As they both caught their breaths, a tear slid down Jaebeom's cheek and he closed his eyes.

"Hyung..." Jinyoung said again, cradling his face with both hands, making Jaebeom crawl his way up to place his forehead against him, his arms caging Jinyoung in, safe and secure just the way he remembered. 

"I'm not letting you go. Ever again. Okay?" Jinyoung whispered. 

He could feel Jaebeom shaking with suppressed sobs. 

"Hyung, look at me...Please?"

And finally Jaebeom lifted his head and opened his eyes again, letting another drop of tear fall onto Jinyoung's lips. Jinyoung felt his own eyes blur, threatening to spill any moment as Jaebeom sat up, clutching at Jinyoung's shirt to bring him up with him. 

Once they were both seated face to face, Jaebeom let go of his shirt to play with the only button that still remained on it, refusing to meet his eyes. They stayed quiet for a while, watching Jaebeom's fingers worry the button until it came loose too. Jinyoung didn't bother to pull his shirt back on while he tried to read the emotions playing on Jaebeom's face. He sneaked his hand into Jaebeom's and clutched it tight while he collected himself. 

"Jinyoungah..." Jaebeom croaked after what felt like hours, his hand finally coming alive to squeeze his. "Can you trust me again? If I say I've changed...Will you believe it."

Jinyoung squeezed his hand back. 

"There's no one I have ever trusted more. And that hasn't changed even today." 

Jaebeom's face crumpled in gratitude as he brought Jinyoung's hand up and pressed it to his lips again and again. 

"I never did deserve you. That's why I left. Deep down, I always knew I was chasing something that was beyond what I could give." 

"Funny how I felt the same." said Jinyoung with a tearful smile. 

"Well then you're an idiot." said Jaebeom, glaring at him. 

And Jinyoung had never been more in love as he pulled Jaebeom in for another kiss, soft and gentle this time. 

"No, but seriously Hyung. Why me? You had so many choices, better choices... Jackson, Youngjae, even Jennie...why me?" 

"Remember that book you loved to quote at me all the time." 

"'You love someone not because they're your perfect match. Love is irrational." Jinyoung recited with a smile. 

"There's your answer. You'll always be the best to me. For me. But I don't know if I'll ever be good enough for you."

Jinyoung looked at Jaebeom for a long moment, his heart swelling with gratitude too, and love, so much that it felt ready to burst any moment. 

"Do you remember our first time?" he asked. 

"How could I ever forget?" said Jaebeom with a smile. 

"You were my first everything for a reason Hyung...You're my first kiss. The only one I've ever loved. The only one I ever made love to. You will always be the first and the last for me. Always. And I will show it to you, every hour of every day until we both grow old and wrinkled and our children have their own children." said Jinyoung with a small chuckle. "I will always love only you. And I'll never give you reason to leave again. Even if you do find one, I'll drag you back and hold you down until you give in, but I'll never let you go. Because I know now that you will always want to come back." 

He saw Jaebeom's jaw clench, clearly trying to hold back more tears. 

"That last bit makes you sound like a psychopath." he sniffled. 

"Shut up!" said Jinyoung, hitting him on the chest and Jaebeom smirked. "You know what I mean."

"You may not have been my first kiss or the only one I've been with, but the rest of it...Will it be insensitive, if I say, "same"?" said Jaebeom, a slow smile building on his face again, even as fresh tears escaped his eyes. 

"Yes." said Jinyoung lying back down beside Jaebeom, and pulling him towards himself with a chuckle. 

"Then same. You're the only one I've ever loved and I'm never letting you go again." said Jaebeom as he dived for Jinyoung's lips, not for the last time. 

Hours later, well into the night, Jinyoung gasped for air as he reached down between his legs to grip Jaebeom's hair. His other hand scrambled at the bedsheets, pulling up tufts so he wouldn't jerk his hips and end up hurting Jaebeom. A few moments ago, it had seemed natural to let Jaebeom go down on him after he had finished inside him. 

But now, as the sensations threatened to overwhelm him, Jinyoung didn't know what he wanted anymore. His heart and his body wanted Jaebeom to keep going, but a tiny part of his brain was still stuck on an old habit, of holding himself back from grasping for more than he thought he deserved, making him want to cling on to whatever little self control he had left. It was as if they were making love for the first time all over again. 

"Hyung..." he breathed, even as his hand refused to push Jaebeom away. 

His voice seemed to spur Jaebeom on even more as he gripped his thighs tighter and moved his mouth faster, taking him in deeper. Jinyoung couldn't really breathe through the heightened sensations and the fire building up in his belly with Jaebeom's long hair and stubble tickling his pelvis and thighs, in time with the rhythm of his warm breath. 

But this was how Jaebeom's love had always been, passionate and overwhelming in its abundance. It had always scared Jinyoung, the intensity with which Jaebeom loved him. It scared him still.

However, slowly but surely, another part of Jinyoung was waking up, the one that was attuned to the beat of his heart, the part that had grown stronger in the year spent away from Jaebeom. The part that drowned out the voice of his self doubt and told Jinyoung that this was exactly how it was always supposed to be between them. 

Give or take, it didn't really matter when their souls were finally matched together as equals, taking turns to fill each other up. The empty hollowness inside him was finally disappearing after all these years, and his heart swelled impossibly more. 

Jaebeom let out a pleased humm as Jinyoung finally gave in to his natural instincts and pulled his hair tighter, pushing himself into his mouth deeper. He had finally learnt to let go of all inhibitions, to accept all that Jaebeom wanted to give him. They worked in synchrony now. The push and pull. Keeping the balance. 

Before he knew it, the fire building up inside him had reached a crescendo for the second time that night, but more potent than ever before. And without warning, it washed down on him in waves, its flames consuming his entire body, obliterating the world around him and shaking him to his very core. Jinyoung let go of Jaebeom's hair and clutched at the sheets desperately with both hands as his body convulsed in endless waves, his head thrown back, his mouth open soundlessly before letting out a loud, shuddering moan as he came down from the high. 

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Jaebeom pulled his mouth away and Jinyoung went limp, exhausted. 

"Okay...I think I'm done for a lifetime." he whispered after a while, admiring his engagement ring that Jaebeom had managed to free from the chain around his neck with fumbling fingers and slip back on his ring finger somewhere in the middle of their lovemaking. "That was...wow...

"What? We haven't even started yet!" said Jaebeom, his voice completely wrecked, kissing his way up and slumping down sweaty and naked on Jinyoung's chest, trying to catch his own breath. He took Jinyoung's left hand and kissed the ring. 

"Babe, we have all the time in the world. I'm taking you home with me as soon as we get out of here." Jinyoung mumbled, closing his tired eyes. 

Jaebeom perked up at that, looking at Jinyoung like a child being promised a trip to fantasy land. 

"Say that again." 

"We have all the time in the world." 

"No, after that."

"I'm taking you home with me." Jinyoung whispered again with a smile, stroking Jaebeom's sweaty hair out of his eyes. 

"Okay." said Jaebeom settling back down on his chest happily, his face blissed out and shining, despite the fatigue written all over it. 

Yet the light in his eyes shined brighter than Jinyoung had ever seen before, not even the first time Jinyoung had told him he loved him. No trace of uncertainty, no trace of fear. Just happiness and trust. 

He groped around the bed for his pants and managed to pull out Jaebeom's ring from his pocket, slipping it on his finger in the dark. 

"I wanted to be first this time, you know." he pouted. 

"You won the room. I win the proposal. Balance." said Jaebeom sagely. 

Jinyoung pulled him closer and buried his face in Jaebeom's hair with a chuckle. 

"You have no idea how cute you are Hyung..."

"I'm not cute." Jaebeom whined hitting Jinyoung on the chest, making him laugh and catch Jaebeom's fist in his larger hand. 

"Aww, look at your little paw!" Jinyoung continued, refusing to let go while Jaebeom struggled to free his fist, "Nora should call you Oppa instead of Appa."

"Shut up." Jaebeom sniffed, sighing in defeat and letting Jinyoung lace their fingers together even tighter. 

A few minutes later there was the unmistakable sound of Jaebeom's snoring. But Jinyoung stayed up for a long time, trying to absorb the reality of the moment, Jaebeom lying in his arms safe and happy. 

"All mine." he whispered, bringing Jaebeom's hand to his lips gently so as not to wake him up. 

"We belong together Hyung. You and I. We always did." 

*

"How did it go?" Jinyoung asked nervously. 

He was sprawled out on the bed with his back resting against the headboard watching some obscure Japanese drama on TV, the morning sunlight warming him up comfortably. They'd decided to stay in their pyjamas after a long, shared bath that morning, too exhausted, emotionally and physically, from last night's events.

Jaebeom had just got back from talking to his father on the phone for over two hours. At Jinyoung's insistence. Apparently, Jaebeom hadn't told his father about their trip to Japan and he had panicked at his absence from office for two days now, calling him incessantly on his cell phone all morning. 

"As well as you hoped it would." Jaebeom answered grumpily. 

"Come here." said Jinyoung making grabby hands, and Jaebeom joined him on the bed immediately, settling in between Jinyoung's legs and leaning his back against his chest while he turned down the volume. 

Jinyoung slipped his arms around Jaebeom's waist and placed soothing kisses down his cheek and neck, feeling the remaining tension seep out of his tense shoulders. 

"We made up." Jaebeom said finally, letting out a heavy sigh. "Kind of. I told him I forgave him, for real this time." 

"I'm glad you did."

"He owes it to you anyway, persistent nag that you are. Plus I'm feeling extra generous today after last night."

Jinyoung nipped his ear in mock anger and Jaebeom squirmed again, turning around in his arms to face him. 

"How did he take it?" Jinyoung asked stroking Jaebeom's unruly locks back from his face while Jaebeom stared at his lips in anticipation. 

"He was over the moon ofcourse. Wanted me to bring you over for dinner as soon as we get back to Korea."

"What do you mean "wanted"? We're not going?"

"We are. But not so soon. He postponed the invitation."

"Why? What did you exactly say to him?" Jinyoung asked with a surprised chuckle. 

"I said we can't go to his house immediately after returning to Korea because we're doing something else first. Specifically you."

"And what is it that I'm doing?" Jinyoung asked despite knowing the answer very well. He kissed Jaebeom gently on the lips with a smile. 

"You're taking me home."

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again guys, I might sound like a broken record but I'm truly grateful to each and everyone of you for staying with me through my first ever long fic. I have an epilogue already in the works so I hope you guys will bear just a little more and stay for one last chapter. Thank you once again.
> 
> PS: The mood board for this and the reference for the cottage is on my twt: @GK7ahgase


	21. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a purely self indulgent piece because I can't get enough of domestic JJP and I also wanted to find out what happened to JackJae and the rest, so I hope you guys enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys must have noticed, the album Call My Name and the song YCMN hold a special place in my heart. Apart from it being an influence in the writing of this fic and fitting it so perfectly, the entire album is special to me. 
> 
> We got so many beautiful JJP moments too that will last JJPnation for an entire lifetime. Until we hit the next drought that is because let's face it, we're always starving for them.  
> I would like to dedicate this song to each and every one of you who has cheered me on through the writing of this fic with your comments, analyses, kudos, ideas, suggestions, jokes, everything! I understood the true meaning of YCMN through you guys even though you don't know my name. This is why I kept the title as "The Sound of You Calling Me", because people can forge bonds even beyond something as basic as knowing each other's names. You guys have no idea how much it meant to me. Thank you, once again!  
> Until next time... 

* * *

**One month later:**

YJ: Hey Hyung, this is Youngjae. I'm back in Seoul. Can we maybe catch up?

Jaebeom had been waiting for this message for a while now. He lay his head down on Jinyoung's lap on the couch and shoved the phone in his face wordlessly. 

Jinyoung who had just managed to save his laptop from falling off in time, set it aside and read the message with Jaebeom watching him upside down anxiously. 

"You have to go babe. Before he leaves again." Jinyoung said with finality. 

"You sure?" 

"Yeah. Go meet him. Invite him to dinner. I'm sure he'll appreciate it. It'll be a fresh start for all three of us." said Jinyoung firmly. 

"Jinyoungie, are you sure you're okay with it?" 

"We've discussed this before Hyung. It's entirely your call, but I'd like it if you got some closure for me too...You want to, don't you?"

"I don't know...I mean we've talked on the phone but I don't know how to face him." said Jaebeom, placing Jinyoung's hand on his head absently. Jinyoung stroked his hair gently and Jaebeom closed his eyes, almost purring in contentment. 

"You'll be okay Hyung. Weren't you anxious about seeing me too, before the trip?" 

"Well that was different." Jaebeom mumbled, his nostrils flaring slightly. "You were being completely dense about the fact that I was still in love with you."

"I wasn't dense!" Jinyoung exclaimed, grabbing a lock of Jaebeom's hair and making him wince. "I was trying not to show my feelings infront of your _boyfriend_!"

"Did you not hear the part where I said I was still in love with you?" Jaebeom grumbled, trying to loosen Jinyoung's hold. "You sure have messed up priorities babe."

"How many times are we going to argue about this then?" Jinyoung asked testily, letting go of his hair. 

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I'm working on it." said Jaebeom placing Jinyoung's hand back on his head with imploring eyes. 

Jinyoung gave him another warning look before returning to stroking his hair, a little less gently this time. Jaebeom closed his eyes again. He was right though, they were working on their relationship, but together this time. And that made a huge difference. 

"What about Youngjae? You're going, aren't you?" Jinyoung prompted again.

"I don't know..."

"Stop saying you don't know. Do you need me to hold your hand through it?" Jinyoung asked, rolling his eyes. 

"No thanks, I'm a big boy. I can take care of my own mess." said Jaebeom sarcastically, sitting back up to wrap his arms across his knees defensively. All it did was make him look like an overgrown toddler. 

"God, you're so cute when you're mad..." Jinyoung smiled, poking his cheek, all anger forgotten. 

"Did you not hear what I said? I can take care of my own mess. And stop saying I'm cute! I'm not cute!" Jaebeom yelled. 

That was too much for Jinyoung's self control. Ever since they'd gotten back together, he had found it extremely hard to keep his hands off Jaebeom for some reason. Be it an arm placed casually around his waist when they watched TV, a chin on his shoulder while he cooked, shaking Jaebeom's hand condescendingly if he made one of his corny jokes, keeping his feet on Jaebeom's lap when they worked on their laptops or simply keeping their pointer fingers intertwined when they walked. 

And kisses, he wanted to kiss Jaebeom all the time, he wanted to try every type of kiss he'd seen on TV. His guiltiest fantasy being dipping Jaebeom down by the waist and kissing him breathless in the rain, after he'd watched it in a drama. It had looked so romantic, exactly the type of thing Jaebeom would love from him. Impulsive, bold and voyeuristic.

But it was also embarassing, especially one evening, when they had shared an umbrella to go buy snacks for their movie night and he'd suddenly realized how kissable Jaebeom looked huddled up against him. He'd thrown caution to the winds then and decided to just go for it. 

But right as he'd removed the umbrella and pulled a shocked Jaebeom in by the waist, there was a fantastic splash of water and a car sped by them leaving them both drenched in dirty rain water from head to toe. 

Needless to say, Jaebeom had spent a good hour back home laughing his heart out, once he'd forced a very disgruntled Jinyoung to spill what he'd been trying to do, towelling his hair dry after a quick shower. Jinyoung was glad his burning face had been hidden under the towel while Jaebeom worked hard to control his giggling and failed miserably. 

Jinyoung had never really understood these clichés of couples wanting to have some kind of physical contact with their partners even during the most mundane moments. But he was slowly getting there, he could understand it now, this constant need for comfort. He had finally put his heart completely out for Jaebeom, raw and naked, just like Jaebeom had been doing for years, and he needed that validation that he'd done the right thing. 

It's why, he realized, Jaebeom used to be so touchy when they had just started dating, or even before that, when they were kids, always keeping an arm around his neck giving it a gentle squeeze every now and then, snuggling up to him in bed when he worked or lying on his lap even when they were both doing different things, like he was now. 

It was as if his own body was punishing him for depriving it of Jaebeom's touch for so long. This would be embarrassing too, if Jinyoung wasn't too turned on to care right now.

"Okay, big boy..." he whispered, looking at Jaebeom through his long lashes, with a sudden seductive smirk on his face. "Let's see you take care of the mess I'm about to create then."

Jaebeom could only sputter when Jinyoung raised a foot to his shoulder and pushed, causing his arms and legs to spring apart as he fell back on the couch. 

"What are you doing?" 

"What do you think?" 

"I think we need to cancel your TV subscription" Jaebeom said hoarsely, backing up a little. 

"I know how to use the internet Hyung." Jinyoung said, letting go of his act for a second to roll his eyes. "And I'd buy into your apparent panic if something suspicious wasn't straining to jump out of your pants right now." he added, looking down at Jaebeom's crotch pointedly. 

His smile widening at Jaebeom's rapidly reddening face, he crawled forward slowly on all fours, hips lifted exaggeratedly in thin, cotton shorts, with a teasing smile on his face. Jaebeom simply watched, at a complete loss for words. 

He was lost for only a second though, before his eyes narrowed and he returned the smile with a snigger of his own. 

"Oh really?" he asked with raised brows, beginning to lean forward himself. 

"Real-" began Jinyoung, but the very next moment, he was flat on his back and Jaebeom was on top of him. 

"I only clean up the mess I create." Jaebeom smirked, his fingers finding the sensitive spots on Jinyoung's belly making him burst into helpless laughter as he tickled him. 

"Okay, okay, I give up you cringy asshole..." Jinyoung gasped, still giggling, while Jaebeom nuzzled his neck. 

"Look who's talking about cringy..." Jaebeom sniggered again. 

They stayed like that for a while, Jaebeom placing gentle bites all over Jinyoung's neck and Jinyoung's hands sliding down to grope Jaebeom's butt as they grinded against each other lazily, no urgency, no uncertainty, getting more aroused by the second. 

"I love you." Jinyoung whispered suddenly, making Jaebeom look up, startled. "And I love the look on your face when I say it." he giggled, poking Jaebeom's cheek with a finger. 

"If you're trying to distract me and get out of finishing what you started, then nice try." Jaebeom shot back, looking back down to hide the evident blush on his face, as his hand moved down to slide down Jinyoung's shorts. 

Meow! 

"Woah, you're really kinky tod-" Jaebeom began with a surprised chuckle before looking back up and coming face to face with Nora, her paws placed protectively over Jinyoung's face. 

"Where the hell did she come from?" Jaebeom groaned, his head falling on Jinyoung's chest. "Every freaking time..."

"It's not her fault when we do this outside the bedroom. She just wants to play with her dadda..." Jinyoung cooed, picking her up off his face and nuzzling her soft fur. 

"I want to play with dadda too..." came Jaebeom's irritated mumble. 

"But dadda wants to play with Nora now. We don't want you..." Jinyoung replied with a smug smile, allowing Nora to lick his face in contentment. 

Jaebeom's eyes narrowed at that suddenly, without another word he pushed himself off Jinyoung, pulled Nora gently out of Jinyoung's hands, grabbed his arm and pulled him towards their bedroom. 

"Hyung..." Jinyoung followed in his wake, surprised by his sudden tense mood. Had he gone too far with the joke, was Jaebeom really mad at the mock rejection? He was only joking. Sure, Jaebeom knew that right? Was it too soon for him to be joking about not wanting Jaebeom? Did Jaebeom still actually believe Jinyoung didn't want him? 

Jaebeom pushed Jinyoung into the bedroom, placed Nora down on her bed just outside their door and snapped it shut behind him. 

"You're playing with me today. Only me." he said, taking his shirt off. "I've waited far too long to have you all to myself." he continued, pushing his pants down, then moving forward to pull Jinyoung's clothes off piece by piece. "First it's Mark, then Yugyeom, then Bambam, then Jackson, then Noona, every freaking evening you wanna have a friend over and then you want the cat in our bed too. It's only going to get worse when we have kids. I understand you're trying to change and I support you, but then you keep touching me all the time and I just can't help it okay, I-"

But Jinyoung cut him short by grabbing his face with both hands and smashing their lips together. Hurt a tooth in the process, but a trivial thing like that wasn't going to stop him now when Jaebeom responded with equal enthusiasm. 

Jaebeom walked him backwards towards the bed, still kissing furiously, his hands sliding down to squeeze Jinyoung's butt. Jinyoung moaned and arched his neck as Jaebeom moved to his chest, down to his belly and then down, down to his crotch, taking him into his mouth. 

"Babe..." Jinyoung gasped, pulling Jaebeom away by the hair to look at his flushed face. "You know I'll come too soon."

"Yup. Then we can go again."

"I hate you Hyung." said Jinyoung, covering his burning face with his hands. 

"That's not what you said a few minutes ago. And I think I told you to never hide yourself from me, ever again..." Jaebeom said earnestly, prying Jinyoung's hands away from his face and pushing him back on the bed before climbing on top of him. 

*

"You changed your number." Jaebeom said, sipping his coffee. 

They had just finished lunch and moved to Youngjae's favorite coffee place by their old apartment. Jaebeom had expected it to feel weird or uncomfortable, but the minute Youngjae had stepped down from the cab with a nervous grin on his face, all possible awkwardness had vanished and they'd hugged without hesitation. Jaebeom was glad that the comfort and warmth he'd always felt with Youngjae hadn't changed, even if their feelings had. 

"I didn't want to face the others." said Youngjae, cradling his mug in his hands in melancholy. "Do you think they'll forgive me too?" 

"They don't know."

"What?" said Youngjae, looking up startled. 

"I never told anyone except Jinyoung. It's between the five of us, you, me, Jackson, Jinyoung and ofcourse Jennie. That's already more than enough people."

"Oh..."

"You seem surprised." 

"I _am_ actually. I mean, they're your best friends."

"They're your friends too. But it wasn't any of their business, unless you want to make it so."

"But-"

"You didn't lie to them Youngjae. Your friendship for them was true." 

Youngjae fell silent, sliding a finger along the rim of his mug guiltily. 

"And so was your friendship with me." Jaebeom added, trying to catch his eye. "In whatever way you could manage, you still cared about me Youngjae. I trust that."

"You do?" Youngjae asked quietly, still refusing to look up. 

"Yes. I'm not as clueless as you might think." 

"Hyung I'm so sorry." 

"You've said it enough times already Jaeyah. I don't want to hear it from you anymore."

"Okay..." said Youngjae, sniffling. 

"Promise me one thing though." 

"Anything." 

"We won't discuss this again. Especially with Jinyoung. It's not worth it. Not until I'm sure he's ready. We're still...trying to figure things out." 

"Okay." Said Youngjae grateful. 

"And you'll come back to Seoul for good." 

"Hyung, I don't think it's a good idea..."

"I think it's time you stopped trying to sell me _your_ good ideas. They're not that good anyway." 

Youngjae smiled sheepishly. 

"Except one."

"Which one." 

"The one that brought me and my fiancé back together again."

"Fiancé? You got engaged again?"

"Yep." 

Youngjae watched him for a long moment, biting his lips as if trying to come up with the right words to explain his feelings. 

"I don't know if you'll believe me..." he said, finally. "but I'm really happy for you two. Really. You have no idea how much." he finished earnestly. 

"Trust me I do. And so does Jinyoung." Jaebeom said, placing his hand on Youngjae's reassuringly and pulling out his phone. "He wanted to talk to you himself."

"What am I going to say to him?" Youngjae whispered, looking at Jaebeom's phone with a hint of panic.

"You don't have to say anything Jae. Just listen to what he has to say and then we can start from there. Okay?" Jaebeom asked, squeezing Youngjae's hand. 

Youngjae stared at the phone for a few long minutes before looking up with a heavy sigh and a determined nod. Jaebeom dialed Jinyoung's number and handed the phone to Youngjae. 

"Hello...Jinyoung Hyung?" Youngjae said tentatively once the call connected, almost immediately. It was obvious that Jinyoung had been waiting for it. 

But Youngjae couldn't go on. Whatever resolve he'd had when agreeing to the phone call had melted away almost instantly, leaving only fear and apprehension, bracing himself for the worse. 

"Jaeyah..."

Youngjae clutched at the phone tightly with a shaking hand, his eyes blurring with tears. Jinyoung sounded as soft and kind as always, no trace of resentment or anger, nothing. 

"Remember when Jaebeom Hyung introduced you as our lucky number 7?" Jinyoung asked, when all Youngjae did was sniffle. 

He had to take several big gulps of air before he could answer. 

"I t-try to block it out. Single most c-cringy thing he's ever said." he hiccuped in response.

"Oh he says cringy shit on a daily basis...but he was right about this, you know."

"Hyung..."

"You completed our group Youngjae, made a space for yourself that no one else can fill. You coming into our lives set off a chain of events that led us back to each other. For that I'll always be grateful."

"You would've done that on your own." Youngjae sniffled in disbelief. 

"Maybe. Maybe not. But with the understanding we have now...I don't think it would've been possible without you." 

"Hyung, wha-what are you saying...?" 

"My relationship with Jaebeom Hyung...was much like what he had with you. Except that he treated you much better than I ever treated him. Back then, when I finally decided to give it a try, it was easy to...you know...the physical aspects. But when it came to emotions, I...was severely lacking, I didn't trust him or myself enough to give us a chance. Until after we had that talk at the cabin because of you. Who knows how much more time we would have wasted otherwise? And what if something had happened to make it permanent? You've done a lot for us Jae. Not just for me and Jaebeom Hyung but also for Mark Hyung and Jackson. You're closer in age to Yugyeom and Bambam and they connect to you at a completely different level. You're like the three musketeers. Our maknaes." 

"Hyung, please don't..." said Youngjae, barely able to speak through his sobs. 

"No _you_ don't! Stop crying or I'll come over there right now and drag you home."

"N-no, don't!" 

He heard Jinyoung let out a heavy sigh. 

"It took me a while to forgive you Jae but knowing the things you went through...it helped me understand where you were coming from and even if what you did was wrong, I just can't hold it against you...I love you too much."

"Y-you love me?" 

"Yes." Jinyoung sighed again. "You remember how quickly you became like my little brother?...I'd like to believe it wasn't all just an act."

"No, it wasn't!" Youngjae said quickly. "Hyung I-" 

"That's all I need to know Jae." Jinyoung cut in. "Now this is what we're _not_ going to do..."

Youngjae pressed the phone closer to his ear. 

"We're not going to discuss about what happened anymore, with me or Jaebeom Hyung, and you're not going to apologize anymore. You're going to be the same Youngjae as you were before but without any secrets this time. Deal?" 

"Deal." Youngjae whispered looking up at a smiling Jaebeom, his heart leaping with gratitude. 

It was like a gigantic load had been lifted from his shoulders after months and he felt almost weightless. They talked for a few minutes more before Jinyoung excused himself to get back to work, after inviting Youngjae to dinner the very next weekend. 

"Thank you." said Youngjae squeezing Jaebeom's hand gratefully. 

"Don't be. I'm just glad we're over this. Makes it easier for me to add you to our group chat again." 

"Hyung I don't think-" 

Jaebeom gave him a look that silenced him immediately. 

"You are a part of us now Youngjae. We are all in this together. The seven of us. We fight, we make up and we laugh it off, but we stick together. Always." 

"Then you should know one more thing."

"What?" 

"Hyung...?"

"Yeah?" 

"Jackson asked me to be his boyfriend." 

"Yeah, he told me."

"Oh..."

"Do you like him?" 

"I do, but..." 

"But what?" 

"I kind of already got asked out by Jennie." 

"Woah, that's complicated!"

"Not really..." 

"How do you mean?"

"Jennie says she doesn't mind sharing."

"No shit." said Jaebeom bursting into laughter. "Jaeyah...I'm so sorry for you."

"Don't laugh." Said Youngjae, grinning in embarassment. "I don't know what to do!" 

"What does Jackson have to say about it?" 

"He told me to talk to you. He doesn't really like Jennie you know." 

"He doesn't dislike her but he has no patience for her. She annoys him too much." said Jaebeom knowingly. 

"Yeah. I mean he did say he's willing to try to get along with her. For my sake." 

"Then what's the problem?" 

"I just don't know, I've never really dated anyone before you and now there's two...I don't know if I deserve either of them." 

"Youngjae..." 

"Please don't try to tell me I'm a good person Hyung. I know what I did. I don't need false reassurances." 

"Fine. I'll give it to you straight then." 

"That's all I want." 

"I think you have a lot of love to give Youngjae and I don't think you should limit yourself. If your heart wants them both, then don't hold yourself back. We waste too much time in hating and doubting our own worth than actually loving the people we've been blessed with. Trust me. I know. And I'm not just saying it - you _are_ a good person. You made mistakes, but your heart is still good." 

Youngjae looked down into his now cold coffee, deep in thought. Jaebeom watched him work through it quietly for a while. 

"You really think so?" Youngjae asked, looking up finally. "That I deserve another chance?" 

"I believe it with all my heart." 

And finally, Youngjae smiled back at him through glistening eyes. 

"I love you Hyung. You know you're still the best friend I ever had right?" 

"You too." said Jaebeom, returning his smile, marveling at the ease with which Youngjae had said those words and he had felt the truth in them without either of them flinching. Love, there was all kinds of love. 

It didn't matter that the dynamic of their relationship had changed, the mutual love and respect would be there forever and that was enough. 

*

**Two years later:**

"And?" Jinyoung asked, hands clasped in anticipation as soon as Jaebeom barged in and threw his bag on the floor with a flourish. 

"You're standing in a studio owned by the proud CEO of Define Entertainment!"

"You got the registration papers?! Babe, you have your own independent music label now! This is the second most amazing news we've got today, can you believe it?!" 

Jinyoung jumped into Jaebeom's arms, giddy with happiness, making him stagger back onto the couch dangerously as he quickly slipped his arms under Jinyoung's thighs to hold him up and fell back onto the couch. 

"Give a guy some warning, you're not as light as you used to be. And no, they obviously kicked me out." said Jaebeom rolling his eyes.

"Shut up!" Jinyoung said, hitting Jaebeom on the chest before grabbing his face and kissing him long and hard. "I'm so proud of you baby, you have no idea!" 

"Kiss me again and maybe I'll get a hint." said Jaebeom chasing after his lips again, but Jinyoung leaned back and covered Jaebeom's mouth with a hand laughing. 

"Why~? I deserve a reward for my hard work." Jaebeom whined in a muffled voice, pushing against Jinyoung's hand and placing kisses on it instead. 

"First we tell the guys, then we can get to the fun part. I made plans." said Jinyoung, pushing off to stand back on his feet. 

"So you already knew we'd get the papers today?" 

"I had faith. Now go get ready."

Jaebeom placed a hand on his waist and pulled him back with a jerk. 

"I love it when you surprise me. It's really sexy. What do you have in mind Jinyoungssi, what are you wearing?"

Jinyoung remained annoyingly unaffected. 

"And then you say I'm the one who watches too many dramas." he said, pulling Jaebeom up by a hand firmly and pushing him towards the tiny studio bathroom. "Go take a shower and alert the group chat. I'm taking you all out for dinner."

"Join me?" 

"No. Last time we tried I almost suffocated to death. And I have to feed Nora."

"What about me?" Jaebeom pouted, eyebrow cocked indignantly. 

"Don't be disgusting." said Jinyoung, still apparently unaffected as he crouched down and called out to Nora, food bowl in hand. 

"Must be all the hormones. My belly's been showing too much. How many months do you think it's been?" said Jaebeom, blowing his stomach out and turning around this way and that to look at himself. 

"I swear to God Hyung if you make another pregnancy joke when Hyunjin gets here, I'm sending him back to my grandparents. We just found out this morning and you've already lost your marbles."

"But he looks exactly like me. We might as well have given birth to him." 

"Neither of us has a uterus, and he's only three years old. Plus he's _my_ cousin, if he's going to look like anyone, it's going to be me. The family always says I resembled his appa more than my own."

Jaebeom sobered up a bit then, walking over to crouch down next to where Jinyoung was busy with Nora and wrapping his arms around his shoulders. 

"I'm sorry about your Uncle."

"I know Hyung. I'm sorry too, but it's been months now since he passed away. I think I've accepted it. Thank you for being there for me." said Jinyoung pecking Jaebeom's cheek affectionately before turning back to Nora. 

"Like you were there for me." Jaebeom smiled. "He was a good man, your uncle."

"He really was." said Jinyoung with a smile. "He was so much younger than appa, almost like a brother to me. I grew up with him you know, back in Busan." 

"Hmm." said Jaebeom, nuzzling his neck. "Hyunjin seems like a great kid too. Are you sure your family's okay with us taking him in?"

"He _is_ a great kid. I know Heeyoung Noona wanted him but she lives all alone in the States now, it'll be too complicated, Sooyoung Noona has kids of her own and my grandparents are getting too old." 

Jinyoung turned to look at Jaebeom with soft eyes. 

"Besides, they really want us to have this, a family. It's not easy for people like us to have one, they know that. Especially my parents. Hyunjin needs us too. He already lost his mother at birth and now his father."

Jaebeom still looked worried. 

"But will he like me? He doesn't really know me and I have no experience with kids."

"Babe, he'll love you." said Jinyoung squeezing Jaebeom's arms with a reassuring hand. "Somi loves you already and Suzy Noona said Yeji always starts crying when anyone else but her or Mark Hyung picks her up, but she doesn't do it with you. You're an amazing husband and you'll be an amazing dad too. Wait till he learns how gullible you are, you'll be the favorite Hyung while I get to play the bad cop everytime." he said, kissing Jaebeom again. 

"First of all, it's amazing _fiancé_ not husband, you're not skipping out on a traditional wedding. And second of all, you're absolutely right." said Jaebeom with his nose in the air. "They can have play dates, him and Somi, and once Yeji's old enough she can join them. I'll be the cool uncle other kids can only dream of." he added excitedly, his eyes sparkling, lost in his imagination. 

Jinyoung laughed and kissed him again, making Jaebeom fall back on the floor with a loud thump. 

"Ow! My back!"

"Hyung for the last time, enough with the pregnancy jokes!" Jinyoung snapped, laying down on top of him and moving down to nose at his neck. 

"It's not a pregnancy joke you idiot, I fell on Nora's toy, it's digging into my back."

Jinyoung dug around beneath Jaebeom and pulled out the toy with a huff 

"Way to ruin the moment babe." he said, getting up with a sigh. 

"Aw come on, I'm still in the mood." Jaebeom whined, trying to pull him back. 

"And my butt is still sore from last night you selfish prick. Get up."

"Excuse me. You were walking around in nothing but a towel when I got home. At midnight! You seduced me, don't you dare pretend it was anything else!" said Jaebeom pointing an indignant finger at Jinyoung from the floor. 

"Well I didn't want to go to bed mad at each other just because you're a condescending prick."

"I'm not a condescending prick! How hard is it to throw your dirty socks in the laundry basket and hang your wet towel up to dry instead of leaving them all over the floor?" 

"You didn't seem to mind the wet towel on the floor so much when you ripped it off me last night you hypocrite!"

"That-that is completely different and you know it!" Jaebeom sputtered. "God, you're evil!" 

"Took you twelve years to realize. Now go take a shower, I'll text the guys for you." said Jinyoung firmly, yanking Jaebeom up easily by the arms and pushing him back towards the bathroom. 

"You're such a pretentious prude."

"I'm sure your _soulmate_ Jooheon would agree." said Jinyoung distractedly, already busy with his phone. 

"Hmm, maybe I'll send him some nudes. He loves my _delicious looking pecs_ afterall."

"Lim Jaebeom, I'll ruin you." said Jinyoung pausing to glare at Jaebeom. 

"That's the idea."

"Hyung!" 

"That got your attention alright."

"It's been two years! How long are you going to rub it in?" 

"Forever. You're so cute when you're jealous, especially when I mention Jooheon."

Jinyoung took a sudden warning step towards Jaebeom, making him turn around immediately and scurry out of sight with a loud, "You don't scare me Park Jinyoung!"

Jinyoung went back to his text, his ears glowing red in embarassment. 

Once done, he threw the phone down on the couch and followed Jaebeom into the bathroom sighing in defeat, shedding his clothes off as he went with a grudging smile spreading slowly on his face at Jaebeom's triumphant whoop!

*

JS: what's up guys? I've been back in Korea for weeks now and the new couple are still too busy humping each other on their SECOND honeymoon in Japan to talk to their friends! You're not even married yet! AND you took Bambam with you. 

JB: He's the one who forced himself on us the moment he heard about Jooheon. 

BB: DON'T EVEN ASK HYUNG, these two made a new friend in Japan who's hot as hell, on a trip that I, BAMBAM BHUWAKUL arranged. Why should I be left out? I'm busier than these two I need a break too! 

JB: Well if your idea of a break is spending day and night in Jooheon's room and coming out only for dinner, then why did you even bother coming to Japan?

BB: first of all, _dad,_ I don't like your tone. Second of all, _dad,_ I don't like your tone. 

JY: Hyung. Let him be, he's worked hard, he deserves to be broken. 

BB: Excuse me... 

JY: A break, I meant, break. Damn autocorrect.

JS:Guess everyone's been working hard. 

BB: Oh, it's been a nightmare JackJack. God, I can't wait for Paris week to get over. I have to make your clothes for the wedding too, sheesh! 

YG: Noo one's interested in wearing your curtain collection. It's just us in a cabin signing some documents in secret. JB and JY Hyung can get married in pyjamas for all we care. 

BB: It's couture and you're just jealous. 

YG: I'm rolling my eyes so hard right now.. 

JY: Welcome back Seunnah...I missed you... 

MK: Don lie. U told me ovr text jst yest. how much u wr enjoying d peace n quiet on the grp cht. 

JY: Hyung...? 

JS: It's okay Jinyoung, Mark's my best friend anyway. 

JY: Shut up...He's MY best friend...

JS: Mine! 

JY: Mine. 

BB: Will you both shut up or do I have to mute this chat? 

YG: That will be the day, you nosy prat. You can't go one day without the latest gossip. 

BB: Hey JB Hyung, did you know that Yugyeom...

YG: Bam! 

JB: That Yugyeom what? 

BB: I knew JB Hyung was as much of a gossip queen as me. 

JB: Shut up Kunpimook. 

BB: Yes, _dad_! 

JB: Stop calling me that. 

BB: Why not? 

JB: It's weird. 

BB: Why? Does Jinyoung Hyung call you...

JY: Bammah... too far...

BB: Okay, okay, I'm sorry. But ask your fiancé what kind of porn he's watching first. 

MK: Dat's enough Bam. Y r u always going after Jaeb? 

BB: Oh he speaks. Praise the Lord! 

MK: I srsly regret teaching u english. 

BB: I would say it again in Korean but it's upto Suzy Noona to take care of your kinks, not me. 

YG: Petition to remove Bambam from this chat. 

BB: aw come on, you all speak Korean here. I just bring in a bit of variety... 

YG: Submitting petition on urgent basis. 

BB: Anyway, so JB Hyung, did you know that Yugyeom and Ji...

YG: GOD, BAMBAM WILL YOU SHUT UP! YOU DO NOT HAVE TO END EVERY TEXT WITH A CLIFFHANGER! 

JB: Now I really wanna know 👀

BB: Fine. Yugyeom and Jimin are going out. 

YG: Fucking unbelievable! 

JY: What? Yugyeomah... you didn't tell me...I see how it is...!

JB: What's it to you? He's a grown adult. He needs a break too. 

JY: Shut up _dad_...🙃

JB: Guys I'll be right back. 🏃♂️

JS: Aaand they're back to humping again.

BB: Ewwww... 

JB: We. Are. Not. Jy's at the market with Jh to get the egg rolls you wanted! And I just got a text from my sitter, I need to check up on my cat! Jeez! 

BB: Oooo, so jh's playing sitter for jy Hyung? So it's a kitty kink..👀

JB: I WAS TALKING ABOUT NORA! That's it. I'm blocking you. 

JY: Not me...🙃

BB: Told you he'd like that Park Jinyoung.

JY: that last message was from Jooheon. 

BB: how romantic. Guess I know what we're trying next. Did you get the rolls btw?

JY: yep. On our way back 

BB:✋🏽❤️

JY: 😽✋🏽

YG: Ewww! TMI! 

BB: I taught JY Hyung how to meow and now he' s using a cat emoji, they grow up so fast. 😭

YG: BAMBAM SHUTUP! WE GET IT, YOU'RE HIS SEX ADVISOR. NOW SHUT IT! 

JS: There's one member who's being very quiet by the way. 

YG: But Mark hyung's always quiet. 

BB: And Yugyeom's always reading Jimin's foot long rants with a pathetic smile on his face. 

YG: Thanks for the info nobody asked for Bam. 

JB: Okay I just read the previous messages, Bambam is JY's what? 

BB: Hey, I'm nothing if not generous. 

JS: I'm talking about YOUNGJAE being too quiet. 

YJ: Hey guys. Sorry, I was just laughing so hard I forgot to type😂

BB: I knew I could hear you all the way over here❤️

YJ: Thanks Bam🤣

JY: Hi Jaeyah, missed you! And thanks Bam for putting jb hyung on my case. 

BB: Oh Hyung it's not true. I never gave JY Hyung any advice. I just give him approval and tips for what he already knows. Trust me. 

JB: how the hell is that supposed to make me feel better about my fiancé going to someone else for sex advice? And that too a Bambam. 

BB: well you're the perv, you figure it out. 

JB: I'm gonna throttle you. You're just a couple of doors away. Remember that. 

BB: and make JY hyung & Jh watch? Is that another kink I'm gonna have to train him for?

JB: SHUT UP BAMBAM

JY: Bam stop raising his blood pressure. I'm the one who's going to have to deal with a sulky child. 

BB: sorry, grandpa just gets on my nerves sometimes.

JB: bam I swear to God

BB: time to lock the doors. Come back fast JY Hyung I'm scared. I can hear his walking stick outside my door

YJ: Missed you too JY Hyung. 

JY: You're still coming over for dinner right, when we get back tomorrow? We can put our feet up and heckle Jaebeom Hyung with Jennie while he cooks. 

YJ: Wouldn't miss it for the world. 😂

JB: excuse me? 

JS: Why wasn't I invited?

MK: Do you still need an invitation? Aren't you three like a package deal? 

BB: Okay JB Hyung legit just barged into my room and tried to smother me with a pillow but wait, wut? 👀

YG: What? 👀

JS: Thanks Mark Hyung. I owe you one. 🙄

BB: What is this that only Yugs and I don't seem to know? 

YG: 👀

JS: We are together. 

YJ: Yeah. 😁

BB: WHAT? AND YOU DIDN'T TELL US?! 

YG: Drop the act Bam. Bet you were the first one to know. Bet I'm the ONLY one finding out now. 

BB: well it's not my fault you're too busy playing baby daddy for Jimin. 

YG: As if you're not there all the time spoiling Somi with clothes expensive enough to pay off some of my college tuition. 

BB: I hate when rich kids play the victim card. 

YG: I have a scholarship. 

BB: well then, you're not allowed to use the college tuition example 

MT: u guys din tell dem abt Jennie did u? 

BB: Jennie Noona? What about her? 

MT: They're together. 

BB: Who? 

MT: JS, YJ n Jennie dumbass. It's a wndr yr gossp hungry ass din sniff it out sooner. 

BB: WHAT THE FREAKING FUCK?! AND YOU'RE TELLING US ONLY NOW!

HOW COME MARK KNOWS AND JAYB HYUNG AND JINYOUNG HYUNG, HECK EVEN NORA KNOWS, BUT WE DON'T! YOU GUYS NEVER TELL US ANYTHING, ME LEAST OF ALL, WHEN I'M PROBABLY THE ONLY MATURE PERSON IN THIS GROUP AND YOU ALWAYS, ALWAYS NEED MY ADVICE! WHY WASN'T I CONSULTED?!!! 

JS: Umm, this is why👆🏽

Besides, Youngjae's the one who likes her, I'm still on trial basis. 

YJ: 😁

BB: WHAT IS SHE, A BRA? SHE'S FREAKING NICE AND SMART AND SHE'S HOT, JUST GET ON WITH IT! 

JS: Someone please take him out before I snap. You won't even find a body, I swear. 

MK:🤷🏽♂️

JB: Tell me when

BB: Thank God I locked my door when you left. 

YG: Congratulations to you three. You're great together. ❤️

BB: KIM YUGYEOM DON'T YOU DARE, YOU DARE NOT SEND THEM A HEART WHEN MINE HAS BEEN WOUNDED SO! 

YG: Bam, don't you have to go design new curtains or something?

BB: IT'S COUTURE NOT CURTAINS, WHO MADE YOU A SHRINK? YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR PEOPLE'S FEELINGS!!! 

YG: Same difference, now shoo! 

BB: YOU ARE DISINVITED TO MY NEXT SHOW.

YG: Aw, come on! 

BB: Take it back! 

YG: Okay okay, I take it back! 

BB: Good. 💅

MK: Are you guys done? 

BB: Yup. 

YG: Yes. 

JY: Finally. 

JayB: AISH..! 

JS: So, about that dinner... 

JY: Jackson I swear to God, if you don't show up at 8 pm sharp tomorrow I'm going to skin you alive. 

JS: Just wanted to confirm. 😅

YJ: 🤣🤣

JS: Good night guys, I love you all!

JY: Yeah, yeah...Now get back to work all of you... Lunch hour is over. 

JB: I'm your boss Jinyoung, not the other way around. 

JY: Yes Mr. Boss, but I run the company. Come out both of you, we're at the patio. 

JB: Yes sir. 

BB: This is why he hired you JY Hyung, so he could tinker around in his studio while you run his company and play into his boss-employee kink whenever he's in the mood, which is like always. 

JB: BAMBAM SHUT UP! 

YG: SHUT UP, JEEZ! 

MK: Bam...

JS: CAN'T BELIEVE I GAVE BIRTH TO THIS MONSTER

YJ:🤣🤣🤣

JY: Jh's waiting for you Bam. Now bye. 

BB: Fine. You leave me too. I only love Youngjae Hyung anyway. 

JS: Me too. 

BB: EWWWWW

YG: EWWWWW

JS: 💔

YJ:I love you too. 

JY: Get off the phone you two, we know you're in the same room. 

JS: hehehe

YJ: hehehe

BB: EWWWWW

JB: BAMBAM COME OUT OF YOUR ROOM AND EAT YOUR FUCKING ROLLS QUIETLY OR SO HELP ME GOD! 

BB: 🏃♂️

**One year later:**

Jennie and Youngjae decided to get married in Italy, rather Jennie's family decided the location and Youngjae went along with it. Their clothes were ofcourse designed by Bambam and the entire wedding was organized courtesy of him and Jackson. The rest of them just followed instructions. Jackson was to be best man ofcourse while Jennie's father led her down the aisle. Suzy was the designated matron of honor while Mark and Yugyeom took care of Yeji, Hyunjin and Somi. 

"How are you feeling?" Jaebeom asked as he sidled upto Jackson while Youngjae narrated his vows with the biggest smile on his face. 

"Like I can't wait to get him out of here and throw him on a bed. Just look at him."

"Yeah. He looks happy and so does Jennie."

"Ofcourse she's happy, she's marrying my boyfriend, there could be no bigger revenge."

"You and Jennie fighting again today?" 

"We're always fighting."

"How does Youngjae even handle you both..." Jaebeom wondered, shaking his head. 

"He's got two hands, a mouth, a butthole and a dick, what do you think?"

"Fuck you. I did not need that visual."

"Come on, you've seen it all..."

"Shut up." Jaebeom hissed looking around to check if Jinyoung was within hearing distance. 

"Jinyoung was the one who said it. I'm just quoting him."

"In what context would Jinyoung say that to you?"

"It came up during our weekly lunch dates."

"What the hell do you two even do on those dates?"

"Gossip about our friends and boyfriends, and in my case my boyfriend's evil girlfriend turned wife. And other things I can't tell you because of the bro code."

"Jennie's _your_ girlfriend too."

"Shh. Not so loud. Don't want her to know I call her that." 

"Why the hell do you do this to each other?"

"Because Cruella de vil here likes it that way!" said Jackson exasperatedly, as they watched people clap and wipe tears. "She loves it, the chase. _Her_ words not mine. Like I really did use to run everytime I saw her before we started dating, but now it's just an act to keep her happy. The things I do for love..."

"Oh so you love her but she's not your girlfriend?"

"Yep."

"Another thing I can't say infront of her?" 

"Nah she knows. I told her last night after the rehearsal dinner."

"No wonder you two disappeared for so long. And Youngjae looked a little too happy."

"He got what he wanted, so ofcourse he was happy! Wait till we get to the hotel tonight. He'll know what real happiness is."

"Again with the details Jackson."

"What? I'm in love with my boyfriend, you're my bestfriend. How the hell are you not used to it all by now?" 

"Used to what?" said Jinyoung, materializing behind them suddenly, champaign in hand, his eyes red. 

"Nothing babe. You alright?" 

"I was talking to Jackson." Jinyoung said shortly, turning away from him. "It was so beautiful Seunnah! Jae always knows exactly what to say." he sniffed, letting Jaebeom wipe a few stray drops from his cheeks but still ignoring him pointedly.

"Aw come on, you two are still fighting?" Jackson asked. 

"I'm not, Jinyoung is." said Jaebeom quickly. 

"You called me a stubborn brat!" Jinyoung snarled, trying to keep his voice low. 

"You called me a condescending asshole first! Again! All because I didn't agree with you on a business policy. We're supposed to work together!" 

"What were you saying Jackson, Jaebeom Hyung should be used to what?" Jinyoung said loudly, turning his back on Jaebeom. 

"Nothing-" Jaebeom said quickly. 

"Nothing you should be concerned about." Jackson drawled lazily. "We were just talking about Youngjae's dick, that's all."

"What the fuck Jackson? What happened to the bro code now?!" Jaebeom exclaimed incredulous. 

"So you two were talking about your ex's dick on his wedding day? 

" _I'm_ still his boyfriend. Ask your fiancé." Jackson replied, taking Jinyoung's champagne and sipping on it, unconcerned. 

Jinyoung turned to Jaebeom with his eyebrows raised. 

"Babe, it was all Jackson I swear to God I tried to stop him, I..." Jaebeom sputtered going red. 

But then Jackson was laughing next to him and to his extreme shock, so was Jinyoung. 

"Babe, you're so easy." said Jinyoung, bumping Jackson's fist, both of them still laughing hard at the look on Jaebeom's face. 

"You're gonna pay for it. Both of you." Jaebeom muttered, turning around to look for Mark. But before he could stomp away in consternation, Jinyoung had grabbed his waist and pulled him back flush against his chest. 

"What are you doing?" Jaebeom whispered turning his head back to check if Jinyoung was drunker than he'd thought. 

"What? This is Italy." Jinyoung whispered back in his ear, making him shiver. "We can do whatever we want here." 

Jaebeom only hesitated for a fraction of a second more before he turned around, grabbed Jinyoung's face and planted a long hard kiss on his lips. 

"Hyung!" 

"What?" Jaebeom asked innocently, smiling at Jinyoung looking around frantically while wiping his mouth, his face flushing redder than before. "I was only restraining myself because you told me we needed to behave infront of guests. You think you can tease me and get away with it now?" 

"Everyone's watching." 

"Oh please Nyoung, you know he never gave a shit back home and he doesn't give a shit in Italy. He was just waiting for his chance. Please continue." said Jooheon, joining them with a teasing smile, materializing out of thin air. "Go on Hyung, grab his ass. You know he wants it."

"Jooheon, I'll fucking kill you! And what are _you_ laughing at?!" Jinyoung whispered furiously, turning on Jackson who was holding his stomach, almost bent over with laughter and giving Jooheon a thumbs up. "Why don't _you_ go grab your boyfriend's ass too? Oh wait, didn't he just get married?" he added with an evil smile, trying to break Jaebeom's grip from around him while Jaebeom nuzzled his neck. 

"Yeah. And now I get to grab two beautiful butts. So who won?" Jackson shot back, turning around with a smug smile and sauntering off to the centre dias where Youngjae and Jennie were dancing, lost in their own bubble of happiness. They watched Jackson whisper something and squeeze both their hands meaningfully before he turned around to wink at Jinyoung and walked away, followed by Jennie and Youngjae looking happier than before, if it was even possible. 

"Bathroom." they watched Youngjae mouth to his concerned family. 

"I'm gonna go find Bambam." Jooheon said, giving Jinyoung a wink and walking away. 

"Hyung. Are you gonna let me go now, please?" Jinyoung mumbled tiredly. 

"Not if you ask so nicely." 

"Let me go Lim Jaebeom or I swear to God you'll be marrying your hand next week." 

Jaebeom pulled back immediately but didn't let go of Jinyoung's waist. 

"God, Jinyoungie! We're getting married next week!" he said in wonder, as if realizing it just now. 

"Don't tell me you forgot." 

"Ofcourse I didn't. It just hasn't sunk in yet." 

"Has it sunk in that I love you?" Jinyoung asked, smiling fondly at the innocent happiness in Jaebeom's eyes, anger easily forgotten again. 

"No. Remind me again please." 

"I love you, you condescending asshole." said Jinyoung looking around him quickly and surprising Jaebeom with a peck on the lips. 

"I love you too, you stubborn brat. 

"I'm sorry for calling you a condescending asshole by the way..."

"I'm sorry for calling you a stubborn bitch too."

"It's-wait, you didn't call me a stubborn bitch!" 

"I was thinking it." Jaebeom grinned. "But I'm sorry!" he added quickly before Jinyoung could retaliate. 

"Since you apologized... _n_ _ow_ will you remember that I love you?" 

"Remind me again tonight and then tomorrow and the next day and everyday after that. And I promise I'll remember." 

**One week later:**

Jaebeom and Jinyoung finally exchanged their rings and vows on a bright spring morning with the cabin and the mountains acting as backdrop and all their close friends and families present. They had both decided that nothing would be more perfect than the place where it had all started for them. Replacing the bad memories with the good. 

Mark and Jackson acted as best men for Jinyoung and Jaebeom respectively and the rest of the evening was spent in their pyjamas wrapped in blankets, sitting on recliners around the firepit, trading wild stories and reminiscing about the past, all of them speaking over each other to try and be the ones to tell Youngjae and Jaebeom's father memories from their childhood. 

Jaebeom's father had even cried during the ceremony, telling them how proud his mother would have been. His tough exterior had undergone a drastic change since her passing. He'd even apologized to Youngjae. Jinyoung's parents had been the ones to comfort him during the ceremony, while Kang Hyung and Mrs. Kim had shed their own share of tears. 

It was the most beautiful wedding Jinyoung could have ever imagined, as he held a sleeping Hyunjin gently in his arms and lay down against Jaebeom's chest with his eyes closed, his heart filling up with warmth at Nora's low mewls from somewhere around his feet, the shouts of delight from his friends punctuated by Coco's barks and the low rumble of laughter that resonated through Jaebeom's chest every now and then, drowning him in peace. 

This was his world now, everything he needed was right there in his arms. 

*

**10 years later:**

"Beommah, get out of there. We have to go make sure Hyunjini's in bed." Jinyoung groaned, as he tried to push Jaebeom's head out of his oversized shirt where it was pressed against his skin. 

They were in their room, where Jaebeom had been sulking for the past half an hour while Hyunjin got ready for bed next door after an exciting day of games and junk food with his friends. 

"No, I like it in here." came Jaebeom's muffled voice as he buried his head in deeper, tickling Jinyoung's stomach with his hair. 

"How long are you gonna hide in my shirt?" 

"Forever." 

"Babe, it's just a video game. It's okay to lose sometimes." 

"I was humiliated infront of my kid and his friends. ' _I love you Hyung, but you suck at video games_ ', those were his exact words." 

"Come on! Your teenage kid was actually happy he beat you infront of his friends. You always let him win anyway, even when I tell you not to go easy on him. Serves you right." Jinyoung said exasperatedly, caressing Jaebeom' s head through the shirt. 

There was a sudden knock at their door. 

"Hyung, are you up?" came Hyunjin's quiet voice, muffled by the door. 

"Yeah we're up!" Jinyoung called, still struggling with Jaebeom who clutched his shirt over his head stubbornly. 

"I just wanted to say goodnight and...thanks Jaebeom Hyung. My friends, they really loved you." 

Jaebeom lifted the shirt a little, an excited smile spreading on his face. 

"Really?" he called. 

"Really!" 

"I liked them too."

"Yeah well, we should do it again sometime."

"I'll look forward to it!" 

"Okay, love you Ahjussi! Good night Jinyoungie hyung! I love you!" 

They heard Hyunjin's feet patter away and his bedroom door slam shut before either of them could respond. 

"See? I'm his legal guardian _and_ his first cousin, yet he's closer to you. People even say he looks like you, have you ever heard me complain?" Jinyoung asked testily. 

"This is the second time he called me Ahjussi, that little brat...but you have a point I guess." Jaebeom conceded, burying his face back into Jinyoung's shirt before Jinyoung could stop him. 

"Good boy. Now come out of there, It's Sunday tomorrow, my turn for breakfast."

But instead of moving out, Jaebeom shuffled around some more and Jinyoung suddenly felt a warm, wet tongue slide against his right nipple, making him jump. 

"What the hell are you doing in there!" He gasped, grabbing the hem and trying to pull it back over Jaebeom's head again, but Jaebeom wouldn't let go. 

"You called me good boy." 

"So?" 

"So, it's on." 

"Hyunjin is sleeping right next door!" 

"Exactly. He's sleeping, with his earphones in, blasting music on max. I know my kid." 

"Babe don't! It tickles!" Jinyoung groaned, still trying to push him out of his shirt that was getting stretched more dangerously by the minute. 

"And?" came Jaebeom's insolent whisper, pinning Jinyoung's struggling hands to his sides and taking the nipple into his mouth. 

"Fu-" 

"Don't swear. Hyunjin is right next door." 

"I hate you so much Ahjussi..." Jinyoung whispered furiously, panting as he let his hands go slack in defeat. 

A triumphant chuckle was his only answer. 

*

**50 years later:**

Jaebeom loomed over Jinyoung blocking the sun and the waterfall, tall and half naked, dressed only in hastily pulled on jeans settled low on his hipbones. Jinyoung couldn't remember either of them wearing it. Not that he was complaining. 

He really couldn't care less. He was too far gone, looking up at the sky in wonder like a drugged man. Jaebeom had done things to his body that he had never done before. And all Jinyoung could do was marvel at the things Jaebeom's mouth and fingers were capable of. His entire body felt loose and heavy but in his mind, he was beyond bliss. 

"God you look even more beautiful, I should wreck you like this everyday." Jaebeom grinned. 

Jinyoung just nodded without listening as he lay there helplessly with his hands still beside his head, his naked legs still spread and covered with the evidence of their lovemaking. It was strange how he felt that he had never really scratched the surface of the intensity of Jaebeom's love for him. Another round and he would surely lose his mind. 

"I missed you." said Jaebeom. 

"I missed you too." Jinyoung mumbled. "Fifteen years. You left me alone for fifteen years..."

"You had Hyunjin to look after you. And our grandchildren who adore you. I left you in good hands. Your face though, in my last moments, hahaha..."

"Shut up. You have no idea what it's like to lose a husband alright! And with the tabloids splashing your face around every now and then without warning, you have no idea how hard it was to move on from it okay." 

"Oh I do."

"Oh yeah?" 

"Look around you. Do you know where we are?"

"At the waterfall near the cabin?" 

"Yes. And how old are we supposed to be now?" 

"87-88? I don't know, didn't you die before me?"

"But what age do I look like now?" 

"22?"

"Will you believe me if I tell you none of this existed until you got here?" 

"Really? What was it like then?" 

"Nothing. Just a lot of nothing. For fifteen years. So I know exactly what it's like to lose a husband, okay?"

"Okay, I'm sorry...then how come we are 22 and back at the waterfall?" 

"I'm not sure but I've had time to think and I have a theory."

"Shoot." said Jinyoung lazily. 

He really wasn't interested in the mystery of their circumstances. He was here, talking to Jaebeom, back in his arms again. That was enough after fifteen years of living with only his memories. 

"I think this is heaven. Our heaven. Yours and mine." 

"How do you figure?" 

"Remember what day it is today, the day you died?" 

"It's the day you asked me to marry you...and the day I first told you I loved you." Jinyoung said slowly, frowning as he tried to recollect his last moments. "Hyunjin and his wife were bringing the kids to visit me because I was missing you too much...but I-I passed on before they got there. I tried to hold on, to see them one last time, but I could see you reaching out to me and I just missed you so much..."

"The happiest day of our lives. Yours and mine." Jaebeom smiled, his eyes glistening.

"That makes sense." said Jinyoung, smiling in wonder and looking up at the clear blue sky again, lost in his happiness at the realization. "And we get to be together, forever in this moment." He whispered to himself. 

The snap of a camera's shutter brought him back. Jaebeom was standing over him, a film camera in hand. 

"I appreciate you're an artist Hyung, but there's no way there's art in all this." he said, rolling his eyes and sweeping an arm across his naked body sprawled out on the grass. 

"Who said it's for art?" Jaebeom asked with a smirk, putting the camera back into his pocket. 

"Perv." Jinyoung groaned in disbelief as Jaebeom lay down next to him again. 

"Jinyoungie, let's make a baby." 

"I think it's a bit late for that. 

"Can you humor me for once? I was just trying to be romantic. Where's your imagination?" Jaebeom sulked. 

"Okay fine! Hyung, let's make a baby." said Jinyoung tonelessly. 

"That's more like it." Jaebeom smirked. 

"We've been going at it for hours. You're still panting like a dog and I'm exhausted. I thought we were both dead, why is my body aching?" Jinyoung groaned, trying to shift into a more comfortable position. 

"I guess they want us to _feel_ every moment the way we used to, makes sense, don't you think? And I finally have you with me again, at the place you first told me you loved me. I'm just really happy right now okay, that makes me want you even more, makes me want to hear you call my name again and again, say that you love me again and again." 

"Don't make it such a big deal. We've been married for decades." said Jinyoung, smiling as he placed an arm across his eyes shyly. 

"It is a big deal. For me. Love, friendship, family, pain, life, death - we've been through it all, together." said Jaebeom earnestly, placing a gentle kiss on his shoulder. "And how many times do I have to tell you-"

"Never to hide myself from you. Happy?" Jinyoung finished, removing his arm with a flourish, his eyes shut nevertheless. "And it's just words babe. You already know you're mine, always have been." 

"Yeah but hearing you say it...it's always been, 'I hate you Hyung', 'don't be annoying Hyung', 'stop it Hyung'..."

"I don't really mean it though! I've told you a million times that I love you! And I wasn't the one who proposed with a freaking hair tie."

"Oh I know you mean it when you say you love me." said Jaebeom, disregarding the rest of his sentence with a smirk. "Say it again please, you're so whipped, I can't get enough..." 

"I'm taking it back." Jinyoung pouted. 

Jaebeom didn't even bat an eye. 

"Say it again Jinyoung. Don't deflect." 

"Not in the mood." 

Jaebeom pulled himself up suddenly, looking down at Jinyoung with his eyes narrowed and his arms caging his head in.

"Say it again." he almost growled in a dangerously low voice, as he towered over Jinyoung, blocking the sky. 

"Are you really trying to dominate me like some wild animal? You don't scare me." said Jinyoung, raising his eyebrows, even as his heart thumped faster instinctively.

There was a moment of pause as they found themselves locked in a staring contest, neither of them willing to back down. It made Jinyoung's hair stand up on end. The ghost of his body still simulating its normal reactions the way it did when they were alive, by whatever magic that ran through this place. 

Suddenly, Jaebeom dropped down again, clearly defeated, looking up at him with wide, imploring eyes instead, as he changed tactics. He knew Jinyoung's weakness very well. 

"Jinyoungah pleaaaase, just once more. I won't ask again, promise!" He whined

"Nope. I've said it enough times already." 

"You really hate me, don't you?" 

"Yep." 

"Fine." said Jaebeom with a pout, dropping his head sideways on Jinyoung's chest, sulking like a petulant child as he watched his finger run circles on it. 

Jinyoung couldn't hold back anymore. He was too weak when Jaebeom got like this. 

"I love you." 

The sun could never match the light that shone through Jaebeom's face as he perked up the moment he heard those words again. 

"You're so easy babe!" Jinyoung quoted with a smirk, poking his cheek mockingly. 

"That's it, we're going again!" said Jaebeom, turning Jinyoung swiftly onto his stomach and grabbing his hips as Jinyoung squealed with laughter and scrambled at the grass on his hands and knees, trying to escape.

"Get back here Park Jinyoung! Yah! Jinyoungah!" 

The sun shone down brightly as a cool breeze blew through the rustling trees, the birds chirped and sang, the waterfall made a rushing sound as it dashed down on the rocks below, and the bees were loud in their buzzing...but nothing was as beautiful as the melody created by Jinyoung's laughter, 

and the sound of Jaebeom calling his name. 

**~THE END~**


End file.
